Newbie

[Brokenman]

Hi Guy's. Im new around here. But in short just thught clearing my head writing about this **** might help. So here goes. Perhaps someone has advice etc as I am all out of ideas.

Long story short. I am now married for close on 7 years. We lived together for 2 before that. But I have always been deeply in love with my wife. Problem is that during our first year married she started a new job wich involved a lot of traveling. She introduced me to a work friend nd the families got quite close. I was suspicious of him from the word go and we had massive fights about this guy. Problem is I drank too much as i didnt get any at home and thought that escaping the unloving home Id just keep on drinking. Which resuted in fights about drinking and then not getting sex. This kept going for a very long time until she fell pregnant in dec 2005. I finally got explicit proof through cracking private mail addresses and pass protected love letters and erotica as well as e mails of what they did and how they enjoyedwhat they did together(2008). I confronted her many a time and has been sober for 6 months now. She claims that she ended it when she fell pregnantand I hd a peternity test done and I am the father. However although she ended it in 2005 according to her the pain and humiliation is veryfresh and bad for me. hell this bloke was my friend and his family was welcomed into my house. I cannot stop seeing these images in my head of the things she did with hi and have and still am seriously considerig suicide as I love her and my son too much too leave but at the same time cannot come to grips with the betrayal and utter disregard she had for me as a human being. I have searched the web and looked around but this thing is eating at me like a cancer that cant be stopped. I will try and show some of my feelings through these smilies on the right but dont think they all cover it.

[Skirtchaser]

Stop now.
You need to seek out professional help immediately. Suicide solves nothing for your son. You will leave him a legacy of cowardice. That's no answer. Take care of these kinds of thoughts.

As for your cheating wife. Yea he screwed him, but he couldn't have done anything without the bi.tch spreading her legs. Your anger should be just as great and greater toward her. She's the one who swore vows to you.

Your not the first man who has been cheated on, nor will you be the last. But you need to man up and realize you are a father. Your not thinking rationally. She did cheat, she will again if she ever stopped at all. Your son deserves better than this. You get your head straight with a counselor. Life goes on and he will need you in the future, unless you cower out and take what you think is the easy way out there.

Keep posting here, but get to a counselor for yourself right away. There's life out there after being cheated on. Many of us have lived through it more than once and with more than one cheater. Get Help now.

[bchgrl2008]

Chaser's right. Counseling is key here. I know it is hard right now, but the sting will wear off and you will realize that no woman is worth this kind of self-destruction. You are NOT at fault, drinking or not. She had a choice and she could have demanded you go to rehab. This is the thing about cheaters, I really think they are always cheaters at heart and look for reasons to act upon their fantasies. I didn't exactly like my H when we were first married, but you didn't see me sleeping with other men. Don't blame yourself.

[doesmybuttlookfatinthis]

I drank for the first fifteen years of my marriage. My wife didn't ride any family friends. I may not have gotten all the sex I wanted. But I got all the sex I deserved. Your wife had a long term affair and may still be having it. Did you tell the OMs wife?

[StillinShock]

I am so glad that you posted here. This is a great group and you will get the help you need to see yourself through this...we all know what it feels like. You are feeling hopeless right now but it is not hopeless.

Do you have family or friends that you have talked to? Have you told anyone that you can confide in? It is very important that you do this right away...

The other thing that I would suggest is that you call your family doctor tomorrow and ask if you can see him. Let him know what has happened and he can help a lot. You probably are not sleeping well (too little or too much) and you may have let yourself get physically run down. He can give you something for this and it will help.

Will you promise to do this tomorrow? And then write back?
We will be waiting to hear from you.
SIS

[demoralized]

Please, please, please Brokenman, don't do anything right now, except get help right away. There's no shame in it at all. Your emotions are beyond your control right now, and you really need to have someone help you get a handle on them before you make any decisions about what the next step is for you and your son.

PLEASE, think of him, he loves you, he needs you in his life. You WILL find a better place in time, and understand you did NOTHING to deserve this.

I am here often, PM me anytime.

Please put these self destructive thoughts out of your mind and go see a councilor right away, and make sure to tell them about how your feeling.

You will be OK, you will get through this. It is hard, but you can do it.

Take care of yourself.
Demo

[SocalSadness]

Welcome friend, you are not alone.

Suicidal ideations occur to everyone at some time or another, (me too) it does not mean you actually want to die. Please try to think of these as transitory symptoms of grief and nothing more. Thoughts cannot hurt you.

Suicidal ideation happens when emotions of powerlessness and dispair overcome our confidence in our own ability to overcome them.

Counselling will help you process the feelings you are having right now, help you put them into perspective and how to move forward with your life after betrayal. With proffessional help, it is possible to have an even better relationship with your spouse post-affair or you will live a stronger life on a path to a new woman who will love, respect and nurture you, but you need experienced guidance through your current depression and ruminations of heartbreaking images...

I would also recommend Dr. Gloria Harris' book Surviving Infidelity. It has brought me comfort when I am in my deepest dispair. That feelings are temporary

This forum has been such a remarkable olace of refuge, advice and support. Don't hesitate to share your thoughts with your brothers and sisters here and we will ride this rollercoaster through to brighter days.

However, the next time you feel overwhelmed call one of the numbers from the link below. Do not be ashamed.

http://suicidehotlines.com/

My very best alohas. - SoCal

[MuffinMan]

First thing you need to do is realize....you are not a broken man....your wife is broken. Looks like your drinking was due to problems at home because you knew deep down she had been with this man. The the lack of sex wasn't from the drinking. It was because she was getting it from him.

So trust me, we have been there. There is no reason for you to feel broken. She is the one with lousy character....not you. You escaped what you knew to be a horrible marriage because she was cheating.

And do not think that suicide is the answer. Your wife is not worth it. You say you love her...but maybe you should start getting angry. You are in a desperation phase right now. You feel helpless...you probably feel like divorce would be to hard for you to handle, but staying with her is painful too.

Why do you love her? She spread her legs for another man. Thats not love. I loved my wife, but it stopped the day I found out she cheated. No way I could stay married to her every day and not see "CHEATER" written across her forehead.

Secondly, if this guy is married, and his wife doesn't know about her H and your wife.....inform her immediately. She deserves to know what a c0cksucker she is married to.

You are in a tough spot. You stay, you have to look at her f#ckin' face every day, whether you think you love her or not, that is too damn hard and humiliating. Or you could divorce....but if she wants custody, she will get it. The mother always will unless you can prove her unfit, and sorry to say, being a cheating wh0re isn't reason to declare a mother unfit. You'll lose half of what you worked for, lose the enjoyment of being with your son on a daily basis, pay for that loss through child support...etc. Cheating wives don't really have any consequences with the exception of a little humility of being outed as a cheater, and I don't think in the end they really give a sh#t.

So what are you going to do? I know what you shouldn't do...do NOT consider suicide. Your skank wife isn't worth it. Us men in here have been where you are. We know ALL the emotions you are going through. But we got through it. Most of us realized in the end, life with a cheating wife is no life at all, and they are certainly not deserving of our love and devotion.

I always advice divorce in the midst of a cheating spouse.....I can say that with all confidence. My life is so much better as a result with the exception of not being with my kids on a daily basis. So what is it that you want.

and again, why do you really love a woman that let another man enter her?

[sadpatricia]

Broken:
I can't imagine what you have been through...having to get a paternity test to verify the identity of your child...you are obviously in a trust-less relationship.

Please listen to the advice of the posters. You are certainly not worthless. not if there is a child of yours out there who calls you dad. Your wife...well, she's probably worthless, but your kid wakes up every day knowing he has a dad and a mom who loves him. That's his reality and this would be shaken to the core without each of them alive and there to satisfy his many needs.

Please know that we have been through the same kind of betrayal. It hurts. Even though I didn't believe it when it was told to me, time heals. I am better today than I was a year and a half ago.

Thinking of you and wishing you the best,
Sadpatricia

[Flynn]

The fact that she allowed the OM to be around as a "Friend" of the family and yours during and after up to when she got caught 3 years laters is almost as bad as the cheating. What was her excuse of allowing this guy around? Did she get a kick out of humilating her husband buy this guy shaking your hand when he fondled her with it at sometime??? Also she states that she ended the affair in 2005, well then why have this guy around??? It stays a emotional affair between them until you found out. Talking etc!!!