Hurting/Confused/Devestated

[somethingsuss]

Hello all

Im here on this forum because i really cant discuss this topic with anyone around me. Im also here because im scared and worried. Ive noticed for some time now that my wife is very private when she goes into our bedroom where her laptop is. There has been a couple of times where i have caught her using applications on Facebook that are pretty much dating sites. Confronted her about it and got told she was just looking and nothing more. While this bothered me i kept a lid on my anger/hurt and let it slide without much more said because she kept telling me that there was nothing to worry about, and i believed her.
Anyway this has been playing on my mind so i created a false identity on facebook and made contact with my wife in a way of testing her. Why do i feel bad in doing this ? Im scared as to what might happen. I asked her with this false identity to meet up, if she says she wants to meet up for a coffee does that mean i should leave her ? Even if she does nothing physical ? Im a little lost in my thoughts and am hurt and really confused.

i feel a mess and i keep making excuses to myself like "oh she is just flirting to feel good" or "she isnt thinking straight, she thinks its innocent"

Anyways what if i find out she has met others? Im scared to even ask. I was also thinking to confront her about this contact that she is having with this false identity i created or expressing the infomation i gather with this identity and im sure the answer will be "i was just chatting" or she could easily say she was lying (to the identity)

I never expected this from my wife i thought we were better than this, i feel like crap. It makes me wonder if my wife is the person i really thought she was..... and that makes me sick in the guts.

I would have gone to the end of the earth for this woman that i have been married to for 8 years, and now this ?!

[doesmybuttlookfatinthis]

First, you must put away all fear. Your wife is the one that should be afraid. Definitely meet her. Make sure you suggest the possibility of sex. When the time and place are arranged, Let her get there first. Why? You want to rule out, her having second thoughts. When you catch her, you have to man up and show outrage but not anger. You will need to tell her that at this meeting, two things will happen. One is that you will decide whether to go home and throw all her **** out the door and file for divorce. Or to try and reconcile. If you get excuses or an arrogant attitude, you will see her in court. If there is tears and contrition, you will move to the next step. Complete transparency. Key logger on her computer (don't tell her, just ask for access and all passwords. You can put it on later when she is away from her computer) and absolute truth in all matters. You need to ask her how many men she has been with since she started this (if you find out its even one, move to divorce, if you have no kids). If she has parents or family around there, make her move out and work to win you back. Since these are meetings with other men for sex and not an affair, if she has done some guy, it was for sex and sex only. Dump her, she has turned into a ****. She likes the sex and she won't give it up easily. YOU MUST BE STRONG, CONFIDENT AND NOT ANGRY OR NEEDY. YOU HAVE TO GET THE TRUTH.

[StillinShock]

doesmy has good advice.....I'm sorry this is happening to you and it is very sickening.

You should find one person that you can confide in though--these things make us sick if we try to keep it just to ourself.

She has no business on these sites--and then they typically lie about so be prepared that whatever she tells you about other men may, or may not be the truth.

It's the doubts and lack of trust that the cheater instills that starts to destroy everything.

SIS

[bchgrl2008]

I agree with the others. Whether she has cheated or not, she shouldn't be online "looking" at dating sites. There is no privacy in a marriage. Unfortunately, you are scared to see what is already in your gut. God....I remember being out of town one week to see my best friend. I knew that my marriage was struggling, but I woke up one night and thought, "He's screwing around on me". I flew home a week later, and began searching the house looking for condoms. For some reason, I just knew it!! I didn't know with who yet, but I suspected that it was my neighbor. About a week later, I saw her and had this urge to hit her. I knew it, but denied it to myself. I checked phone records, but didn't look at the texting part of my bill. I didn't want to see it. Come to find out later, 2 days before I left for that trip was when they slept together in my home for the first time. I knew it. I had known it in my gut, but I tried to ignore it. I should have confronted the both of them, but like you I was so scared. Because of that, this affair dragged on for 8 months. It was horrible. You need to face this and get it all out in the open before things get to a point where you are hurt more than you need to be.

[somethingsuss]

ok so with the facebook identity i asked her if she had met other people from facebook and what her experiences had been, she said she had met two others!!!!
she went on to say that the meetings had been.... well heres what she said....

"they hit onto me in a real sleazy way............
the first one asked within the first 5 minutes ........."so.......when do i get the chance to see the dirty side of you" ????? WTF....he was lucky i gave him the extra 5 minutes!!!!"

Then she asked if i had msn.

i replied with why chat on msn when we can chat here ?

Anyways she left for a christening interstate yesterday and to go an visit family, and ive never really given it a second thought or really had any doubts but now? well this time after this if feels very different.

I dont know if she has cheated physically but i tell you what im hurting to find this out. Could she be lying to this identity ? Or maybe thats just me holding onto hope?

I feel i need some concrete evidence of some sort so i have no doubt.

[StillinShock]

sigh....get a keylogger....it sounds like the only way to ease your mind.
Sorry you're going through this...
SIS

[Doofus McDoofus]

Originally Posted by somethingsuss

ok so with the facebook identity i asked her if she had met other people from facebook and what her experiences had been, she said she had met two others!!!!
she went on to say that the meetings had been.... well heres what she said....

"they hit onto me in a real sleazy way............
the first one asked within the first 5 minutes ........."so.......when do i get the chance to see the dirty side of you" ????? WTF....he was lucky i gave him the extra 5 minutes!!!!"

Then she asked if i had msn.

i replied with why chat on msn when we can chat here ?

Anyways she left for a christening interstate yesterday and to go an visit family, and ive never really given it a second thought or really had any doubts but now? well this time after this if feels very different.

I dont know if she has cheated physically but i tell you what im hurting to find this out. Could she be lying to this identity ? Or maybe thats just me holding onto hope?

I feel i need some concrete evidence of some sort so i have no doubt.

First off, I am sorry this happened to you, but you have definitely arrived at the right place by being here.

I know that the freshness of these events are painful, but please listen and take heed by what is said on this forum. This place, and its members helped me through a very difficult time myself. Fortunately in my case I took their advice and I couldn't be happier that I did.

So its obvious that she is emotionally if not physically cheating. so yes you are going to have to get proof and if that means pouring through phone records or using a keylogger, so be it. No one deserves to be cheated on in any circumstance.
I would also consider getting yourself tested for STD's. It may be frightful,. but if your wife did in fact sleep with guys she met online, then god only knows what she could be carrying.
Love may not last forever, but an herpes does.

Also take the initiative and consult an attorney to see exactly what you need to do.

Once again I am very sorry for your pain. It is sad but true that social sites can be harbingers of doom for relationships. If your wife is acting on her impulses rather than working to try to strengthen her marriage, then It may be time to find the nearest curb and drop her off at it.

[holikdad]

Nine times out of ten when you feel there is something wrong it's because there is. All of your assumptions are probably correct she's cheating. Moving forward you can't trust anything that she say's, cheaters will LIE, this is an absolute fact. If she said she met two guys that she found online she probably met ten, if she said one guy was sleezy and she wouldn't give him the time of day, she probably slept with him.

The hardest part of this process is your acceptance of what is happening in your marriage. You need to be strong, you need to be firm, and you need to decide what you want to happen next, don't dance around her because you don't want her to leave. YOUR HAPPINESS IS FIRST PRIORITY!!.

If you don't have kids that's a good thing, having kids ALWAYS makes this a harder process. If you do have the then they need to be at the very top of your priorities as well. Be smart, be sane, and at the very least be rational. If you feel that you want your marriage to work, try to decide(which is difficult) if you would still want to be with this person month's down the road.

And remember, this isn't just crap advice from anonymous people on this site, we've all been there, and we've all had to deal with this type of situation so we know exactly where you are coming from, and exactly what you are feeling right this second. GOOD LUCK!!

[somethingsuss]

Originally Posted by holikdad

Nine times out of ten when you feel there is something wrong it's because there is. All of your assumptions are probably correct she's cheating. Moving forward you can't trust anything that she say's, cheaters will LIE, this is an absolute fact. If she said she met two guys that she found online she probably met ten, if she said one guy was sleezy and she wouldn't give him the time of day, she probably slept with him.

I REALLY hope you're wrong about this! There is one thing i do know and thats the truth.
i just hope its what i want to hear/find

[StillinShock]

The problem, unfortunately, is that the cheater lies. They lie to sneak around, then lie when they are caught and then pretend to tell the truth so that we think they are no longer lying, and then lie that they ever lied.
around and around and around

And the other problem, unfortunately, is that the victim/spouse really really wants to believe their loved one. So, at the FIRST sign of even the smallest thing that we would want to believe, well, WE BELIEVE THEM!!

And then we are devastated to find out that they were lying! and even more devastated to find out that they are STILL lying.

I have been amazed on this site by how many of us believe almost anything. Notice is said "us" because as I look back I cannot believe how much I believed at first.

But some of the stories are as obvious as: "I caught my wife sitting in her pajamas looking at **** while my neighbor was rubbing her shoulders when I was supposed to be at work but she said nothing happened. What do you all think?" And several will post "she's cheating" "of course they are having an affair". And the victim will write back "do you think? I will try to get proof". And those who have been down the road wish that we could help but the spouse/victim has to find out for himself/herself.

But, alas, we all need our proof. And some of us, myself included, had to have this proof over and over before it starts to sink in.

Good luck to you--but remember, you won't hear the truth from your spouse. How do you know when the cheater is lying? The lips are moving.