She stopped lying this morning

[SocalSadness]

My fifteen year relationship took a devistating turn for the worse when I began a cognative outpatient program to deal with the grief and loss of my stepson murdered at age six. I had stuffed emotions from PTSD which turned depression, anxiety and misplaced anger resulting in estrangement. Seeking medical help I was put on two drugs which both have sexual side effects of decreasing libidoand fatigue. During my first week in program my wife "hooked up" with a stranger she met on-line and says she will continue to do so every Thursday and Saturday when I am at work! She admitted cheating only THIS MORNING though refused to answer any specific questions I had about the affair or the man she calls her "F-buddy". She tells me she loves me though one side of her mouth but refuses to give up her promiscuity though the other. I believe she waited till I was at my most vulnerable to begin her affair. What kind of a person has sex with a stranger, admits it and expects to share my bed and life? I was cheated on when younger and told her the only unforgivable thing she could possibly do would be to cheat. It seems so unreal. I would never cheat and consider men who do to be less than men. I was only twenty eight when we met and now am beyond middle age. I do not relish the thought of beginning my life over again with grey hair and a bald spot. I am so broken hearted and confused I could not sleep and found this blog. I can't imagine my life without her but can hardly imagine forgiving her or even ever trusting her again. I've considered hiring a private detective to locate this other man but have no idea what I would do with the information other than end up arrested for assault. I've worked so hard to better myself for US and this is apparently the payoff. Hardly worth all the work. Any advise would be helpful.

Prevailing emotion of the day: Confusion
Prevailing thought distortion of the day: I am worthless

[Flynn]

She obviously believes you are not strong enough to divorce her. She thinks you will ***** and moan about it but will not leave. See a doctor about your libido but she does not really love you if she does this in your face!!! She may need to be on the verge of divorce before she stops this. Don't show weakness anymore.

[MuffinMan]

Originally Posted by SocalSadness

My fifteen year relationship took a devistating turn for the worse when I began a cognative outpatient program to deal with the grief and loss of my stepson murdered at age six. I had stuffed emotions from PTSD which turned depression, anxiety and misplaced anger resulting in estrangement. Seeking medical help I was put on two drugs which both have sexual side effects of decreasing libidoand fatigue. During my first week in program my wife "hooked up" with a stranger she met on-line and says she will continue to do so every Thursday and Saturday when I am at work! She admitted cheating only THIS MORNING though refused to answer any specific questions I had about the affair or the man she calls her "F-buddy". She tells me she loves me though one side of her mouth but refuses to give up her promiscuity though the other.

Nuff said, divorce the wh0re.

What kind of a person has sex with a stranger, admits it and expects to share my bed and life?

A wh0re

I was cheated on when younger and told her the only unforgivable thing she could possibly do would be to cheat. It seems so unreal. I would never cheat and consider men who do to be less than men. I was only twenty eight when we met and now am beyond middle age. I do not relish the thought of beginning my life over again with grey hair and a bald spot.

I didn't relish the idea either. But starting over was more attractive than living the rest of my days with someone that cheated on me.

And in your case, she refuses to stop cheating. And the part about her loving you is bullsh#t. If she loved you, she wouldn't cheat.

I am so broken hearted and confused I could not sleep and found this blog. I can't imagine my life without her but can hardly imagine forgiving her or even ever trusting her again. I've considered hiring a private detective to locate this other man but have no idea what I would do with the information other than end up arrested for assault. I've worked so hard to better myself for US and this is apparently the payoff. Hardly worth all the work. Any advise would be helpful.

Its easy. You divorce her. don't let her know you are doing it, the day she gets served with papers is the day she finds out. Get all your ducks in a row and take the steps to cancel this skank out of your life.

If not, you will regret it. That I can promise you. Otherwise you would just have to settle for being a cuckold....the husband of a cheating wife.

Good luck my man.

[fitzge]

Sorry she is pulling this crap on you. She has been up front that she is going to do whatever she wants to do. She has some balls telling the days she plans on being with F-buddy.

She is in fact a wh0re, sl*t, whatever. This is a very low woman -- ditch witch.

Protect yourself financial, she may be burning through a lot of $$ as we speak.

Get tested for STDs right now. Buddy, this has been going on for awhile, and I guarantee you it ain't the first time.

Get your sh*t together and stop worrying about the bald spot. She has programmed you to believe no one else will ever love. Once you figure out what a POS she is, you will realize SHE is the problem, not you. It is called an ephipany, and the feeling is wonderful.
Hang in there pal -- dump

[SocalSadness]

Thank you for your support. Another sleepless night...

I have to empathise with her having lost her son as well as suffering other life tragedies, although I'm not sure acting out by betraying your comitted partner who stood with you through it all is just reward. I do believe her to be bi-polar and has craftilly avoided treatment of same for many years, manipulating a string of therapists with her sweet artificial facade.

This does not excuse her behavior nor does it lessen the almost unbearable pain, confusion and rage I am feeling.

Does this make me weak? Would you consider a man just worked over with a lead pipe weak also because thats how i feel. That kind of weak. Not weakness of WILL. While my ex may be able to divorce herself from emotions and the consequenses of her actions for what she has actually called the "momentary" tranquility of increadable expert ****ing, I simply can't turn my love off like a faucet. Believe that I wish that I could. HATE is such an easy emotion compared to LOVE and one which I am most intimately acquainted. I Hate the man who killed my boy and stole my chance at fatherhood. I HATE the man who lured my ex astray at least fourteen times in the past few months but I can't bring myself to HATE her even though I don't believe a single word she says. Perculiar eh?

This morning she was angry at me for begging her give up her boyfriend but by noon she was sobbing and swearing never to contact him again, tearily professing her love for me and deep regret for her reckless hurtful and deceptive actions. I was totally numb by this time of course. I know she still has presents for him burned from MY cd collection wrapped in a green bow in her napsack, no doubt has mementos of the exciting affair hidden somewhere in my home and... actually tore his phone number off a love note and ATE IT to protect him.

Be this as it may, I have scheduled us to see a marriage family therapist on Wednesday and have resigned myself not to discuss the transgression until in the presence of a licensed professional. The therapist has her work cut out for her since I can't imagine how I willl ever truely trust my partner again. I have a hard time even looking at her at the moment. Each passing day my sadness, negative feelings and disgust grow, however she is definately not the only one to blame for the affair.

I must own my responsibility for enabling her to stray: A man wracked with untreated PTSD, major depression and anxiety which both according to my many new doctors can cause gluttony, sloth and illiminate libidinous energy (even without the pills and their similar sexual side effects) lead to a life devoid of physical gratification for both of us. Sure we'd laugh, watch movies, go out for dinner and snuggle in bed but whenever I was able to get it up I would rarely orgasm and its sensation was no more pleasurable than vomiting or taking a long overdue crap. Often after she had climaxed once or twice I would fake orgasm just to end the sorry excersise hoping I had at least provided her with some small pleasure. She is a tall slender G-cup brunette bombshell and deserved much better. Embarassing facts but I own every one.

Still, each relationship in my life eventually revealed the women I have chosen to be incredibly gullible, cruel or conscienceless. If I choose to be an optimist and think her merely as gullible then her boyfriend is the ultimate villain as well as the only clear winner in this situation. Revenge fantasies torture me moment to moment. Preying on a woman's sorrow and lonelyness knowing her mate is ill and in a treatment facility... Had he known my diagnosis and ongoing treatment for PTSD Anger perhaps he would have viewed his Thursday and Saturday **** doll as potentially very dangerous to his physical wellbeing. I feel the need to square things in some way to regain a sense of balance in my universe. I'm just too broken hearted at the moment to exact that righteous punishment. Men that do this to other men and women have no honor. I can imagine him doing it right now with someone elses wife or girlfriend.

Tomorrow i work and it would normally be "happy **** day" for my ex. Who knows what she will be doing or daydreaming about? Each day is a revelation as the bi polar rollercoaster speeds along unchecked. I will try to keep it together and not frighten my employees.

Prevailing emotion of the day: Anger
Prevailing thought distortion of the day: I will die alone

Your thoughts are very much appreciated.

[sleeplessnights]

wow!!!!, socalsadness, all these emotions and descriptions of emotions have hit home with me. you've said things that i have been feeling and dealing with everyday, you've described them perfectly. i am truly, truly sorry for your loss of your son. nothing can ever replace your son except memories. God bless you, brother.
my heart goes out to both you and your wife, or is it ex-wife. i'm a little confused on that. it seems clear to me that the loss of your son has the both of you in a wreckless frenzy one way or the other. each of you is dealing with this in your own way.
when my brothers' twins died at birth, he drank his self to oblivion. noone approved of the way he was handling it but he didn't care about those people because they wasn't the ones who "suffered the loss", or they didn't "feel what he felt". i'm not saying he was justified in drinking himself to oblivion, i'm saying he handled his pain the way HE handled it. its HIS pain!!!! to many of us are quick to judge out here in this world. but eveyone is different. we handle things differently. understand what i'm saying?
your purpose on here is to vent, take what you need from anyones advice, accept the fact that there are going to be things said on here that you won't like but there is an awful lot of good here. keep coming here to vent.
in my opinion of your situation, i think you 2 need some serious help and some serious time away from each other, she has exhausted all her options of therapeutic help, from what i've read in your posts. she can only deal with it in HER time, the way she handles HER pain.
you need to let her go at least for now. you need to let nature take its course and she'll eventually either self distruct or come to her senses and seek help with you, after she hits rock bottom. at this point, she just plain out doesn't give a fu*ck, dealing with her feelings is too hard so she'll put it on the backburner when shes feeling bad and do what makes her feel good. its not that she doesn't love you or isn't taking your feelings into consideration, she seems to be hurting too. a loss of a loved one, such as a son or daughter, is by no means easy for anyone. she is having a hard enough time as it is dealing with her own pain. if i lost one of my children, i don't think i would give a fu*ck about anything or anyone either. nothing personal, i'm just saying if the shoe was on the other foot, would you wear it.
get help for yourself, let her go, maybe, just maybe, she'll follow you.
let her go, my friend, get help for yourself, maybe she'll follow suit when she sees you getting better.....but here is the one i don't like to say because i should be practicing what i preach, you 2 need to go your seperate ways, even if for a while, until you can get yourself straight.

[sleeplessnights]

i'm sorry about saying your son in my above posts, i meant stepson. i'm sure he felt like your son. but remeber, he was HER son, and his death wasn't "natural". again, put yourself in her shoes....that is why i say let her go and seek help for yourself. did you ever see the movie "Reign Over Me" with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. excellent movie. Adam Sandler is a sept. 11th widower, he lost his whole family in the terrorists attacks, and he deals with it the way he deals with it.
it opened up my eyes alot when it comes to dealing with loss and kind of lets you know that you only have one life and it is very, very short. get some time, at least check out the movie, its worth watching....maybe you and your wife could watch it together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!be aware, its a tear jerker.

[bchgrl2008]

Wow. I am so sorry for the loss of your stepson. I really think that you both are handling his murder in different ways, and she obviously is dealing with this quite differently than you are. If I am understanding this correctly, this was her son. I am no doctor, but I think a very important point has been missed here, and you both need to see a psychologist IMMEDIATELY. Depression isn't far behind here, especially over this horrible tragedy. I realize that you have made an appointment with a marriage/family therapist, however, I really think you need someone who specializes in this kind of tragedy. Is there any idea of who did this to your stepson? I am so sorry. The loss of a child is something that I hope and pray that I don't ever have to face. Best of luck to you.

[sleeplessnights]

i agree with bchgrl2008, get help my friend, both of you. deal with it seperately or together but get help now. you may have to lead her way, you may have to be the 1st to take the step, you may need to do this by yourself and hopefully she'll eventually come with you. the other guy, shes blind to him, but she'll eventually see.

[SocalSadness]

Day Four

Thank you for your empathy but feel I need to clarify some misunderstandings.

This should cover just about everything.

Our relationship began fifteen years ago when I met my estranged HER son four and was stabbed through the heart by his biological father when he was six. My father had died less than a year before and having barely crawled out of that depression the compound loss and grief just shut me down emotionally. One of my last conversations with my father was about how to be a good parent. I 've never been the same since they lowered that tiny coffin into the earth. It didn't seem to matter to anyone that I was the man who tucked that little boy in at night, was responsible for getting him in a proper preschool where his mother could work as a bookkeeper and see him throughout the day or was there as a parent and read books on parenting like 'Living In Step', he was HER son... not mine.

The trial dragged on and was a media circus in our New Mexico city with the defense trying to character assasinate HER daily. Even though I was also traumatized I still had to deal with the district attourneys, be at the courthouse every day and orate in front of the judge at sentancing begging for a life sentance, I was always excluded by her bubble of condolences and support, religated to being THE LIVE-IN SUPPORTER who's job was soley to take care of HER since, after all he was "HER son not mine"... I vividly remember telling the judge how I had reasured "my boy" the only son I will ever know, that there were no such thing as real monsters and that he'd never need to fear because I loved him so much and would always be there to protect him. I was proved a liar by his own father and a screwdriver through the heart.

Her immediate family who habitually avoid conflict and drama was not physically present and supportive in the aftermath. They couldn't fly home from the funeral quick enough. I remember her brother saying to me "Hey, whatever your name is, thank God you're here for HER." My role was quite clear from that day forward. I had symptoms of a heart attack, (the beginning of an developing anxiety disorder) and was hospitalized only to check out ASAP to return to HER side. Duty called. And when the bubble of local freinds and consolation disipated, back to their normal lives, the grief and soul crushing horror were still there everyday and so was I.

We saw a PLCC from the police dept for grief counselling who continued to invalidate MY loss and focused entirely on HER, after all, I was merely a "periferral character" and the child "wasn't really MY son", so I stuffed my own natural emotions and helped her as best I could.

I had to train myself to be emotionally absent to survive. I held her as she cursed her ex husband, the universe and ME. She tried to stab me with a broom handle when she felt "cornered" in the powder room. Insanity and Endless dispair. I cannot adequately describe the cloud of darkness that engulfed us in the following years. Eventually at PLCC's advice, I packed up and relocated us to the beach for HER sake, of course, but the cloud inevitably followed.

We openned a small business and tried to be happy, but every laughing child was enough to trigger a lapse into depression for us BOTH but my sole purpose was to lessen her pain. Another Trial almost immediately as SHE winessed the police shooting of NFL player Adolphus Demetrius DuBose in front of our shop. No matter what they say he was racially profiled, provoked and murdered in the street. We were required to testify and were again character assassinated. We joined weight watchers, she gave up cigarettes and we looked great on the outside at least. While the real problems weren't cosmetic she now hated her new slender body. Her post childbirth breasts, once an E, would not fill bras or clothing properly as well as being a constant reminder of her loss so SHE wanted reconstruction. She was sure this would lead to better sex and happiness.

IE: SEX = HAPPINESS.

I accompanied her on a search for surgeons, held her hand in post-op where she awoke cursing me. She cursed me through the discomfort of recouperation. Eventually we could be intimate again and there was a brief glimpse of sunshine until she began self medicating with marijuana (a depressive though legal in California when perscribed by a doctor) and suffered a bi polar episode, punching herself in the head and screaming threats of suicide from the bedroom as I frantically called hospitals. Commited to a treatment center she dropped lots of weight resumed smoking cigarettes but looked amazing after dischage. Too psychologically damaged to entertain my sexual interest any time soon though. Brief sunshine followed as well as a new sexy wardrobe but peri-menopausal mood swings shut me down over and over again and shortly she began gaining weight and experiencing unatural fatigue but MY libido was already in decline, still untreated for PTSD and depression.

Unending menstruation, unpleasant odor and a mouthful of smelly discharge during rare cunnilingus indicated symptoms of an enlarged pre cancerous uterus and she required an imediate comlete historectomy. As always I remained in my role as wannabe savior and as usual I was the object of rage acompanying the discomfort of recouperation which was long and painful... and still no treatment for my festering feelings of loss grief and illigitimacy.

She promised better sex w/o birth control as the silver lining. She lost weight and looked fantastic but sex was out of the question for a long time during which my depression deepened, my libidinous desire decreased. She gained her weight back as did I. We had never entertained marriage. Both of us had been there before I once and her three times but suddenly she was hungry for it. No other ring would do but her grandmother's although now she shames me for not even buying her my own diamond. I pretended to drag my feet but planned a trip to Hawaii for her 50th birthday where I would propose via a message in a bottle and present her heirloom ring in a miniature wooden treasure chest while snorkling along a beautiful reef. She said yes drifting in the Pacific surrounded by angelfish...

Those were the days.

The economy prevented our return to Hawaii to be wed by our friend on his boat.

On a recent solo visit to my parent's home I had a breakdown thinking of my dad and my loss of fatherhood and my peers who have had normal lives and raised beautiful children... I sat in my fathers office holding his servce revolver crying and laughing at the same time. I decided I needed help. Finally. Just for me. It was MY TURN. I called home and was soothed by HER voice and pledge of support. I asked her to call my doctor for me to get the ball rolling.

On the layover at the Houston airport my cell rang. It was HER and she was raging. She read me a three page anger letter blaming me for everything bad in her life, that she thought I was going to be the man of her dreams but turned out to be the man of her nightmares. She now cursed me for not taking her to Italy for her 50th birthday to propose instead, for MAKING her get a boob job, for not diagnosing my own PTSD, depression and anxiety, for our vacant sex life... everything but 9/11 basically. Already fractured I sobbed in the airport and boarded the plane wishing it would crash.

She stands by her letter. These are what drove her to cheat she now says. I did what life trained me to do and ignored my own well being. Few men would have stuck around though all this and now someone else is reaping ( or raping) the benefits. I've been in an intensive Cognative outpatient program for two months and as I said before she began her physical affair the week I began treatment. The other day I pulled into the garage and closed the door. As I reached to turn off the ignition my hand stopped and dropped to my lap. I could take a nap I thought. the engine rumbling gently and Let it Be on the stereo mezmorized me for several minutes. I shut off the car and coughed though the fumes into the house.

My life now: Mental Therapy Monday and Wednesday nights, Physical wellness training Monday and Thursday mornings Private psychiatric on Fridays and now couples counceling on Wednesday morning and working on her f-buddy days, (allegedly over).

Hell lies in between.

Prevailing emotion of the day: Dispair
Prevailing thought distortion of the day: I am a Failure

Your comments and advise appreciated as always.