Just found out wife is cheating 3 days ago my 31st birthday

[crushedinmyrtlebeach]

So here it goes. I have no one else to talk to and ask advice. I have been married almost 9 years with an 8 year old and 22 month old boys. My wife started being distant with me never wanting to have sex or hold each other in 2001 but I said to myself it was just the new baby. In 2004 she told me she could never have sex with me again because she was depressed that went on for a year I stayed faithful. She started accussing me of an affair which is so not true in 2006 and I could not figure out why. Then she wanted another baby things were good for a while but got worse again 5 months into pregnancy. I started noticing a hotmail address in the history a year ago and asked she denied having a hotmail account several times. Well on Dec 18th the night before my birthday I came up behind her and saw an open hotmail page then she closed it. I waited and bought a keylogger. I then checked it on the 19th my brithday she had the account open since 2004 with a guy that she left her first husband for in 95 they lived together for a few years. He lives near her families vacation home in N Carolina I knew that and even let her go up with the kids a few times without me because I trusted her. The emails are so bad talking about every detail of our marriage from our kids names to me getting hurt at work to past sexual encounters from before her and I meet. They have been Instant Messaging and writing very personal emails. He is married too. I can tell that they never meet up but always planned it but never went through with it. I can also tell that it was finally about to happen but I caught them first. She even almost named our new son after his middle name with out telling me thank God I did not like it. She denied after she was caught that she tried to call him she said it was all a fantasy. She told him in an email how she tried to call him but forgot his number even called 411 and wanted him to come over after the kids were asleep. She told me she didnt really call him that she just told him that to keep the "fantasy". Well I checked the phone records and she did she was just off by one number that one number is all that kept her from sleeping with him.So she was still lying. She got our little one a halloween custom that reminded her of him and told him.She sent pictures of our boys to him. She sent e cards at holidays there birthdays she wrote him on my birthdays anniversary valentines. No wonder I have never had sex with my wife on our anniversary or my birthday. She has been emotionally cheating all these years that is why I could not get close to her she was giving herself to him. And she accussed me of cheating she was doing it. The last email on my birthday she told him how in a store parking lot"while she was gettting my birthday present" that she thought about how they did it up against her car years ago ( it was before her and I) they were laughing about it. Nothing was ours nothing was sacred it was all shared with him. I can see they talk about the last time they saw each other was in 2001 when my oldest was a baby. She is trying to tell me that they did not but it is in the email. So I believe she is still lying why would that be in an email people dont just make up stuff. They saw each other then. She says in the email that she only keeps it going for the boys. Not for me. OF course now that I have all 420 emails since June of 2006 she is telling me she will never talk to him again she is so ashamed the thought of him or the vacation home makes her sick now that she knows what she was doing to me and how she hurt me. She wants me to get over it. I look at simple things curtains christmas trees pictures and think it was all a lie nothing was ours she shared everything in our daily lives with this person. I feel like a fool lost alone. I told her I needed to talk to someone I am closest with her older brother she tells me I am going to make something so simple so big that her family would make it more and disown her. They had a hard time when she did it to her first husband with this same guy now me they love me and she knows it. I cant even look at what I thought was a cute Halloween custom on our little boy because she got it because it reminded her of him. How if ever could I trust anything and stay in this. I told her our marriage sucked before I dont want that back. She agrees and says she will change and finally give herself to me. I cant help but remember all the things she said to him about just staying for the kids. I think she just doesnt want to be the reason for our split. I think things would be good for a while but probably go back. I did not want to hurt these kids. I love her family and all my nieces and nephews I dont want to lose them either. But I dont think I can get over this. The silly thing I always love this time of year now it just feels like a lonely summer day. I am still here on the couch because I dont want the kids to have this memory during Christmas and I want both parents here for Christmas morning. How can I should I try. I feel violated and betrayed and lost and like a FOOL.

[Flynn]

Get a DNA Test done!!!

[StillinShock]

I am so sorry Crushed....What a horrible thing to have happened to you. The other man is married and she is married and it has been going on for years. I suspect he will not leave his wife for her and she is staying just to be comfortable (as she wrote to him--for the kids). Obviously you are supporting her well enough and she can "have her cake and eat it too".
I doubt there has been no physical liason but it is surprising that you didn't see it in the email. Never mind---the fact that she is staying with you only for the kids says it all. She has no plans to leave you until she is sure she has somewhere else to go--which means you are being used big time.
I agree that you cannot believe her. If you have not read the emails it would still be going on and then some. Don't believe that she feels differently just because you caught her. She is sorry--so so sorry she got caught.
I know you love her. That doesn't change automatically.
Based on my experience:
* Get checked for STDs in case you are wrong about the physical stuff
* Get a counselor--you need to be able to talk to someone to while you are in shock,etc. Don't brush this off--do it for your kids--they need one sane parent. You will be a better father and insurance usually covers it.
* Save all the evidence in a safety deposit box. Ask her to write you a letter apologizing and putting everything she has done in the letter (save that too)Right now she feels guilty and she might just do it--you will need this later.
*Don't do anything stupid---ie, no revenge affairs, no dating, no drinking and driving, etc. Keep your head about you even though you are in shock
*tell at least one good close friend or family member--you need to see their reaction for all this to sink in
*don't believe ANYTHING she says---tell yourself "she wants me to believe this or that" so that you are not sucked in..
*Most guys won't do this but if you can write your thoughts in a journal each day it will really help. It will allow you to look back at a week later and remember how you felt, what you were thinking etc. and it will keep you on track. I know you probably won't do this--but it does help.
*Secure the money. While she is guilty she will let you take over the finances. She gets an allowance--she is the one that betrayed you. While you are deciding what to do, you must protect yourself. Move the money under only your name and give her cash to spend. She won't like it but she won't leave. And she deserves not to be trusted and even she knows this.
Stay in touch--I know it is hard because you love her so much but if you think about it, you loved the person you thought she was...You will feel a lot of grief as you mourn the loss of that so it is understandable that you are frozen now. It's okay. You don't have to make any decisions right now. No hurry to decide anything so stop trying to figure out what you are going to do.
Give yourself some time to get over this traumatic shock.
Keep writing.

[MuffinMan]

I'd first find out if your kids are yours or not.

then either way, I'd divorce the b!tch.

She wants you to get over it? F#ck her. I'd tell her family anyway, then get a good lawyer.

I know this is hard for you and that the thought of divorce would be way too scary. this is too new for you and you are probably in the desperation phase.
Trust me, you will never trust this ho again and she already did this to one husband, which should already have been a red flag to you.

Get rid of her and for god's sake, get a DNA test done!!

[Skirtchaser]

Don't be fooled, if she is doing these other things, she's had more sex than you on those occasions. I'll bet you havent even scratched the surface of what she has done.

Muffin's right, divorce this bi.tch.

[Realist]

Originally Posted by crushedinmyrtlebeach

So here it goes. I have no one else to talk to and ask advice. I have been married almost 9 years with an 8 year old and 22 month old boys. My wife started being distant with me never wanting to have sex or hold each other in 2001 but I said to myself it was just the new baby. In 2004 she told me she could never have sex with me again because she was depressed that went on for a year I stayed faithful. She started accussing me of an affair which is so not true in 2006 and I could not figure out why. Then she wanted another baby things were good for a while but got worse again 5 months into pregnancy. I started noticing a hotmail address in the history a year ago and asked she denied having a hotmail account several times. ...

Throw her out. The kids stay with you - if she has a problem with this, inform her that you'd hate to be FORCED into to giving the gory details of her infidelities to your inlaws, and having her sons grow up in the knowledge of what their mother was up to.

Some would call this cruel and severe. That's loser talk. It is she who has dishonored you. You're the one whose been lied to. The idea that you should part ways on her terms is assinine.

I'm normally very pessimistic about the prospects of cheating wives. Too often their affairs are emotionally invested, or otherwise involve the betrayed spouse basically being made to feel like a stranger in his own house. In your case, I'm especially pessimistic about reconcilliation. Her heart is elsewhere. What she loves about you, if anything, is the stability that your relationship provides. And as you intuited, she is dreadfully afraid of being exposed to her family - she doesn't want to be perceived as the cause of a divorce, let alone for such reasons.

Don't waste your life on someone who checked out years ago. Your wife didn't cheat on you because she wanted to feel young and sexy again, or have a one-night stand due to having an over-active libido - she simply thinks fondly of this guy, and thinks it's okay to treat you like garbage.

So, you can be a sucker, or put this woman in her place. If she sheds enough tears, and doesn't wait to try and reconcile (after you throw her out) for a few months while she see's if she can her bf leave his wife - MAYBE you can consider it. But in your case, I'd ask WHY even bother? What is there to save? If you say "for the kids" then I pity you - for it won't be for the kids. That'll just be an excuse - it'll be because of your own sentimentality and fear of change in your own life. Your kids already have an adultress for a mother - why do they need a puss-y for a father as well?

Good luck.

[MuffinMan]

Dude, get a divorce!!! You are only 31. You have your whole life ahead of you. DO NOT waste another precious minute of your life living with a cheating s!ut. Trust me on this, or you will go throughout life wondering why you settled for this sh!t.

[crushedinmyrtlebeach]

I don't know why I am going on with these emotions. You would think it would be easy to pick up and walk on after something like this. I always thought I could. I still think that is what is going to happen. Maybe if I had just left when I found out instead of trying to fake it for my boys over Christmas. I left the other day and she was saying that she hoped I regretted for the rest of my life doing this to these kids. I was floored I did not do anything to them. She seems to get defensive and angry and try and turn things around on me and point out that I have not always done this or that for her. I tried for years but grew distant from the constant rejection. Why is she trying to turn it on me? It is like if I say that I can try for a few days to see if I can get over it she gets real nice and loving but I start having all these thoughts in my head. I remember all that was said in the emails. How I was such a fool. I find myself still not trusting or believing. I wish things were the way I thought and hoped they were all these years. She swears that she will be the wife I always wanted and she will never talk like that or do anything to hurt me again. I feel like I owe it to my kids to try but I don't think I can ever get past this. I am so back and forth and feel like now I am just going to hurt her or me or these kids more by not just staying on one decision. I feel more at peace for a moment if I think to stay and work it out but it always comes back in my head what has happened. I tried to go eat with her last night and felt like I was on an uncomfortable first date with someone I did not know. I can't even look her in the eyes. Why am I so back and forth? I talked to a friend who went through this 3 years ago after a ten year marriage. He says that sometimes he wishes he had tried harder to stay and that it is still hard on him. Can any one tell me why this is so hard and why I can't decide or make up my mind? You have went through this and I am sure you understand these emotions. Maybe I am just fooling myself and letting her continue to use me. I have moments of anger and deep sadness. But have not had any moments of happiness or forgiveness or a willingness to let myself forget.

[Flynn]

First get a keylogger for your computer. It will track her emails, passwords, and other accounts. Even deleted emails. Sounds like this will re-surface in the future....it is rare to all of a sudden go cold turkey on this.

Second contact his wife and let her know!!! She deserves to know and she can restrict him.

Third she has to do all the work if she is to be taken seriously about wanting to recover the marriage. She treated you like crap, denied sex for long periods and emotional divorced herself from the marriage.

Is there a chance that your oldest may not be yours?? If the last time they saw each other was when he was a baby then he was around prior. A easy doctors visit without your wife knowing can ease any doubts. A swab in the cheeks and its done.

Don't be a doormat...take charge of your marriage if your staying in it and it sounds like your are. Unless there is major counseling and a complete turnaround by your wife....this will then only be temporary.

[StillinShock]

Crushed, Flynn has good advice. This is so hard because we've had something terrible happen to us. We had to learn that the person we love is really not worthy of us--unfortunately, it doesn't change the fact that we love the person or erase the history that we have together.

I am suffering as you described and I don't even have the guilt dumped on me about kids. But don't let her dump this guilt on you--she did this--not you.

The think is--if my H would have put forth a half-decent effort I was so ready to forgive him the first time while I was in shock--it is the lies afterwards and then seeing just how narsistitic he really is that has made it hard to stay. But, yes, the other feelings make it hard to leave.

So I'm just sitting here. Not sure how long this can go on though.