Caught it before it went physical

Mutt · #1 11-12-2008, 12:02 PM

Hello everyone,

Like everyone else her, I though I’d get some theory through expression, Here’s my story. Get ready, it’s a long one.

We’ve been married for 9 years and have two great kids, 5 and 7. I moved to our present home and me my wife here. From the beginning of our relationship I made it clear that my intention was to move back my home town if ever the chance came up. We’ll about a year ago, I got transferred back to my home town. I was living there during the week and flying back to my family on weekends for about 4 months. Needless to say it was hard on both of us.

During this time, My wife was connecting with old friend on Facebook, (sounds like the usual story so far doesn’t it). She started talking with an old GL and between the two of them, they found and connected with several old friends from high school. One of those was a casual acquiesce she knew through an old BF. They started talking, just casual at first. He would get a little suggestive, she would respond in kind and then giggle about it on-line with her GF. They were sort of egging each other on and both didn’t think much of it as he lived a long way from our home.

She started opening up to the POS, confiding that she did not want to move. He of course was so supportive and she somehow gained a level of trust with him. All the while, they were getting more and more suggestive in their conversations.

I started to feel distance developing when I would come home and felt there was something wrong. She finally told me she did not want to move. So we didn’t. I stayed as long as it took to set up the new department I was running and then made plans to come back. But when I got back, the distance seem to broaden. And then out of the blue, my wife announces we were taking a family trip to what I didn’t know at the time was where the POS lived. We had talked about visiting the area several time, but never that specific city and never made definite plans. The bells started going off big time.

I installed a Key logger, got her password and read her e-mail messages to the POS. They were not all that suggestive as she often e-mailed him from work. The one that hurt me the most was one where she told him she didn’t know how she felt about my coming home for good. I was crushed.

I had intended to let the matter go at the time and see where the conversations lead, but I couldn’t keep it bottled up. I confronted her and her immediate response was panic. She told me the e-mails were not what they seemed and asked whether I only read her e-mail. I said yes and made a mental not to check elsewhere for other conversations. I told my wife I had figured out her Password but didn’t tell her about the key logger. I went back later to check her IM logs but she had already deleted them.

She explained that she had been feeling trapped by our situation, that she felt like she had no say in whether we would be moving and that lead her to confide on the POS. She said she didn’t want to burden me with more problems as I had enough working so far from home. Through-out our relationship, she has not been the most open and communicative. I’ve often tried to get her to express her feelings with little success. She tells me that when she does open up, I get preachy and tell her what she should do and how she should be feeling. I disagree but I can see how I was trying to solve problems rather than just listen and being supportive. Regardless, she felt safe confiding in him since he was so far away.

I asked her to tell him to send me an e-mail, explaining his side of the story. I asked her not to coach him and to just let him explain his actions. I wanted to see what she would tell him since I still had the key logger in place and could monitor her e-mails. What followed was the worse betrayal I could imagine. Not only did she tell him everything we talks about and instruct him what he should tell me, she said that she “told me what I wanted hear” to calm me down.

I didn’t know what to think. During this whole time, I was getting mixed signals. She told him those things and then she would cry on her GF’s shoulder and say how she knew how good she had it and didn’t want to loose me.

I told him in an e-mail that she had developed real feeling for her and asked him to do the right thing. She got very upset and thought I had ruined their friendship.

Over the next few months, I continued monitoring and I started talking with her GF, using her as someone I could talk too, at the same time knowing what she and my wife and the POS were saying to each other. I got the GF on my side and she started torpedoing the POS to my wife. I had a Private Investigator lined up to follow them during our “Family Vacation” but I couldn’t pretend it was OK for them to meet after everything that had happened. I told her there was no way I could be OK with their meeting and that she had to make a choice. She complained to her GF that had issues an ultimatum to her, but I didn’t see it that way. They never ended up meeting and the PI was not needed.

When we got back, she said she would not communicate with him again, but she did. He would POKE her and they would trade e-mails at work. They never did get suggestive again and I never learned the extent of their discussions. From what I did read and her e-mails between the POS and her GF, she never said she loved him or anything of that nature. I’m left to fill in the blanks and wonder.

In a later e-mail she asked him if he had developed feeling for her, but he blew off the question without really answering her. I guess I sort of scared him off some what. He never kept up his side after that. She started to feel abandoned by him and eventually “had a realization” he was a user and stopped trying to talk with him. I still monitor her e-mails and IM use and for a while she was visiting his Facebook page but that seem to have dropped off to almost nothing, but she still does it every now and again.

If I hadn’t gotten on top of things, I think she would have gotten physical with this guy, even though she is adamant she would not have. She still believes it was just a mistake and she has apologized. I’m just not so sure she would even admit to herself how far gone she was over thing guy. She would tell her GF she was feeling conflicted and that she couldn’t stop thinking about him. She frequently asked him in their conversations “We’re only joking around, right?” and things like that.

Our trust has been shattered over an on-line con artist. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to let this go. She had me written off, and it only luck that brought us back from the edge of destruction.

KATURN · #2 11-12-2008, 05:35 PM

She needs to learn to communicate with you. This is an unhealthy mindset to seek escape through a 3rd party. SHe needs to open up and share her feelings. I would keep a close eye on her. This type of behaviour often find itself reapeated.

Skirtchaser · #3 11-12-2008, 05:48 PM

Yea the guy is a pos, but what shall we call your wife, she did the same thing. What of her? Is she not just as guilty if not more? She's the one who swore vows to you not him.

holikdad · #4 11-12-2008, 06:05 PM

It does take two to tango so even though it's easy just to blame the POS she was just as much responsible. You'll have to get over it somehow, and after a few months It makes me wonder why you're still so untrusting of her. Is she still sneaking around or has she tried making things better between the two of you? Since she's the responsible party she really needs to be working hard to put your marriage back to the way it was or better.

Mutt · #5 11-12-2008, 06:21 PM

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Originally Posted by holikdad

... after a few months It makes me wonder why you're still so untrusting of her. Is she still sneaking around or has she tried making things better between the two of you? Since she's the responsible party she really needs to be working hard to put your marriage back to the way it was or better.

Same old story, how do you trust someone who has lied to you in the past. I still don't trust her. Throughout the whole thing, I would ask her is she was still e-mailing him, knowing she was, and she would lie and say she had broken off contact. She told me she had remove him on MSN, I would review the key logger and see her repeately adding him as a contact, then remove him again and again. Its only after her revelation that she seemed finally clue in and drop it.

StillinShock · #6 11-12-2008, 09:11 PM

I'm sorry...but she is still lying to you and you are wondering about her? The lying needs to stop. There is no respect for you and your marriage if she is lying to you. Marriage is when you stop dating others and flirting with them and putting them before your husband. She is not "being married to you".
She may be physically with you but she is getting her emotional support from others.
It will get worse. Get into therapy as you will need it to live with someone who lies. She needs therapy as well to deal with her dishonesty in the marriage. But, unfortunately, she will probably lie to the therapist.
She said it very clearly when she said "I told him what he wanted to hear".

The therapist or many self-help books (When your Lover is a liar) will help you set boundaries. You tell your spouse what you can and cannot accept and that you cannot accept her lying to you about being in relationships with this man or other men. Tell her that if she continues to lie to you about this then you will leave. This is called setting a boundary and drawing a line in the sand.
If she crosses the boundary and lies again, then you will know the value of your relationship and the mental health of your wife. And you will know then that you need to leave.
It is heartbreaking--I know. My H lied again..and again...and again...and now I have asked him to move out. Don't wait 29 years like I did....

MuffinMan · #7 11-13-2008, 07:39 AM

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Originally Posted by Mutt

If I hadn’t gotten on top of things, I think she would have gotten physical with this guy, even though she is adamant she would not have.

Oh bull. She would have. And the fact you stopped it doesn't change the fact that she would have cheated if the perfect opportunity would have arose.

so now what? You have to be her babysitter? Thats no life. You shouldn't have to live life constantly being a private investigator and keeping tabs on her. That is worry you don't need in your life.

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She still believes it was just a mistake and she has apologized.

Cheating, no matter what form it takes, is NO MISTAKE. They do it because they want to do it.

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Our trust has been shattered over an on-line con artist. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to let this go.

I hate to say it, but no, you won't be able to let it go, unless you divorce her.

Mutt · #8 11-13-2008, 10:50 AM

MuffinMan,

I honestly think your doom and gloom perspective is not helping anyone. Life is never as black and white as you seem to portray.

I'm not trying to minimize your situation but what worked for you will not work for everyone. Obviously, you've been hurt and hurt bad, and I have no idea what happen to you or your situation, but telling everyone to do what you did in response to their situation is doing them a dis-service. What if you’re wrong?

I happen to think our relationship and our marriage will survive this. It will be hard for me to get over but I believe I can do it. We've survived other troubles, some arising from very poor choices I've made (not cheating), and she stuck by me.

Who hasn't lied in some way to their friends or family? Trust can be restored. Its just hard. Maybe I would be able to trust her again but I'm sure going to give her the chance to restore my faith in her.

MuffinMan · #9 11-13-2008, 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mutt

MuffinMan,

I honestly think your doom and gloom perspective is not helping anyone. Life is never as black and white as you seem to portray.

Then by all means, be her lapdog and let her play you for a fool.

Some people have to learn the hard way.

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I'm not trying to minimize your situation but what worked for you will not work for everyone. Obviously, you've been hurt and hurt bad, and I have no idea what happen to you or your situation, but telling everyone to do what you did in response to their situation is doing them a dis-service.

If telling someone to divorce is doing them a disservice, then the only other advice would be to tell everyone to give it their very best. hence, there would really only be one piece of advice to give. And if thats the case, then why ask people's opinions?

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What if you’re wrong?

I'm not. Even if you repair your marriage so you can keep the status quo, and things "seem" ok again, it still won't change the fact that you are married to a cheater.

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I happen to think our relationship and our marriage will survive this. It will be hard for me to get over but I believe I can do it. We've serviced other troubles, some arising from very poor choices I've made (not cheating), and she stuck by me.

example, if I had a drug addiction, I'd expect someone that is suppose to love me to help me.

I wouldn't expect anyone to stand by me if I stuck my d!ck in another woman.

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Who hasn't lied in some way to their friends or family?

everyone tells little white lies and some whoppers.

But that is much different than the lie of sneaking around behind someones back and laying the groundwork to, well, get laid.

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Trust can be restored. Its just hard. Maybe I would be able to trust her again but I'm sure going to give her the chance to restore my faith in her.

Well if this is the attitude you have and this is what you want to hear, why ask people's opinions? Seems you already know what you want to do.....so do it.

Mutt · #10 11-13-2008, 12:41 PM

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