Your Spouse's Outward Presentation

[jonnypyuma]

Originally Posted by Arnold

Interstingly, my wives' families beleived me and even helped me put togehter the pieces of the puzzle. Thye were forthcoming with info about their pasts , including their involvement with married men, and a host of weird behaviors I had never imagined them having done .
But, to our casual, mutual friends, both XW's portrayed themselves as victims and denied the cheating. These folks bought it.
I think the juxtaposition of their families' support of me and my continued friendship with thhe ex-in-laws did cause many to, eventually, question my XWs versions of what happened.

Arnold, why do you think they still deny it? My wife lied about everything until she knew I had evidence or I pressed her again and again and told her she is lieing. My wife does not lie well. (IMO) You seem somewhat like me in that knowing the truth, no matter how bad, brings some type of closure. When these people lie or do not tell the entire truth and we know it, for me, it drives me nuts, and makes it all the harder to get over it. Does this make sense? That closure is related to hearing the truth from the cheater. In your mind would a confession that they cheated make it easier to move on?

[Arnold]

jp, in the cases of both my xw, I attribute their continued lying to their being personality disordered.
I guess that sounds simplistic, but, when I look back at the way they behaved, I can see that they each had constructed realities which were very much a fantasy. And, facing the facts that they cheated and lied goes against their self image in their fantasies. Bottom line is that, as hard as it is for reasonably normal person to understand, they seem to feel that if they do not admit it, it did not happen.
I am a lawyer by trade. I have incredibly reliable evidence of the cheating, such that if I had to prove this to a jury or magistrate, I could do so 999 out of 1,000 times, with the 1% failure attributable to my having an acid flashback while putting in my case.
One thing I have fond in trying to pin down a disordered person with hard questions that will get to the truth , is that they employ well entrenched avoidance tactics and you feel frustrated by the way they never really answer.
Here is a perfect example from my first wife, in an exchange that we recently had. She has the desire to maintain some type of friendship with me. I have told her that I will only communicate with her if she comes clean and gives a complete and accurate account of her cheating.
She has confessed to two emotional affairs in the past, but never to a phsyical one. I have seen her journal entries where she describes her desire to stop having sex with strangers. I know she spent a weekend in Chicago in a hotel room with a man from her AA group. I had her sister come to me and tell me that my XW was in a bar trying to pick up guys when we were married. I had my XW recount to me, when she ws drunk, how impressive the body of one of the guys she was out with was(she blew in at 3 a.m. and did this). She stopped wearing her wedding ring when she went out. She was out until at least 1 a.m. 62% of all nights in 1994.
But, when I point this stuff out to her, all she teells me is that she has told me everything about her 2 emotional affairs and that is all there is to tell.
So, I point out to her that in addition to not addressing the above evidence, she has not ever even really disclosed anything about the emotinal affairs. She claims that " the chemistry became sexualized", whatever the F that means. She has given no details re the logistics of the affairs she admits to. She has provided no information about what they talked about and what "sexualized chemistry " means.
Yet, she claims she has given me all the substantive info on the admitted affairs. I have no details at all re these. No numbers of meetings, no locations, not description of their evolution. Nothing.
But, when I point this out to her, her response ifs that she will no longer communicate with me(which is fine and sort of my goal, anyway).
My point is that trying to pin down a disordered , lying(redundant?) cheating spouse is like trying to hold a greased pig and will just frustrate you to no end.
Thye lie because that is just what they do. Their fundamental nature is dishonest and cruel.

[rossiFan]

Hey, Arnold, at least your ex tried to hide it from you, tried to somewhat protect you from her s***. Mine just did it in-your-face style. How's that for cruel?

[bchgrl2008]

Rossi-
Your wife reminds me of my brother's wife. She tells my brother she misses him while she's on vacation with the boyfriend. That is cruel...

[rossiFan]

Originally Posted by bchgrl2008

Rossi-
Your wife reminds me of my brother's wife. She tells my brother she misses him while she's on vacation with the boyfriend. That is cruel...

It's just un-fu***** believable.

[mystery519]

IMO i think it seems extremely rare to find that your spouse family will believe you but with that being said the majority of my in laws are just evil....perhaps if the price was right they'd be willing to disclose info about him but then again its to their benefit not to...lord forbid we'd divorce and he might half to split everything and then they'd get less from him...

Besides myself and my sisters and one of his sisters are the only ones that agree with me that my husband is full of it, but they are not very helpful with putting the puzzle together, it has takin almost 2 years to persuade my bff that my hubby is hiding something, but she like most people adore him and figures he is a near perfect man, but unlike all these people i could see in his eyes that he's full of bs.... He still denies that anything happened but if i honestly believed that i was wrong about him im sure i would have let it go by now...

but i haven't because there is a voice within in me that screams out that he has not been honest regardless of what he says there is just to many glitches and i guess he fooled me for along time and since i open my big mouth without getting all the information i could im sure i help him to cover his tracks....so for that i am still trying to forgive myself for, i understand how hurt i was but to unknowingly help him in deceiving me i have had a hard time letting go of that..

jp...I think they still deny it because it similar to what arnold says, they live in a fantasy world and by denying it, its as if it never happened so they continue to lie, and scheme and come up these outlandish stories not to benefit you but to benefit themselves, they are not ready to admit what type of person they truly are and if they decide to tell you the real truth then theyd have to come face to face with there innerself and and see how despicable and cruel they really are, and we all know fantasy is the mother of fairy tale and i have never seen a fairytale where the evil villian or witch gets away with the harm they inflict so they re-write the script and in there world they are the victim and we are the villian and the evil witch....

so we get casted away while they live it up in a castle and go on to live happily f****n Ever

[oscarland]

Mystery, how right you are. Funniest thing I've read today. But, don't let that get in the way of going off to your castle and living happily ever after.