new guy but need help please

[RedEyes]

Hello all,
I am a male of 30 years old. For the last two years I have dealt with my high school sweet-heart cheating on me and really just want an end to this madness. We have been married for 11 years and have two kids. After 9 years of marriage I found out she was seeing her first love. It was at that point that she told me she wanted a divorce and that she was not sure she was in love with me. But now, without dragging everyone through the pain and hardship she has put me through, she wants things to work for us and wants me to move back in with her. The problem I am having is that when I ask her if she wants me back after a statement like that she tells me she does not know. There is a lot more to this than I am explaining. I am just seeing know how real this site is so that I can decide on how to take the response I will get. I do love her so much and do not want to lose her. But I also want to feel like a man again and want to go a day without feeling like she is still seeing him. Is this even possible? Please help me find my way.

[grumpy_shay]

hey there,
well, i can't say that i don't understand because i do. i was married to my h/s sweetheart from the age of 16. we have 2 children and i believed all was well with our relationship. he even had me fooled. wasn't long before i heard the dreadful, "i've met someone and i want to be with her."
needless to say, they are now married and expecting their first child together.
i didn't have much choice in the matter other than accept what fate had dealt me and move forward with my life. it is only recently that i believe i didn't allow myself enough time to heal completely.
i'm currently, in a situation with my boyfriend who i met through e-mail (that should have been a clue-eh?). he is a habitual on-line casanova. all along i trusted him, believed him to be faithful and loyal to me, yet there it was in black and white all the IM messages he was sending to several different females. some explicit and you would never have guessed he was in a relationship with anyone. not only that, there were text messages on his phone and since then the nightmare has not stopped.
i've come to realize that i cannot change his habits and yes, i believe it will happen again. so now, here i am, wondering if moving on with a new life without him is the only option. leaving me back at square one.
so would your wife feel as forgiving if the tables were turned? i know that in my situation, most likely NOT! so, why have i stayed this long? i'm not sure anymore. guess, he's pretty lucky to have had me along his side for this long because i'm sure anyone else would have said, "see ya!" after the first time.
so what advice can i offer? perhaps not the answer you were hoping for but i know that you have to allow yourself time to completely forgive and not just with your heart but with your mind also. sounds like you have strong feelings for her and it may take time but you should be able to take all the time you need, she owes you that much! if she loves you and truly wants for your relationship to work, she'll understand.
i'm sorry it had to happen to you and especially with your children. i will pray for you and hope that you have your happiness returned. good luck! Stay strong!

Shay

p.s..yes i've re-read this message to you and have gained further in-sight to my own situation. i promise to listen to my own advice. wish me luck! :o

[Adam Bomb 1701]

Get rid of her. Now! Your self esteem will never be the same as long as you have doubts about her. My cheating ex told me she never loved me; this was after 14 years of a sham marriage (with one child.) We've been divorced five years now. I'm poorer (I have to pay alimony) but a lot happier. And, I've found someone much better than my ex ever was.
Also, as long as she's cheating (once a cheater. always a cheater) there's a possibility she may get pregnant by the other guy. The last thing you need is to go to court, and risk getting a stupid judge with outdated values. He/she just may order you to pay support for a kid you didn't father. That last one may be a longshot, but do you really want to risk it?

[paula]

i know it hurts because i am going thru the same thing. i must say that the reason you are in so much pain is because your body knows you have already lost her. your mind has not caught up yet. i don't think i can ever live with a man that i don't respect, or trust anymore. i have to have both to sleep with a man. i lost the respect years ago and the trust follows right behind. i don't have any hate for him which i am begining to think means that i am right that i don't love him anymore and have not for some time. i don't like him at all and from what i have picked up from our daughter he expected more of a blow out reaction from me. i am indifferent. i don't want anyone that doesn't want me and i am past trying to make him want me anymore. you are not number one with this women and may never be again. the kids need you to protect them from whoever she takes up with and has over to spend the night. i know that highschool sweethearts seem to be more forgiving because they go way farther back then the rest of us. but so what, she smashed your life and it is over. look after the kids because she is not thinking straight and you will have to do the thinking for everyone. i agree about the other man, fathering a child. in florida if you are married when a child is born, the child is a product of the marriage and the husband is "the father".

[Simon Philip]

My first wife ended our 16 year marriage by sleeping with my best friend and employee. They are now a couple though not living together because he's polyamorous. We married at 19, high school sweethearts. We had 3 boys together now 14, 11 and 9. I could bore you with details, but basically I was suspicious when she'd close windows out on the computer, and I later found cache files to a secret hotmail account. His wife dumped him after their 10+ year marriage and 2 kids...

It's been 3 years now. I am remarried (10mos). I thought I was happier with her gone, but now I find my new wife to be chatting online with ex-boyfriends. Not sure what I'm going to do... thus I found this site.

I am definitely happier without my first wife. I had outgrown her, and I have been able to maintain a good relationship with my boys. My new wife really helped me see how manipulative and aweful my first wife was to me...

So advice... You have to decide if you can trust her, if you really want her back, then walk away from her and see if she follows. You can't make her follow you. If she does follow you, then you can work on rebuilding, but it sounds like shes not following but walking away.

If she doesn't follow you, then you're walking away and keep going.

Simon

[gam3s]

If you want to feel like a man again, then you must follow these guidelines:

0) STOP LOVING HER - SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! SHE'S JUST PLAYING YOU. TO REALLY RECOVER FROM THIS INCIDENT, YOU MUST LET HER GO! SHE'S NOT WORTH YOUR LOVE!
1) Divorce her - she has no respect for you
2) Pursue other women!

If you really want to feel like a man, get revenge! You don't have to hit her, you don't have to hit her boyfriend. Play with her emotions, the way she did to you.

1) make her feel that she has earned your forgiveness
2) bang her shamelessly and treat her like a piece of trash
3) start seeing other women - have affairs with her friends if you can.
4) let her catch you! that will truly break her heart!

[SweetDeltaRose]

RUN! Run as fast and as far away as you can!! For whatever reason this relationship with the other man hasn't worked out and you, I'm sorry to say, are her soft place to fall. Do you want to be used like this every time she strays and it doesn't work out? That's exactly what's going to happen if you reconcile with her. She does NOT love you, she even told you she wasn't sure she was in love with you - that's a HUGE HINT!! You will never be able to trust her again or believe anything she says. Any time she's later getting home than she said or she's away for any extended amount of time, all that's going through your mind will be who is she with and what's she doing with him. Trust me, I know from experience. I know you probably still love her, but for your sanity's sake and the sake of your children, just let her go and move on - if she's cheated once, she'll do it again, I guarantee it. Please don't be this woman's doormat.

[Adam Bomb 1701]

Now I find my new wife to be chatting online with ex-boyfriends. Not sure what I'm going to do... thus I found this site.


Is she cheating as well? If she wasn't back then, she probably is by now. That's how it starts.

[Ravage]

I'd say dont go back!!!

If she isnt willing to give up the OM or recommit 100% what the hell is the point!

You left your under no obligation to return to a trifling *****. lol.

If she's still in contact with him really what's the point? Your gonna be setting yourself up for the fall again anyways.