How to deal with sex addicted and affair prone wife? Any advise?

[Mogambo]

Hi all.
Let me introduce myself to you. I am 50 year old; Indian by origin, migrated to one of the developed county in 1998. Now citizen of the country I migrated. I have 40 years old wife married 20 years back & have two sons. I am waiting for heart transplant surgery as my heart is severely damaged one year back as a result of massive myocardial infarct. (Heart Attack)
I came across this site accidentally & was impressed by the quality of advice offered in most of the scenarios. At the same time, by reading other people’s experiences, I realised that I am not alone in what I am going through at the moment. To be honest, the real purpose of writing my problem is to take steam off my chest rather than seeking advice. Of course any input / advice are welcome.
After migration, I started business & incurred heavy loss as a result I became bankrupt. My wife could not cope up with this and became chronically depressed. She is on anti depressant medicine since then. I tried for job but could not get it for want of local experience so eventually I accepted the job offer for Middle East country. However, my wife got teaching job here so I had to go alone to Middle East for a job.
I used to join my family for four weeks after 11 months of working in gulf country. When I was to return third time from Gulf, the airline I was travelling offered 50% discount if I travel one day before my scheduled journey as they had some seating issue. I accepted the offer & did not inform my wife as I wanted to give her surprise. I never knew that going one day earlier, my wife would surprise me. When I reached home at night, I saw my wife in compromising position. My wife’s active participation in adultery like her passionate kissing, removing her clothes voluntarily, parting her legs for final assault, to & fro rhythmic motion, her moaning in ecstasy literally humiliated me and was a trauma for me.
Even though I was devastated & hurt, I controlled my anger. I realised that open communication is the only way to go now. I discussed her extra marital relations without blaming her with a view to get her confesses everything. It worked & she confessed everything.
When I departed for the first time to Middle East, her first sexual encounter began in just second week after my departure. So she was being shagged for three years in my absence. I told her that I am ready to forgive her if she promises me to stop sleeping with any man other than me & remain exclusive to me in future. She was reluctant to promise or commit anything. I was surprised as to why she do not want to give up her promiscuity so I took her to the professional counsellor.
Professional Counsellor concluded that my wife is oversexed and has sexual addiction. She can’t control her strong sexual urge for 11 months. She has compulsive sexual disorder. Because of her unusually prolonged depression, he sent her to psychiatrics for her mental health assessment. Psychiatrics diagnosed her as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. He said that she uses sex as a coping mechanism to deal with day to day stresses as she has a very low stress tolerance threshold level. He suggested that I quit gulf job & stay with her so that she would not stray. I acted on his advice and stayed back. He again suggested that I take care of her sexual and emotional needs adequately as person with borderline personality Disorder are affair prone.
I saved my marriage by staying with her. One year went well. After that I got serious heart attack. My heart was damaged in the attack. I went through by pass surgery to open up blocked arteries but severe attack damaged heart muscle irreversibly. I can’t walk more than 100 meters unless heart is transplanted. After this heart attack I am not capable of having Sex.
What I understand now is my wife is again involved in sex romp. It is on going now. I know she is having good time when she leaves home on different pretext. I have been trying my best to ignore her infidelity owing to my disability of having sex because of heart problem but when I see love bites on her breast or neck I get traumatised and takes long to get past that helpless feeling. I simply don’t know what to do ?
Any advise appreciated?

[Tomcat]

Please take care of your heart. Take solace in your sons. The important thing is to stay healthy and alive and worrying about your wife could not be helping you.

Understand that your wife is mentally sick.

Most importantly think good thoughts and take care of yourself first and then when you are well again you can sort this out.

[Mogambo]

Thanks Tomcat for your sympathetic reply & kind words. I feel much relieved now & most importantly you have offered most practical advise. I agree with you that considering the fact that my wife is mentally sick, i should ignore her infidelity at the moment untill i recover my health. When i recover my health i can sort out about her infidelity.
Once again I appreciate for your advise.

[SuckerFree]

His wife isn't sick, she's a tramp. I hate to say this, but I feel no compassion for people who allow others to screw them over time and time again. She's having a ball, and he's miserable. Not a good deal if you ask me. And she hides behind some quack saying ohh, she's oversexed. She has a strong sexual appetite. That's it. Some do, some don't, it doesn't mean she's Ill. Next time you go to Middle-East, don't come back. Call her and tell her so. Think about it, don't you feel you deserve better.

[Iwasburned]

I was married to one & finally woke up. divorce her & move on. I am lucky not to be in prison awaiting execution over this. Time will heal, surround yourself with TRUE friends & family.

[markus]

I agree with suckerfree ... Its no sex addiction , she's a cold hearted selfish *****
Give her a good slap for me

[gam3s]

I agree with suckerfree and markus,

she is a *****.

compulsive sexual disorder is a fancy way of saying she's a ****.

do all of us a favor and divorce her - you deserve better in your life.

And if you find a replacement woman, bang her for all of us.

Hold your head up high!

[MuffinMan]

Hi all.
Let me introduce myself to you. I am 50 year old; Indian by origin, migrated to one of the developed county in 1998. Now citizen of the country I migrated. I have 40 years old wife married 20 years back & have two sons. I am waiting for heart transplant surgery as my heart is severely damaged one year back as a result of massive myocardial infarct. (Heart Attack)
I came across this site accidentally & was impressed by the quality of advice offered in most of the scenarios. At the same time, by reading other people’s experiences, I realised that I am not alone in what I am going through at the moment. To be honest, the real purpose of writing my problem is to take steam off my chest rather than seeking advice. Of course any input / advice are welcome.
After migration, I started business & incurred heavy loss as a result I became bankrupt. My wife could not cope up with this and became chronically depressed. She is on anti depressant medicine since then. I tried for job but could not get it for want of local experience so eventually I accepted the job offer for Middle East country. However, my wife got teaching job here so I had to go alone to Middle East for a job.
I used to join my family for four weeks after 11 months of working in gulf country. When I was to return third time from Gulf, the airline I was travelling offered 50% discount if I travel one day before my scheduled journey as they had some seating issue. I accepted the offer & did not inform my wife as I wanted to give her surprise. I never knew that going one day earlier, my wife would surprise me. When I reached home at night, I saw my wife in compromising position. My wife’s active participation in adultery like her passionate kissing, removing her clothes voluntarily, parting her legs for final assault, to & fro rhythmic motion, her moaning in ecstasy literally humiliated me and was a trauma for me.
Even though I was devastated & hurt, I controlled my anger. I realised that open communication is the only way to go now. I discussed her extra marital relations without blaming her with a view to get her confesses everything. It worked & she confessed everything.
When I departed for the first time to Middle East, her first sexual encounter began in just second week after my departure. So she was being shagged for three years in my absence. I told her that I am ready to forgive her if she promises me to stop sleeping with any man other than me & remain exclusive to me in future. She was reluctant to promise or commit anything. I was surprised as to why she do not want to give up her promiscuity so I took her to the professional counsellor.
Professional Counsellor concluded that my wife is oversexed and has sexual addiction. She can’t control her strong sexual urge for 11 months. She has compulsive sexual disorder. Because of her unusually prolonged depression, he sent her to psychiatrics for her mental health assessment. Psychiatrics diagnosed her as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. He said that she uses sex as a coping mechanism to deal with day to day stresses as she has a very low stress tolerance threshold level. He suggested that I quit gulf job & stay with her so that she would not stray. I acted on his advice and stayed back. He again suggested that I take care of her sexual and emotional needs adequately as person with borderline personality Disorder are affair prone.
I saved my marriage by staying with her. One year went well. After that I got serious heart attack. My heart was damaged in the attack. I went through by pass surgery to open up blocked arteries but severe attack damaged heart muscle irreversibly. I can’t walk more than 100 meters unless heart is transplanted. After this heart attack I am not capable of having Sex.
What I understand now is my wife is again involved in sex romp. It is on going now. I know she is having good time when she leaves home on different pretext. I have been trying my best to ignore her infidelity owing to my disability of having sex because of heart problem but when I see love bites on her breast or neck I get traumatised and takes long to get past that helpless feeling. I simply don’t know what to do ?
Any advise appreciated?

What to do with a sex addicted affair prone wife? Divorce her. If that is truly how she is, she will NEVER be faithful. Someone like that is not satisfied with the same partner for the rest of her life. Its not your fault...its hers.
She is not the kind of person that needs to be married.

[Skirtchaser]

kick her to the curb. Use Both feet.

[hallospaceboy]

Sadly, I agree with all input given so far. I am sorry.

[Jerry]

I have a rough idea of what you are going through. See my post labled "Fling in Spain." My wife cannot control her urge to be noticed and appreciated by other men and women. She was dressing very sexy when she went to the discos to dance and is always trying to look her very best. She comes from a culture in the carribean where sexy is always in. She truly believes that maried women can be with other men and it is ok.
I found out after I married her seven years ago that she had this same problem in her previous marraige. Even though it seemed to me that she wasn't being premiscuous in the past seven years, there is a strong possibility that she was and still is.

Sexual addiction is not always sexual intercourse although my wife denies having sex with other men, I don't believe her. It can be affection, flirting, spending time with other men, dancing with them etc.

Their needs to have the sexual or romantic feeling is uncontrollable and they will lie and risk everything to have it. It is an addiction that can be cured, I'm told, but she has to be willing to make the changes. I am hoping that my wife makes the changes because I do care for her and I don't want to break up our marraige (yet).

It is difficult but take your time, get physically and mentally well first. Know that your soul is the only important thing in this world and the next. Don't let anyone ever make you think that you are less than a child of God. The damage that your wife and mine are doing is to themselves (their souls) and they will have to deal with it at their own time and space.

All you can do for now is help her to become mentally balanced and take care not to do herself any more damage. Work with her until there is no recourse. In the end you must love and take care of yourself first or you will allow yourelf to become a victim.

[toamsingm]

Simple your wife is a **** splain and simple no oeffense. She is not capable of being a wife becuase she is not cut out to be. YOu need to ditch her fast, no problem being Ex-husband number 2 for her. Believe with 2 divorces on your track record finding 3 for her wont be easy so get rid of her.

[MuffinMan]

I have a rough idea of what you are going through. See my post labled "Fling in Spain." My wife cannot control her urge to be noticed and appreciated by other men and women. She was dressing very sexy when she went to the discos to dance and is always trying to look her very best. She comes from a culture in the carribean where sexy is always in. She truly believes that maried women can be with other men and it is ok.

BOOM..ok thats it!!! She believes its ok for her to be with other men?
Thats all that needs to be said...having said that, no matter if you have kids or not.....LEAVE THIS B!TCH (speaking to Jerry now).

If my wife told me that, I could no longer do it for the kids, she'd be kicked out of the house.

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[trevormac]

I have a very strong sex drive which I was able to satisfy with one woman for 11 years of a marriage. Psychologists have a habbit of letting people off the hook for their depraved behaviour and blaming it on their upbringing or genes. It's a big, fat, wide steaming load. I gave my wife a 2nd chance and she lasted just over a year (at least as far as I know) before sticking a knife in my back and making a fool of me again. All the times I was doing things for her like driving her to work and picking her up so she'd be safe and picking up nice things for her at christmas and all the other stuff I was doing for her, she was banging another guy. You can try to work it out, but there's a very good chance she'll do it again. It'll hurt if you leave her, but you'll get over it and it beats being betrayed again and going through this all over again. I now regret not leaving my wife 2 years ago and wasting that time, but I won't be fooled again.

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[arvind008]

Tujhse naraaz nahi zindagi hairaan hoon main...At this age of your life you had to see all this is really sad. Dont know what to say. You mentioned she has sexual disorder. I cannot suggest that you throw her out. You are a good husband that you are keeping her. Had there been any other man in your place he would have labelled her as promiscuous and thrown her out. He would not have taken the pain to take her to a psychiatrist.
Life is a ****ing tragedy. A tragedy that we invite on ourselves on our own. Why men cheat why women seek sex outside marriage is beyond me. Seeing that most relationships die because of sex it seems all that matters is sex .......emotions faith loyality to each other are but secondary things.
Even in india married women as old as 50 do have sex with guys as young as 20. I used to have great respect for women but seeing and knowing whats happening around I am saddened and I dont think I would respect them the way I used to once upon a time. Not that all women are like this. There are good and bad women as there are bad and good men.

I dont know what to say in your particular case as when I imagine myself in the same situation it sucks. Its not the cheating men or women ......but iits those who in order to satiate their selfish desire lure them further away fom the safety and security of their homes........I would hold responsible for such sadness,, such pain....such sorrow....... But then its life one cannot put entire blame on one person.

You take care of your wife. You are a good human being.Get her treated. If women in India can stand by their husbands when in need if they can accept and forgive their cheating husbands why cant we.
I gues she needs your support. Decision is yours-you can find an easy way out and kick her out or be a real man and stay with her and take care of her. If you leave her that might ruin her life. And what if she falls in bad hands? Someone who beats her...... insults her....? No be with her she will be fine. Things will be okay. Its never good to be seperated especially when u have kids. Sepeated families's kids develop seveal problems in their lives psychoogical problems....and chief among them is a sense of insecurity...inconfidence etc...
we need to give good future to our kids....happy lives...not sadness failures...stay on work with her on this problem it will be fine...
God Bless!!!

[Jerry]

You can't change them. All you can do is tell them how you feel and what you need to get your marraig back on track. Then stick to your guns and either she follows the program that in most cases means give up having intimate relationships with other people and being honest and loving towards you. She has to contribute and help make your relationship work. if she fails in any area it means she will continue to cheat and be dishonest. run for the hills - find a way to seperate yourself from her, divorce her, do your best for the kids and then move on. you need to get yourself together and learn to love yourself and take care of yourself or you won't be any good for anyone else or yourself.

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