sad

[koral42]

I found love letters to my wife from a guy that she works with last week. I had asked her several questions over the past three weeks about this person because I could tell that they were spending a bit too much time together at work. They went to lunch and breaks together, and so on. She denied it, and put me on a guilt trip for even thinking that she would do such a thing. When I found the letters, she refused to stop seeing him, saying that he was a good person and a nice friend, blah blah blah...
After I told her how much I loved her, and what she meant to me, she agreed to stop talking to him, and told him she did not want to speak to or see him again. She says that they never had sexual relations, and that they never kissed. Other than the love letters, and conversation, they only hugged.
I don't know whether to believe her or not. I keep waiting for her not to come home after work, or to come home to a house that has been emptied by a u haul. There are *obviously* things that we need to work on in our marriage, and one of them from her side is that I keep too tight of a lease on things. But how can I give her more freedom, and not ask her questions about every day life, when she has done this to me? It makes me want to know her every step and every move. I know I can't follow her about all day, or call her every minute, but I don't know how to give her more space when for all I know she is still lying to me. How do I ever build the trust back up?
I'm almost feel trapped. I love her. We have been married for four years. I can forgive and forget this, and work around it, but if I do it the wrong way, she will want to leave me. If I bother her about her comings and goings, she will feel I am invading her privacy. But if I don't, I will think she's out seeing this other guy, or a different fellow.
She is hurting because everyone at work now knows what she has done, and my family knows what she has done, as does her close family. Then she also has to deal with a distraught, emotional spouse. I know she is in pain, but I am in pain as well. This is so horrid. How do I ask her for assistance in healing my pain when she is so hurt and overwhelmed herself??
I just..don't know what to do.

[Adam Bomb 1701]

Trust already has been broken. I would assume that she has been cheating and lying about it. She has made her own bed; now let her lie in it. Don't worry about her; take care of yourself. By the way, one of the definitive signs of cheating is when they deflect the blame to you. Pick up the pieces and move on. And, isn't emptying the contents of the house illegal where you live? It is in New Jersey, where I lived during my divorce (you're not allowed to sell any assets.) But, that didn't stop the ex from selling her engagement and wedding rings. Like they ever meant anything to her. Guess I never did either.

[venusledixieme]

I agreed with Adam partly. You should definatly worry about yourself. I know being married your supposed to worry about your spouse also. But if she did in fact cheat, she took a step out of your marriage. Just let her work things out for herself. If she decides that she's truely sorry for what she's done, and wants to try to make your marriage work. Then, you can try to figure out how she can keep from wandering, and how you can keep her attention. If she doesn't seem sorry, or even want to try.. you don't want to be with someone who wants someone else, babe. You'll be much happier without her.

<3

[Michas]

It's nice and also somewhat sad to see that you seem to care about her pain almost as much as you do your own. I think you need to bottom line this situation. The kind of contact she had with this man is inappropriate for a married woman...it would also be for a man in the reverse. She is married and lunch breaks and the like with a member of the opposite sex to the point that this other person writes love letters is just plain breaking the rules. Even at it's most innocent....if nothing happened...your wife should know better. Unfortunately....given the love letters and your wife's reaction to your probing...I think that it's likely something did happen. As tough as it can be....I know what you mean by feeling trapped.....she did wrong here. The awkwardness for her at work, with your family and hers is of her own doing. If she doesn't like it then perhaps she needs to change her behaviors and not be hanging around with other guys. You have every right to suspect her but I would hazard a guess that you will drive yourself nuts with your suspicions. And now that she knows you know she will just be that much more careful. Heads up.......you need to take care of you.