Here's the deal...

[Bueno]

My wife and I have been married for 4 years now...

We just bought a new house... no kids...

About a month ago, she started acted very strangely... speaking of Divorce and Separation alot.... Seemingly out of nowhere...


Then she began acting strangely... hiding in other rooms when talking on the phone.... quickly shutting off the computer or changing pages on screen when I walked by... Strange recepits and no accountability as to where she had been during the day... taking forever to return phone calls....

When I confronted her, she just said that I was being paranoid...

How it all started...


We were supposed to meet up with her and her cousin and his girlfriend for drinks one night... She confirmed with me that she was on her way and would be there in 15 minutes. I waited there with them for an hour and 45 minutes and she never showed... I called her several times and it would ring a few times and then click over to Voicemail... then it went directly to voicemail... Her phone was a piece of junk and on it's last leg so I didn't get too concerned... I was worried that her car broke down and she had no way to contact me to come get her... I drove straight home and she wasn't there... I went out looking for her worried she was in an accident or something and could not find her... I tried calling her friends and brother and they did not know where she was... Finally, I got a call from a strange phone number and it rang once... I called it back and it went straight to voicemail of a guy that we had met a few night earlier... he was a friend of her brothers... she then called me back from her phone and said that her phone was in her car... I asked her why this guy would call me when he didn't have my number and she said becasue she had called from his phone... She acted like nothing was wrong... I told her I was freaking out and she came home.... She was not apologetic and acted as if I was the bad person for thinking the worst... She never told me what she was doing and never told me about this guy who is just her "friend".

Vital facts... She lost her phone constantly and let the battery run down all the time... Her phone was a peice of junk... she refused to get one until November when t-mobile could cut her a good deal on one... she refused to get us unlimited text messaging and minutes to save money...

Well, her actions became more and more suspicious... She never left her phone and would complain when she couldn't find it... she would get text messages all the time where she had never gotten them before... She suddenly could not wait until November to get a phone and paid 300 bucks to get a new one right away... She also suddenly got unlimited text messaging and minutes... She kept her phone next to her all the time and would continuously check to see if she missed a call or a text message...

Also during that time, she would disappear during the day for long periods of time whereas she usually be home at work. (She's self-employed from home) I would call her and leave a message or text her and she would call back much later than normal...She would call me to find out when I left work or when I was leaving and would want know if I was staying late or coming home early... Sometimes I would come home and she would not be there and would drift in an hour later with a Starbucks coffe cup saying that she went to pick up a cup... I would ask her who she went with and she would say nobody, but the bank statement shows that instead of 3.50 it was 7 bucks... enough for two people... OR if she did answer her phone I would ask her what was up and she would be short and to the point... She wouldn't elaborate on what she was doing or who she was with... Even if I heard noise in the background like a restaurant, I would ask her where she was and she would say..."I'm at Subway"... I asked her what she was doing and she would say... "ordering a sandwich"... then of course, the one sandwich on the bank statement would show up as 15 bucks...

Then she would go CONSTANTLY through her messages on her computer and she started up an email account for herself... We ALWAYS shared everything... phone plans... bank accounts.... email address... etc... Now she would access this all the time and seemed to click off right as I walked into the room or change pages so I couldn't see anything she was doing...

One day, I was on the computer and she received an IM from the same phone number of the same guy... she had set it up so she could get Text messages from him on her computer when her phone was off or dead... the IM popped up and said... "I love you so much." She was downstairs... I told her about it and even showed it to her and she told me it was no big deal and got upset with me for "accusing her" then texted him right away... She said he had probably sent it by accident.

I started to look into deeper... she left her phone out one day and I went through it... and every TM in her log was from him and they were all filled with I love you's... I wish I could see you right now's, ... I miss you so much's, etc... Words that are not normally spoken between people who are "just friends". I confronted her and she was just angry that I had gone through her messages... After a few hours, she calmed down and said that it was nothing and I had nothing to worry about and that she was sorry. She said she would stop the flirty behavior and tell him that it was inapproriate. I was still livid... Now she deletes all of her messages right away... I located her phone when she wasn't looking 2 days ago and the messages are continuing... She is just better about deleting them and keeping her phone next to her... Last months bill showed she had over 200 text messages sent and 200 received... I only had 30 total...

She also left her email open by accident the other day and I found more of the same messages in her email account...


I came home early the other day and his car was in front of the house... I felt ill and moped in... I went straight to the bedroom and she came down the stairs in a panic and surprised... He stayed upstairs and she went up and told him he should go... then she got upset at me for coming home early and said I only did it to "catch her"...

I do feel like a heel for checking on her and going through her stuff, but I think it's completely justified given her actions and the circumstances... Each time I confront her with the evidence I've discovered, she gets more and more angry and it always leads to divorce talk... I feel as though I can't confront her with anything now and if I bring up concerns, it's either going to be futile or end with me sleeping on the couch... I feel these things need to be said and she needs to be called onto the carpet for them.

When we started out, we were untouchable... We were absolutely 100% the greatest couple on earth... Now it seems like it's all fallen apart and I don't know how to fix it without this problem going away... even then, we live in the same town as this guy and run in the same circles so I will always have reminders...


I personally don't think that there is a physical relationship going on between them, but of course, I can't be sure... I'm not 100% confident.

Even if it's just emotional infidelity, it still hurts and I feel as though it's too much for me to overcome... Am I being to rash and harsh? Am I justified in feeling this way?

If they are just friends then why does everything have to be so secretive? She accuses me of making it awkward and that's why she has to be with him when I'm not around and hide it from me... But it's her hiding everything that started all of this... it was her lying to me that made me suspicious...


I'm completely lost and I have no idea what to do...


Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

[Skirtchaser]

You said it all You are completly lost. Flush out your head, You feel ashamed for checking up on her? WTF If cheating and lying to you wasnt enough she violated the sanctuary of your home? You caught them in bed, sh.it just what do you think is proof of a physical relationship?
Shi.t where's your ba.lls man? Let them drop down in the nutsack and start taking up for yourself. Kick her as.s out. Jeez.
Most of the men who post here that came home and found another man in their house, I guarantee you the man wouldnt be walking out of the house. He might be running and bleeding out of the house. If it seems Im hammering you I am. If you don't take up for yourself noone else is. Get f.uckin real. :confused:

[HangingLow]

Bueno: You're in a tough spot, 4 years is not a long marriage, however, thats not the point. If I were you I'd sit her little ass down and ask her that, as the man of the house and your husband, this behaviour of yours is no longer going to occur, PERIOD! Tell her; if you wish to continue it, get your **** and get out. She is obviously having sex with this guy and at your expense. Call a realtor, slap a for sale sign in the front yard and tell her if she wants to continue this behaviour the house goes and so does she. Get a lawyer and start preparing for a new life without her. This will show her you mean business!

[Bueno]

You said it all You are completly lost. Flush out your head, You feel ashamed for checking up on her? WTF If cheating and lying to you wasnt enough she violated the sanctuary of your home? You caught them in bed, sh.it just what do you think is proof of a physical relationship?
Shi.t where's your ba.lls man? Let them drop down in the nutsack and start taking up for yourself. Kick her as.s out. Jeez.
Most of the men who post here that came home and found another man in their house, I guarantee you the man wouldnt be walking out of the house. He might be running and bleeding out of the house. If it seems Im hammering you I am. If you don't take up for yourself noone else is. Get f.uckin real. :confused:


I didn't catch them in the act... she had all of her clothes on and she was downstairs almost as soon as I walked through the door...

[HangingLow]

Then go find this guy in the presence of your wiffey and kick the sh.it out of him in front of her! Bingo, then dump the house and her. :eek:

[Skirtchaser]

This one's a no brainer, even someone like chelsea could'nt take up for this cheatin wh.ore. Sit her down and tell her if she continues???? He doesnt even need to talk to this s,lut. At least most of the cheaters have the ffn
courtesy to get a motel. Sheeeeeet.
Fellow your marriage is over, you can drag around and support her fornicating or get you a new life. Nothing else to discuss. Cut her a.ss loose. :cool:

[tomasingm]

Dont be a dumb ass. She is and has been f-u-c-k-ing him IN YOUR OWN HOME. Why didnt you go up stairs and kick his ass is beyond me, that is so disrespectful to you, and to youyr home. If she wasnt doing him then why did he have to go when you were not there???..... I mean if she was just friends he would hang out with you and her. You should have stomped his ass so bad. That is your house for god sakes man. She has been doing it to you for God knows how long and you have been letting her. You have forced your self of overcome several mental obstacles to give her "the benefit of the doubt" When there is nothing to bo doubted she has been cheating on you, and you have turned the other cheek. That is the bad news. The good news is that you do not have any kids and you get half of the house when you sell it. Divorce this hoe kick this guys ass, and her brothers for introducing them. (how much you wanna bet he knows, as well as everybody else.)

And always remember "You can't make a hoe a housewife." Good luck take care man, I wish you the best, but pelase smack your self into reality you are destroying your self over this blatant, immoral poor excuse for a ****.

[Skirtchaser]

I give up, Youth is wasted on some people. :cool:

[mrmaximum]

You have got to be freaking kidding me?? I can’t believe that you are defending this woman. The guys here are right. WTF? You had EVERY right to stomp up there and catch Sancho in your bedroom. You would have, that is a fact, and he would’ve given you a deer in headlights look for ‘catching him in the act.’ Tough love? Here it goes!! That absolute WITCH you call your wife got mad at you because she knows you WON’T stick up for yourself. SHE F@CKED UP AND SHE'S GETTING MAD AT YOU?? What else do you need, a sign? She’s laughing at you behind your back because the behavior you have displayed so far is ridiculous!! STAND UP FOR YOURSELF MAN!! You have EVERY right to rip a strip off of her. Tell her to shape up or ship out, her choice. Good grief man, if it smells like a duck, and looks like a duck…it AIN’T an ostrich, okay? I cannot believe that you are here asking if this is an affair. Jeez Louise, it is. MAN UP, show her that you WON’T take this crap anymore. Better than that, just leave, put up a for sale sign and then just move out. This woman will take advantage of you for as long as she can, IF YOU LET HER. You aren’t related to DennisMac are you? Both of you guys need to kick your freaking wives to the curb and stop justifying their actions and accepting their sh!t!!:mad: Would you keep a car that was constatntly giving you problems? Never works, something is always breaking? HELL NO, right?THEN WHY ARE YOU STAYING WITH THIS WOMAN?? All she is going to be is problems. Give her to sancho, he seems to want an overly used model, go get yourself a new one. Not saying that woman are cars, far from it, but I hope you get the picture!! For God's sake man up!!

[prex]

as a quick pick me up. Kick Both Their Aysses...If at all possible. They have abused you, raped you in the worst way. Don't you want to cause them pain? Let loose brother, just don't seriously injure or cause anyone deaths. ***** slap. Hard. Pretend their head is a handball. Then unload. Instant fear and respect will result. She's doing this to you because their are no negative consequences. Start handing out some heartache of your own.

But probably too little too late to be any good relationship wise. DOn't matter. No kids. Kick her disrespectful ayss. Grind her teeth on that shiny new cement sidewalk in front of your castle, the one you busted your ayss for so she could raise it high in the air for Don Juan to pound. In your house.

You know what to do.

[crissy]

Bueno,

All the signs point to her having an affair. Your totally justified in doing what you need to do to confirm it. Now ask yourself this ? If she is only having an emotional A verses physical, are you willing to try to save your marriage. Emotional A's are strang animals. There's more to them than sex, sometimes there's no sex, but the bond can be extremely close between them. If you believe it to be emotional, then you need to begin immediately to communicate with her and find out what emotional needs of hers aren't being met. That is if you want to save your relationship. Woman will only seek out an emotional A when they're not receiving the support they need at home. Could be something as simple as this guy building her self esteem. If it's just a physical A, it would be easier for her to end it and walk away. But physical affairs leave deeper scares on the busted spouses. Not only do you never trust again, but the triggers of them being with the OP can drive you mad. Your intamacy level will be torture, Don't blame yourself. It's something missing in her life, it's her responsibility to convey what her needs are to you. Your not a mind reader, so how can you fix it if you don't know what's broke. You'll want to know all the details if you plan to stay and work. If she admits the A and is willing to be completely honest, you may have a chance at saving your marriage. Won't be an easy road. Lots of choices facing you. Good luck

[Skirtchaser]

Her she goes again. I rest my case. The only thing missing in her life and yours is the next strange one. whew.

[elainegayla]

What your wife is saying to you is typical of a cheater.

They try to make you feel stupid, crazy and jealous. They make you feel YOU are what's wrong. They are completely innocent and you are an insane person for even questioning them.

You are not crazy. If only 1/2 of what you are telling us is accurate, you have every right to be asking questions and checking up on her.

I know as a woman/wife, if my husband started asking questions and I was faithful, I would be flattered (not mad).

Don't bother trying to talk to her about this. If she is having an affair, she will never tell you now. THey sometimes tell after the fact, but never admit it under questioning.

Hire a detective (or have a friend do it). Act normal and trusting. Once you have the facts, you can decide at that point what to do.

I'm so glad you came here. I wish I had when I had my first suspcions. Instead I bought into the line that my husband was feeding me...I'm crazy and a bad wife for even thinking such a thing...he cheated for 10 yrs.

Save yourself from wasted years and find out now. If she didn't cheat, she doesn't even need to know you ever checked. Its a healthy thing. You aren't a stalker. You are her husband. You have a right to know and her story is just not adding up.

[MuffinMan]

I came home early the other day and his car was in front of the house... I felt ill and moped in... I went straight to the bedroom and she came down the stairs in a panic and surprised... He stayed upstairs and she went up and told him he should go... then she got upset at me for coming home early and said I only did it to "catch her"...

You have GOT to be kidding me...she ACTUALLY said that INSTEAD of..."I am soooo sorry" or something like that.

This woman has no remorse.
So what did you do when the guy came downstairs?

I do feel like a heel for checking on her and going through her stuff, but I think it's completely justified given her actions and the circumstances...

You shouldn't feel like a heel...she gave you probable cause.

Each time I confront her with the evidence I've discovered, she gets more and more angry and it always leads to divorce talk...

Honestly, then thats what you should do. She has NO remorse and she is NOT sorry that she cheated. And she OBVIOUSLY does not love you.

Question is, do you have kids together? If so, I cannot give you advice on what to do...its a judgement call and everyone is different.

Am I being to rash and harsh? Am I justified in feeling this way?

You most certainly are justified in feeling this way...YOU are not being the one that is rash or harsh...SHE is for getting angry when SHE is the cheater.

I really feel for you man, I know your pain.

If they are just friends then why does everything have to be so secretive?

Because they are NOT JUST friends.

I'm completely lost and I have no idea what to do...


Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

Well like I said, if you have kids with this woman, I cannot really give you good advice, it is your call.

But if you do not have kids, get the divorce. This woman obviously does NOT love you, does not care about your feelings and is not remorseful nor sorry for what she has done.

If you do not have kids, just get a divorce and find a decent woman. They are out there and you can find one.

[MuffinMan]

I didn't catch them in the act... she had all of her clothes on and she was downstairs almost as soon as I walked through the door...

But you KNOW what they were doing.

[MuffinMan]

as a quick pick me up. Kick Both Their Aysses...If at all possible.

that is terrible advice..as much as we'd all like to kick the sh!t out of our betrayers. Not only will it drag him to a level he doesn't need to be at, it will give her power in a divorce.

[MuffinMan]

Woman will only seek out an emotional A when they're not receiving the support they need at home. Could be something as simple as this guy building her self esteem.

How did we know you'd say this?

Don't blame yourself.

Uh...you did it for him in what you posted above.

[MuffinMan]

Her she goes again. I rest my case. The only thing missing in her life and yours is the next strange one. whew.

Yup...Sorry Bueno...looks like it is your fault after all. You pig.
*Bueno..I hope you can spot sarcasm easily*

[crissy]

With every broken down marriage or relationship it wasn't done by one person. Marriage is hard, it's constant work. Husband puts in long hours at the office, wife is too busy with kids and house, break down continues and the h feels unwanted, unloved. His self esteem has taken huge blows, especially if wife has now started working and shes making a higher salary than her husband. Resentment sets in, he becomes jealous. Where does the wifes role play in this. SHe needs to communicate the feeling that Her H is still an important part of the the bread winners for their family. Find positive ways to build back his drive and ambition. His self esteem. Other wise he turns to a bar filled with woman looking for one nighters, or promotions if its a huge company and jumps at the first intern that bats her eyes. marriage could have been saved before it got to this point. Communication with you spouse is the only thing that will save your marriage. Start talking or someone will start walking. Tmop Black and white, Until black and white are on the same page the canvess is void. It takes two people to make a marriage work with lots of work.

[MuffinMan]

It takes two people to make a marriage work with lots of work.

Then why, if I alway showed her affection, always wanted her...always told her I loved her and ALWAYS set aside time did she stray?

Lemme guess...I didn't have a 17" d!ck or something superficial like that.

Its plain and simple...selfishness, wanting sex with different people and fickleness are the core.

It only takes one that can't handle committment to DESTROY the marriage.

[MuffinMan]

With every broken down marriage or relationship it wasn't done by one person.

In my case...yes, it WAS one person that broke the marriage.

[elainegayla]

It does take one to ruin/end a marriage.

No marriage is perfect. I didn't meet all my husbands needs and he didn't meet mine. I never thought he would meet all my needs. I loved him and accepted what I had was good enough. I communicated and always tried to make things better. I begged him to open up to me and tell me what he needed. For a lot of reasons, he couldn't/wouldn't do that. Was it selfish? Was it his upbringing? I don't know. A combination of both, probably. I accepted that.

It takes TWO to make a marriage work and only one to ruin it.

[MuffinMan]

It does take one to ruin/end a marriage.

No marriage is perfect. I didn't meet all my husbands needs and he didn't meet mine.

And that is when two people have to be mature enough to realize, that when you are with the same person forever, or try to be, it isn't going to be skyrockets and firecrackers forever. Things are NEVER as exciting than in the good old days.

The difference between people who don't cheat, and people who do is the cheaters are not mature enough to exercise restraint.


I never thought he would meet all my needs. I loved him and accepted what I had was good enough. I communicated and always tried to make things better. I begged him to open up to me and tell me what he needed. For a lot of reasons, he couldn't/wouldn't do that. Was it selfish? Was it his upbringing? I don't know. A combination of both, probably. I accepted that.

And thats all you can do. NOBODY will be everything to their partner. All you can do is try to make it better or at least good.


It takes TWO to make a marriage work and only one to ruin it.

Exactly right Elaine.

[SuckerFree]

If Bueno had a Father growing up I would be shocked. Wow, was that post even real? That is the weakest man I have ever seen. I'm depressed now. It's good to be caring, careful, pragmatic as a Man. But sometimes you gotta get mean. The almost unimaginable low level of respect his wife must have for him saddens me. I almost feel sorry for the wife.