addicted to having affairs??

[chezza2302]

well after reading the posts on here im probly going to be on the most wanted list....but im here so ill carry on.

i have been with my partner for 6 years i love him so much and still fancy him like the first time i met him, BUT have cheated so many times the first time was drink related and that was after 2 years together then after that i must of cheated at least 12 times, some one nighters and other short relationships, no one in the world knows this but myself and the people i have done the dirty with.

like i said before i love my partner so much and after iv done the dreadfull cheating i promise myself im not going to do it agin and then a few months later i find myself organising another meeting, i dont have sex with all the guys just maybe a few drinks and a kiss, but most of the time i have had sex with them.

it doesnt make me feel good or attractive it just makes me feel guilty and disgusted with myself but i end up doing it again. i want help with this if i have aproblem as i dont want to keep doing it. my partner is the one i love and want to be with forever, we dont have kids but i wnat them in the future!!
i have been very carefull and i always use protection.

is it me just being a ***** and wanting to do the dirty or is it i have a problem as i do try to stop but end up doing it again???

some of the men i have been with end up telling me they love me and want me to leave my partner, but i nevr do i nevr have true feelings for them and would never leave my partner for them, so i mess with their feelings and my own. im just so confused and am trying so hard to stop.

i know i am an awful person for doing this and dont deserve any advice, but any will be apreciated many thank x

[markus]

Your not going to make many friends on here with that post :rolleyes:


You have a problem that you need to get sorted out
Its a problem that can only be resolved internally ... and i dont mean by allowing strangers to put their c*ck inside you
Something has happened in your past that causes you to seek the attention you get from these men
You may not be conciously aware what that is but believe me your not going to resolve it the way your going - all your going to do is destroy your relationship/s
You need professional help with this serial cheating habit - dont bother with
general marriage councilling , they get paid to give you false hope - you need someone that can find the root cause of the problem and then remove this disgusting habit you have
Look for a hypnotherapist in your area , you could have this sorted in one or two sessions
If you really care about your partner like you say you do then you would do what it takes to stop this pattern

before you go .. have a look through the threads on here and see how much damage you will do to your partner if he finds out your doing this
Do you really want to selfishly continue doing something that could destroy his life ??

[Tomgirl]

I agree with Markus.

Why commit to someone when you like many d**ks. Just let him go and live your life single with no commitments. It's not abnormal nowadays for women to have booty calls or bed buddies.

There are plenty of single folks who just like to get there groove on and love has nothing to do with it. Just make sure you play the game safe.

If you really loved your mate you would let him go.

[MuffinMan]

i know i am an awful person for doing this and dont deserve any advice, but any will be apreciated many thank x


Well you got that right.

And no, you do not love this man. If you did you wouldn't spread your legs for other men.

Do your man a favor, tell your man what you did (because if you dont he will wonder why and still try to cling to you possibly) and end the relationship so he can find someone decent. Because you are definitely not. Let the nightclub men who only want one thing have you.

[confused]

Seriously.

Now.....if you had preyed (sp?) on MY BOYFRIEND? I would simply kick your friggin a-s-s. HOWEVER...since i dont' know you? I will give you advice.

First a question. Do any of these guys' have girlfriends too? How do you "hook up" with these guys'? Like...how can they tell you they love you and want you to leave YOUR husband....if you only met them last night? For the word LOVE to come out of a man's lips...you need to have a HELLUVA lot more than a "one night stand". So i'm to assume there are a couple you're carrying on with for longer than a one nighter?

Anyhow.....yes....you do have some deep rooted issues. You need some therapy......like Markus had mentioned....there's something happening from your past that is rising up in you and making you an outright w-h-o-r-e really. Nymphomaniac stuff.

[ChicagoTRS]

You should think about counseling...you surely have a problem. Some sort of sexual/affair addiction. You act like an addict...you do it and then feel guilty. Seek professional help.

BTW...where do you live...want to go out some night? just kidding...just kidding...lol...

[MuffinMan]

Ya...professional help for craving strange c0ck...then during this counseling she can nail the shrink.

[mrmaximum]

Well, I have to hand it to you, you got guts. I will try to keep this brief and I really don’t like adding more when I think that the others have pretty much covered everything, but this point needs to be driven home. Yes you need some sort of counseling, you already know that, but the more important thing is your innocent Husband who knows nothing about what is going on at all at this time!! You need to get counseling, alone. You need to ignore your feelings for him, (like you ignored his when you cheated multiple times) and let him go so he can find someone else while you go and get the help you need. DO NOT HIDE BEHIND THE EXCUSE THAT YOU LOVE HIM AND YOU CAN’T LET HIM GO, he needs someone that will not betray him and you are incapable of that for one reason or another right now. Tomgirl and Markus are absolutely right!! If you do love him, you will leave and get help!!!

[Skirtchaser]

She has C*ckitus. No cure. With as many that has slipped into her she should tell her partner and leave. At least give him a chance to have himself checked out medically. This will probably be the way he finds out. STD. Discovery, and if he is'nt out tomcatting, 1+1= a cheater. If he has no clue, He certainly deserves better than you. Give him a chance at something better. Just think of how financially secure you would be if you had charged those C.ocks. Wow you could really afford to pay for some help. :p

[MuffinMan]

She has C*ckitus. No cure. With as many that has slipped into her she should tell her partner and leave. At least give him a chance to have himself checked out medically. This will probably be the way he finds out. STD.

I would never lay a hand on my wife even though she cheated...but if I found out she gave me HIV or some terminal sh!t like that...I'd pack my sons up, send them to my parents house, then probably shoot her a$$.

[markus]

It makes you wonder if the cheats that post on here have any interest in returning to read these replies or just using the site to release some guilt untill the next c*ck turns up ?

[crissy]

I hear this story and I am blown away by it. I don't understand how someone can continue to risk so much by being so damn stupid. I would bet and say that this poster is not an ugly woman, not a supermodel either, but Is average and feels very low self esteem. Probably raised with an alcoholic father, disconnected father, or no father figure at all. She craves the attention of men, to justify her self value. It's the act that takes place with the strange men that cut her back down to the bottom of the barrel. They wipe out any ounce of self esteem she may have had. She likes the thrill of the chase, over coming stacked odds to reach and win the affection of a man she may have only made eye contact to. The truth is she's looking for mister right in every single one of these encounter, but the truth is that keeps evading her. She tends to choose men that are all exactly alike in many ways whether it's the bad boy look, cotrolling freak, or excessively in love with himself loser. Until she realizes there's another who food group out there called the Nice guy, committed man, and friend. SHe will stll live an emotionaless wreck good luck pulling your life back together

[chezza2302]

thank you for most of your advice, others i have to ask is this a site you use so you can write nasty replys to poeple who feel they have problems because in the real world no one would listen to you, or is it that you dont have to guts to say it to people you have to write nothing but nasty comments??? i wont use or even read the replys to this so all of you may use your time to write nasty comments if thats what you find enjoyable..... to some of the people who were upset by what i wrote but still gave advice, i would like you to know that every time i have cheated i have always used protection infact more than one method of protection!! also the men i have cheated with have always been single.

since reading your replies i agree with alot of the things you had wrote and have ended my relationship with my partner it has not been a happy experience but i agree i didnt deserve one. i am sure i have hurt my husband terribly and i will have to live with that, it make me sick to think what i have done, but i have taken the first right step in a way and ended my relationship with whom i did love very much but knew he deseved better. yes you can copy and paste that if you want ....

i feel i was treated badly on this site and i came for help and avice i wasnt expecting praise of any sort but i went away feeling bullied in some way, i have read a few posts on this site about a man who had a 3 some behind his wifes back and like me felt terrible, the replys he recived were much kinder than mine infact a lot of the replies said if she threw herself at you like you say, not many men could turn that down unless you are gay which he wasnt.

is it a case of one rule for men and another rule for women??

thanks for most of your advice and get a life to the others. i wont use this site again so i wont read your replies. but have a happy life to anyone who does read this x

[MuffinMan]

thank you for most of your advice, others i have to ask is this a site you use so you can write nasty replys to poeple who feel they have problems because in the real world no one would listen to you, or is it that you dont have to guts to say it to people you have to write nothing but nasty comments???

Nope..if anything, my experiences made me more vocal in real life. My friend who was not yet married, but engaged to this girl, had me over one night because of what she had done. Now I know this guy, and he is just like me...wouldn't cheat, was absolutely head over heels in love with this girl. I sat there all night talking to him..watching him cry. Then she comes home..and instead of seeing him crying and talking to him...she chastises him for getting me involved.
Boy I let her have it right then and there, I stood up and said, "listen b!tch" and proceeded to tell her that I refuse to let him mess up his life by staying with a cheater. So I told her I am taking him out for a few drinks and when he gets back, he will no longer want you. She tried to stop us and my friend wised up and pulled his arm away from her and said, "what the hell do you care what I do now?"


i wont use or even read the replys to this so all of you may use your time to write nasty comments if thats what you find enjoyable

Oh we expected that much from you. You wanted to come in here and justify what you did. And nasty comments are sometimes what people like you need to hear to get a good kick in the a$$ and do the right thing. Obviously if you aren't lying, you DID take our advice and save this poor guy from making a bigger mistake on down the road.

But the fact that you don't want ANY criticism shows that you weren't worthy of any help or advice in the first place.


..... to some of the people who were upset by what i wrote but still gave advice, i would like you to know that every time i have cheated i have always used protection infact more than one method of protection!!

A condom is the only thing you can use, other than wrapping your entire body with celophane, that will prevent a disease...and even then, you don't think bodily fluids escape from the rim of those condoms? Condoms HELP prevent the spread of STD's, they don't completely stop the risk.

also the men i have cheated with have always been single.

And this make it all better?

since reading your replies i agree with alot of the things you had wrote and have ended my relationship with my partner it has not been a happy experience but i agree i didnt deserve one.

Then you took the wrong advice....the better advice would be to leave your husband because he doesn't deserve to be with a wh0re like you.


i am sure i have hurt my husband terribly and i will have to live with that, it make me sick to think what i have done, but i have taken the first right step in a way and ended my relationship with whom i did love very much but knew he deseved better. yes you can copy and paste that if you want ....


Whoa?....Husband? all you said was "partner", you NEVER referred to him as your husband. That right there tells me you don't love him. You ended the relationship with your husband? Because that is the only person you should be "loving"....if you meant that you ended the relationship with the part-time pen!s and that you loved THIS man...then you haven't learned a damn thing here or anywhere.

i feel i was treated badly on this site and i came for help and avice i wasnt expecting praise of any sort but i went away feeling bullied in some way

Let me get this straight...you ruin your husbands life pretty much, betray him...lord knows what runs through his mind knowing his wife had other men's d!cks pumping in and out of you....but YOU can't take a little bullying. am I missing something here? You create devestation to someone elses heart and feelings, but you can't take a little heat? oh my, you truly are worthless.
You felt treated badly on this site? Too bad...your husband was treated much worse than what little you had to put up with here.


, i have read a few posts on this site about a man who had a 3 some behind his wifes back and like me felt terrible, the replys he recived were much kinder than mine infact a lot of the replies said if she threw herself at you like you say, not many men could turn that down unless you are gay which he wasnt.

I didn't read that one and if I had, I'd be giving that man even more hell than what you got here.


case of one rule for men and another rule for women??

Not at all. It is a case of the men that have been cheated on tend to give the betrayed man advice and vice versa for the women.


thanks for most of your advice and get a life to the others. i wont use this site again so i wont read your replies.

Good, the last thing people in here that have been cheated on need is people like you reminding us of just how lousy people like you can be.

but have a happy life to anyone who does read this x

Hard to have a happy life with people like you breathing the same air.

"Unreasonable people make life so difficult"

[Jerry]

Just tell the guy that your not committing to him and that he needs to decide if he is going to stay with you or not. He should go find another partner that wants to commit to a relationship that will last. Everyone is differant and has differant needs and it sounds like yours and his are far apart. Do him a big favor and dump him now before you do more damage.

You like sex with differant men and need the lift that having sex or making out with new men. A lot of people are living that lifestyle today and society hardly notices. But bear in mind that you run a high risk of getting something (like aids or herpes) that can damage someone you care about-mainly yourself.
Get some help and find out why you constantly want the attention of new/differant men. Some women have been sexually abused when they were children and it has hung in their sub-conscious causing them to re--enact thae same traumatic experience repeatidly.
Don't take the risk of passing on the nasty stuff to other people - get some psychiatric help and see if you can't at least narrow down the umber of partners that you can manage with.
I'm looking for a new "****" buddy and am making every effort to avoid women like you - because you don't care about anybody right now, not even yourself.

[elainegayla]

...I see is that no one wants to judge anyone anymore. Its not WRONG to cheat...its WRONG to JUDGE.

The cheaters are not outcasts. They do not lose friends. They do not lose the respect of their families. No one shames them. No one calls them wh@res or names. My husband confessed to priests several times over a 10 year period and they never took the time to say "WTF. Go for counseling etc etc".
Just "say 10 Hail Mary's".

My husband did not lose one friend. His CATHOLIC church-going hypocritical family said crap to him and nothing to me. They weren't even embaressed they raised such a loser.

We have as society been shamed into not judging people's bad behavior and this is what we get.

I, for one, will NEVER be friends with someone I know cheated. I will kick my kids butts if they cheat on their spouses!

And I will not talk to these cheaters coming to this site to get sympathy or understanding.

[MuffinMan]

...I see is that no one wants to judge anyone anymore. Its not WRONG to cheat...its WRONG to JUDGE.
cheezers mindset alright

The cheaters are not outcasts. They do not lose friends.

I wouldn't say that, I know a few that lost friends because they cheated on their partner who was ALSO their friend.

They do not lose the respect of their families. No one shames them. No one calls them wh@res or names.

You don't live where I live....LOL.

I, for one, will NEVER be friends with someone I know cheated. I will kick my kids butts if they cheat on their spouses!

Same here sister!!!

And I will not talk to these cheaters coming to this site to get sympathy or understanding.

Oh I sure the hell will!! LOL.

They will get an earfull. I mean really, I see this site as a place for people who have been betrayed to get advice...I am not too interested, as one of the betrayed, in giving advice to wh0res like this woman, or pigs like the men who come here trying to unload some guilt.

[Skirtchaser]

No sympathy here, You came here chezza, if what you heard was cold and hard, that is what you deserved to hear. There are not 2 sets of rules here. A cheater is a cheater man or woman and if you took time to look back through some past posts you would see this. Noone is going to feel sorry for you. So you got your feelings hurt here, what did your partner get? My sympathies are with him. You did something morally disgusting. You did have the guts to let him go, I will give you that. I pity the next one as well. :p

[jeanettepat2]

I have read every post after Chezza posted her acting out with other men. I am a survivor of sexual abuse. As I read these I thought how insensitive most of the post were. Do any of you know Chezza past. Do any of you know the hell she might have gone thru. I too did serial affairs. Only after I was in therapy did I realize that all the acting out, the affairs was about my past and being sexually abused. Don't know if that is Chezza history, but I think her honesty was courageous. What she does not need is someone being insensitive to her post, without really knowing the whole story. I have gone thru hell and back dealing with being abused as a child. I understand my desparate need to be loved by other men, and using sex to get that love.
Mabye what I have written to this forum might just be the reason Chezza has done what she did. To judge without knowing the WHOLE story I think sucks.
Jeanette

[Skirtchaser]

ahh at the risk of running you off with just one post.

Jeanette, You read chezza's posts and you know her whole story?
You know the story of the people who posted to her?
Sounds like you are judging them, without knowing their whole story.
This chat room is for people Who Have Been Cheated On. THey come here to vent their anger, talk about their hurt, and they move on to trying to give advice to others going thru the same thing.
I came here to help them, I do that for a living in the real world. I'm not here to get over a cheater, I advise people on what I have dealt with over 18 years.
You say you cheated because of something that happened to you in the past.
Bet a counselor or therapist taught you that one. If this was true, then every child molester could stand up in court and be released. ( a good rope and an oak tree would stop it.) Will they do it again.
The past teaches us yes. It's right or wrong. Bottom line is the dishonesty in people tempt them to do the wrong things. They have a choice.
ElaineGayla posted in this thread. Go back and read her posts on here. She is a strong, good person. She gives good advice. Read all of hers then start a new thread and talk about it.
Until a black heart truly realizes what they have done to another, and faces the real reason why, that heart will never beat true blue again.
Choices, dishonesty, lies, lust, selfishness, these are the reasons people cheat. Don't hide behind the curtain of the past. :cool:

[Jerry]

I agree with Markus.

Why commit to someone when you like many d**ks. Just let him go and live your life single with no commitments. It's not abnormal nowadays for women to have booty calls or bed buddies.

There are plenty of single folks who just like to get there groove on and love has nothing to do with it. Just make sure you play the game safe.

If you really loved your mate you would let him go.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++You remind me of the hippies in the sixties - they would say "Make love, not war" and did just that. No commitments to anyone let alone think about marraige. I thought it was a great way for guys to get laid with very little effort or commiting to a coplicated relationship.
Your not necessarily a bad person, you just aren't ready for a commitment, maybe you never will be. Let the guy go - tell him exactly why and don't let him get sticky because if you have nay love for him, you will let him go.
Forget the councelors and theapist, they need more help than most people themselves. They know how to bill/invoice your insurance and hold you to your session schedule very well with the purpose of making the maximum amount of $$$ that they can from your supposed problem.
Just live by yourself and stop feeling guilty-stop judging yourself and concentrate on finding a purpose in life that will indulge your energy and get your mind off of having affairs all the time. Also find new places to hang out that are not "meat markets" such as bars and discos.

[jeanettepat2]

Choices, dishonesty, lies, lust, selfishness, these are the reasons people cheat. Don't hide behind the curtain of the past.
Skirtchaser, you mentioned all these reasons for cheating. Well, I know there are many more. I am not condoning cheating. It does hurt, it hurt my husband, that is why we are now in counseling to heal the hurt in our marriage. I realized for me personally, I had an online affair because my husband was not there for me. My mother in law verbally abused me in the first 2 years of living with her. I hurt deeply, since I had endured a really abusive childhood. My husband did not stand up for me, and I was ready to leave. In comes a guy on a chat room, that did in fact comfort me, care for me, love me. Yes, it was online, but it sure felt good to get some comfort. Did I want to fall in love with him, no. It made me sick to my stomach to realize just once again, I "fell in love". I did not tell my husband because I did not want to hurt him. But in fact my being in this affair, hurt me even more. It ate away at all I believed in. Since sexual abuse survivors act out of the "sneakiness of being abused, that is what I did. I acted out each and every time. I can now forgive myself for what I did, and my husband has forgiven me and we are working at being whole, the both of us as a married couple. When I read the post, yes, I did feel an insensitivity. Am I judging, no, I am expressing what I felt. It might not be the expression of others on this forum, and I respect the right of all on this group to disagree with me. I am strong enough to take whatever criticism I hear. What I say to those tho, who truly do not understand is walk in my shoes. No I do not know the life story of Chezza, what I do feel is who are any of us to judge another person. It could happen to you. When my husband found out about the online affair, his first thought was to have an affair himself. He did not but that was his first thought. Sorry to hear that Chezza did not stay with her husband. She might have found out the truth about herself and gotten the help she truly needed. The addiction to other men, I have been there, done that, and got the membership. Am now about to heal and empower myself and love myself and in so doing I can love others, my husband in a new way.
jeanette

[elainegayla]

JANNEATTEPAT2,

Many of us have bad/hurtful pasts. I was sexually abused, I had a family life that was hurtful...did I turn around and cheat on my husband? Did I abuse my children? No.

So, I guess you are one of those people that would say its okay a man rapes and murders a three year old because he grew up poor and abused?

Somehow, I doubt you would care about the PAST if you were the victim.

If you have such deep problems and feel its justifiable to take those problems out on innocent people that have nothing to do with it, you DEAD WRONG.

Do you care that the people abused you probably had it tough? Does that make you feel better? Did you think "okay, bring it on. I'm willing to sacrifice my safety and happiness so you can work out your anger with your abuser?"


Why aren't you on some site justifying your mother-in-laws "abuse"? Seems to me you weren't all that happy taking her abuse. You just turned it around and past the abuse and hurt to your husband. You don't justify her actions...oh...i guess thats different...b/c you are the victim.

You are SELFISH. Only thinking of your hurt.

Sorry, the story behind her cheating doesn't matter. As adults we are responsible for our actions PERIOD.

[MuffinMan]

I have read every post after Chezza posted her acting out with other men. I am a survivor of sexual abuse. As I read these I thought how insensitive most of the post were. Do any of you know Chezza past.

Nope...don't know..and don't care. You don't have to have a rotten past to be a cheater. My wife is a prime example.

And I have been cheated on numerous times in my past...so you'd think I'd be a cheater by now or a wife beater because of it if one follows your logic.


Do any of you know the hell she might have gone thru. I too did serial affairs. Only after I was in therapy did I realize that all the acting out, the affairs was about my past and being sexually abused. Don't know if that is Chezza history, but I think her honesty was courageous.

Like the honesty of going behind her bf's back?


What she does not need is someone being insensitive to her post, without really knowing the whole story.

Then she should tell us the whole story if there is one.

And last I checked, the title of this forum is "Detecting Infidelity" and "Preventing Infidelity", not "Making Excuses for Infidelity" or "Justifying Infidelity"

People who come here are looking for support from people like you and Chezza. If you were truly sexually abused, I am truly sorry.
But people who have been wronged by cheaters don't want to hear excuses.


I have gone thru hell and back dealing with being abused as a child. I understand my desparate need to be loved by other men, and using sex to get that love.
Mabye what I have written to this forum might just be the reason Chezza has done what she did. To judge without knowing the WHOLE story I think sucks.
Jeanette

So basically the people in your lives have to put up with your cheating because of your past? And no matter what your past, if you need sex and love from a variety of different men, then DO NOT extract a committment out of a man that truly wants one. Do them a favor and leave them alone.

[MuffinMan]

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++You remind me of the hippies in the sixties - they would say "Make love, not war" and did just that. No commitments to anyone let alone think about marraige. I thought it was a great way for guys to get laid with very little effort or commiting to a coplicated relationship.
Your not necessarily a bad person,

She is not a bad person for wanting to sleep around I guess...but she IS a bad person for sleeping around while committed to someone else. She IS a bad person for causing heartache and pain.

[MuffinMan]

Choices, dishonesty, lies, lust, selfishness, these are the reasons people cheat. Don't hide behind the curtain of the past.


Am I missing something here? You posted about her possibly having an abusive past and not to judge her, then come back with this? Does the word "contradiction" mean anything to you?

Make up your mind.


Skirtchaser, you mentioned all these reasons for cheating. Well, I know there are many more. I am not condoning cheating.

Nah...you are just assuming that cheaters have a bad history and should be given slack.


It does hurt, it hurt my husband, that is why we are now in counseling to heal the hurt in our marriage.

What good is counseling going to do? What is there to heal? You already stated, and I am sorry for this if it is true, that you were abused as a child.
If so, and this is your reason for wanting to sleep with different men all the time, then thats the way it is. Counseling is not going to change that.

So basically your husband just has to put up with it if he decides to stay.


I realized for me personally, I had an online affair because my husband was not there for me.

Oh here we go.


No I do not know the life story of Chezza, what I do feel is who are any of us to judge another person.

As people who are sick and tired of cheaters and being cheated on, we will judge whatever cheater comes in here and tries to unload guilt or justify their cheating.

It could happen to you. When my husband found out about the online affair, his first thought was to have an affair himself. He did not but that was his first thought.

That was my first thought, although I knew I wouldn't do it...why? ...because I have respect for myself and responsibility to my children. I have never cheated and the fact that I have been cheated on many times will not change who I am with the exception that I will not be played for a fool ever again.
I am a man, and I will conduct myself accordingly. So no, it can't and won't happen to me. It only happens to those with a weak constitution and a lack of any love and compassion for those that they end up hurting.


Sorry to hear that Chezza did not stay with her husband.

Why are you sorry? She did this man a favor. She actually did the right thing if in fact she left him because it was the right thing to do.

She might have found out the truth about herself and gotten the help she truly needed. The addiction to other men, I have been there, done that, and got the membership. Am now about to heal and empower myself and love myself and in so doing I can love others, my husband in a new way.
jeanette

I truly hope you can Jeanette....but don't be surprised if your husbands feeling towards you change from here on out. The damage has been done and not all the pain can be taken away.

[Jerry]

Your right - I need to take that statement back!! Sorry.
She's obviousely self centered and thinks she needs constant self-gratification. But she does feel guilty about it which means she needs the guy for something but she's willing to risk everything by screwing other men. Blows my mind - I don't know how people get this relationship stuff all screwed up - I think they watch too much BS on TV and don't understand that that's not the real world.

[Skirtchaser]

Well put Elaine and Muffin,
I gave the reasons people cheat, not justifications.
There is no justification in cheating on your partner.
You say you and him are going to counseling to help with his hurt??
That hurt may be with him for a long time.
You are the one who opened her legs to someone else. You caused him the hurt, and you want to justify yourself by taking up for chezza. And you said you did it online, I'll bet you did it in person and just have not told your partner the whole truth. If you havent you will do it soon. You are really one cold fish, cept when it comes to strange co.cks.

[MuffinMan]

Well put Elaine and Muffin,
I gave the reasons people cheat, not justifications.
There is no justification in cheating on your partner.

Without a doubt. If I followed her logic, I'd be a serial cheater and a wife beater for all the sh!t I have had to put up with.

You say you and him are going to counseling to help with his hurt??
That hurt may be with him for a long time.

Possibly for good.

You are the one who opened her legs to someone else. You caused him the hurt, and you want to justify yourself by taking up for chezza. And you said you did it online, I'll bet you did it in person and just have not told your partner the whole truth.

I believe she said it did eventually lead to 2 real life affairs.

[elainegayla]

Its funny when we give them the truth, they run for the hills. If they truly were sorry they would be on here reading and agreeing.

If they can justify their actions now...they are leaving the door open for future cheating.

Anyway, who cares if they are "sorry"? How would that change anything?

People can still be married after cheating, but the its forever changed for the one that has been cheated on. I for one, am not committed as I used to. I figure, no matter what I do I'll never be perfect and therefore he will always have a "reason" (justification) for cheating. The effort I put into my marriage is about 0.0000000000000000001% of the effort I put into my marriage pre discovery day. What's the point? I already did my best and was cheated on...why try?

Thats why I tell people (woman), learn who you are and be happy being you. Take yourself back. At least we can respect ourselves. Why try to please the unplease-able? Even if we could be PERFECT, they have childhood experiences in their back pocket to justify cheating. Its a no-win for us.

[Skirtchaser]

Elaine, I'll bet your closer to perfect than you will admit. Your partner will realize this in the end. You give good advice here keep posting, you are helping peeps. :)

[MuffinMan]

Why try to please the unplease-able? Even if we could be PERFECT, they have childhood experiences in their back pocket to justify cheating. Its a no-win for us.

Basically they use their experiences as an excuse, and make those experiences their loving, committed partners problems now too.

I guess I don't get it. Most people I have read about that were sexually abused LOATH sex. So why if sex is dirty and a hurtful memory would you want to go have sex with several different people??

I never bought this as any kind of explanation.

[elainegayla]

Thanks, Skirtchaser.

But seriously, I do own up to my part in this. I actually was raised and believed that by being a good person, people would treat me with respect and kindness. I had no idea that a marriage could be a nightmare even if I did what I was "suppose" to do. It takes a huge ego to believe that.

Woman get bombarded in magazines with articles about how to please your man, keep him faithful etc. Plus our mothers telling us how important it is to cater to your husband. It suggests a control that we just don't have. I was so stupid to believe that, so wrong.

What I did was give him a springboard. Why not cheat? If I can have this one dancing to please me, why can't have a few more? More is better, right?


I can't believe I was stupid enough to tell him how important it was to me to have my family together!!!


I really didn't have a clue how men think. I really had no clue how to make a marriage work for ME. I only knew how to be good to him.

[elainegayla]

If anyone read my post about my husband cheating while I was cleaning up puke and taking care of sick kids etc. (see He is getting married Jan 2007...)
I got to tell you this. I'm still smiling.

Yesterday I was throwing up. I felt very sick. We had planned a big surprise for my daughters 11 birthday. We were going to drive a hour away,eat at a fancy restaurant and take her to see the CHeetah Girls concert. I really wanted to be with my daughter for this big surprise, so I went. We had a great time. She was thrilled.

Anyway, we got home at 11:00. All went to bed. I was really tired and still not feeling well. At 2:00 am my one dughter threw up all over her room and a little in the hall (running to the bathroom). Sound familiar? I had to fight to keep my butt in bed but I let my husband take care of it all. It wasn't exactly the same (he wasn't trying to breast feed, didn't have a crying baby, we now have a carpet cleaner that made clean-up easier, and I didn't have another man'd C.O.C.K in me) but its was such karma. I felt so evil but I've been smiling all day.

[MuffinMan]

If anyone read my post about my husband cheating while I was cleaning up puke and taking care of sick kids etc. (see He is getting married Jan 2007...)
I got to tell you this. I'm still smiling.

Yesterday I was throwing up. I felt very sick. We had planned a big surprise for my daughters 11 birthday. We were going to drive a hour away,eat at a fancy restaurant and take her to see the CHeetah Girls concert. I really wanted to be with my daughter for this big surprise, so I went. We had a great time. She was thrilled.

Anyway, we got home at 11:00. All went to bed. I was really tired and still not feeling well. At 2:00 am my one dughter threw up all over her room and a little in the hall (running to the bathroom). Sound familiar? I had to fight to keep my butt in bed but I let my husband take care of it all. It wasn't exactly the same (he wasn't trying to breast feed, didn't have a crying baby, we now have a carpet cleaner that made clean-up easier, and I didn't have another man'd C.O.C.K in me) but its was such karma. I felt so evil but I've been smiling all day.

You should be smiling...that is sweet justice.

I do all the cleaning of puke and whatnot at my house because my wife is lazy.

[jeanettepat2]

I knew I would get a barage of hate responses to my post. I am okay with that. I am okay with everyone here being really pissed that they were victimized by their cheating wives. I get that!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If my husband cheated on my, I know I would feel that same way, pissed off and hurt. What I am really grateful for with my husband at this time is HE IS UNDERSTANDING. He and I are working at really making our relationship the best it can be.

I read this one line in your post and realize how absurd that comment was.

So, I guess you are one of those people that would say its okay a man rapes and murders a three year old because he grew up poor and abused?

Now that is really taking what I said out of context. I have a great deal of empathy for anyone who was abused sexually as a child. I have become an advocate and activist for others who are hurting because of their childhoods.

I was and am a good mother to my son. I have never abused him as I was abused. I broke the chain of abuse when I got into therapy. When I got into therapy I was a broken person. Hated myself, thought suicide twice. Only after years of therapy did I realize I was not the one to hate, it was my abusers.

Having said that, I realized that I was so desparate for love, and my husband was not always SO loving. He was not physically abusive but he was verbally abusive, something I never was to him. As I lived here with my mother in law I realized that yes, he was more interested in keeping the peace with his mom and I was just the other woman in the house.

And no, I never met the guy online. I had an emotional affair with him. My husand knows of the other affairs I had, and since he was the one who suggested swinging in our marriage, maybe that did not help. I already had a love addiction to other men, and the swinging sure in hell did not help matters.

I do think anyone on this forum might do well to look at their part in the reason their significant others have affairs. Affairs are not about just going out and having sex, oftentimes there are deeper reasons for the affair. Maybe to fill a need that is not in the marriage. It does take 2 in a marriage to cause it to be bad or good. I will not take all the fault for how it turned out. Like I told my husband, if he was unhappy in the marriage, that was his chance to tell me. He did not tell me, he kept most things to himself and did not share and be honest, brutally honest about what he was feeling. We are now doing just that. We are telling each other what we need, what we desire, what hurts the both of us. Again, I am not nor will I ever justify an affair. I OWN WHAT I DID AND HOW I MADE MY HUSBAND FEEL. I OWN ALL OF IT!!!!!!! I am not proud of what I have done in my marriage, but I now have the awareness and will do everything to change my behaviors.

What I will not do here is beat myself up for what happened to me as a child. You can all do that, I am stronger than any pissed off responses I get here. I know my own truth, I know my own story, which was one of never feeling loved, only despised and beaten and my spirit broken many times over by my abusers.

So please feel free to respond in anyway you choose to respond. I read at the beginning of this forum that I would not be given praise for what I did. I can accept that. One thing I am doing is growing thru this, and in so doing, by going to therapy, I will understand me more and understand why I needed to act out of my childhood.

[elainegayla]

I never blame the victim. I was victimized. I just didn't use my victimization to victimize my husband.

You are going to therapy and owing what you did. Great. Why didn't you do that BEFORE you cheated?

I too begged my husband to tell me what was wrong. He didn't. It was EASIER for him to cheat then work things out with me. I didn't cheat. I was right in the same spot you were. I just loved him too much to do that to him. Loved my family too much. Loved them more then my need for "love" in the form I felt entitled to.

Your husband found it easier to side with his mom because he grew up victim to her verbal abuse. He was scared of her. As a victim advocate you should have realized that. But your need to feel love was more important. You were selfish.

I think all of us don't understand when someone has cheated comes on here and says they own it and have not excuses and then go on to tell WHY they cheated. It looks to us as excuses.

[MuffinMan]

If my husband cheated on my, I know I would feel that same way, pissed off and hurt. What I am really grateful for with my husband at this time is HE IS UNDERSTANDING. He and I are working at really making our relationship the best it can be.

Question, are you still cheating on him?

I have a great deal of empathy for anyone who was abused sexually as a child. I have become an advocate and activist for others who are hurting because of their childhoods.

So do I, but I don't think it is any excuse for cheating once your an adult.

I was and am a good mother to my son.

I'm sure on the surface you are. But it was a question I asked my wife..."how could you do this to me, more importantly, how could you do this to our kids?"


I have never abused him as I was abused. I broke the chain of abuse when I got into therapy. When I got into therapy I was a broken person. Hated myself, thought suicide twice. Only after years of therapy did I realize I was not the one to hate, it was my abusers.

Having said that, I realized that I was so desparate for love, and my husband was not always SO loving.


So basically it is his fault. He has to give you love every minute of everday that you are together, or you will go out and cheat on him?

And no, I never met the guy online. I had an emotional affair with him. My husand knows of the other affairs I had, and since he was the one who suggested swinging in our marriage, maybe that did not help. I already had a love addiction to other men, and the swinging sure in hell did not help matters.


Well god damn, you never mentioned that before. So here it is in a nutshell. If he likes swinging, he has no business getting mad at you over an affair.
You both should just go out and have sex with whomever you want.

I do think anyone on this forum might do well to look at their part in the reason their significant others have affairs.

Here we go again, blaming the victim. I NEVER neglected my wife, in fact, it was the opposite...I couldn't get enough of her. Always stayed fit and attractive, always showered her with affection....I did everything I could to make her happy and she was happy.

So why did she cheat? Simple...she, like most other cheaters, are fickle. They can't stand the idea of only being able to have sex with one partner for the rest of their life. They like the variety.

So THIS is what gets people's blood boiling in here...people like you trying to put the blame on the betrayed spouse/partner.

Maybe there are reasons in your marriage that both parties are responsible...your husband and his worthless desire to swing, and your unsatisfiable need for love from other men. You two are made for each other.

For the rest of us, don't project your need to justify your cheating based on what your husband did.

Affairs are not about just going out and having sex, oftentimes there are deeper reasons for the affair. Maybe to fill a need that is not in the marriage.

Yes...like the fact that the betrayed husband/wife is the same old face and body that the cheater has had for years and just wants a new face and body to screw.

It does take 2 in a marriage to cause it to be bad or good.

But it only takes one of the individuals to be so worthless as to be the one to break the wedding vows.

By your logic, I would be justified in going out and bedding down every woman I can.

But I don't...why? Because I am a man. I refuse to become what I despise and most importantly, I am not a cheater and never will be. I am better than that. You see...I took MY wedding vows seriously.

I will not take all the fault for how it turned out.

When a marriage has problems, yes, it takes two. But it only takes one to break the vows and cheat.
But I digress in your situation, your husband suggested swinging. And you want love from other men. So BOTH of you have NO business being married.

Marriage just must be a f#cking joke to you people. Marriage is not for the weak, the selfish, or the insecure.

Again, I am not nor will I ever justify an affair.

Could have fooled us with what you have been posting.


I OWN WHAT I DID AND HOW I MADE MY HUSBAND FEEL. I OWN ALL OF IT!!!!!!! I am not proud of what I have done in my marriage, but I now have the awareness and will do everything to change my behaviors.

Actually, after you told more of your story...what do you really care how he feels and why does he feel betrayed? Come on...are you kidding me????

He wanted to swing...meaning, he wanted to f#ck other women...and since you want to f#ck other men...I figured that'd be just hunky dory with you.

So let me get this straight, he suggests an arrangement that allows him to f#ck other women, then is hurt when you do it?

What I will not do here is beat myself up for what happened to me as a child. You can all do that, I am stronger than any pissed off responses I get here.

Nobody is beating you up over that...show me that anyone has, and I'll set them straight. If my kids were sexually abused by anyone, I'd kill them.

The angry responses you got were from trying to justify your cheating on you husband....but after what you posted here today about the swinging shiit...aye yi yi....why does he care that you cheated...he wanted to as well.

[MuffinMan]

So please feel free to respond in anyway you choose to respond. I read at the beginning of this forum that I would not be given praise for what I did. I can accept that. One thing I am doing is growing thru this, and in so doing, by going to therapy, I will understand me more and understand why I needed to act out of my childhood.

Ok...then here is an honest question for you that I am curious about.

If you feel the need to get love from other men, how did you feel when your husband suggested swinging?

[elainegayla]

Ok be honest. Isn't part of the anger toward the cheater because they went out and did stuff (sex, relationship, fun, going out) and we sat here like dopes knitting on the couch?

I know thats a lot of the reason why I ended up having an affair. I was more than willing to stay home and do nothing, be a good wifey, saving my pennies but once I found out he was out getting drunk (money), paying for sex (money), having sex (when I was getting none), I felt so robbed! I was willing to sacrifice for the good of the marriage but hell all my sacrifices he went and spent!

I actually taught myself to knit to give myself something to do when I thought he was out working. What a pathetic sight. Me sitting on the couch knitting listening to the radio (yes, the radio! He cancelled cable because he said we were spending too much!). Here we were in a $500,000 house and I was knitting listening to the damn radio so he could get his jollies.

I know life isn't fair. But a lot of my anger is about the sex I wasn't having and the fun I was missing. I tell my husband all the time he thinks he is better then me. He doesn't understand that. Well, why did he deserve to dictate how our married life goes? I surely wouldn't have signed up for me knitting and him living like a rock star. By lieing he took all the control.

What would be fair and honest ....if you have to cheat...sit down and tell your partner...I have to do this...let your partner decide whether to stay or go...let them decide whether knitting on the couch is something they are willing to do in order that you have fun! Allow them equal opportunity. Geez.

Anyway Jeanette, your situation in my mind isn't cheating. What you had was an open marriage. As long as BOTH partners agree, thats fine. I personally wouldn't want that but if thats your choice...I have no problem with that.

[MuffinMan]

Ok be honest. Isn't part of the anger toward the cheater because they went out and did stuff (sex, relationship, fun, going out) and we sat here like dopes knitting on the couch?

Thats part of it to be sure. Part of it is also that we trusted them to let them have their time with "the guys" or "the girls". All these years I didn't think twice when she went out with her friends...I thought I was being a great husband for trusting her. Then after I found out, she is no longer allowed to go out with them.

I know thats a lot of the reason why I ended up having an affair. I was more than willing to stay home and do nothing, be a good wifey, saving my pennies but once I found out he was out getting drunk (money), paying for sex (money), having sex (when I was getting none), I felt so robbed! I was willing to sacrifice for the good of the marriage but hell all my sacrifices he went and spent!

You had an affair? I missed that....now elaine dammit..I know you are better than that! I'm a little dissappointed.

I know life isn't fair. But a lot of my anger is about the sex I wasn't having and the fun I was missing.

Oh I hear you there. When I was yelling at the top of my lungs at her for the months after I found out, I'd yell, "Oh, you won't have sex with me, but you can spread your f#cking legs for another guy within an hour of meeting him!!!!"

I understand too well what you are talking about elaine.

Anyway Jeanette, your situation in my mind isn't cheating. What you had was an open marriage. As long as BOTH partners agree, thats fine. I personally wouldn't want that but if thats your choice...I have no problem with that.

Thats what I thought...sounded like an open marriage with some worthless swinging mentioned on the husband's part, and he was ok with that until she actually spread her legs for other guys.

If my wife suggesting swinging, then I WOULD get a divorce. Thats just plain f#cking wrong. What happened to "forsaking all others"?
Marriage vows don't mean much to alot of people.

[elainegayla]

Marriage vows are a joke. Have you seen that insurance commercial...went something like "through headaches and leaving toilets seats up" etc? I laugh everytime I see that.

Yes. I did have my own affair after discovery day but we had both just decided our marriage was over and we were just staying for the kids. It was the best thing I ever did to get myself back and the worst thing I've ever done. I don't advocate it or justify. Just my totally wrong reaction to the terrible hurt and feeling worthless.

[crissy]

Here's what I don't get. I knew my marriage was rocky from the get go. I married for all the wrong reasons. BUT why is that some of us (me for example) let the person we were with change everything about ourselves. About six years ago my H was deployed for the second time in our marriage to a combat zone. There he met a guy who's marriage was totally built around swinging and the religion Wicken. When my H came home we where transfered to the same post as this couple. My H became so taken by the mere thought of their lifestyle. It got really difficult when this guy became my H's boss. The whole swinging thing really bothered me. I couldn't do it and refused to do it. I felt so unloved when my H approached me about swinging. I know now that was around the time that he cheated on me. It was at a party that he went to at their house without me. It wasn't that they weren't nice people, just being raised Baptist and thrown with a woman who claimed to be a witch really freaked me out. Then the whole open marriage thing, bi-sexuals, and the amt of alcohol my H would consume in their presence pissed me off. I've never done the cyber chat affair thing, I've never done the my-space, singles/married clubs, and I don't even go bar hopping. The last time I was in a bar was my late 20's and lets just say I'm not in my late 20's and haven't been in a long time. I know now more than ever that the man I cheated with was who I should have been with. He was the man I was supposed to marry, should have married. I have been making poor decisions most of my life and then trying to pick up the pieces afterwards.

[crissy]

Justifying what I have done. Some days I wake up and hate myself so much for causing the pain I've caused. Months ago I hated the pain my H was feeling, but now knowing that he cheated on me at least once only reinstates every neglected feeling I had. Knowing he wanted to try swinging hurt more than you can imagine. When I reconnected with my om, time felt like it had stood still. Now I still feel so much guilt, not because of my H, but because of his wife. Because we both let our emotions get out of control and acted so selfish. I think about my children and the embarassment I would feel if they both found out about what I did. I read an article the other day about woman and teaching our daughters to find the healthy man. Here are some of the points that stood out to me:
1) Value your virginity - teach them that is the most important gift you can give the man you love on your wedding night.
2) Don't allow her to feel like cinderella. Teach her to be a strong woman and not feel the need to be rescued.
3) Don't settle for a man that you think you can change, you'll only end up changing yourself to make the relationship work.
The last one really hit home with me. I changed everything about myself to make my marriage work. Now 13 yrs later, I don't know who I really am.

[tomasingm]

Classic Crissy.......

[MuffinMan]

My H became so taken by the mere thought of their lifestyle. It got really difficult when this guy became my H's boss. The whole swinging thing really bothered me. I couldn't do it and refused to do it. I felt so unloved when my H approached me about swinging. I know now that was around the time that he cheated on me.

Ok, you are confusing us now again. I thought you said your 1st husband cheated on you and your 2nd did not. Is this your first husband you are talking about here?

If not and it is your 2nd husband, then is sounds alot like you are making this all up as you go since this is the first we have heard any of this.

I know now more than ever that the man I cheated with was who I should have been with. He was the man I was supposed to marry, should have married.

After following your story of cheating on your 2nd husband, I can see that you are talking about your 2nd husband.

Why didn't you mention any of this earlier? Something is not right...the story seems to change each time you post about it.

[MuffinMan]

Justifying what I have done. Some days I wake up and hate myself so much for causing the pain I've caused. Months ago I hated the pain my H was feeling, but now knowing that he cheated on me at least once only reinstates every neglected feeling I had.

You NEVER mentioned he cheated on you until this post here. I would have thought that was an important piece of information to your story.

Do you remember in a past post I told you to make up your mind?

Decide which story you want to tell.

[crissy]

I really believe you only half read what I write. SEE: "Tired of repeating myself @ For Muffinman - Not sure but I think that was the first post I revealed that I found out my 2nd H cheated on me. Didn't find out until he came home for his 2 wk R&R. He revealed when I asked for a divorce. At first I wondered if he was just saying that to hurt me. He refused to tell me at the time who she was, but he finally admitted to it just a couple of days ago and gave me the name. Turns out she was a girl I worked with, her and her H hung out with us alot. Happened at a party and of course he blamed alcohol. He said it only happened once, but now I'm not so sure. Especially looking back on things. Before that party she and I were just co-workers, not really friends. After that weekend she approached me and we started going to lunch everyday. Then came the introduction to her H and we started to all hang out on the weekends. My H would always flirt with her, make comments about her huge breasts, and even kiss her goodbye when they'd leave. I feel soooo stupid now, it was right there in front me. I think that is the #1 reason I lashed back this past Friday in all the posts telling cheaters to get lost so to say. I'm just so angry.

[crissy]

My H has been gone so much in the last 7 years. Between deployments, field time, and TDY's. Deployed to Iraq he could cheat there, 1yr in Korea - he could cheat there - 3 yrs consulting with private gov contractors (TDY) -- he could easily cheat on those. He took the risk of doing it right in front of me, who's to say that he hasn't done it all along. He said today to me, He knows that he has been a cold hearted SOB and he can see why I was able to emotionally connect with the OM. OM had been my bestfriend since we were kids, dated throughout high school, and engaged for 3 yrs. Wasn't like it was a stranger from the internet, bar, or a one night stand. We already had history together.

So that's my story. Everyday that we talk alittle more is revealed. I don't know what's going to happen with my marriage. I know that telling him about the affair was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. I know I had the affair shortly after my dad died. So what does that have to do with the A? My counselor says alot. I already felt detached from my h and neglected. When my dad died I sit there alone in the Hosp 24hrs a day watching him struggle, praying for god to let him live and feeling guilty when I prayed for him to die. My H wasn't there for me, he could have been, but once again in crisis he was unable to be supportive. I resent him! I needed him and he wouldn't be there for me. I'm adopted, my dad was the only family I had. I miss him so much, especially with the holidays coming, this is the first big holiday that my dad won't be there

[crissy]

After following your story of cheating on your 2nd husband, I can see that you are talking about your 2nd husband.

Why didn't you mention any of this earlier? Something is not right...the story seems to change each time you post about it.


My very 1st post told everyone who my OM was. My childhood sweetheart, the man I was engaged to for 3 years of my life. I'm not trying to hide anything at all, just short window posts and a whole lot of story to tell. Telling my H about the A and then asking for a divorce opened up alot lines of communication. My A diffinitly wasn't the best thing that ever happended, but it did change my life completely. In some ways for the better, in alot of ways I'm worse

[MuffinMan]

I feel soooo stupid now, it was right there in front me. I think that is the #1 reason I lashed back this past Friday in all the posts telling cheaters to get lost so to say. I'm just so angry.

Well in general, no matter what the circumstances...yes, i tell the cheaters to get lost being a person who has never cheated and never will.

Had I had known about your current husband cheating, it would have been different, still not condoning revenge cheating.

But in all the posts I have seen, never did you mention your 2nd husband cheating and I would have thought that was important enough to bring up.

[MuffinMan]

My H has been gone so much in the last 7 years. Between deployments, field time, and TDY's. Deployed to Iraq he could cheat there, 1yr in Korea - he could cheat there - 3 yrs consulting with private gov contractors (TDY) -- he could easily cheat on those.

But did he? In the last post you said he did cheat, in this one your saying "he COULD cheat there". So did he or didn't he?

He took the risk of doing it right in front of me, who's to say that he hasn't done it all along.

So does this mean he did?

So that's my story. Everyday that we talk alittle more is revealed. I don't know what's going to happen with my marriage. I know that telling him about the affair was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life.

I wouldn't think it would be difficult at all if he truly cheated on you first...but then again, I'll never know if it would be difficult or not.

[crissy]

My H did cheat. I can not say what I did was revenge because I found out about my H after I had the A. SO it was not revenge. But I did allow myself to get emotionally attached to the OM because of the distance and neglect I was receiving from my H. Not justifing the A, justifing my fears. See I think you can tell when your spouse is cheating on you. The signs are all there, it's just that you chose to make excuses for what your seeing. You tell yourself that this is just a phase he's going through. You lie to yourself by letting your heart take over and abandon your brain.

[jeanettepat2]

Seems there are 2 women on this forum who have also admitted they cheated. Why are they not getting the responses I have received. All I can say about some of the people on this forum is they really need to deal with THEIR anger in a more constructive way. Yes, be angry that your wife cheated on you. But to tear down another person because of YOUR anger is not what this forum is about, or maybe it is. Deal with yourself and your feelings. Write here about how angry you are with you wife. But to tear another person down because of YOUR anger really sucks. Shows a lot of imaturity in my book.

[Skirtchaser]

Sometimes anger is all the cheater leaves a person with. They have to rebuild the rest. Your not singled out, read the past posts.
Some of us :cool: just believe there is no justification for cheating. No one has proved that wrong yet.

[MuffinMan]

Seems there are 2 women on this forum who have also admitted they cheated. Why are they not getting the responses I have received.

Because they are not trying to justify or excuse their cheating. Even though we despise cheating in here, we definitely don't put up with people excusing it, jusifying it, or putting the blame on their victim.

All I can say about some of the people on this forum is they really need to deal with THEIR anger in a more constructive way.

Oh I do, I take my anger to the gym every day...what a workout! I didn't even feel and look this good when I was 18.

Yes, be angry that your wife cheated on you. But to tear down another person because of YOUR anger is not what this forum is about, or maybe it is.

When someone comes in here that did the same thing you did to your husband as our wives have done to us, or other husbands have done to their wives, you make your story our story.

Here is the problem jean....people come here to vent, get their anger off their chest, and seek some advice and talk to people in similar situations.

Then people like you come in and try to put the blame on the past and your comitted partner.

So let me ask you a question...for a guy lilke me who showed his wife all the love in the world, showered her with affection, treated her like a queen and never neglected her, (and for the superficial out there) I am a fit good looking man(not being conceited...not saying I'm Brad Pitt)....I ask of you, how do you think we should treat someone that comes in here saying its "our fault" or that we should understand because of your "past"?

We don't like it when people try to justify their cheating. Thats why you and Crissy get the responses others don't

Deal with yourself and your feelings. Write here about how angry you are with you wife. But to tear another person down because of YOUR anger really sucks. Shows a lot of imaturity in my book.

No, trying to justify cheating is immature. You want to tell a story about how you cheated and how you are remorseful....fine....but don't come in here and try to justify it and put the blame on your spouse.

It doesn't fly here.

Besides...if you read our posts, you'll find we are just as hard on the men in here who have cheated as the women. We just tend to hang around the Cheating Wives section more because that is what pertains to our situations.

[crissy]

Muffin,

Why did your wife cheat? Did she give you a reason when you found out? I mean seriously, if you did all the above things. Why did she cheat? Was it a fling, affair, emotional, or all the mentioned? I just know for myself, that if my H had been attentive, supportive, emotionally there, physically there, and treated me better I honestly know that my A would never have happened. I gave up. When my H first married me he told me he would never give me his heart completely. That he's been hurt to many times to allow himself to fully give. He told me on our honeymoon that he may have closed the front door of his heart, but he would always make sure the back was open or a window cracked. How do you get past a statement like that? I believe he loves me, he says he loves me more now than when we married. So the romantic in me asks this ? ----- Do you believe that you can fall in love with someone over time? What do you feel the difference is between being IN LOVE with someone, verses LOVING SOMEONE? SO there's 2 ?'s for you.

[MuffinMan]

Muffin,

Why did your wife cheat? Did she give you a reason when you found out?

She mainly blamed it on being drunk and said it was a stupid mistake...we'll you know my take on the whole mistake thing...I told her I wasn't buying it.

I mean seriously, if you did all the above things. Why did she cheat? Was it a fling, affair, emotional, or all the mentioned?

She never held a relationship...it was a fling..she had no intention of carrying on with, from what I can gather, the 3 she cheated on me with.

And why did she cheat? As I have stated many times over...she is one of those people that just likes being with more than the same old guy for a long period of time. Sure she wanted to be with me forever, but couldn't resist another cute face when the opportunity arose.

I just know for myself, that if my H had been attentive, supportive, emotionally there, physically there, and treated me better I honestly know that my A would never have happened.

Some people are just too fickle and can't handle relationships for the long haul because they get bored, no matter how much attention and love they are shown by their partner.

I gave up. When my H first married me he told me he would never give me his heart completely.

If my first wife would have been honest and told me that before I had to find out the hard way, i woulnd't have married her.

Why did you marry him when he said this to you?

Do you believe that you can fall in love with someone over time? What do you feel the difference is between being IN LOVE with someone, verses LOVING SOMEONE? SO there's 2 ?'s for you.


Difference is, being IN LOVE is that you can't breath without this person, you are attracted to them in every way possible and want to be with them so bad.

LOVING SOMEONE, on the other hand, is caring about them. You can care about someone and love them for being the person they are, but not be IN LOVE with them.

I LOVE my wife for being the mother of my children and because we have been together for so long....but I don't think I'm IN LOVE with her anymore and don't know if I ever will again.

Regardless..my guard is forever up and my heart forever hardened.

[crissy]

I agree with what you said about being in love and loving someone. I was already married to my H when he made that statement. I got married because I got pregnant. I was afraid. My H was my rebound relationship after my divorce, I was his rebound relationship after a 2 yr relationship. I know he married me out of doing the right thing, give his child a home, a name. He was pressured by his Father to do right by me. I was afraid to raise a child on my own. I think we both thought that the love part would just come.

That whole can't breath feeling, dying inside to be with that person, and your every thought consumed by that person. Well I've just never had that at least not in this marriage. I've only felt like that once in my life time. I've had the newness feeling at the beginning of a relationship, but as far as really feeling in love with someone. I've only had that once in my lifetime many years ago. I know it will take a long time for me to want to be with anyone once my divorce is final. I hope I do really fall in love with a man who truly loves me. I think after my first divorce and finding my H cheating on me, I was hardened. I blamed myself for his affair. I worked so many hours, but I was a first yr resident. I had no choice but to work the hours I worked. I wish I had felt stronger then, felt like I could stand on my own two feet raising a child by myself. I know my life would be different now.