Question for the ladies

[MuffinMan]

If you had cheated on your husband who was the perfect man, then after finding out about you spreading your legs for another man he does a 180 and no longer bends over backwards for you.....what would you do if you felt bad and wanted to stay with your husband, yet he threw it back in your face once in a great while.

A few women said a wife might decide she got tired of it and decide to divorce anyway. My take is, if this is the case, then the cheater can't take a little heat here and there, but they expect the pain of the husband to just go away?

In my case, my wife neglects me. I am a fit, decent looking man who works out every day(its the only thing that makes me feel good about myself since my wife doesn't do anything to help in that regard), I still show her affection, but she never initiates it. I mean really, you were caught being a cheater, yet your husband still shows you affection. Mind you I didn't ever really forgive her and I sure as hell will never forget....and aside from that I still am the one trying.

So basically when she rejects me, I usally throw in something like, "oh, but I bet you fu#k another man if he were here right now."

Any thoughts from the ladies on this?

[crissy]

MuffinMan,

I am a cheater and a woman. I am trying hard to reconcile my marriage and find that every day is a constant work in progress. I find myself sometimes distant and unable to initiate affection. Not because there is no attraction, but because of the overwhelming sense of guilt. It eats at me constantly. So even when I think things are starting to get better with my husband something will trigger his anger and I realize we're no further along. My marriage will never be what it was before, but maybe that's a good thing. SO even as a cheater I have to make the decision is it worth staying and fighting to rebuild. Can something good come from something so bad? I know that eventually I will have to forgive myself, but to make our marriage work my husband will have to forgive me as well. Do you know why your wife sought to be with another man? I struggle with that question myself trying to understand why I could easily inflict so much pain on someone I love. So I question how and when the cycle ends. I hurt him, he hurts me, but the real question is when do we finally stop hurting each other? You want to move forward, but your anger and pain keeps you in the past reliving the affair over and over again. I'm told that time is what heals the wounds. I worry that they only scab leaving a really ugly ugly scar.

[jnj express]

if your wife has cheated on you and is still disrespecting you i would say this is big red flag that maybe something else is going on with her-or bottom line she really doesn't want you physically, and emotionally, and may just be sticking around cuz she has no where else to go, and can't make it in the real world on her own---------------------in that case you need to maybe seperate and if she can't handle that for whatever reason-maybe she will appreciate you more--------as to her handling your pain spikes and images----she caused them she needs to do whatever it takes to console you while you have them, and that is to be done by her forever

[Zoe]

crissy, i have send you a private message. please read

[crissy]

I do agree with Jnj, you really need to talk to your wife and communicate. I don't know if your wife needs to spend the rest of her life making it up to you. Not because your not deserving, but because is there ever really going to be a way to make it up to you. No amount of money, affection, or time is ever going to change the wrong she's done. I hope things get better for you good luck

[MuffinMan]

MuffinMan,

I am a cheater and a woman. I am trying hard to reconcile my marriage and find that every day is a constant work in progress. I find myself sometimes distant and unable to initiate affection. Not because there is no attraction, but because of the overwhelming sense of guilt. It eats at me constantly. So even when I think things are starting to get better with my husband something will trigger his anger and I realize we're no further along. My marriage will never be what it was before, but maybe that's a good thing. SO even as a cheater I have to make the decision is it worth staying and fighting to rebuild. Can something good come from something so bad? I know that eventually I will have to forgive myself, but to make our marriage work my husband will have to forgive me as well. Do you know why your wife sought to be with another man?

Don't know...she didn't starve from attention from me, and I treated her like a queen....the only thing I can figure is she is just fickle and there are certain people out there that, although they probably do love their mate, they just like the excitement of screwing someone new.

But she does now say she misses the way we use to be, and I remind her that is because of what she did. If I didn't find out she cheated I'd still be treating her like a queen.

At least in your situation you do truly seem remorseful.

[MuffinMan]

if your wife has cheated on you and is still disrespecting you i would say this is big red flag that maybe something else is going on with her-or bottom line she really doesn't want you physically, and emotionally

Well...she does like to get close to me...snuggle...things like that..but she told me once that she just feels different...that she is a mom now and doesn't know how to be a wife. Well, I don't think I know how to be a husband anymore after betrayal....it just all sucks. I just put all my energies into my kids now.

[elainegayla]

My husband (the cheater) is learning to deal with the times I bring it up.

He used to say" You're beating me up over my past".

To which I said "Your past is MY past. I'm not going to block out years of my life and ignore the truth. I'm not going to re-write my life/history because you don't like to be reminded."

In the beginning, he asked me to "accept". Well, I have to remind him accepting is very different than denial. I was in denial when he was cheating and I'm never going back to that. Thats where accepting and learning from my life experiences happens.

Acting like it never happened, pretending I don't make decisions now based on what he put me through is DENIAL. Not making decisions based at least somewhat on our history/my experienes is just plain dumb.

Our lives and marriage are FOREVER changed due to his actions. As the cheater, he needs to "accept" the past, too. I'm not the only one that has to accept and deal with it.

Certain decisions I would have made from the mother/wife place I was, are made by a different person, a person that has a husband with a history of cheating. There aren't any no-brainer decisions for me anymore. I have to include the BETRAYED SPOUSE in there with the mother/wife person.

What he did is a part of my life, my experiences, his life, who he is, and part of our marriage now. That is acceptance.

ALTHOUGH, after 2 plus years, I usually bring it up in a more factual way then I used to. Its not as angry. I had such intense anger for so long, its hard to sustain and very unhealthy and he isn't worth my anger. He isn't worth me being upset.

I've calmed it down (not completely, if I feel it...it flies) for ME.

Funny, b/c I was one of those women that asked myself a million times a day what was best for my husband/kids and can't remember asking myself what is best for me. Now, slowly and only through time and effort, I at least put my feelings, my needs, and what's good for me in front of my husband's. Honestly, I don't even think about his needs. He has demonstrated he is a big boy capable of putting himself first and its not my job (at least anymore) to take care of him.

I'm not his mother. I'm an equal partner and I deserve to be who I am. I have feelings and I'm allowed to express them, good or bad. Who I am and my feelings are an accumulation of my experiences. The experiences that my husband forced me to have.

Will he leave? Will your wife? Well, who knows? If they accept the past and learn to live with it, grow, learn to share, think about someone besides themselves...then they will stay. If not, who wants them anyway?

[MuffinMan]

My husband (the cheater) is learning to deal with the times I bring it up.

He used to say" You're beating me up over my past".

To which I said "Your past is MY past.

BOOM..exactly...thats what these cheaters don't realize is that their past will affect YOU the rest of your life.

[MuffinMan]

crissy, i have send you a private message. please read

Something you are afraid to say in here Zoe?