How do you deal through the various feelings?

[destroyed soul]

our 5 year anniversary was 10/13/06. I found out the night prior that my wife had cheated on me with the brother of one of her high school friends. she hasn't seen him since he was 10 yrs old, so i trust that there was not a history with him, as he is married and stationed over-seas. after much yelling I left and went to the hospital that I work at (many open beds) mainly to talk to people and figure out what I want to do/should do. I have also managed to break one of the bones in my right hand (I did not hit her-I broke it on a punching bag to relieve rage), so my typing will be 'off' for awhile. She says that she wants to work on our marriage, but I dont know if I can ever get over this. She has offered to go to councelling. My first thought was go to our church's preacher and tell him (mainly to destroy her within our church), but have yet to do so. She explained that since she has lost alot of weight (formerly on Prednisone), that she needed to feel needed/desired/whatever. Although I realize now that I may have been neglecting her in the past, no f***ing way can I excuse what she did.

I feel hurt.
I feel nauseated.
I feel confused.
I feel 'thrown away.
Yet I still love her.....I think?
I need help.

The worst thing about all of this, is that I am a nurse, and I am having a hard time feeling compassion for patients, because of what I am going through.

I am still in shock about everything, and I just need to hear from people that have ideas, NOT ADVICE.

Would or has private councelling helped anyone?
How long does this F***ING feeling stay in your stomach?
and why do I still love her?

thanks

[Icon73]

I found out 3 months ago after 14 years together. We are going to counseling trying to work it out. The illusion of what you had is gone forever and it is your choice now. Do you stay and work on the marrige ( I guess it can be good again but never the same) or roll the dice and ask for a divorce. My opinion is that both a rough way to go. I am trying to take care of myself. With or without her I will go on and I need to be happy about myself and the choices I have made. It's not easy. I feel for you and I think we all need a bit of good luck.

[markus]

Would or has private councelling helped anyone?
How long does this F***ING feeling stay in your stomach?

It will get easier in time but Dont hold your breathe waiting for that horrible feeling to go away ... it takes months and even then you may still be depressed
My wife had an affair 12 years ago and i never really got over it fully .. it takes something away from you and its very hard to find the same kind of security again , i made the mistake of believing it was my fault
Now ( months ago ) she hits me with a new affair .. this time with a co worker lasting two years :rolleyes:
strange how the one person who you thought cared about you most is willing to destroy your life for their own selfish reasons

Its not your fault she cheated ... everyone neglects their partner at times in relationships .. what she has done to you is through pure selfishness - theres no excuse
she can work on changing her ways but as it stands your married to a deceitfull person
To get through this faster you need to work on yourself , appreciate yourself -
find natural ways to relax and take your mind off it
see that you have a choice to constantly obsess over this or become aware that your thought patterns control how you feel and you can change them at any time

good luck

[destroyed soul]

As it stands now, I am trying to better myself first. I started to keep a record of all my thoughts and feelings, so that I might be able to work on what I want out of this marriage (if anything). I am worried that this will make me mistrust females in general. I came from a family where all people have been married along time, with no infidelity. So it is a huge shock to me that these things happen close to home, but I have some 'waking-up' to do.

We talked about counselling. She would prefer a liscensed counsellor over a religeous one, for the reason that she is afraid the preacher would only favor my side. She has finally broke down and cried, begging me to stay with her. I only told her that we need help first. Also we started telling each other things that we have been afraid to say for the past few months. Truthfully, alot of the conversation was about her thoughts/feelings. Normally she is very private with her feelings, even towards me, but she was able to tell me many things that I needed to hear her say. About 3 years ago, we lost a pregnancy. She says she has not been able to recover from that. In truth, I dont think that I have ever really come to accept it either.

I have now known for 6 days about the cheating. I have feelings that flood over me at times that are too hard to control. I have cried 3 times since I was 18 (now 33), but in the past week i have more than made up for that. All of my family and friends have been very supportive and understanding. For that I am truly grateful, but sometimes I just need to be alone and think to myself.

I think I have prayed more in the past week than I have in the past five years. It's amazing how sometimes, even in the worst situation imaginable, the Lord can help. Even one hour after finding out, I knew that God wants me to be able to forgive her (but that will have to take time).

I want to thank everyone that has read my post and offered help. I will do some more soul searching and keep eveyone updated to my situation.

[prex]

What I want but i can't have is some sort of redemption. I want my wife to tell me I'm the best, biggest, greatest, bestest of the best, but, dang it, you know in your heart of hearts that if you were so great why'd she leave?

Its agonyzing. You hope and pray its not some immutable physical characteristic, something he's got that you don't have, a way of thinking or of being romantic or sending that electric thrill through her body in a way you never could, or can. Imagining her anticipating their sexual encounters, getting excited by it, dreaming of him when she's sleeping next to you, moaning and writhing around. Did she look into his eyes as he entered her the first time? Did her eyes roll back into hear head with pleasure, as he pounded her? And so on and on and on.

If one could keep these types of thoughts at the forefront of your thinking we'd rid ourselves of these sociopaths most quick and move on. But the mind can't tolerate much of the above. You block it. You make up improbable scenarios where he was just so charming and a sensitive guy she gave him sex just to keep the attention around. But you know you're wrong. Its about the sex. If the other guy sucked at sex, she'd boot him.

Why does she keep you around? Who in the heck knows?An affair isn't an affair without your sad sap face moping around the house, blowing up her phone. Maybe you got something he doesn't. like money. Except now he has both your wife's body and your money. Get back to work, chump, he must think, as he dozes off to sleep in some seedy motel room you paid for, his seed all over lingere you bought for your wife. Or they look at some pathetic text message you send begging your love to come back, and she laughs and takes it in the rear just one more time before coming home and going into a beserk rage if you ask too many questions. Yep.

Think all those rotten thoughts she put in your head and take them to their logical conclusion. If I could ever love this demon again then one must be crazy and nothing matters. Or, you could slap her so hard you blacken her eye and leave a hand print on her face for five days. I just bet you thats satisfying in a way that you can never imagine, a moment you relive in your mind and cherish forever. Oh yeah. You could swear never to tell anyone anything about the affair, and then tell every single man woman child homeless person every sordid detail. Send a letter to her dad outlining every gut wrenching discovery his little precious daughter let you find, jizz filled underwear, motel receipts etc. Why should you have to bear this burden alone? You do make your cross lighter by making others heavier, at least in this situation. Burn all your bridges to this fiend and move on.

If you get along with her parents, stop it. You wouldn't buddy up to the parents of a guy who broke your legs with a baseball bat, would you? No, just on principle you wouldn't. And I'll bet you'd trade her cheating for a couple of broken legs, wouldn't you? So why stay buddy buddy with her parents? For the kids? Think she'll come back if mommy and daddy talk you up? Mommy and daddy's approval of any man is the instant kiss of death, so stop wasting your time and getting used. And if her dad is any kind of a man, all you remind him of is his ***** of a daughter. he doesn'twant you around.

So don't be around. But leave in a way that at least gives her a taste of misery, but not so deep it looks like you still care. Move somewhere new. Silently. Quickly. With no warning. Take it all. If she's a true ***** screw her in the most demeaning hateful way you know she hates, then boot her out the door naked into the street. Strap on those balls god gave you and let her know what time it is!

[MuffinMan]

geez destroyed soul, what happened to you happened to me. It was with a friends brother. And it was while we were engaged, but I found out about it 7 years and 2 kids later. Do I think she cheated during marriage, I think so, but no real indicators.

Anyway, how long does this feeling last?...it will last a while, but your hurt will soon turn into anger and utter contempt for your wife. And you think you love her, but those feelings have gone away. I am staying in my marriage for my kids ONLY. I am putting up a front that everything is ok, even though once in a while when she wants to know if she can go out with her friends, I throw this back in her face...why? Because once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater...PERIOD.

You want ideas, but not advice...I'm not sure I know the difference in this situation, but I'll give it a shot.
Never let your guard down with her again if you decide to stay with her. However, if you do not have children, I'd recommend getting a divorce and moving on with your life.
And let me get this straight, she dropped weight, so instead of feeling good with you, she spread her legs for another man? She should feel needed by the very fact that even though she was fat, you were her man and stood by her. Do you think her f#ck buddy brother of a friend would have hosed her when she looked like a cow? No.
As far as I'm concerned, she betrayed true love and never deserves trust again.
If I didn't have kids, I would boot my wife's a$$ out the door.

What I would do is start working out....look good, work on yourself. Do things that make you feel good. And your wife needs to start acting like a wife...that is if you decide to stay, but if you don't have kids...I'd kick her out.

But the main question you had, how long does this feeling last...hmmm...in my case, about 2 months, then it turned to silent anger. And dude, if she ever goes out with the girls(which she shouldn't be allowed to do anymore, she f#cked that up), then if she isn't home by 11pm...lock her out of the house.

[MuffinMan]

As it stands now, I am trying to better myself first. I started to keep a record of all my thoughts and feelings, so that I might be able to work on what I want out of this marriage (if anything). I am worried that this will make me mistrust females in general. I came from a family where all people have been married along time, with no infidelity. So it is a huge shock to me that these things happen close to home, but I have some 'waking-up' to do.

We talked about counselling. She would prefer a liscensed counsellor over a religeous one, for the reason that she is afraid the preacher would only favor my side. She has finally broke down and cried, begging me to stay with her. I only told her that we need help first. Also we started telling each other things that we have been afraid to say for the past few months. Truthfully, alot of the conversation was about her thoughts/feelings. Normally she is very private with her feelings, even towards me, but she was able to tell me many things that I needed to hear her say. About 3 years ago, we lost a pregnancy. She says she has not been able to recover from that.

I am sorry to hear about the pregnancy. I went through that myself.
She never truly recovered from that, so she goes out and shags another man?

And as far as a preacher taking only your side....damn right. There is no other side, unless you were physically abusive. What?...she wants someone to help justify her cheating? THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION...you tell her that!
You MAKE her go to a preacher!

[jnj express]

if you are going to stick with her------you need her to desensitize the affair for you by giving you every detail of every thing that happened from beginning to end---------------this way you have no doubts or gaps to fill, ----and your mind won't try to find out what else may have happened-------you need to make her do this for you----this will help put the affair itself behind you--------unfortunately images may never go away---------how did she even get started with this guy-did she go looking for someone else-------------where did she find this guy at----was it a long relationship or a little fling---------------did she have no thoughts of you while doing all of this--------talking about these details helps, telling us gives us some info to analyze your situation with----------------if you stay she must be able to handle everyone of your pain spikes everytime they come up--------she needs to go to you and console you, and cry with you-EVERYTIME, AND ANYTIME----she is the one who caused them, and she MUST help you get thru them, if she can't do this, then she doesn't want to rehab the marriage, and i would tell her so--------also i would seperate from her for a while-let her be on her own and LET HER SEE WHAT LIFE IS LIABLE TO BE LIKE WITHOUT YOU, DUE TO WHAT SHE HAS DONE, this is little enough punishment for what she did to you, cuz basically she has ruined your life for a very long time-for some it is forever--------please continue to let us know how things are going, and if she is truly remorseful, or she just doesn't really know how she is going to live w/o you her meal ticket, this having nothing to do with love, just her being able to survive-----you need to really find out what she is about, FOR IF SHE TRULY LOVED YOU, she wouldn't be having sex with another, she should have been proud of losing the weight and showing it off to you--------instead of seeking some other guy to show herself off to---------------you really do need to pin her down on whether she really truly does love you--and it can't just be words from her mouth to appease you when the subject comes up she needs to really show you she truly loves you for she has disrespected you in the worse way possible

[jnj express]

hey i'm sorry i left something out of my last overly long post---something that really bugs me-----------you say you love your wife---please explain to me how you can love someone who has thrown all your years of marriage in the trashcan-----how do you love someone who has dispecpected you at the highest level--how do you love someone who comes home day after day treats you normal, as if nothing is going on yet she is out being intimate, passionate, and having sex with another time and again-HOW DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE LIKE THAT, please explain it to me -i will never understand

[elainegayla]

Its taken me two years to not want to throw up everytime my husband walked into the house. Its taken two years to figure out its not my fault (and really believe it deep down). Two years til I stopped thinking about it everyday. I am physically repulsed by his touch.

Now I have a mild distaste. Even when I try to feel anything beyond distaste, I can't. No love, no respect, just total indifference (as long as he doesn't touch me).

I think now the lost of respect for him is what really is the worst. I never realized how important respect was. You can't even work toward love without respect.

There is no reason for you to stay if you don't have kids. It will always be there in the back of your mind. You will never feel free to give yourself completely to her.

[toamsingm]

As it stands now, I am trying to better myself first. I started to keep a record of all my thoughts and feelings, so that I might be able to work on what I want out of this marriage (if anything). I am worried that this will make me mistrust females in general. I came from a family where all people have been married along time, with no infidelity. So it is a huge shock to me that these things happen close to home, but I have some 'waking-up' to do.

We talked about counselling. She would prefer a liscensed counsellor over a religeous one, for the reason that she is afraid the preacher would only favor my side. She has finally broke down and cried, begging me to stay with her. I only told her that we need help first. Also we started telling each other things that we have been afraid to say for the past few months. Truthfully, alot of the conversation was about her thoughts/feelings. Normally she is very private with her feelings, even towards me, but she was able to tell me many things that I needed to hear her say. About 3 years ago, we lost a pregnancy. She says she has not been able to recover from that. In truth, I dont think that I have ever really come to accept it either.

I have now known for 6 days about the cheating. I have feelings that flood over me at times that are too hard to control. I have cried 3 times since I was 18 (now 33), but in the past week i have more than made up for that. All of my family and friends have been very supportive and understanding. For that I am truly grateful, but sometimes I just need to be alone and think to myself.

I think I have prayed more in the past week than I have in the past five years. It's amazing how sometimes, even in the worst situation imaginable, the Lord can help. Even one hour after finding out, I knew that God wants me to be able to forgive her (but that will have to take time).

I want to thank everyone that has read my post and offered help. I will do some more soul searching and keep eveyone updated to my situation.

Destroyed soul, you are 33 you are young enough to restart your life, it will be hard but you can if you choose to walk. However if you choose to workin things out you should do it on your terms. It is more than obvious that spirituality is a large part of your life, that being said go with the preacher. It will help on more than one level as opposed to a licensed counselor that plays a less and more neutral role. Believe it or not I have heard friends that have elected to work our inifdelities through clergy, have a higher success rate. Faith teaches forgiveness that being said she is mor elikely to keep you if she goes the counseling route you have elected. just my 2 cents good luck bro if you ever need some one to talk to or a shoulder to cry on we are here for you.

[MuffinMan]

If you get along with her parents, stop it. You wouldn't buddy up to the parents of a guy who broke your legs with a baseball bat, would you? No, just on principle you wouldn't. And I'll bet you'd trade her cheating for a couple of broken legs, wouldn't you? So why stay buddy buddy with her parents? For the kids? Think she'll come back if mommy and daddy talk you up? Mommy and daddy's approval of any man is the instant kiss of death, so stop wasting your time and getting used.

In my situation, her mother thinks I am the best husband that ever walked the earth. And when she found out that I was seriously thinking about divorcing her and breaking up the family, both her and her mom sat me down to talk. Her mom cried and cried begging me to not leave. She told me how much she wanted me to be there and that my children need me.
She also said that my wife realizes in the face of losing me how stupid she was. They both begged me up and down.
Thats when it went off in my head....KA-CHING! I have this cheating s!ut right where I want her. I proceeded to tell them how it was going to go down. I proceeded to tell them if I were to stay that I CALL THE SHOTS from here on out. Thats when they both realized they took the perfect husband & destroyed him forever. They both were willing to accept my terms.

Her mom, after hearing all my terms, said "I think she can live with that"...and my wife shook her head yes...but then her mom said(you can tell her mom is doing all the talking), "but you can't throw it back in her face over and over"...I looked at her mom and said, "The f#ck I can't!!" (i have a good relationship with her mom and can speak that openly with her).
After I said that, she didn't argue because she knew I was right. She knew if she stepped out of line that bringing up the past was all too relevant.

Anyway, this guy is in a position to get out...not married yet, no kids. Thats what I would have done if I didn't find out about her cheating until after we were married and had kids.

And in case anyone is wondering how I found out 7 years later...an old friend of hers, that my wife kind of treated like dirt, came back to town and I spoke with her at the local store. She ratted my wife out proper. Then I asked, "you knew about this BEFORE we got married?" If I would have known I could have saved myself all of this.

[tomasingm]

If her mom thinks you are the world, you should nail her, best revenge ever!!! J/k!!!!! There goes my immature side talking. You handled it very well. It takes a big man to sit down and actually be willing to talk about it without laying down a back hand.

[destroyed soul]

hey i'm sorry i left something out of my last overly long post---something that really bugs me-----------you say you love your wife---please explain to me how you can love someone who has thrown all your years of marriage in the trashcan-----how do you love someone who has dispecpected you at the highest level--how do you love someone who comes home day after day treats you normal, as if nothing is going on yet she is out being intimate, passionate, and having sex with another time and again-HOW DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE LIKE THAT, please explain it to me -i will never understand


I have now known about the affair for 1 week. I wish I could turn my feelings off (all of them - good & bad). If I didn't love her, then I wouldn't hurt as badly. I am torn between 2 sides of my self, I vowed to be with her for better OR worse, but I REFUSE to make myself into a doormat. It is hard when you truly love someone to just turn off love.

I don't beat her. I work and make a good living. I do not drink more than one glass every few months. I don't have cyber-sex/look at p0rn. I do smoke, but that is my worst trait. I know deep down in my gut, that it is not my fault, but I feel guilty.

One of the other nurses that I work with has been hurt by her husband in the same way. It has been 13 years since she fuond out, and they are together and strong. She explained that she needed to learn about him- his highest peaks and his lowest valleys. Honestly, I don't think I am that strong, I only wish I was.

But to answer your question(s), I don't know why or how long I could love her anymore. I am just too tired.

[destroyed soul]

In my situation, her mother thinks I am the best husband that ever walked the earth.

While her mother does like me, her father acts like I am the son he never had. And sex with him is out of the question. (tomasingm):eek:

[misshurtalot]

I would say about the counseling part she needs to do on your terms and your terms only. Also, I highly recommend the book love and respect by dr . Emmerson. I , too am going through a difficult situation. Keep you in my prayers.:)

[MuffinMan]

If her mom thinks you are the world, you should nail her, best revenge ever!!! J/k!!!!! There goes my immature side talking. You handled it very well. It takes a big man to sit down and actually be willing to talk about it without laying down a back hand.

Well I would never hit her. The most I would ever do is if I EVER caught her in bed in my house with another guy, I'd physically slap a sleeper hold on him, and believe me I am trained, throw him out of the house after dragging him down my staircase, then go back upstairs....pick her up carry her downstairs and throw her out without her clothes on too.

As far as nailing her mother...she's nailable, but I am not a cheat even when cheated on. I'll divorce her before I cheat. I just feel I'm better than a cheat....ya read that Misty?

[MuffinMan]

While her mother does like me, her father acts like I am the son he never had. And sex with him is out of the question. (tomasingm):eek:

Then you should definitely tell her father what she has done. If nothing EVER hurts a woman worse, it is her father being ashamed of his little girl treating someone like that. If her father is ashamed of her, that will kill her.

[tomasingm]

Then you should definitely tell her father what she has done. If nothing EVER hurts a woman worse, it is her father being ashamed of his little girl treating someone like that. If her father is ashamed of her, that will kill her.



Agreed, this is a great idea. Tell him in a father to son conversation. Tell him you are telling him as a friend becasue you are heart borken, not as her father. (even though it will really make him pissed at her)

[prex]

"her mother thinks I am the best husband that ever walked the earth. And when she found out that I was seriously thinking about divorcing her and breaking up the family, both her and her mom sat me down to talk. Her mom cried and cried begging me to not leave."

Why wasn't your wife crying and begging you not to leave. Because she wants you to leave. You are a reminder of what a ***** she is. You'll always have the upper hand in any argument. You'll always hold the moral high ground. She will resent that. You think sex is going to good again with a woman that resents you for a situation she created?Is she all of a sudden out of the thin blue sky going gain character, morals, and personal ethics? She will chalk up your relationship with her parents as just another way you've ruined her life, and yet another reason to cheat on you again. Cheaters are liars, and most of all they lie to themselves. There's just no other way they can accomplish what they accomplish. Folks capable of this level of self deception can decieve regular folk with virtually no effort at all.

My wife tried to reconcile with me, made plans for the future, had me spend money on her, engaged in sex with me, all the while knowing she was 3-5 months PREGNANT with another man's kid! I guess she just pretended she wasn't pregnant?!?! Get out now, brother, get out NOW.

[MuffinMan]

"her mother thinks I am the best husband that ever walked the earth. And when she found out that I was seriously thinking about divorcing her and breaking up the family, both her and her mom sat me down to talk. Her mom cried and cried begging me to not leave."

Why wasn't your wife crying and begging you not to leave. Because she wants you to leave.

Oh no, she was crying too, but because she is a chicken**** at confrontation, her mother did it all for her.


You are a reminder of what a ***** she is. You'll always have the upper hand in any argument. You'll always hold the moral high ground. She will resent that.

Tough sh!t. If she doesn't like it, she knows where the door is. And she WILL leave without my boys.


You think sex is going to good again with a woman that resents you for a situation she created?

I think you completely missed the part where I said old Rosey is a much better lover than her anyway.

Is she all of a sudden out of the thin blue sky going gain character, morals, and personal ethics?

Nope, and I know she won't...she is just going to do what I say from here on out or get out.

She will chalk up your relationship with her parents as just another way you've ruined her life, and yet another reason to cheat on you again.

Then she can get the hell out. I think you missed one crucial thing I have said in other posts. There are simply ground rules now. And I am not being a total pr!ck to her...just letting her know that she is to act like A WIFE, not a college floosey. And I have also said that I am the one that seems to be working on this relationship more than her, and she is the f#ckin' cheater.

So you can give her this little speech.


Cheaters are liars, and most of all they lie to themselves. There's just no other way they can accomplish what they accomplish. Folks capable of this level of self deception can decieve regular folk with virtually no effort at all.

Bingo...you finally said something smart. And that is why the ball is in my court. If she thinks she is going to fool me again, or make a fool out of me, she is sorely mistaken.

My wife tried to reconcile with me, made plans for the future, had me spend money on her, engaged in sex with me, all the while knowing she was 3-5 months PREGNANT with another man's kid! I guess she just pretended she wasn't pregnant?!?! Get out now, brother, get out NOW.

Sorry, I am not going to let a cheater take my boys away from me. I am staying for them for the most part. She knows she f#cked up and is willing to accept my terms. And she won't be cheating if she doesn't have the opportunity...and thats what I am eliminating...the opportunity. Sure she probably still wants to f#ck other men...but if thats the case, she's going to have to leave the marriage and boys behind to do it.

Besides...I am the one that is fooling her now. She thinks that everything is fine between us now. Thats how i let it appear to be, but deep down I have dreams of slapping the sh!t out of her(I would never do that though). So she thinks she is being given a 2nd chance to keep her family. I RULE!!!

I'll just divorce her when my boys are in college more than likely.

[tomasingm]

Great idea that will give you more than enough time to stash some $$ from her because when you do decide to divorce her she is going to expect alimony "for being a godd wife, and supportive all this time." It is a broken system.

[MuffinMan]

Great idea that will give you more than enough time to stash some $$ from her because when you do decide to divorce her she is going to expect alimony "for being a godd wife, and supportive all this time." It is a broken system.

I don't think any court would award alimony after the kids are packed and gone.
She'll get half my retirement, but honestly...it will be worth it. She wont get any portion of my retirement that I accumulate after the divorce..only that which she was present for those years.

[prex]

is what they call alimony now, and if the little missus is a homemaker with no employment, you'll be paying alimony for at least as half as long as you've been married.

"Sorry, I am not going to let a cheater take my boys away from me."

Then don't let her take them. You take them. Its easy, my brother.

"I am the one that is fooling her now"

Thats wonderful. She still gets her rent, food, insurance, clothes, etc paid for, and you have the extra effort of keeping an eye on a bizitch in constant heat who wants to run the streets. Who's the fool? I know of a detective who said he caught a wife ****ing her next door neighbor in the 5 minutes it took her husband to go next door to return a drill. The other dude ran over and began screwing her in the laundry room, finished in 3 minutes and was gone. So all your vigilance will be for naught with a truly motivated female. What are you going to do then, Warden MuffinMan? Throw her in the hole?

This tough act you're putting on is to hide the fact you don't want to let her go. You love her. I'm with you, brother. Thats the most painful part of it all, they don't love you like you love them. Certainly your kids will notice at some point that other dads don't act this way, and then what? DOn't they feel your watchful gaze on mom, your interrogations of her whereabouts, etc.? It doesn't sound healthy for anyone involved. Its easy to be a hard ass, but its harder to boot someone to the door that you still love. And sooner or later your guard will go down and she'll slip thru and find the nearest tom-cat and you can start this all over again. Good luck

[MuffinMan]

is what they call alimony now, and if the little missus is a homemaker with no employment, you'll be paying alimony for at least as half as long as you've been married.

Nope, she has a college degree which I paid for. So she has the means to find herself a more than adequate job. The argument of a stay at home mom getting alimony is that she has no skills to get a decent job. Not the case in my situation...she has an education and can make good use of it.

"Sorry, I am not going to let a cheater take my boys away from me."

Then don't let her take them. You take them. Its easy, my brother.

"I am the one that is fooling her now"

Thats wonderful. She still gets her rent, food, insurance, clothes, etc paid for, and you have the extra effort of keeping an eye on a bizitch in constant heat who wants to run the streets. Who's the fool?

Ever heard of the expression...cheaper to keep her? Besides..she is the one that doesn't want to lose her family and says she realizes what a wonderful husband I have been. Now is she being truthful?...I doubt it. Fact is, this was 7 years ago and I doubt she cheated since, but if she does again...she knows where the door is....cheat on me once, shame on her, cheat on me twice, shame on me...there will be no twice without her getting kicked out of the house.

I know of a detective who said he caught a wife ****ing her next door neighbor in the 5 minutes it took her husband to go next door to return a drill. The other dude ran over and began screwing her in the laundry room, finished in 3 minutes and was gone. So all your vigilance will be for naught with a truly motivated female. What are you going to do then, Warden MuffinMan? Throw her in the hole?

Nope...throw her out...as stated already, she does it again and she will find herself living in a sh!t apartment WITHOUT my sons. I'l be damned if they are raised to beleive that its ok for a woman to cheat on them.

This tough act you're putting on is to hide the fact you don't want to let her go. You love her.

Oh I'm not going to deny the fact that there is some love left...but it isn't like it was and never will be again.

I'm with you, brother. Thats the most painful part of it all, they don't love you like you love them. Certainly your kids will notice at some point that other dads don't act this way, and then what? DOn't they feel your watchful gaze on mom, your interrogations of her whereabouts, etc.?

Nope, because they are only 6 and 2 for starters, and the watchful eye isn't there until the weekends at night on the rare occasion now when she asks to go out with her friends. I'll ask where she is going...if she says to her friends house to sit and have a couple drinks and shoot the bull....I tell her...do what you want. If she says they are going to the bar or I find out they end up going...and in a small town like mine, I'll find out for sure. There are no secrets in this small town..but if she says they want to go to a bar, I flat out say no. You might call this controlling, I call it a reasonable expectation for her to act like a WIFE and not a s!ut.


It doesn't sound healthy for anyone involved. Its easy to be a hard ass, but its harder to boot someone to the door that you still love. And sooner or later your guard will go down and she'll slip thru and find the nearest tom-cat and you can start this all over again. Good luck

The guard will never go down again. You can bet on that one my brutha.