It's been nine years...

[orlando_husband]

...and I am still not over my wifes affair. It first started when I bought a new computer and signed up for an internet account. She discovered the online chats and started spending hours in them. One night I called her from work and she matter of factly told me that she was on the phone with a guy she met online. Eventually she wound up spending a weekend in a hotel with him under the guise of a weekend away with the girls at work. When I found the hotel receipt she denied any sexual activity and agreed to not talk to him anymore. I am no fool, I don't believe to this day that nothing happened between them. A couple of months later she began having an affair with a coworker, this admitted affair led to our breakup. Our split lasted 3-4 months and we decided to work it out. We have been back together for nearly 12 years now. She has been nothing but dedicated since we have been back together and I have been trying to be a much better husband to her (when I found out about her affair she did the typical cheating spouse routine of blaming me for it).
No matter how hard I try I can not get over the incident of her spending the weekend with the first guy who she claims nothing happened. I never think about her admitted affair and have totally forgiven her. Everytime I think of the first guy it tears me apart and I sometimes go for a week being mad at her over it.
I just feel like she is lying about him and feel that is being disrepectful of me by doing so. I could believe that nothing happened between them if she had not maintained contact with him by phone for several months following thier getaway (they lived 8 hours apart so they could not meet anymore although I had found some cancelled hotel resevations after that incident that she had made for them).
Will I ever get over this? Why would she still lie about him after all these years? Will I ever for sure know the truth? She has earned my trust back and I have no fear that she will cheat again but the lie still gets to me occasionally.
Sorry for the length of my very first post but I would appreciate any advice.

[confused]

You came to the right place.....

some of the advice will be brutal...some will be blunt and to the point...and some will drag on "like mine" *lol*

anyhow....here's my opinion(s)......


I just feel like she is lying about him and feel that is being disrepectful of me by doing so.

You hit the nail on the head with this statement alone. She "IS" in fact lieing...maybe your knowledge of this will be enough...but obviously you're here because its NOT enough. But at least you know that OTHERS believe "you". She's a liar.

Will I ever get over this?

Nope. i mean...proof is in the pudding...how long has this been in your head now? 12 years you say? TWELVE YEARS? come on. Best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. If you have been thinking of this for 12 years now...its safe to say you will continue. UNTIL SHE ADMITS.....then you can have closure like you did on her actual affair with the co-worker. I mean think about it. why have you let go of that incident and not this guy? because your wife ADMITTED and took BLAME and OWNERSHIP for it. no denial. that denial crud? thats whats ruining this one.

Why would she still lie about him after all these years?

To save face. If she admits now that she was lieing then...then what else will you question of her? so...she will hold up her front...since its worked for 12 years now.

Listen.....i lied to my mom 26 years ago about "who's pot" she found in my purse. do you think i've since told her that it was mine?
nope. to THIS DAY she thinks that that particular situation was still the way it was. Yes....i have revealed other things about my teenage life (times i snuck out the window to go to a party etc.) but i have NEVER told her that particular time when the pot was indeed mine.

why? *shrug* i dunno....again i think its just that after so long....its like "why". why tell the truth about something that would break my moms heart if she knew. Being drunk was one thing...doing drugs was another.

She has earned my trust back and I have no fear that she will cheat again but the lie still gets to me occasionally.

Here's the way i see it. Two choices.

1. Tell her everything you just told all of us. That you have NO FEAR that she will cheat. That she has since earned back your trust WHOLEHEARTEDLY. But...that the lie does indeed still get to you. (yes. LIE) maybe she will open up.

or.

2. Let it get to you occasionally....and move on with your life. 12 great years with a woman you now trust wholeheartedly.....i mean.....well.....i dunno.....i HOPE my mom hasn't been sitting there pining over whether the pot was mine or not. she's missed out on a lot then. and our relationship is VERY close. so......whats the point?

[markus]

you know that the man from the first affair f**ked her and that she is continuing the lie because she doesn't want to hurt you more and
admit that she has been lying about it all this time

Let it pass .. move on

[MuffinMan]

...and I am still not over my wifes affair. It first started when I bought a new computer and signed up for an internet account. She discovered the online chats and started spending hours in them. One night I called her from work and she matter of factly told me that she was on the phone with a guy she met online. Eventually she wound up spending a weekend in a hotel with him under the guise of a weekend away with the girls at work. When I found the hotel receipt she denied any sexual activity and agreed to not talk to him anymore. I am no fool, I don't believe to this day that nothing happened between them. A couple of months later she began having an affair with a coworker, this admitted affair led to our breakup. Our split lasted 3-4 months and we decided to work it out. We have been back together for nearly 12 years now. She has been nothing but dedicated since we have been back together and I have been trying to be a much better husband to her (when I found out about her affair she did the typical cheating spouse routine of blaming me for it).
No matter how hard I try I can not get over the incident of her spending the weekend with the first guy who she claims nothing happened. I never think about her admitted affair and have totally forgiven her. Everytime I think of the first guy it tears me apart and I sometimes go for a week being mad at her over it.
I just feel like she is lying about him and feel that is being disrepectful of me by doing so. I could believe that nothing happened between them if she had not maintained contact with him by phone for several months following thier getaway (they lived 8 hours apart so they could not meet anymore although I had found some cancelled hotel resevations after that incident that she had made for them).
Will I ever get over this? Why would she still lie about him after all these years? Will I ever for sure know the truth? She has earned my trust back and I have no fear that she will cheat again but the lie still gets to me occasionally.
Sorry for the length of my very first post but I would appreciate any advice.

And you will go on for the rest of your life that way. You will throw it back in her face over and over....but she deserves it. She also deserves to not be allowed to do ANY girls night out activities any more. She proved that she cannot be trusted. And make no mistake, its like alcoholism..once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater.
I am not telling you this to make you feel bad...its just the truth. If I didn't have any kids, I'd have divorced my wife over this by now. I am usually always angry at her, although I don't let it show...she thinks everything is ok with me, but it just aint so.
So how do I deal with it? She is not allowed to go to bars any longer. If she wants to do things with friends, she can stay in town where she knows I might(but I don't) check up on her. And if she ever does go out and comes home past 11pm or so, she will be locked out of the house.
Mind you, I am not physically keeping her from going out, she just knows what the consequences will be.
And I would never do it because I am better than that, but boy did she ever get all upset when I said that I get told her I get to go out and cheat on her at least 3 times to make it even. She didn't like that at all....so I asked her, "what do you care?...you obviously don't give a sh*t about me to f*#k other guys".
But if you don't have kids, I'd divorce her...otherwise you will just be like this the rest of your life...trust me ...I KNOW!

[orlando_husband]

"Confused" "Markus" and "Muffinman", thanks so much for the words. I appreciate and value each one of your opinions. I think deep down I know she will never completely come clean but I guess I am resigned to go through a tough couple of weeks per year. I know she was wrong but I love her and will be with her from now on.

I am thankful that I found this board which gives me the voice and the audience that I am denied here at home.

[markus]

No problem orlando_husband , were all in the same boat suffering from dodgy
wife syndrome :cool:

Your problem is like having a missing piece in a puzzle .. if she told you the truth from day one you would have accepted it by now and she would have saved herself a lot of grief
You dont really need her to help you with this , the problem is in your head
Use your imagination to fix it , imagine what you think she would say if she came clean ... what you need to hear and play it over and over in your mind
make it feel real and then imagine putting the things that bother you about it into a cannon and blast the bastard into the universe

[jnj express]

what was it that caused the 2 of you to get back together after the 4 months apart after the 2nd affair------------------was it cuz she couldn't make it on her own---------------------what exactly has she told you about the weekend at the hotel-----------------------was the other guy also married, maybe you can backtrack thru his spouse if he was married and get info that way-------------------reason i asked about your getting back together after the split up, is that if she couldn't make it then, and maybe she can't make it on her own now either----------------and if you REALLY WANT TO FIND OUT, tell her to come clean or leave, or tell her to come clean or you will leave, this is pretty drastic, but it might produce results----------------that is if you really want to find out---------------if you are happy in your marriage now -----------maybe you shouldn't really try to find out-------------cuz you are opening pandora's box, which will lead to who knows where--------------sleeping dogs lie, or the truth------------------interesting ------------your choice

[orlando_husband]

markus --

"if she told you the truth from day one you would have accepted it by now and she would have saved herself a lot of grief" -- Thats exactly how I feel, it is almost like the betrayal is continuing to this day but you are correct that the problem is in my head and I will probably have to fix it on my own

JNJ--
The first 3 months we were seperated I lived in a bottle and chased after her trying to get her to come back to me. I then decided that she was not worth the energy and that I was the one who had been wronged. I called her and told her that I was through with it. I then started dating someone ( a couple of someones). She called me to pick her up at the airport one night and I refused telling her I didn't owe her anything anymore. The next thing I knew she was the one pursuing me and we were back together within that month. She could make it on her own financially but not emotionally I guess.

[Skirtchaser]

I agree with Markus, If she was faithful for 12 years, and you stayed with her anyway knowing what you know, I think you should let go of it. :cool:

[markus]

I found out about my wife's affair about 5 months ago , she broke it off and has done a lot of work on our relationship , shown remorse but theres a lot of unanswered questions which i needed to know to move forward ...like how long it lasted , was she planning to leave me etc etc
The physical side of an affair is obvious , the emotional part and betrayal bothered me more
At some point you have to realise that the truth wont happen , they dont want to be reminded of reality of what they have done and resurface the guilty feelings - they bury it under the carpet and thats where they intend to leave it
To get through it you need a clear picture in your head of what happened , what caused it feel that you both know how to avoid it happening again in the future
Ive given up seeking the full truth ... its a waste mental energy
at some point you have to realise that past events dont actually exist anywhere other than in your head
The other man or your wife are not thinking about about it - they put it behind them .. its over
You have to look after yourself .. if you go to her for answers your really trying to fix her - your trying to cure her dishonesty
Bollocks to her , Its hard enough to make changes to improve yourself without trying to do the work for her aswell

In my opinion the way forward for anyone going through these problems is to concentrate on yourself - shift to a different level of awarness
Your post is proof that time does not heal , Depression medication doesn't heal either
The key to getting back on tracks is tapping into your own natural resources
Everything you need is within you , you just have to be willing to find it

use this audio download - it will save you time ;)
http://www.paulmckenna.com/download.php

[Tawnee1969]

http://www.paulmckenna.com/download.php[/url]

Only one word for this post....WOW, ok maybe 2 words...Brilliant (eats her hat and words from last post, sorry Markus)

[MuffinMan]

I agree with Markus, If she was faithful for 12 years, and you stayed with her anyway knowing what you know, I think you should let go of it. :cool:

Nope...even if he knew the whole truth, he still wouldn't let go of it, never completely.
Knowing the whole truth just makes you even more pi$$ed.

[Jerry]

She will continue to flirt, cheat and lie to cover up her infidelity. It's comulsive and she can't control it. When the opportunity presents itself she will be in bed with another guy (or woman). She needs constant reinforcement that she is desirable and is willing to risk everything to get that the "high" that she needs.

it has nothing to do with you-you are ok. She needs help from professionals that deal in sexual addiction. You / she will probably find that it started when she was a child being raised within a disfunctional family scenario. These women are usually the victims of child abuse and that problem has never been delt with.

try to get her to admit she has a problem and get counceling from professionala. The two of you will end up hating each other in the end if you let it go. If she won't let you help her then you have to move on and avoid being the victim again.

[z71 girl]

...and I am still not over my wifes affair. It first started when I bought a new computer and signed up for an internet account. She discovered the online chats and started spending hours in them. One night I called her from work and she matter of factly told me that she was on the phone with a guy she met online. Eventually she wound up spending a weekend in a hotel with him under the guise of a weekend away with the girls at work. When I found the hotel receipt she denied any sexual activity and agreed to not talk to him anymore. I am no fool, I don't believe to this day that nothing happened between them. A couple of months later she began having an affair with a coworker, this admitted affair led to our breakup. Our split lasted 3-4 months and we decided to work it out. We have been back together for nearly 12 years now. She has been nothing but dedicated since we have been back together and I have been trying to be a much better husband to her (when I found out about her affair she did the typical cheating spouse routine of blaming me for it).
No matter how hard I try I can not get over the incident of her spending the weekend with the first guy who she claims nothing happened. I never think about her admitted affair and have totally forgiven her. Everytime I think of the first guy it tears me apart and I sometimes go for a week being mad at her over it.
I just feel like she is lying about him and feel that is being disrepectful of me by doing so. I could believe that nothing happened between them if she had not maintained contact with him by phone for several months following thier getaway (they lived 8 hours apart so they could not meet anymore although I had found some cancelled hotel resevations after that incident that she had made for them).
Will I ever get over this? Why would she still lie about him after all these years? Will I ever for sure know the truth? She has earned my trust back and I have no fear that she will cheat again but the lie still gets to me occasionally.
Sorry for the length of my very first post but I would appreciate any advice.
ultimately you have to decide to forgive her. you are the only person you can change. you can't change the past and living in it isn't healthy for you or anyone. take it day by day and try not to dwell on things you really have no control over......

[avowedo]

Get over it!! I have been in a verbally abusive marriage which I have been struggling to get away from. He got our finances in huge trouble behind my back and we lost everything. I had been ill and my job becoming defunct. He is on good income - so panic! I have no close family - lost dad and best friend this year! no money! rents high! food expensive! cars in his name! never been on gov. assist.in life! Aaarh!

He had an affair with a younge woman. I found out and went and met her. She had no idea we were still married. My kids said she was a younger me. Anyway she had already told him to go as did not like his tantrums.

What I am getting at is THIS. It has been years. You have had an otherwise good marriage. You have both worked hard at getting back on track. LET IT GO!!! You have a nice house I presume, nice kids, family. I know you keep thinking she must not have really loved me, but she IS with YOU. Quality of life for yourself and children is there for you. Take the good moments you have now and enjoy! Either of you could be dead tomorrow and then you would lose her anyway. She is not being abusive. She is not being nasty. I wish you both well I really do. Did you find out WHY she felt the need to go off. Something always missing in one's life. My mother long gone now used to have blatant affairs all my childhood which devasted my father but he would not leave. She did in end and I never saw her for years. I forgive her now because lathough I loved dad he never kissed, cuddled, discussed, took her out, told her she was pretty. He was a quiet hard working man - mum had had unhappy abusive childhood and needed affection and he just could not come to the party and you know what I am in a second marriage and I have married the same type of men as my father. GOOD LUCK BOTH OF YOU!

[orlando_husband]

ultimately you have to decide to forgive her. you are the only person you can change. you can't change the past and living in it isn't healthy for you or anyone. take it day by day and try not to dwell on things you really have no control over......


Thanks z71.

I do forgive her for the affair that she admitted, rarely think about it and never bring it up. She has shown me that she is genuinely sorry through her words and actions. The problem that dogs me to this day is that she has blown off the first one (the guy she met online and spent the weekend with as well as meeting him at a hotel another time). I feel like as long as she hides this from me, that we have a problem. I can only forgive what she admits but can never forget either one.

[SuckerFree]

Get over it!! I have been in a verbally abusive marriage which I have been struggling to get away from. He got our finances in huge trouble behind my back and we lost everything. I had been ill and my job becoming defunct. He is on good income - so panic! I have no close family - lost dad and best friend this year! no money! rents high! food expensive! cars in his name! never been on gov. assist.in life! Aaarh!

He had an affair with a younge woman. I found out and went and met her. She had no idea we were still married. My kids said she was a younger me. Anyway she had already told him to go as did not like his tantrums.

What I am getting at is THIS. It has been years. You have had an otherwise good marriage. You have both worked hard at getting back on track. LET IT GO!!! You have a nice house I presume, nice kids, family. I know you keep thinking she must not have really loved me, but she IS with YOU. Quality of life for yourself and children is there for you. Take the good moments you have now and enjoy! Either of you could be dead tomorrow and then you would lose her anyway. She is not being abusive. She is not being nasty. I wish you both well I really do. Did you find out WHY she felt the need to go off. Something always missing in one's life. My mother long gone now used to have blatant affairs all my childhood which devasted my father but he would not leave. She did in end and I never saw her for years. I forgive her now because lathough I loved dad he never kissed, cuddled, discussed, took her out, told her she was pretty. He was a quiet hard working man - mum had had unhappy abusive childhood and needed affection and he just could not come to the party and you know what I am in a second marriage and I have married the same type of men as my father. GOOD LUCK BOTH OF YOU!


So, because you got hosed by a man, he should just let it go. Many people say "just let it go", what they are failing to see is that they can't just let it go, that's the problem. Not knowing is the worst part. Obviously his wife didn't go to a man's hotel room to play checkers. I know 12 years is a long time, but man, this doesn't seem like a way I would wanna live. No trust, no respect, secrets, infidelity. You might wanna consider chalking this one up. Ask yourself how many more affairs is she going to have? How many has she had you don't know about? Their is no nice way for me to put this, but I think you are a sucker.

[MuffinMan]

Thanks z71.

I do forgive her for the affair that she admitted, rarely think about it and never bring it up. She has shown me that she is genuinely sorry through her words and actions. The problem that dogs me to this day is that she has blown off the first one (the guy she met online and spent the weekend with as well as meeting him at a hotel another time). I feel like as long as she hides this from me, that we have a problem. I can only forgive what she admits but can never forget either one.

But don't let your forgivness turn into naiveness. Don't let your guard down. She is still a cheat whether she is spreading her legs for another man or not.
And make no mistake, if she liked it enough to cheat on you, she still would like it, she just may have made the decision not to.

But also make no mistake, if she was presented with the perfect situation where she would never get caught, like with a stranger she'll never see again on a business trip or something, she WILL f#*k another man again.

I'm not saying this to be hurtful, its a fact.

You can take the woman away from wh0ring, but you can't take the wh0re out of the woman.

[orlando_husband]

I know 12 years is a long time, but man, this doesn't seem like a way I would wanna live. No trust, no respect, secrets, infidelity. You might wanna consider chalking this one up. Ask yourself how many more affairs is she going to have? How many has she had you don't know about? Their is no nice way for me to put this, but I think you are a sucker.


SuckerFree,

I can't argue with anything you said even the fact that I might be a sucker, but only time will tell. I have also asked myself many times each of the questions you did and can't say I have an answer to any of them.
The only reason we are still together is that she came to me and asked for a chance to prove herself and prove that she would never betray me again. I knew that I would have a tough time either way and I figured that I owed my marriage, my kids and even her at least that much. At least this time my eyes are wide open and it won't take me completely by surprise if she does cheat again. I hope for the best and stay ready for the worst, not an ideal situation but we are making it so far. Thanks for the words, I have read many of your posts and I truly respect your opinion and you outlook.

[orlando_husband]

But don't let your forgivness turn into naiveness. Don't let your guard down. She is still a cheat whether she is spreading her legs for another man or not.
And make no mistake, if she liked it enough to cheat on you, she still would like it, she just may have made the decision not to.

But also make no mistake, if she was presented with the perfect situation where she would never get caught, like with a stranger she'll never see again on a business trip or something, she WILL f#*k another man again.

I'm not saying this to be hurtful, its a fact.

You can take the woman away from wh0ring, but you can't take the wh0re out of the woman.

Thanks MuffinMan,

I will never be taken completely by surpise again. I know where she is all the time and what she is doing. Not a great way for her to live but it was part of the agreement when we got back together. I appreciate the advice.

[prex]

What I want but i can't have is some sort of redemption. I want my wife to tell me I'm the best, biggest, greatest, bestest of the best, but, dang it, you know in your heart of hearts that if you were so great why'd she leave?

Its agonyzing. You hope and pray its not some immutable physical characteristic, something he's got that you don't have, a way of thinking or of being romantic or sending that electric thrill through her body in a way you never could, or can. Imagining her anticipating their sexual encounters, getting excited by it, dreaming of him when she's sleeping next to you, moaning and writhing around. Did she look into his eyes as he entered her the first time? Did her eyes roll back into hear head with pleasure, as he pounded her? And so on and on and on.

If one could keep these types of thoughts at the forefront of your thinking we'd rid ourselves of these sociopaths most quick and move on. But the mind can't tolerate much of the above. You block it. You make up improbable scenarios where he was just so charming and a sensitive guy she gave him sex just to keep the attention around. But you know you're wrong. Its about the sex. If the other guy sucked at sex, she'd boot him.

Why does she keep you around? Who in the heck knows?An affair isn't an affair without your sad sap face moping around the house, blowing up her phone. Maybe you got something he doesn't. like money. Except now he has both your wife's body and your money. Get back to work, chump, he must think, as he dozes off to sleep in some seedy motel room you paid for, his seed all over lingere you bought for your wife. Or they look at some pathetic text message you send begging your love to come back, and she laughs and takes it in the rear just one more time before coming home and going into a beserk rage if you ask too many questions. Yep.

Think all those rotten thoughts she put in your head and take them to their logical conclusion. If I could ever love this demon again then one must be crazy and nothing matters. Or, you could slap her so hard you blacken her eye and leave a hand print on her face for five days. I just bet you thats satisfying in a way that you can never imagine, a moment you relive in your mind and cherish forever. Oh yeah. You could swear never to tell anyone anything about the affair, and then tell every single man woman child homeless person every sordid detail. Send a letter to her dad outlining every gut wrenching discovery his little precious daughter let you find, jizz filled underwear, motel receipts etc. Why should you have to bear this burden alone? You do make your cross lighter by making others heavier, at least in this situation. Burn all your bridges to this fiend and move on.

If you get along with her parents, stop it. You wouldn't buddy up to the parents of a guy who broke your legs with a baseball bat, would you? No, just on principle you wouldn't. And I'll bet you'd trade her cheating for a couple of broken legs, wouldn't you? So why stay buddy buddy with her parents? For the kids? Think she'll come back if mommy and daddy talk you up? Mommy and daddy's approval of any man is the instant kiss of death, so stop wasting your time and getting used. And if her dad is any kind of a man, all you remind him of is his ***** of a daughter. he doesn'twant you around.

So don't be around. But leave in a way that at least gives her a taste of misery, but not so deep it looks like you still care. Move somewhere new. Silently. Quickly. With no warning. Take it all. If she's a true ***** screw her in the most demeaning hateful way you know she hates, then boot her out the door naked into the street. Strap on those balls god gave you and let her know what time it is!

[MuffinMan]

I found out about my wife's affair about 5 months ago , she broke it off and has done a lot of work on our relationship , shown remorse but theres a lot of unanswered questions which i needed to know to move forward ...like how long it lasted , was she planning to leave me etc etc
The physical side of an affair is obvious , the emotional part and betrayal bothered me more
At some point you have to realise that the truth wont happen , they dont want to be reminded of reality of what they have done and resurface the guilty feelings - they bury it under the carpet and thats where they intend to leave it

And there is one of the biggest problems you have to tackle when staying with cheaters...I tackle this almost daily.
The cheater wants to sweep it under the carpet and never rehash it again. Oh sure, that works for them. They can forget about it because it wasn't them who were hurt in all of this. If anything, if they do look back on it, it more than likely puts a smile on their face.

But they expect their victims to just forget it. Sorry...doesn't work that way. They have done permanent damage that will never be forgotten.

If the cheated on ever throws it back in their face once in a while when it seems they are flirting too much, or want to go out with the "girls", they should understand...but too often the cheater gets mad. I say "tough sh!t"...they shouldn't have cheated and ruined a perfectly good relationship.

And no, they didn't cheat because there was something wrong with their partner....cheaters are just fickle and like the thrill of being f#cked by other people.

[MuffinMan]

Get over it!!

Maybe some people might not care after a long while, but guys who know the real score will never completely get over it.

Get over knowing another mans schlong was sliding in and out of your wife and she was liking it? And if she has been faithful since, make no mistake, she would STILL love another man's d!ck inside her. Its like alcoholism...you still want a drink, your still an alcoholic, you just chose not to drink anymore.

And if the perfect situation presented itself, say with a stranger on a business trip far away that she'd never see again, she WILL cheat.

So there is really nothing to get over. Like in my situation. I will NEVER get over it, all I can do is adjust my behavior and concentrate on other things...like my sons, work on my house, yard, I go to the gym every single day on lunch....and now I will be going out next spring and buying my dream car, a 1969 Roadrunner.

[MuffinMan]

Thanks MuffinMan,

I will never be taken completely by surpise again. I know where she is all the time and what she is doing. Not a great way for her to live but it was part of the agreement when we got back together. I appreciate the advice.

Not a problem. And don't think in any way that you are controlling. Someone said it best on this forum that it is reasonable to expect her to act like a wife and not a single college girl.

And SHE is the one that f#cked all of this up, not you. Sorry for the language, but I truly think that profanity gets a point across better sometimes.

What is it someone said once, "profanity is the product of an unsophisticated mind"...?? F#ck them. LOL.