advice on how to go on

[qldguy]

Hi Guys,
This is the first time i've come to the web for advice but i figured it's a big world out there with lots of worldly experiences & advice so here goes.

My wife & i have been together for 10 years now. We have 2 kids 6 & 8, a secure financial portfolio, & secure jobs that we both love. We've supported each other with everything we want in life, career ect.

Now for the problems. In March i found out that she'd been having an affair with one of her work mate since the previous october. It only ended after i found out about them otherwise i have no doubt it'll still be going on. It started as "friends" chatting about life etc & of course went onto sexual, lunch sessions at his place & nights at my place when i was out of town or working nights. She's always had a very low sexual libido which was the first suprise considering she was the on who started it by spontainisly performing oral sex on him & it went on from there a couple of time a week.

We've gone to counceling (waste of time). She's very remorseful & sorry & wants to be with me. My problem is i've always believed "once a cheater always a cheater" & i can't trust or forgive her for the lies humiliation etc, & wondering how "thing" where don is driving me nuts.

In a nutshell, has anyone got any advice in what to do, stay or leave?
I still do love her but can't look at her the same way & i'm worried about my little ones.

Thanks

[elainegayla]

This is a judgement call only you can make.

Many of us on here have stayed with our cheaters and its a tough road to go ...but so is divorce ...especially if you have kids.

Your post doesn't sound that angry/hurt to me. Some people (maybe you) can get over the betrayal fairly easily. Not saying that you are unfeeling...you just seem calmer than most new posters.

If you stay, you will probably always have doubts in the back of your mind. Its never gonna be completely gone (in my opinion). But its something you can take a fatalistic attitude about and go about living your life.

Unfortunately, your life will never be the same no matter what you do.

[qldguy]

Thanks
I think i've gone past the really angry stage, i think i'm only staying because i don't know what to about the kids, as for her i'm not sure how i feel i obviously hate her for what she did 7 the reasons she did it but i'de like to go on with her not sure if i can. My self worth, manhood etc have all been crushed.

[orlando_husband]

This is a judgement call only you can make.

Many of us on here have stayed with our cheaters and its a tough road to go ...but so is divorce ...

I agree, this statement sums it up pretty well. Either way it will be tough but if you love her and truly feel there is any hope at all you almost have to give it a shot. If you don't then you will have regrets later.

[ChicagoTRS]

I would say at least she seems remorseful and ended the affair. That is better than many on here get to experience. You can never 100% trust her again. But...people make mistakes...if she is truly sorry and does not do it again it seems like it may be worth trying to fight through for the sake of the kids.

Only you know what you can forgive and get past.

[numbfromheadtotoe]

Does she still work with this person?

[qldguy]

Thank you all.
We have moved town to try & start a new life so she doesn't work with him anymore.
As for the trust thing you're all right i can't. I still work the occasional nights & it drives me crazy while at work wondering if or when she may start again. Like a mate told me though, she did it in lunch hours during the day as well so i'm in a no win situation as far as my thoughts go

[jnj express]

there is no reason to stay in a bad marriage just for the kids------------------sometimes split households that have no torment, doubt, hurt, arguments, and non-love are way better off for the kids--------------------HOW IS IT THAT YOU CAN LOVE SOMEONE WHO DID THIS TO YOU--------------please explain, i will never understand how one continues to love someone who so disrespected them, laughed at them, and dumped all over them for that is what She did to you------------------how can you still love her------------sure she shows remorse what else would she do---------------WHERE WAS SHE GOING TO GO-------ON HER OWN------------OUT INTO THE WORLD----------------------NOT A CHANCE--------------SHE HAS YOU--------------WHAT MUST SHE DO TO STAY WITH YOU ( HER MEALTICKET) show remorse------------------------EASY ENOUGH TO DO, SHE HAS WHAT SHE WANTS, AND YOU HAVE PAIN SUFFERING, AND DOUBT-----------------SO WHERE IS THE LOVE, PLEASE EXPLAIN IT TO ME

[elainegayla]

I'm not sure love enters into it. At least for me, I no longer believe in love. I think is an evolutionary tool/instinctual/hormonal to encourage us to procreate and keep the human race going. Love is for the young and niave.

I know how that sounds,,, but I believe that (now).

So given that belief, I have stayed with my cheater b/c I figured such a high percentage of people cheat...chances are I'll just get another one...and this one is the father of my kids...and its easier to stay...the hurt is pretty much gone...if I have sex with him its with protection... I don't think I can get hurt again...b/c I don't think I'm capable of it emotionally anymore.

There is no fighting in our house... when we are together as a family I expect and get a respectful husband and a good father. When he isn't here...oh well...he'll do what he wants and I can't live my life worrying about it. I'll know when I need to know, what I need to know.

All I can do is be a good mother, look out for their future, and accept the fact that I can't undo anything or prevent anything and I'll deal with life as it comes. When his presence in our lives becomes a problem I will divorce him.

He knows that and only he can decide whether or not being a full-time part of our lives is worth it being a person worthy of being in our lives. If anything (sex, drugs, alcohol, work, golf, friends) become more important to him then his family (the only people in his life that stood by him when he didn't deserve it), he knows he is out of here.

Its his choice and his lose. He can decide to leave and live a shallow but admittedly exciting lifestyle or he can stay and be apart of something bigger than HIS and HIS selfish needs. If he leaves I'll only feel pity for him. He will be out in the cold. He will lose the best thing he ever had. If he is too stupid to realize that...its not my problem.

In many ways this whole issue has made me into a person I don't recognize. I hated it at first and still long to BELIEVE in the fantasy.

But now I do not compromise myself or who I am. I am stronger and expect/demand much much more than I ever did. I demand better for me and my kids. I feel better about myself. I feel more capable. I feel strong.

[jnj express]

hey EG---------------------i see what you say------------------but you basically are passionless, and loveless, i think sex for you is like eating, it must be done to satisfy a need------------------do you really want to go thru the rest of your days like this, with a H. on the cusp, and you not really caring --------------------i know what you say about love---------------i will never understand how people say they love someone after they have been cheated on------------the cheater doesn't love them, the cheater knows exactly what he/ she is doing---------------and you can't love someone if you are off with someone else----------------even one night stands----------------how do you go off and do a one night stand and profess love of your partner, and how can the cheated partner love someone who would go have sex with someone they knew for maybe 20 minutes before going and having the sex, and totally disrespecting their vows, husband, children, and families, please someone explain that to me

[MuffinMan]

Hi Guys,
This is the first time i've come to the web for advice but i figured it's a big world out there with lots of worldly experiences & advice so here goes.

My wife & i have been together for 10 years now. We have 2 kids 6 & 8, a secure financial portfolio, & secure jobs that we both love. We've supported each other with everything we want in life, career ect.

Now for the problems. In March i found out that she'd been having an affair with one of her work mate since the previous october. It only ended after i found out about them otherwise i have no doubt it'll still be going on. It started as "friends" chatting about life etc & of course went onto sexual, lunch sessions at his place & nights at my place when i was out of town or working nights. She's always had a very low sexual libido which was the first suprise considering she was the on who started it by spontainisly performing oral sex on him & it went on from there a couple of time a week.

We've gone to counceling (waste of time). She's very remorseful & sorry & wants to be with me. My problem is i've always believed "once a cheater always a cheater" & i can't trust or forgive her for the lies humiliation etc, & wondering how "thing" where don is driving me nuts.

In a nutshell, has anyone got any advice in what to do, stay or leave?
I still do love her but can't look at her the same way & i'm worried about my little ones.

Thanks

You are correct to think "once a cheater always a cheater" because its true.
Someone may physically be able to stop cheating, but they never stop WANTING to. And I know, you sit there wondering what they did, how they did it...you get to thinking about her being pleasured by another man and all that. I know. This is why my wife is now not allowed to go out with friends anymore. Call it controlling, but she is the one that messed that up, not me.

As far as to stay or leave, its up to you. I'll just tell you what I am doing. I stayed, but only for my kids. Some people will say that is the wrong reason, but they need me and I need them. My wife is now not allowed to act like a college floosey any longer. I remind her she is married and she can kiss going to bars with friends goodbye forever. If she doesn't like it, she knows where the door is and she can leave WITHOUT the kids. No way if we ever get divorced am I going to let a morally bankrupt woman influence my children.
Basically the atmosphere is shifted, the ball is in my court and will stay there.
I will never trust her again, our relationship on the outside is ok, but she is no longer the woman I fell in love with. But then again I found out 7 years too late.

So its up to you, if you think you can divorce regardless of the kids, then do it...I just couldn't, but that is me. If it weren't for the kids, I'd be divorced by now.

[MuffinMan]

Thanks
I think i've gone past the really angry stage, i think i'm only staying because i don't know what to about the kids, as for her i'm not sure how i feel i obviously hate her for what she did 7 the reasons she did it but i'de like to go on with her not sure if i can. My self worth, manhood etc have all been crushed.

Not me, I am angry almost every day about it, although most of the time nobody knows it.
Some say its not healthy, but actually it is...I take that anger to the gym, to my martial arts class...I look better now at 38 than I ever did at 20...the anger forces me to work on my house, I am getting alot done. My love has shifted from my wife to my house and my lawn...LOL. But most of all, to my kids.

[elainegayla]

I hear ya, I have totally shifted my thoughts and actions away from my husband. My whole life no longer evolves around him. I love it. Its liberating. I get a lot more done.

Also, I have kids and there is not a doubt in my mind that if I didn't, I'd be divorced. Probably would have been even before I found out he is cheating. And truthfully, he probably would have wanted a divorce, too.

Plus, I wouldn't remarry with young kids anyway. So as far as having no adult love in my life, I wouldn't if I got divorced either.

As a woman, I worried if I got divorced my "morally bankrupt" husband would have the kids on weekends and holidays without me (and probably some skank ***** at his side!) NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just think about all the woman in history (Jackie O) that stayed with their cheating husbands. Obviously, we get something out of it. Not love. But something (different for everyone). I feel I am putting my kids first.

I guess we don't get to live perfect lives. It takes awhile to come to terms with that.

Maybe some people "love" their cheaters. They must be better people than me. Its not a feeling I've had since the iniatial panic/shock wore off. Sometimes I lay in bed trying to dredge up that feeling. It shocks me that it isn't there. Its weird b/c I have been with my husband since 16 (married at 26). I was actually worried I would be stupid and still love him. But no, its just gone. Not a twinge.

[jnj express]

hey EG---------------are you registered on www.survivinginfidelity.com/------------i would really like to get your opinions on various subjects, and they allow private messaging within their forums---its not e-mail but it is kept private so the whole internet doesn't look in on your converstions----------post up here if you decide to do so, and let me know if you are going to register with same name as here you do not have to tell your story there if you don't want t (when you set up your profile) and you may find that site very interesting, as there is a very large amount of posting over there , if you don't go there then i will try to keep shooting the breeze with you here

[elainegayla]

I sent you a PM on this site. If you want my e-mail I'll give that, too. Just send me a private message on here.

[jnj express]

hey E G--------------i think i screwed up----------check your private i sent you a reply but i think i typed it in the wrong place----------------am i supposed to put my answer right behind your message in the large box(don't look at me like i'm an idiot which i think i am) and then send that cuz when i sent the message i did type to you i got a recipeint never found------i think i am really screwing this up-------------please help

[Skirtchaser]

that one's simple, jnj.
Some people can live with the cheater. They have a stable life otherwise and are not willing to give it up. Like elaine said she might find another one who does the same. She really believes this and I can't say that is wrong for her. He will do it again elaine only when that time comes he won't be as easy to catch. One night stands have more of a chance repairing the damage to the marriage. It's usually motivated out of lust only. When the cheating partner starts planning, new place to live, buying gifts, this is a clue to them giving the most sacred parts of their spouse's part of their marriage. When this starts the chances are slim that the marriage can ever be repaired. Counseling only helps the offended partner. If the cheater is not remorseful and willing to make up for the things they have done you can counsel all you want. End result is divorce. If there is remorse and willingness to communicate openly, then there is hope. This can be done without a counsler. For those who have been hurt and end the marriage, All are not the same, There is someone for everyone, Don't stop looking because you were hurt.