Update...still need some advice

[Misled]

I posted a little while ago on here and suckerfree had some good advice. Looking for some more....

Since this whole thing started with the pictures, text messages and other BS i have been going nuts. Doctor put me on meds for depression/anxiety, just about went to the nut house on that crap.

I have sat my wife down and explained the whole senario with what i found pics, text messages, condoms missing from house (she says they were for one of her girl friends and she would bring them back if i didn't believe her). She always keeps on denying that she is having an affair. I can't really expect her to tell me yes, that would be too easy. There have been many a nights that she is out with just the "girls", but she also tells me that she i going out with some of her "guy friends" from work....that gets by BP up.

Her whole idea for this thing is to get seperated for a while and then try to work this out. I at first thought that it may be a good idea to, but when she just hops up and buys a house it leaves me questioning things. Financially it was one of the stupidest things to do just because on the small chance that we may work it out...we have two houses. On the other hand i think that it may be so she can spend time with this guy (if there is one..still a toss up) and see if the grass is really greener on the other side.

Now tonight is going to be our first counceling session as a couple. I have gone 3 times before by myself. She would not attend because she said that she didn;t think it would do any good. Now she is all the sudden willing to go to see how we can work this thing out once we are seperated (she doesn;t settle on new house for a month).

I guess my main question is get out now or try to make this work....she says that she still loves me, but i tell her i would like some kind of hope that she actually wants to make this thing work, not just drag it out while she "explores" other options. I have expressed to her that i hate when she goes out with her guy friends because it is slapping me in the face. I have been faithfull throughout this whole situation and have remained on the positive even when eveything has pointed to the obvious.

Just a side note...i know lots of people have gone through something similar. How the heck can i get my physical (lost 20 pounds of my 150) or the mental (sleeping 3-4 hours per night, constant thoughts) back on track. I feel that if i don't do something besides the lousey depression meds i will be in a nut house real soon. Suggestions for a non medical way to releave some pressure and get my appetite back would be greatly appreciated.

"The greatest rewards come from the things that scare you the most"

[Skirtchaser]

It's good she is willing to go to the session with you. And the new pad, I'm wondering if she is realizing what the cost of it is now and can she afford it?
But why move she has her cake and can eat it too. You are being too permissive about her "outings". If she wanted to work it out she would respect your feelings. I don't think she does from what you've said here. I could not except this, and for myself If she wants to go out she should be with you. Since the questions have arose she should be sensitive to your feelings. As long as she does'nt, not much of a marriage. I think your holding on to it and she is not. If she is not willing to stop these outings and spend her time with you, time for a real change. Give the sessions a chance and demand her to stop. If not. Time to go.

[ChicagoTRS]

The problem is you cannot control her and she is going to do whatever she wants to do. You need to stop worrying about what she is doing and start worrying about yourself. Sounds like you are falling to pieces. Stop worrying about her...start paying attention to your health and well being...start eating right...start exercising...find something to do to take your mind off of things...not only will this benefit you in the longrun it probably is your best chance to get your marriage back on track...who wants to come back to a train wreck. Even if your marriage fails and least you will be healthy and feel good about yourself.

I recommend the books Divorce Busters or Divorce Remedy...

[Misled]

Thanks for the advice...

The session with the counselor went ok at best. Even there with a neutral party, i was made out to be the bad guy and this was mostly my fault. He mentioned the fact that i am in these mood swings/depression is due to the fact that she hasn't shown any positive vibes torwards working this out except for going to the counceling. He recomended that i try to be in a good mood and see if in the next 5 weeks i can show her what she does mean to me. I have no problem trying to cope with the situation and put on a happy face, but is it all for not??

I still have this intuition that she is seeing someone else. I know you guys posted to try and not worry about it, but the mixed signals are tough to handle. Which ones to believe and which ones not to. Does she want to actually try to work it out or am i just getting drug along for a more painful road till she finds out what she was looking for was what she had??


Skirtchaser: I have made her aware that the going out all of the time is hurting me and showas me she has no respect for my feelings, yet they still continue. Her thoughts are that she needs to get away from it all/me so she can think about what she wants to do. I would think that after about a month of going out with friends she would have some progress on the situation and give me an idea of if she really wants to work it out. I mentioned it to her and she says wait till we are actually seperated and then i will know what i am starting to feel. Is that just a BS line for i want to keep ****in* this other guy and see if it goes anywhere or truth in the fact that she wants to work it out??

[markus]

If she's gone and bought another house i would admit defeat
move on ...she's an arsehole

[Icon73]

It’s a two way street. If you are having concerns about your relationship she should be on her best behavior and not going out and causing you distress. She may not even be cheating on you but from what you have said it sounds like she loves you only when it its convenient. No matter how you feel about her no relationship can overcome a partner who is not doing their part.

My wife cheated on me I found out and we are going to counseling. We are working on it together. She has been on her best behavior and she is really trying to earn my trust back. I told her it is not going to happen overnight, it is going to take a lot of time ( it’s been three months) it may be years.

Take care of yourself. If you’re not happy a loving partner will not be happy. Hope you get through the other side of this. I know it’s a wild ride.

[Misled]

I understand what you are talking about, but to try and be happy knowing that your wife of 3 yrs (together 8) is buying a house and moving out makes it tough. I have expressed over and over again that i want to make it work and i get no expression from her.

The other thing is her getting this house is contingent on me taking over the current house mortgage, and giving her half our equity, both our names are on it. It is going to be a financial nightmare for me since she had paid the utilities. I really feel like not remortgaging just to screw her, but i still want to make it work.......good god is this a good start to a mental meltdown!!!!!

I had a good freind put it to me like this.....Peanut Butter is good with everything, jelly, marshmallow, whatever. Once in a while you do get a bad jar of peanut butter and his advice is to throw this one out and get a new one.

I understand completely what he is saying but how do you get over the anguish that you feel and the love that i still have for her. It is not easy to jus throw out 8 years, and i don't want to, but when it is a one way street with me being the only one who REALLY wants to work on it i toss and turn every single night thinking about what i should do...

[logan944t]

I hate to tell you dude -- but this extra house thing -- dumb idea. Apartment yes -- house no. She is planning the long walk and you are financing it. I know it hurts and you are trying to save something here -- but don't be an idiot. She can live just as well in an appartment.

[confused]

you are pitiful a bit.

I'm sorry...but its true.

i KNOW ITS HARD. and we KNOW YOU WANT IT TO WORK. and we KNOW YOU ARE LOSING SLEEP AND WEIGHT ETC.

but come ON DUDE!!!! wake the F-U-C-K up and get your new jar of friggin peanut butter.

you NEED to concentrate on YOU. you NEED to get busy with a friggin hobby...you NEED to ask for overtime hours...you NEED to get online and find "self help" books on HOW TO MOVE PAST THE AFFAIR.......you NEED to work on YOU.

and yes...DONT REMORTGAGE.;

i have an inlaw.....who seperated from her hubby....becuz she found after a decade that she really wasn't "in love" with him...he was more of a friend *bull****, and all the family know it..she's selfish*

anyhow...bottom line...is that she DID buy a house....and she did it with the re-mortgaged house they shared together.

now? her soon to be exhubby is struggling so bad to continue paying a mortgage that is now 100k HIGHER than before...and of course now on his pay alone and not hers to accompany it. he will probably lose the house.

she? is not doing well either...and it serves her right....she will also probably have to take on a second job.

BUT....her house? was bought AFTER the remortgage of the other...and after a YEAR of being seperated.

if your wife went out and bought a house like NOW? no renting a room for $500 first.......etc...? well F-U-C-K her!

you do the re-mortgage on YOUR TERMS.

bottom line is the seperation isn't even filed.....are you LEGALLY SEPERATED yet? and if you're not...then you do NOT HAVE TO MAKE IT EASY FOR HER...and you do NOT have to remortgage.

DONT DO IT.

[MuffinMan]

I posted a little while ago on here and suckerfree had some good advice. Looking for some more....

Since this whole thing started with the pictures, text messages and other BS i have been going nuts. Doctor put me on meds for depression/anxiety, just about went to the nut house on that crap.

I have sat my wife down and explained the whole senario with what i found pics, text messages, condoms missing from house (she says they were for one of her girl friends and she would bring them back if i didn't believe her). She always keeps on denying that she is having an affair. I can't really expect her to tell me yes, that would be too easy. There have been many a nights that she is out with just the "girls", but she also tells me that she i going out with some of her "guy friends" from work....that gets by BP up.

Her whole idea for this thing is to get seperated for a while and then try to work this out. I at first thought that it may be a good idea to, but when she just hops up and buys a house it leaves me questioning things. Financially it was one of the stupidest things to do just because on the small chance that we may work it out...we have two houses. On the other hand i think that it may be so she can spend time with this guy (if there is one..still a toss up) and see if the grass is really greener on the other side.

Now tonight is going to be our first counceling session as a couple. I have gone 3 times before by myself. She would not attend because she said that she didn;t think it would do any good. Now she is all the sudden willing to go to see how we can work this thing out once we are seperated (she doesn;t settle on new house for a month).

I guess my main question is get out now or try to make this work....she says that she still loves me, but i tell her i would like some kind of hope that she actually wants to make this thing work, not just drag it out while she "explores" other options. I have expressed to her that i hate when she goes out with her guy friends because it is slapping me in the face. I have been faithfull throughout this whole situation and have remained on the positive even when eveything has pointed to the obvious.

Just a side note...i know lots of people have gone through something similar. How the heck can i get my physical (lost 20 pounds of my 150) or the mental (sleeping 3-4 hours per night, constant thoughts) back on track. I feel that if i don't do something besides the lousey depression meds i will be in a nut house real soon. Suggestions for a non medical way to releave some pressure and get my appetite back would be greatly appreciated.

"The greatest rewards come from the things that scare you the most"

Of course she wants to get separated for "a while". That way she can f*#k anyone she wants and still get to come back to you and tell you what you want to hear so as to not break up the family for good.

I say just divorce this woman. No offense, she sounds like a real tramp. She obviously has no respect for you. I say just divorce her...by her BUYING another house that is a sign that she has no intention of really working this out.

Just remember...everything in a divorce will be split 50/50...so make sure anything she accumulates in her name you get a cut of.

[MuffinMan]

Thanks for the advice...

The session with the counselor went ok at best. Even there with a neutral party, i was made out to be the bad guy and this was mostly my fault. He mentioned the fact that i am in these mood swings/depression is due to the fact that she hasn't shown any positive vibes torwards working this out except for going to the counceling. He recomended that i try to be in a good mood and see if in the next 5 weeks i can show her what she does mean to me. I have no problem trying to cope with the situation and put on a happy face, but is it all for not???

That is utter bullsh*t. Don't listen to this hack. He/she is full of it. You are not to blame here. SHE IS. Its because she can't handle being with the same man for the rest of her life. She is fickle...PERIOD.
Yes, putting on a happy face is all for not...it won't stop her from desiring to f*#k other guys.

[MuffinMan]

I hate to tell you dude -- but this extra house thing -- dumb idea. Apartment yes -- house no. She is planning the long walk and you are financing it. I know it hurts and you are trying to save something here -- but don't be an idiot. She can live just as well in an appartment.

Or here is a thought....dont finance it at all. Get a lawyer, make sure she pays for her own damn house.

[littlered]

Okay...I'll be as gentle here as I can be...but reading what you're going through is hard...

It sounds to me like she has lost all respect for you because you have lost it for YOURSELF. She sounds to me like a selfish little b*tch who wants YOU to finance her getting her groove on. Hell yeah, you're depressed. It hurts like hell to have someone you THOUGHT loved you walk on you like a doormat. But you have to lay down for them to keep walking on you. GET UP OFF THAT FLOOR, MAN!

SHE ruined this relationship, not you, yet YOU seem to be the only party interested in getting things back on track. Wrong, wrong, wrong. She definitely isn't sorry for what she did...just sorry she got caught. And she wants to mess with your finances? Nope. Shut her down.

This counselor you're seeing doesn't sound like he's worth a crap. Telling you to try "putting on a happy face???" Lousy advice.

Like I said, it's time for YOU to respect YOU. Find another counselor. Protect your money. Look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I deserve much better than this. And I demand much better than this." And then go do it.

[elainegayla]

I agree...don't refinance your house...don't do anything with the finances until you contact a divorce attorney...you need to protect yourself financially.

Just b/c you talk to a divorce attorney doesn't mean you have to/will get divorced.

She either doesn't have any intention of working things out or she is trying to decide between you and another man.

See marriagebuilders.com if you want to snap her out of it. Its a ton of material but it gives you a plan of action...that may help you feel more in control and less helpless.

Also, I have a real bad knee and have to be careful to not overdo things (in other words, I was in terrible shape) but what REALLY helped me is jogging/running. I got to the point I could/did run 6 miles 4 or 5 times a week. It helped me physically and emotionally. I had lots of time to think or I'd listen to my MP3 player and not think at all. I've heard it gets chemicals into your brain that make you feel better and I believe it. Plus you will look great which gives your ego a much needed boost.

And I try to do something nice for myself as often as possible. I have no idea what that would be for a man...golfing? fishing? going to a sports event? buying something just for you that you always wanted?

So when people say "take care of yourself" they mean...exercise, eat right, treat yourself kindly, go to a therapists just for you/alone, don't let her take advantage of you financially, connect with your friends (try not to be alone all the time), etc.

Good luck!

[jnj express]

your wife thinks she is single--------------she is out with her friends, male or female makes no difference-------------she IS DOING WHAT SINGLE PEOPLE DO, but guess what SHE IS MARRIED SHE EVEN TOOK VOWS TO THAT EFFECT----------------------ok, if she doesn't want to go out exclusively with you , because THAT IS WHAT SHE IS SUPPOSED TO DO, IF SHE IS MARRIED----------------and if she doesn't want to follow the married script------------------then cut her loose, get your divorce and go onto a better life-------------------you can't still be in love with someone, who disrespects you and treats you like ****--------------divorce, and move on

[Skirtchaser]

I agree do not remortgage. I firmly believe there is someone for everyone.
There is someone out there who will not cheat on you, that will consider your feelings and return your love. Do not make it easy for her to move out, let nature take it's course. Hey why not get out and use your time to see if this is really what you want. You may be surprised at what you find if you get out in the world. What ever you do, dont fall for the first one on the rebound. I'm sorry to say this to you because it's not what you want to hear. I think the end is near and she will take you to the cleaners if you let her. If she leaves and I was right you will be better prepared to meet that new someone. If it does work out in the long run you will not have the remortgage to have to deal with. Good luck.

[markus]

This situation is as obvious as it gets ....... She's baffling you with bullsh*t untill she gets you to sign the paperwork and then she will be saying 'See ya ..woudn't wanna be Ya '

You need our financial advisor Suckerfree on the case ;)

[Misled]

Well....you guys may all be a little disappointed....i did remortgage. Although with the remortgage i did get a notarized paperwork stateing that she is only getting 1/2 (actually less ;-) ) and that she would not take me for any alimony or spousal support. It makes me feel good that i will only loose about 45% of my equity in the house and nothing more. Fianancially it is gonna hurt a little, but on the other hand we are still married and she now has a house that i can get half of since there is nothing writen down about it being only hers.....

I have been trying the "happy face" thing and it does work to get some more response from her, but there still is that awquardness between us. I still am not sure how things will go. I do want to believe she wants seperated to work on things, but on the other hand i am not sure if she is doing it to slap me in the face.

I think that i will see what the next 4 weeks bring till she moves out. If things are not any better by then, i feel that it will just be a lost cause....if i haven't gotten any info from her that she does want to try to make it work. She thinks she needs time to think about it appart. To me this meens that she wants to keep trying the single life.

I know some of you guys think the counselor was a waste, and i agree to it somewhat, but it is the only time where i can get her to sit down and actually open up to someone else. Keep going, or am i throwing money out the door???

I have made a note of starting to work out again and start eating a little better, even putting more effort into my work to get my mind off of it. I actually gained a whole 2 pounds back in the last week, feeling alittle better.

It still keeps me up a little at night and i still think about it during the day, but not as much. Although i still havent given up the "search" for evidence that would put the final nail in the coffin and give me some colsure and the ability to throw her the door!!!!!

[littlered]

I do hope you have a really great attorney that is looking over EVERY piece of paper....some paper protects your interests better than others.
As for this counselor...I would find a different one. Tell your wife you want a "second opinion" just as you would do if you got a serious diagnosis from a doctor. I know, it's the only way you can get her to sit down and talk, but if she's really serious about working things out she will go. If not, you will know that it's just a line she's using.
GOOD to hear that you are doing things for YOU--keep it up. YOU are your number one priority now, not she.
And here are some things to ask yourself:

What matters more to me? What SHE thinks of me, or what *I* think of me?
Would I treat a dear friend the way she has treated me? Would she put up with this if *I* did this to her?

This is not meant to beat you up. I wanna PROP you up. You sound like a great guy who needs to realize he deserves better. Good luck.

[Skirtchaser]

niche the counselor, save your money , party's over fella, the game is over and they are turning out the stadium lights. Time for you to find a new game. You do need to dust off and quit holding on to those thoughts of her coming back. Get on with your life and divorce the ungrateful *****. There's someone out there who won't do you that way, Go find them. Good luck.

[SuckerFree]

Do you want more advice, or do you only want advice that you wanna hear?