Need advice fast,Maybe headed towards divorce!!!

[blkbird]

My wife and I have been together for 10 years and we've had our ups and downs like any couple(no Infidelty,yet) last year she started going back to school to earn her master's. I've supported her to the best of my ablity bascially turning into mr.mom while holding down my own job. I notice that the time or attention she has for me seemed to be waining and I know that was to be expected with how busy she is but her phone calls to me decreased she stopped saying she loved me and while the sex was still there it became more aggresive.
Two months ago I came home from work and she was on her cell phone I kissed her and casually asked who she was talking to. she wavied me away(very strange) then she walks upstairs and locks the bedroom door and proceeds to talk for another half hour(even stanger still). After her phone conversation I asked how was on the phone she said it was a mutual friend of ours so I say okay no big deal(locked door thing still strange).
After month of Subsequent cell phone calls and locked door conversations that feeling in my gut begain to bother me. one late night(11:45) while my wife was asleep and i was working on the computer her cell phone rang the display said "School" so i picked it up thinking it was one of her female study partners but to my surprise it was a MAN: asking to speak to my wife! I told him that she was asleep and he sounded angry when he hung up. I asked my wife about it and she said it was a study partner but refused to give me his name but I know all of her study partners are female and they don't live in the area code the caller was calling from.
So now red flags are popping up all over the place because I was a single guy for a long time and I know the only time I called a woman that late at night was to aquire"Carnel Activities". So after a time of James Bond like stealthness on her part she finally came "clean" about who she's been talking to. The mystery man is some young guy she met at a gas station and she claims that it is just freindly conversation nothing else. She also claims that the only time they've seen each other is when she met him at the gas station. She contuines to talk to him and makes me feel guilty for getting upset claiming that if I don't trust her then we will never work out but my can't seem to shake it. Last week she got a bladder infection,strange because in the ten years i've known her she has never had a bladder infection. Is she right is saying that she should be able to take to anyone she wants to? Am I wrong for feeling jelous or an I ignoring the obvious. What should I do? I've told her that her "friendship" with this guy is casuing me pain and if I was more important to her than him she should understand my pain and stop the "conversations" but she says she should have the freedom to talk and I'm just insecure. I'm can't live like this and that is why I would like an outide perspective. What is going on? should I just accept this or cut my losses and run? Thank you for any help or perspective you can give me.

[numbfromheadtotoe]

Does your wife or this guy work at the gas station? If not, there is no reason in the world that he should have her number if they just met while "pumping" gas.

[blkbird]

No. My wife does not work at a gas station she's a teacher. She claims that he approached her to be in a documentary about what I don't know and she "can't remember". She says that she wants us to stay together but she should have the right to talk to anyone she wants to and that I should trust her. My position is she's always complaing that she doesn't have time for this or for that then why add another person to the mix that will take up even more of her little time? Am I just being paranoid?

[markus]

blkbird your going through a stage of denial ... i was there once
Its pure obvious that your with is cheating but you try to believe them to avoid what comes next ..... Devastation

we've had our ups and downs like any couple(no Infidelty,yet)

If your wife locking herself in a bedroom with a mobile phone is not infidelity ..i dont know what is
A person with nothing to hide doesn't hide anything !

What is going on? should I just accept this or cut my losses and run? Thank you for any help or perspective you can give me.

Never accept behaviour like this , she's using you as a door mat
the more you allow her to give you this kind off bullsh*t the worst it will get
next she will be bringing men into your home like you dont exist
She's lost the plot man

You need a serious talk with this b:tch ... and if she's not willing to put the effort in then its time to walk

[blkbird]

Thanks markus for the insight. In my heart of hearts I know something's going on but sometimes when the house is on fire from the outside you can't see it from the inside. When I try to talk to her about the situation she gets really pissed but knowing what I belive to be true what should my next step be? Anyone out there offering advice?

[markus]

To move onto the next stage you need to catch her , she needs to know the game is over
then you will have talking to do - if she continues being unreasonable and wont talk then pack your bags ... theres plenty more beaver on the river bank

Do you have children ?

[confused]

I've told her that her "friendship" with this guy is casuing me pain and if I was more important to her than him she should understand my pain and stop the "conversations" but she says she should have the freedom to talk and I'm just insecure.

Wow. You are a "nice guy" OR...you are wanting to A-P-P-E-A-R nice on this forum. Because if THIS was how MY MAN approached ME? I'd laugh and take total control of him as well.

Is this "truly" how you approached her? GROW SOME BALLS...and get STRONG AND TOUGH on her. Meaning.....don't say "you're causing me pain"...you simply tell her...."STOP TALKING TO THE DUDE OR WE'RE DONE"....then? leave.

Bottom line tho....is that she won't stop talking to the dude...becuz it's gone too far already.....and there is something more there than friendship. WHY IS SHE GOING BEHIND LOCKED DOORS.???? TO TALK ON THE PHONE?????/

this is NO WAY for a spouse to act. PERIOD. Wife OR husband. UN-ACCEPTABLE!!!!

[confused]

Okay...so to get to where you are now.....(in conversation).....MY OPINION?

You don't need to catch her. (It would be nice...but good lord....look at toots on this site....its taking FOREVER to "catch" the culprit).

Personally i couldn't live with that feeling in the pit of my stomach for very long.

To me? enough is enough when my SPOUSE is behind locked doors talking to someone of the opposite sex.

Period.

Unacceptable. So my approach would be the same as if i caught her. i would just say "I'm not happy, you're obviously not either, so it's time to talk about going our seperate ways".

and then...see where her head is at. If she is like "yeah, i know what you mean, i'll move out tomorrow". Then LET HER GO.

if she's like "what? i thought we were happy? when did you become unhappy?"

well..then that's the cue to begin your dialog.....and DONT BE THE NICE GUY. DONT USE THE WORD "PAIN" (thats dr. phil stuff). just TELL her that its unacceptable. put her in YOUR shoes. YOU start taking phone calls and locking the bathroom door.

[MuffinMan]

Does your wife or this guy work at the gas station? If not, there is no reason in the world that he should have her number if they just met while "pumping" gas.

Bingo...that says it all. This guys wife gives her cell phone number out to a guy at a gas station?

She is sleeping with him...and if she isn't, she is planning too.

My advice to this guy is, if they don't have kids...get rid of her.

[ChicagoTRS]

Very very very good chance she is sleeping with him or at least planning too...she is using all of the tricks...trying to make you feel guilty...ignoring the the pain she is clearly causing you...a lot of changes in behavior...she is playing games with you. Don't stand for it. Don't trust her...you may think you know your wife but if she is in an affair she will look you square in the eyes and lie her ass off and then she will lie some more. Take a hard line approach now...the longer she is in it the harder it will be to pull her away...

[tomasingm]

This is how the conversation goes,

You: Hello

Sancho: Yeah is XXXX there..??

You: Who the **** is this?!!!?? This is my woman call her agian and you will be one sorry ass mother ****er, then I would proceed to **** my gun close to the telephone reciever??>...



okay all jokes aside.



DUde, this is your woman wtf??!!! Man up, dontr be afraid of her if she is cheating than she is a ****, and you dont have to respect her. BUt tell her ass she cant talk to this dude. Also find out wher ethe ## is from and go have a talk to him.

[blkbird]

To everyone who gave me advice,thanks very much. I've accepted the fact that she's cheating now I'm working on getting hard proof for myself and to lay in front of her. I've brought four digital voice recorders(god bless the inventor) and placed three in the house and one in her car. So far the recordings have shown me nothing except what I know already(the car recorder caught a short phone call from the gas station boy,nothing of a romantic nature but time will tell). Thanks again for the advice and the reality check(it's good to know that it's not just me that finds my wife behavior strange). I'll keep everyone posted until then "record baby record!":)

[ChicagoTRS]

looking forward to the outcome of your digital voice snooping...keep us posted.

[blkbird]

Okay guys. New plan. I'll just cheat on her like I'm sure she's cheating on me. I'm a bartender women throw P**** at me all the time, I might as well take them up on their offers right?(only the single ones,promise.) Maybe even take a shot at one of her good friends(according to my wife her friend has had the hots for me for a while)When I'm good and ready and I've complied enough evidence of her cheating I'll give her the evidence and let her in on my "side projects" then I'll pull a houdini and let her deal with the mental meltdown for a while maybe serve her divorce papers at work so everyone can see the type of person she is. I don't know if this plan is right or fair but it'll make me feel good and isn't that what we all want to feel again? just to feel the power of your life is back in your hands. WARNING TO ALL CHEATERS: When you think you're playing take a closer look you just might be played!

[ChicagoTRS]

IMO kind of a rotten plan...why stoop to her level? If you don't want her simply divorce her and move on with your life...two wrongs don't make a right.

[logan944t]

Just my 2 cents -- but bad idea dude. AFTER you have proof then you go to the OM and tell him that bad things are going to happen to him if he keeps seeing her. After he calls her and tells her that you know -- and he will-- thats when you tell the world exactly what he is -- remember washable paint tho. House, car lawn whatever.

As for the wife -- remove all the money from the accounts, her car gets detaile as well, remove your name from all credit accounts, shut off utilities and go on vacation for 2 weeks. Get your head on straight-- a few drinks and a little strange while you figure out what YOU want -- remember this IS about you now -- then go back and do what it is that you want.

[toamsingm]

Cancel all finances together take her name off all stuff. Cut her off and Take off for a couple of weeks without saying anything. GO to Thailand or Amsterdam, get drunk, get high, and get laid. Once you are done partying come back and get started on gettting rid of her. There is alot of poon out there my friend it is a HUGE world. Get a job over seas teaching ENglish or something