Your Advice -- wife about to cheat

[jimmyjohn]

Hi. Need your opinion please.

Married 15 years. In our 40s. I'm 6 yrs her senior. 2 boys 2 girls under 14. Wife and I have had our share of problems. She's filed and then withdrawn divorce suit. Financially, she calculated it would have been a mess.

She's a hopeless romantic. Reads romance novels and watches same type of videos. She never approaches me. Throughout our marriage, I'm the one that has to take the action ... which she might turn down. I'm the one who leans over to kiss her goodnight. I'm the one who walks over to her to hug her or give her a peck on the cheek. And we don't have sex unless she's really in the mood for it. My advances are always turned down. Terribly frustrating.

Still there have been wonderful times in the marriage.... I believe founded on love which still exists....at times. I can see it in her eyes at times. She's probably going through something ... but she doesn't talk to me about it. I'm the one who needs to "communicate" she tells me.

She's known a guy closer in age for maybe 20 years. He lives in another state. The two of them will see each other at social (hobby) events around the country maybe once or twice a year.

When she filed against me, I hacked her e-mail account to see what was going on. A trail of e-mail with this guy showed her interest in seeing him. He turned her advances down earlier because he had a girlfriend (he's not now married although he's got kids). They never got to an outright alone-at-last setting to have anything happen although she admitted to him she should have jumped him.

Recently she continues to e-mail him and encourage his response and phone calls. She's smarter now not being as obvious with her intenetions. She's using enticing language in e-mails. She's described the party cloths she's bought. He of course then asked to see a picture of her in them. They've had a few phone calls. There's always a reason for the call or e-mail... the hobby thing...but also personal words between them.

I believe she's setting the stage for next time....maybe in 6 months...when she can spend the night with him when they are both away from home. ( I have spent past weekends taking care of the kids so she could get away for a few days with family members and friends who pursue the hobby interest.)

How do I proceed. If I confront her, she'll know I've been spying on her. Nothing physical has happened yet. Do I wait till I have more evidence. And if the marriage really is headed in the crapper, do I try to collect evidence of the infidelity? Will it help? I've always heard men never win divorces ... especially when there a kids involved.

What to do?

Thanks for taking the time for me.

P.S. I should add... I love her. I have always know she is my soul mate. Never wanted another. My fantisies are always about her.

[confused]

The wife was the hopeless romantic......married for 12 years....and she CLAIMS she was NEVER "in love". That she married because she thought it was the thing to do.

anyhow...the bottom line?

You wrote so well on this forum. you should write all this down..and leave the note for HER to read. About the romance novels...about her not initiating touch or sex.....about GOOD TIMES and love in the marriage....but how you feel insecure with this other feller....and that there is no PROOF...but its making you uncomfortable.

open up that dialog with her. A lot of times i write things. And the only reason why is because then? He TRULY HEARS ME. And he will do the same...because then i truly hear him. When we sometimes "talk" we forget things...OR...get ALL WRAPPED UP in our brain on "what is my COMEBACK"....for a fight.....that we never really listen.

anyhow....thats my advice....and i know you will receive more. Good luck..and keep us in touch!

[markus]

You need to confront her about the things that are bothering you and also demand that she cuts off all ties with this man
dont allow her to continue doing things that are affecting your marriage
she's either in a relationship with you 100% commited or she may as well leave right now
her feelings towards this man are dangerous , they are a fantasy and will destroy you both but remember ......
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.
;)

[jimmyjohn]

I thank you both for your time and consideration on my behalf. Good points in each post.

Writing IS a good communication tool. I shall use it in the near future.

100% commitment IS needed ... by both parties. Should be 110% leaving no room for withdrawl. I agree a total commitment to each other is what marriage is all about. I LONG to be in such a position.

I'm going to keep trying to get us right. I think the clue is in the romance she craves. I too am at fault in that department ... I think too much with one part of the body. Let's see what I can do.

And so the story continues. I will update this thread as things happen.

Thanks again.

[confused]

Keep us informed....but ALSO...remember....that it's not just up to YOU to save your marriage! yes....i did things myself as well.....to help us along....and did my own "self evaluation" (realizing that i had become something that i wasn't before)<----mother, ponytail wearing sweat suit cleaning house person.

But the bottom line is that SHE needs to meet you halfway. So dont go self evaluating YET. You need to have the conversation with her FIRST...and see where HER head is at. If she's remorseful and wanting to work "WITH" you on the marriage...then yeah...become that romantic.

HOWEVER....is she has a c-o-c-k-y attitude...DENIES what's happening, says YOU have a problem because you're reading too much into it......(etc.) well....then your dialog must go even further....becuz she is farther gone.

ONCE SHE CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY....and has no C-o-c-k-y arse attitude etc...well...then the BOTH of you can start fixin'.
JMO
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.
;)
This has got to be the best quote i've heard yet. LOVE IT!

[markus]

I'm going to keep trying to get us right. I think the clue is in the romance she craves. I too am at fault in that department ... I think too much with one part of the body. Let's see what I can do.



Nah its not your fault , it takes years to build up the kind of real love you and your wife have together - she's the one at fault because she's looking for something that dont exist , or at least it wouldn't last long if she found it
its easy for the part time man to make your wife feel good about herself but how much fun would it be after a few months of waking up next to him ?
She'd be back to square one wondering why she made such a mistake
for starters how this man be anything special if he has respect for a women who is cheating - he cant be any better than you can he ?
Quit blaming yourself .. you wont be able to put her back on tracks by trying to fix yourself
Think about it ....... Theres two of you in this relationship and your the only one making the effort to make it work - she's seeking happiness for herself .. your seeking it for both of you ! .......That makes it HER FAULT
Research proves that the majority of people who cheat are the ones that are not putting enough effort into their relationships
When was the last time she came up to you and said she was proud of you or anything that you do ... when was the last time she appreciated anything you've done ?
Bet she dont ........ bet she's so used to being a self centered ***** living in fantasy land that theres nothing you could possibly do to make her happy
She needs to take a good look at herself and make changes to find what she's looking for

Get her some Phill Mcgraw books and wayne dyer audio tapes
Recondition the *****'s brain while you have a chance ;)

[jimmyjohn]

Were did the two of you come from?

The honesty is valued. And the tea leaves you are reading are true. I know I didn't tell you any of that follow-up but you are right. I live for the day she initiates the action to acknowledge me.

Ok, I understand what you are saying. I won't stop though because I am kind of competitive. And if in the end she doesn't come around, then I will know I gave it what I should. Your counsel here appreciated.

thanks again.

Oh, Markus. I really don't 'blame' myself ... but do feel a certain responsibility. I have not been my best. I know my partner's strengths and weaknesses. It is incumbant upon me to strenghten the weaknesses through and invisible hand until we get to the point of better, more direct and open communications... which will happen. That's why I think the romance needs to be reinvigerated. It has a powerful play on her heart.

[SuckerFree]

Sounds to me like you are the hopeless romantic. Your (ex) remember that word wife appears to have little respect for you. Being a sap and trying to make a person whos unable to ever be satisfied satisfied will only compound her lack of respect for you. It's over, you must now pull your socks up and get on with life. You will NEVER make this woman happy, never. Is your wifes name Chrissy by any chance?

[SuckerFree]

Ohh, and your wife's not about to cheat. She already has.

[SuckerFree]

Ok OK OK....Sorry bout the triple post but I couldn't bear to see what I was reading anymore. Open a line of communication...tell her it makes you uncomfortable......wtf. Has Suckerfree taught you people nothing? This thing is as dead as yesterday's Chicken dinner. His wife HATES him. She has zero respect for him, she has already cheated, she will be with this man very soon again. She already threatned Divorce but shyed away cuz she didn't want the headache. And after all, all she's gotta do is turn down Hubby's advances from time to time and she leads her own life. Why go thru the headache of divorce if you got the best of both worlds? No Jimmy, proving infedility will do nothing except give you the hard proof everyone deserves. Yes, you will lose badly in Divorce court. However, if you start now, you can limit the damage. Sell any stocks, 401k, take the hit, pocket the money. Withdraw money from the bank, leave no paper trail of it. Get cash back for all purchases whenever possible. Trust me, your wife has already looked into every angle in Divorce to tilt it in her favor. I'm not being harsh, I know this must be terrible for you. But I am giving you honest, realistic, real world advice. Your wife no longer loves you. You must understand this. BTW, I know you are not gonna follow any of my advice. But please let us know when this thing craps out so I can show everyone it's the only advice.

[tomasingm]

Start to minimize the financial impact of what is goign to happen. ANother option would be into look into foreign banking where court sof your country have no jurisdiction begin liquidate assets, 401k. Now is the time to prepare this book as some goo advice

http://www.fireyourwife.com/

[markus]

It does look like the problems in this relationship are caused by his wife's fantasy obsession with this other man but i think they could work things out if they both work on it
How he's going to get his wife to work on it ..... i dont know

but one thing he has to do from now on is demand no contact with the other man - no meetings , phone calls , emails etc
they've crossed the line and you need to make her break off all contact
you should also contact him and let him know what damage he is doing to your marriage

[Skirtchaser]

Hi. Need your opinion please.

Married 15 years. In our 40s. I'm 6 yrs her senior. 2 boys 2 girls under 14. Wife and I have had our share of problems. She's filed and then withdrawn divorce suit. Financially, she calculated it would have been a mess.

She's a hopeless romantic. Reads romance novels and watches same type of videos. She never approaches me. Throughout our marriage, I'm the one that has to take the action ... which she might turn down. I'm the one who leans over to kiss her goodnight. I'm the one who walks over to her to hug her or give her a peck on the cheek. And we don't have sex unless she's really in the mood for it. My advances are always turned down. Terribly frustrating.

Still there have been wonderful times in the marriage.... I believe founded on love which still exists....at times. I can see it in her eyes at times. She's probably going through something ... but she doesn't talk to me about it. I'm the one who needs to "communicate" she tells me.

She's known a guy closer in age for maybe 20 years. He lives in another state. The two of them will see each other at social (hobby) events around the country maybe once or twice a year.

When she filed against me, I hacked her e-mail account to see what was going on. A trail of e-mail with this guy showed her interest in seeing him. He turned her advances down earlier because he had a girlfriend (he's not now married although he's got kids). They never got to an outright alone-at-last setting to have anything happen although she admitted to him she should have jumped him.

Recently she continues to e-mail him and encourage his response and phone calls. She's smarter now not being as obvious with her intenetions. She's using enticing language in e-mails. She's described the party cloths she's bought. He of course then asked to see a picture of her in them. They've had a few phone calls. There's always a reason for the call or e-mail... the hobby thing...but also personal words between them.

I believe she's setting the stage for next time....maybe in 6 months...when she can spend the night with him when they are both away from home. ( I have spent past weekends taking care of the kids so she could get away for a few days with family members and friends who pursue the hobby interest.)

How do I proceed. If I confront her, she'll know I've been spying on her. Nothing physical has happened yet. Do I wait till I have more evidence. And if the marriage really is headed in the crapper, do I try to collect evidence of the infidelity? Will it help? I've always heard men never win divorces ... especially when there a kids involved.

What to do?

Thanks for taking the time for me.

P.S. I should add... I love her. I have always know she is my soul mate. Never wanted another. My fantisies are always about her.
I have to agree with suckerfree, Confront her first and if she is not willing to break the ties and get onboard in your relationship, start planning your way out. Things will not get any better and you will be miserable untill she leaves you. She may be planning now. I firmly believe there is someone for everyone all you have to do is find that special one.

[Skirtchaser]

I have to agree with suckerfree, Confront her first and if she is not willing to break the ties and get onboard in your relationship, start planning your way out. Things will not get any better and you will be miserable untill she leaves you. She may be planning now. I firmly believe there is someone for everyone all you have to do is find that special one.
I don't know much, but, what I know, I know.

[markus]

Their all special one untill they get loved up by another man :D

[jimmyjohn]

First of ... thanks to all for reading and commenting.

I'll respond to SuckerFree since his posts seemed to get the most response.

SuckerFree ... thanks for the effort. No really. Sounds like you've been somewhere I haven't. That means experiences I haven't had so you have comments worth noting; which I will do.

First, I think my post hit a nerve. Your reponses were passionate. Ouch. Sorry for that cause I don't want anybody going through what I am. Must be some heavy baggage.

I agree with much of what was said. I get no respect. I'll say it too: My wife is the most selfish person I have ever know. Take me out of the equation and it shows in the way she handles the kids. They will not remember their mother much for what she did for them; little if anything.

Next, it appears the message or formula for a happy marriage is to get more love than you give. I doubt parity is possible with human nature being what it is. Otherwise one would find oneself in MY position giving more than getting and THAT's not workable is it.

Finally, I hear, acknowledge and understand the several posts regarding the actions I should take to notify her that she must cut off all communications with the other guy. Thank you.

There are a whole host of things that haven't been posted here regarding our past. I know things are not good and haven't been ... for both of us. I've highlighted points in my favor. Much can be said. This is serious with many lives that be affected. For those that have divorced for what ever reason...I respect your decision for your sake. I'm not going to take impulsive actions. When I move, I will take an offensive posture with hard evidence. I will work on the squirling away of assests as suggested and take other measures to protect my interests now. I must admit too that I will fight for my marriage as something worth saving. Enough said. I'll be back in a week.

Thanks.

[jimmyjohn]

Well, the news is better.

My wife has toned down her advances. The other guy has shyed away from any commitments or bald face interest in her. She's taken his hints and understands (I think) that she's barking up the wrong tree.

She appears to have turned back to 'us'. We've had some really nice evenings together.

But now there's something new. I saw her reaction to something her boss did with her. She wanted to make sure no body caught on. She changed her normal behavior patterns to do so. I of course noted what happened and will be keeping a different eye out.

But now a different question and scenario come up just a few days ago.

How do you monitor and watch your spouse at work with her boss?

This is where trust and all those things about a good marriage come in. I mean my first reaction is that she wouldn't do a thing with the guy because of the way she's talked about him to me in the past and, the guy is married with kids etc.

Any ideas about monitoring bosses and work let me know.

Thanks.

[MuffinMan]

You said she "filed against you"...does that mean she filed for divorce?
If so, there is nothing to do...
If you meant something else, then I wouldn't worry about her knowing your spying on her...to hell with her.
What I would do is say, "honey, can you come here for minute"...then have one of the emails up on screen and ask, "what the hell is this". If she gets pissed then stand up and fire right back at this cheating wh0re.
Do you have kids? If not, just divorce this worthless excuse for a human being and get a real woman. If you have kids, well then it is a judgement call.

But your situation was the same as mine, it was ME that made all of the advances and she might accept, but maybe twice a year.

You don't need a fickle wh0re like this. If you want to collect evidence, then save those emails to disk or better yet, a USB memory key(yes you can tell I work in the IT field).
Evidence like this in a divorce won't do you any good as far as getting more of the marital assets, but it may have a factor in getting full custody. I would think a reasonable jury would not want kids in the custody of someone morally bankrupt, or someone that will be off boffing a fu#k buddy every weekend.

My situation? Well, I don't believe my wife is cheating right now, but just because they made the decision not to cheat anymore doesn't mean that the still don't want to...THEY DO. And that is still emotional betrayal.
I decided to stay for my kids, but now the ball is in my court. I CALL THE FU#KIN' SHOTS FROM HERE ON OUT. She knows if she goes out with "the girls", she'll be locked out of the house if she isn't home before 11pm. And she knows if she is out with the girls, I may be watching or a friend will be(I really don't check up, but she thinks I will).
But she doesn't go out with them very often because she knows the sh!t she will get when she gets back.....20 questions! It may sound controlling(I don't physically stop her), but she is the one that fu#ked up, not me.

Anyway, you can take it two ways, don't let her know you know about the emails...save them and let a lawyer see them. Or if you think she will want to stay married, save the emails anyway, then confront her about it.
If you choose the latter, NEVER let your guard down with her again. Even if its obvious she isn't cheating or conversing with other guys, she is NEVER to be trusted again. She doesn't deserve it, mainly because she will always be a cheater, but most of all because she betrayed you.

[markus]

This is where trust and all those things about a good marriage come in. I mean my first reaction is that she wouldn't do a thing with the guy because of the way she's talked about him to me in the past and, the guy is married with kids etc.

Hey dont believe a word she says about her boss ... my wife had an affair with her supervisor and he was the last person on the planet i expected her to go with because he's butt ugly beyond belief and she never had a good word to say about him
she described him as 'Sad' because he worked in a dead end job for ten years and wasted most of his money on DVD's when he had a family

If i was you i would monitor this situation very closely , he could be the real reason she's turned on you in the past and not for the man you originally mentioned .... or maybe both , multiple affairs are common with women that are emotionally messed up

You said you noticed she was hiding something to do with her boss ...people with nothing to hide dont try hide anything
Remember that !

[prex]

Toss this rat off the boat with the other flotsam and jetsam. If you loved her so much anyway, how'd she get so far into this deal without you knowing? You're just mad cause you lost somethiong thats YOURS. Thats caveman thinking. But then to ease your ego you try New Age solutions. But trust your insticts. A caveman problem needs a caveman solution:

But, suddenly, I viddied that thinking was for the gloopy ones and that the oomny ones use like inspiration and what Bog sends, for now it was lovely music that came to my aid and I viddied at once what to do. There was a window open with the stereo on.

IN SLOW MOTION

Alex clubs Georgie into water with his stick. Dim swings chain. Alex ducks. Dim goes into water.

Alex kneels, hands behind back, takes knife from sword stick, offers hand to help Dim, and slashes Dim when he gets it.

Dim falls back into the water.

Alex laughs.

[MuffinMan]

Well, the news is better.

My wife has toned down her advances. The other guy has shyed away from any commitments or bald face interest in her. She's taken his hints and understands (I think) that she's barking up the wrong tree.

She appears to have turned back to 'us'. We've had some really nice evenings together.

She is only back to you because the other guy turned her down.

This woman of yours is nothing but a selfish b!tch and needs to be treated as such.

[Skirtchaser]

[QUOTE=jimmyjohn]Were did the two of you come from?

It is incumbant upon me to strenghten the weaknesses through and invisible hand until we get to the point of better, more direct and open communications... which will happen.

The INVISIBLE hand of the other guy is what is opening up communications and her. Wait till he gets 2 invisible hands on her. Wake up.