Found out 7 years too late.

[MuffinMan]

I have been married for 7 years now. My wife, whom I dated 5 years before we got married, cheated...just kissing mind you, after the first year we dated.
Well, shame on me because I forgave her and we moved on. For those years it was never obvious that she may have cheated again. No phone calls, no emails or chats because she never spent time on the computer. But I had a suspicion.
I find out 7 years after we were married that she cheated on me while we were engaged. I was furious. She told me that it was a long time ago and that we weren't even married(even though I suspect she messed around a few times while we were married)...but my ring was on her finger. We now have 2 kids and everything is different now. I told her that if I would have known about this before the wedding, that we wouldn't be married today. I wouldn't go back and change that, because that would be the same as saying I wish my kids didn't exist.
Anyway, she is really trying to be a good wife now, but every time I look at her all I can see and think of is her with another man while committed to me.
I told her that I don't care if she does things with her friends, but if I ever find out she went to a bar or anything like that with them, or came home after 11 or 12, she'd be locked out of the house. She seems willing to accept those terms...but I don't know. Nothing is ever going to be the same between us. One of her friends told me I needed to get over it...my response to her friend..."maybe if I go out and cheat then we'll see just how easy it is for HER to get over it" since I have been completely faithful...she doesn't know how bad betrayal hurts.
I just feel trapped and don't want a divorce just because I can't imagine not seeing my children everyday...tucking them into bed and all that. But now, every time we have sex, I feel like throwing up.
Anyone else in the same situation of finding out years later after they were married?

[tomasingm]

Keep in mind that this is her fault (not yours) Dont let any one ANY ONE no counselor or her even try to shift the blame anc change resposibility by making her the vicitim. Secondly keep in mind that you have children now and the rules have changed. You need to do what is best for your kids. Concentrate on being the best Dad in the world. Do what you have to do that is best for your family. I wish I could be more of help. Tell her that it is your turn to nail some one else. ;) That is the only way you'll be getting past her fidelity and make the relationship even. :D

[exhausted]

Muffin I was in the same boat as you..

Like you I was with my wife 5 yrs before marriage.. but, she didn't cheat on me before our wedding but, during our marriage..

I have chose to get over it and move on with our lives. She has improved on her part and me with my feelings towards her..

I told her that I don't care if she does things with her friends, but if I ever find out she went to a bar or anything like that with them, or came home after 11 or 12, she'd be locked out of the house. She seems willing to accept those terms...but I don't know. Nothing is ever going to be the same between us.
I thought the controlling thing was the way too go but, after stepping back and looking at what I have said I was wrong into try to tell her what to do and how to do it..

I think onething you need to think about is if the shoes were on the other foot would you like to be told what to do and how to do it? I know I wouldn't.. I'm not telling you how to cope with things but, if you But now, every time we have sex, I feel like throwing up. can't see your wife for the main reason why you are together(Hopefully not just for the kids) now.. Because, the kids will sense that something is wrong in your relationship..

But, onething is for sure.. take care of your family!! "Rome wasn't built in a day" I don't know how long ago this has taken place.. but, mine was about 8 months ago and I still seem to be checking from time to time.. But, not as bad as I used too..

Take care and keep us posted..

[markus]

But now, every time we have sex, I feel like throwing up.
Anyone else in the same situation of finding out years later after they were married?


No i just bend her over so i dont have to look at the boat race

[MuffinMan]

Don't misunderstand me...I am not telling her what she can and can't do, although I think I have every right now because she can't be trusted.
But she knows that if she does anything I don't much approve of, she is out of the house.
So she can still do whatever she wants, but there will be consequences to them now. If she even stays out later than midnight with her friends...like coming home at 2:30am, she WILL be locked out.
And if she ever gets mad about not being able to act like a single college girl, I'll just have to remind her that divorce papers can be signed within days.

[exhausted]

But she knows that if she does anything I don't much approve of, she is out of the house.
Never got a clue that you weren't being controlling..;)

So she can still do whatever she wants, but there will be consequences to them now. If she even stays out later than midnight with her friends...like coming home at 2:30am, she WILL be locked out.
And if she ever gets mad about not being able to act like a single college girl, I'll just have to remind her that divorce papers can be signed within days.
I understand!! 2:30.. Hell my wife would come home after 3 or 4am.. I forgave her.. I did like you did also.. told her to do what she wants I didn't care.. "Just watch youself because, I am watching also"!! Made her quit her job,told her what I thought about her friends and just about everything else I thought.. She changed and now we have moved on with our marriage and friendship!!

Don't misunderstand me...I am not telling her what she can and can't do, although I think I have every right now because she can't be trusted.
Believe brotha, I KNOW!!!
But, sometimes you might not think its controlling, but it is!!
Just remember onething.. you stated that you are disgusted w/her when having sex(sick).. I have a saying that a buddy told me onetime,"Give her enough rope and she just might hang herself"...

[MuffinMan]

No i just bend her over so i dont have to look at the boat race

The reason I feel like that is every time we have sex, all I can see is her doing it with someone else.

[jnj express]

hey muffin-----------------you are coming from a place that is always going to be with you--------------her deceit and lying , and your doubt will always be there-------------------the pain and hurt does not go away easily------------DO NOT DO AS SOME IDIOT EARLIER SUGGESTED AND GO AND CHEAT TO EVEN THE SCORE, THAT HELPS NOTHING, IT CERTAINLY WON'T CLEAR THE IMAGES OF HER CHEATING, NOR WILL IT GET RID OF YOUR PAIN--------------IT WILL JUST CAUSE PAIN FOR EVERYONE ELSE, CUZ NOW YOU WOULD REALLY HAVE A DYSAFUNCTIONAL FAMILY WHERE EVERYONE IS CHEATING ------THAT DEFINITELY CAN'T BE GOOD FOR YOUR CHILDREN. you are not going to get rid of the images and i certainly wouldn't want to have sex with a woman, your wife, who has allowed strangers who she probably knew for maybe a half hour or so, take her to bed and violate your relationship-------------maybe you need to just end your marriage ---------------do not stay in a marriage for the kids-----------if it goes bad ------then split homes may be better for the kids---------------as to your wife now, how remorseful is she, how does she act toward you--------------I WOULD NOT ALLOW HER TO BE OUT WITH HER FRIENDS TO ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT--------IF SHE IS IN A MARRIAGE SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE WITH YOU HER MARRIED PARTNER------WHY WOULD SHE NEED TO GO OUT WITH HER FRIENDS TO PLACES WHERE PICKUPS ARE MADE AND SEX IS THE RESULT-----------YOU ARE NOT BEING CONTROLLING, SHE TOOK A VOW TO BE WITH HER HUSBAND, THAT IS WHERE SHE SHOULD BE., but by the same token, then you have to take her out and provide her with a life-------------she can't just be made to stay home and do nothing----so you need to become a proper partner and do things with her, THAT IS IF YOU WANT THIS MARRIAGE TO SUCCEED, 1st tho, you must get past your images, and i agree you may never overcome those images, good luck however which way you go

[markus]

You can actually change the images in your head , you can change the way you feel about anything if you use your imagination and become more aware of how your thoughts operate
Its no longer your wife making you unhappy for what she did .. its yourself because you wont let go

[elainegayla]

Wow. I thought I was the only one.

I feel like throwing up when I even THINK about having sex with my cheating husband. The images of him and other women...yuck!

I guess I feel like he would do ANYBODY and I want to be with someone that wants me...not just a hole.

[MuffinMan]

Wow. I thought I was the only one.

I feel like throwing up when I even THINK about having sex with my cheating husband. The images of him and other women...yuck!

I guess I feel like he would do ANYBODY and I want to be with someone that wants me...not just a hole.

So elaine...how old are ya and where are ya from? ;) ..LOL...just kidding.
If I found myself divorced and you the same, I just might have to make a run at ya...you sound like a great person.

But seriously, wtf is wrong with spouses who have it made with their partners and then go out and ruin it by cheating? I'll never understand it.

[steve]

My wife and I have been together ever since high school, and I have only recently discovered the dark secret she's hidden from me for all these years. About 15 years ago, shortly after graduation when we were still dating, her so-called friends convinced her that it was probably in her best interest to "play the field" for a while to be certain that I was truly the guy she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Words could never even begin to describe the devastation I felt the moment my source told me how my wife had a few one-night stands in a span of just a couple of months while partying with friends, and I can't believe I never suspected a thing. Obviously I refused to believe any of it at first, but when I confronted my wife about it she broke down in tears and told me it was time I knew the truth.

I love my wife dearly and I'm not ashamed to admit I have forgiven her for the foolish mistakes she made all those years ago. The problem is, how do I forget? I have always lived with the thought and trust that we had only been together with each other, now I'm always finding myself thinking about what took place those nights and if she ever thinks about them too. My wife swears none of those guys meant a thing to her, and now I only wish I never knew anything about it.

[MuffinMan]

steve,
Yup...i know the feeling. And if your wife has these friends now..and if her friends came over, I'd tell them that you found out that she cheated because of them. Let these friends of hers know you are not happy with them. Let these "friends" know that they ruined a perfectly good relationship because of their stupid, fickle, s!utty advice. (not that I am relieving the personal responsibility of your wife, she IS more to blame)
And as far as I'm concerned, if your wife still goes out with these "friends", that is now over. Her friends have proven that they can't be trusted anymore than your wife can.
ya ya ya, I know you'll get the, "but it was more than 15 years ago" bullsh!t...but it doesn't change the FACT that she betrayed you and that you went into your marriage with a lie underneath it.

How do you forget? You NEVER will. I get angry to this day thinking about it. My wife isn't the person I THOUGHT loved me when we were standing at the alter. I didn't know at the time when I looked into her eyes at the alter that I was looking at someone who had another man's d!ck inside her just months prior. If I would have known, I'd have left her at the alter.
But now I have 2 beautiful boys and I am staying for them. If I didn't have them, I'd have divorced her over this.

And yes, she thinks about the men she f#cked when committed to you, and she loves those thoughts, don't think she doesn't. I'm sure these guys didn't mean anything to her, but that in no way makes it better.

By the way, how did you find out after 15 years? In my case, it was an old friend of hers that came back to town. My wife at the time treated her like dirt, so when I saw her in the grocery store one day, she told me everything. I finished my shopping and met her out at her SUV so she could tell me the rest of the story. Devestated to say the least.

Anyway, just because it happened years ago...it happened while you were committed to her and probably while you were engaged to her. Its just as bad as if you were married. You can do what suits you, but after hearing of what she did when out with her "friends", if I were you, she is no longer to go out with her "friends"...at least not to bars or clubs. I told her those days are OVER, and if she doesn't like it, she can leave, WITHOUT my boys.

And it isn't being controlling. It is reasonable for a wife to act LIKE A F#CKING WIFE.

Sorry to be so blunt about it, but getting angry here and there about it is what keeps me from being played for a fool ever again.
And I will teach my sons to never let a woman play them for a fool, but I will also teach them to not play around with anyone elses heart. Its just plain wrong.

[SuckerFree]

Wow. I thought I was the only one.

I feel like throwing up when I even THINK about having sex with my cheating husband. The images of him and other women...yuck!

I guess I feel like he would do ANYBODY and I want to be with someone that wants me...not just a hole.

Stay over on the Women's boards their sugarbritches. The Mens are talking.

[Skirtchaser]

I love my wife dearly and I'm not ashamed to admit I have forgiven her for the foolish mistakes she made all those years ago. The problem is, how do I forget? I have always lived with the thought and trust that we had only been together with each other, now I'm always finding myself thinking about what took place those nights and if she ever thinks about them too. My wife swears none of those guys meant a thing to her, and now I only wish I never knew anything about it.


Ain't it great, Someone cheats on you and devastates you all over someone who does'nt MEAN a thing to them.:confused:

[MuffinMan]

Ain't it great, Someone cheats on you and devastates you all over someone who does'nt MEAN a thing to them.:confused:

My wife told me sort of the same thing....I looked at her and said...gee...that makes it all better now....they think we are f#cking stupid.

[Cosmic_Jihad]

Stay over on the Women's boards their sugarbritches. The Mens are talking.
I agree with this:) :)

[MuffinMan]

Stay over on the Women's boards their sugarbritches. The Mens are talking.

No sucker, elaine has good input here. She relates to what has happened to us men in here and her position is consistent whether its a man or a woman doing the cheating.

[Ravage]

I agree with muffinman Those friends are not friends of this marriage since when those a person have an good opinion to make your wife cheat, how would this friend feel if her SO was out with another woman? not so nice right? thought so. I see that every ****ing day and it's sickening when you have these fine ass females with their chickenheaded friends. And they influence her to do stupid ****! But also how weak does the woman have to be to listen to blantantly stupid ass advice from someone who isnt smart enough to be by herself anyways? I dont get it.

If she had friends like that I'd make her choose, them or me. And if it's them dont come back cause misery loves company.

[MuffinMan]

I agree with muffinman Those friends are not friends of this marriage since when those a person have an good opinion to make your wife cheat

Thats why my wife is no longer allowed to go out with hers. They act like they are in college....sorry to say, those days are over and its time to grow up.

[jnj express]

hey bottom line on your wife doing what she did-friends suggested-IT WAS YOUR WIFE WHO MADE THE DECISION TO CHEAT-not the friends-only one person to blame and that is wife

[Skirtchaser]

hey bottom line on your wife doing what she did-friends suggested-IT WAS YOUR WIFE WHO MADE THE DECISION TO CHEAT-not the friends-only one person to blame and that is wife

He knows that better than anyone. But why let her go back to the waterhole again. Why have that temptation in front of her?
I think he is reasonable not to let her go back out with them.:cool:

[MuffinMan]

hey bottom line on your wife doing what she did-friends suggested-IT WAS YOUR WIFE WHO MADE THE DECISION TO CHEAT-not the friends-only one person to blame and that is wife

Oh I understand that...but I don't need those little wh0res in my house either.

It was my wife's decision, but it was her friends that thought it was no big deal...so they aren't allowed in my house any longer and my wife is no longer to go out with them.

[MarkR0801]

Perhaps you should just enjoy what your cheating wife did rather than being so angry. Get her to relive the moment of her infidelity and cheating by giving you all the details. Perpahs the other men satisfied her in ways you could only dream of doing.

[TxTornado]

Mark.. bless your lil ole heart.. you are a classic example of inbreding.. now go play with your marbles...

[MuffinMan]

Perhaps you should just enjoy what your cheating wife did rather than being so angry. Get her to relive the moment of her infidelity and cheating by giving you all the details. Perpahs the other men satisfied her in ways you could only dream of doing.

And perhaps you are just a little b!tch. Aint nothing wrong with what we did in bed. Nice try though buttercup.

She was just fickle..nothing more.

And if you don't have anything of substance to add to the topic...then just shut the f#ck up.

After reading your other posts, its obvious you are a moron who only wants to stir the sh!t.

So tell us Marky....why are you here?

[MuffinMan]

Mark.. bless your lil ole heart.. you are a classic example of inbreding.. now go play with your marbles...

What do you think he is doing? He is jacking off while reading these stories.

[TxTornado]

Naw he'd have to be able to get a boner.. I think the only way he can get excited is to watch... or maybe the other kiddies just wouldn't play with him... alas.. snerks like him go blind in time..