Dump or Trust???

[hmmmmmmm]

I've been seeing a guy for about a month and a half. Ever since the beginning, he's been sketchy about his cell phone and there have been several WEIRD occasions, like I came over one night unexpected VERY late (I was supposed to be going out of town and the trip was cancelled, so I ended up over there). All of my things were tucked away... every last bit of my belongings were hidden. And, he was ANGRY that I was there. He said the maid was coming the next day and that he always cleans up before she comes. This really could be true. Sometimes, we'll be having a normal conversation on the phone and then he'll just all of a sudden say "gotta go, call ya later" and I won't hear from him for hours and then he gets pissed at me when I call him and says I'm smothering him. All my friends tell me he's a cheating bastard that can't be trusted and that he has definitely cheated on me. Yet, I feel something with this guy... like I just met him and maybe I'm jumping the gun. Still, I check his phone and there are often strange numbers in his cell phone. I was out of town over the weekend and I tried calling yesterday afternoon. House and cell phones straight to voicemail for about 45 minutes. I could see he was logged into his computer. FINALLY he calls and is SO PISSED at me because I left like 14 messages. He said he was just laying in bed in the room and he'd had his phones off cuz its the weekend and he just wanted to chill out. He said my distrust was beyond ridiculous and that he was going to break up with me if I didn't start trusting him. He is right that I can't know what he is doing ALL the time and him not answering the phone doesn't mean anything... that he needs his space. BUT, big suprise... ALL calls and texts were deleted when I was over tonight. I brought it up and he said that as long as I don't trust him, he will delete his calls, even if its 50 yrs from now. We agree on my lack of trust and he wants me to work it out. He says that he needs his privacy (we haven't been dating that long.. don't know what rights I have) and I shouldn't be nosing in his phone. We have also only sex 3-4 times in the last few weeks. Yet, he brags all the time about his HUGE sexual appetite. He only has sex with me if I come over dressed really ****ty or if I massage him first. He rarely initiates, and again, he says he's turned off by my constant pressuring, which could be true. He spends tons of time on the internet and has 273 contacts on his buddy list that he says "are all just acquantences". One time, a girl with a dirty screen name messaged him while I was there, "what are you up to" or something like that. He said, "hanging out with my girlfriend" and she said "OH SORRY". He swears she's some old friend from his past and hasn't talked to her in months and hasn't since that night. But, OH SORRY... what is that? we have been very open about our sexual pasts and he has shown me files of pictures that he's taken of exes and one night stands... very graphic. He pretended to delete them all but later said he has these files on an external password protected drive, files are named with their phone numbers. He holds on to these... and I guess he should be able to... we aren't getting married or anything and thats his life and his memories. He keeps the camera in the drawer by the bed and the memory card is ALWAYS empty (it auto clears when you upload). Something in my gut tells me that things are off with him, maybe he isn't actually cheating... but what is going on???? Is this normal in the beginning of a relationship? I have become so obsessed with whether or not he has cheated on me that I'm ruining our relationship even if he didn't. I have an unhealthy sense of paranoia and distrust, and I don't know if I should just chill out and realize that we rushed in so fast and maybe he DOES just need his own personal space... and that doesn't mean he's screwing anyone else, or talking to anyone else, etc... He is patient with my trust issues. He says his past was the way he WAS and that he really is ready for a relationship in his life. He plays on my insecurities all the time and will make jokes about "the whole Dolphin's Cheerleader Squad was over last night". He has a box of some **** his ex left at his house. He told me that he called her this weekend so she could get it back, and that he told me so he wasn't keeping it a secret, but that she never called back. The stuff is still there. She left him cold months ago. I told him that is a dumb excuse for him to see her again... if she wants her ****, SHE can call him. I said he should just toss it and IF she ever calls, remind her that she left him and thats that. He still wants to understand why she left. And he admits to me that he was sleeping with other girls when he was with her, and that she was with another guy, too. so, Dump and move on, or try to relax all my drama and see if he is real??? I can't handle this relationship anymore and driving us both crazy about every little thing I notice that is different around his house.

[SuckerFree]

He just doesn't sound that terribly interested in you.

[SuckerFree]

With apologes to Markus I have a further point. I will try and be cordial cuz God knows I dont want another 50 private messages. But as I stated in the first post. He does not seem incredibly interested in you. You almost seem like a rebound girl. Also, let's call a spade a spade here. From what you have stated, yes, you do seem very smothering. For some a relationship isn't an in your face 24/7 thing. You seem to have already dissected every little thing that has happened in over 1 month alone. My gut instinct tells me this one should not be pursued. If he was head over heels for you, his actions would be different. Are you willing to settle? This is also the reason why seduction sites, and players tell you to be an asshole to Women. It's working. His head games are working on you. You simply must ask yourself if this is how you wish to be treated in a relationship. Forget about what's his plan, his game, what does he mean by this. That's all crap. Take time and look into yourself to see what you want from a man when you are dating, and what you are willing to sacrifice.

[Jules]

It definitely looks like something is off with this guy. There might not be any solid proof that he is cheating, but even if he's not, he sounds like a complete a**hole... You've only been with this guy for like a month and already he's treating you very badly. The first couple of months in any relationship are usually the best ones---and if this is how you feel now---> it will only get worse. It's obvious he's not over his ex, and the fact that your sex life is almost non existent is probably an indicator that he's getting it somewhere else. But regardless of that he just seems like a really really nasty person! I would never want to start up anything with a person like that.
The faster you dump him, the faster you can move on and find someone that cares about you and is excited when you come over and call instead of getting mad at you every time.

[exhausted]

I've been seeing a guy for about a month and a half. Ever since the beginning, he's been sketchy about his cell phone and there have been several WEIRD occasions, like I came over one night unexpected VERY late (I was supposed to be going out of town and the trip was cancelled, so I ended up over there). All of my things were tucked away... every last bit of my belongings were hidden. And, he was ANGRY that I was there. He said the maid was coming the next day and that he always cleans up before she comes.
What does he need a maid for?
This really could be true. Sometimes, we'll be having a normal conversation on the phone and then he'll just all of a sudden say "gotta go, call ya later" and I won't hear from him for hours and then he gets pissed at me when I call him and says I'm smothering him. All my friends tell me he's a cheating bastard that can't be trusted and that he has definitely cheated on me.
I think your friends might be right on this one!!

Yet, I feel something with this guy... like I just met him and maybe I'm jumping the gun.
Sounds like a real winner.. Just met the guy and He is already treating you crap!!!

Still, I check his phone and there are often strange numbers in his cell phone. I was out of town over the weekend and I tried calling yesterday afternoon. House and cell phones straight to voicemail for about 45 minutes. I could see he was logged into his computer. FINALLY he calls and is SO PISSED at me because I left like 14 messages. He said he was just laying in bed in the room and he'd had his phones off cuz its the weekend and he just wanted to chill out. He said my distrust was beyond ridiculous and that he was going to break up with me if I didn't start trusting him.
Has He giving you any reason too trust him?

He is right that I can't know what he is doing ALL the time and him not answering the phone doesn't mean anything... that he needs his space. BUT, big suprise... ALL calls and texts were deleted when I was over tonight. I brought it up and he said that as long as I don't trust him, he will delete his calls, even if its 50 yrs from now. We agree on my lack of trust and he wants me to work it out. He says that he needs his privacy (we haven't been dating that long.. don't know what rights I have) and I shouldn't be nosing in his phone. We have also only sex 3-4 times in the last few weeks. Yet, he brags all the time about his HUGE sexual appetite. He only has sex with me if I come over dressed really ****ty or if I massage him first.
Most guys are just talk!! BTW.. I'm sorry you are only getting it twice a week.. If I was just dating that wouldn't be enough for me.. And When I was younger(Well I'm not too old) But, I used to do it 3 or 4 times a day!!!

He rarely initiates, and again, he says he's turned off by my constant pressuring, which could be true. He spends tons of time on the internet and has 273 contacts on his buddy list that he says "are all just acquantences". One time, a girl with a dirty screen name messaged him while I was there, "what are you up to" or something like that. He said, "hanging out with my girlfriend" and she said "OH SORRY". He swears she's some old friend from his past and hasn't talked to her in months and hasn't since that night. But, OH SORRY... what is that?
He might have friends that are girls!!

we have been very open about our sexual pasts and he has shown me files of pictures that he's taken of exes and one night stands... very graphic. He pretended to delete them all but later said he has these files on an external password protected drive, files are named with their phone numbers. He holds on to these... and I guess he should be able to... we aren't getting married or anything and thats his life and his memories. He keeps the camera in the drawer by the bed and the memory card is ALWAYS empty (it auto clears when you upload). Something in my gut tells me that things are off with him, maybe he isn't actually cheating... but what is going on???? Is this normal in the beginning of a relationship?
Is this a relationship or just a going out thing?

I have become so obsessed with whether or not he has cheated on me that I'm ruining our relationship even if he didn't. I have an unhealthy sense of paranoia and distrust, and I don't know if I should just chill out and realize that we rushed in so fast and maybe he DOES just need his own personal space... and that doesn't mean he's screwing anyone else, or talking to anyone else, etc... He is patient with my trust issues.
It sounds like it!!

He says his past was the way he WAS and that he really is ready for a relationship in his life. He plays on my insecurities all the time and will make jokes about "the whole Dolphin's Cheerleader Squad was over last night". He has a box of some **** his ex left at his house. He told me that he called her this weekend so she could get it back, and that he told me so he wasn't keeping it a secret, but that she never called back. The stuff is still there. She left him cold months ago. I told him that is a dumb excuse for him to see her again... if she wants her ****, SHE can call him. I said he should just toss it and IF she ever calls, remind her that she left him and thats that.

Wonder why she left him?


He still wants to understand why she left. And he admits to me that he was sleeping with other girls when he was with her, and that she was with another guy, too. so, Dump and move on, or try to relax all my drama and see if he is real??? I can't handle this relationship anymore and driving us both crazy about every little thing I notice that is different around his house.

Maybe it's time to find another man that doesn't have so much baggage and try and realize on the one you get that guys can have girls that are friends as well..

Not saying this is what is happening but, I'm willing to bet that some are.. ;)

[hmmmmmmm]

Great opinions and I appreciate it. Will do some thinking...

[hmmmmmmm]

I realize that I'm completely smothering him... but I wonder if its a chicken or the egg first thing? He acts strange, I question and smother, he pushes away, which I think is acting strange, so I question and smother, so he pushes away.... And of course he has girl friends... I've met some of them, he talks to them in front of me, about me... I have guy friends, too... we sometimes get frustrated at eachother about that, but overall... the guy/girl FRIENDS isn't that big of an issue. Its the ones that he's hiding that bother me... if he is hiding them. But why erase all your texts and calls??? Sure, blame it on my snooping... nice cover. I don't want to play stupid games like this. I'm blunt and honest, I don't sneak around to go through his stuff... I do it in front of him. I can see how that would frustrating for him, knowing I don't trust him.... whatever. But, I forgot this... every time I go out of town, he asks if its OK for him to get a massage. He has a couple different massueses, some professional and some "full service". I said I don't care if he wants a massage, but not from any girl that ever "serviced" him. He still wants one particular girl to come that he's seen for a couple years now. He says she's really ugly and that he won't let her do that now that he's with me. He says she knows all his tight spots.

So, how many guys out there think they could tell their girlfriend that an ex lover is coming over and he'll be naked in his bed with her hands all over his body for 2 hours and expect her to think thats ok? I even had to argue with him about wearing underwear when he gets a REGULAR massage. I guess most guys just wouldn't tell their girlfriend. Is that him manipulating me, instilling false trust? Or really trying to respect me?

Now, I am not perfect and I have made my mistakes in this. At one point I just thought we were over and I went to meet a guy I'd talked to once about a nsa fling. I got to his house and realized that if I was to do this, I'd have to break up first. I couldn't respect myself to do that, and I realized that I really do care alot about him and that I WANT us to work it out. I want so badly for us to stop all this bull****, for me trust him, for him to respect me. So, I left, went straight to my boyfriend's house and told him what happened. I'm sure he's pissed and lost some respect for ME then... and I would havme understood if he didn't want me back. But he kept me and so that means he accepts that ****ty thing I did and has to let go of it. And thank god nothing happened. So, I'm not an angel, but this was just a week ago... he's been behaving this way since about a week after we met. And I was in a pretty bad place when I met him and I've turned myself around from knowing him (NOT FOR HIM). I feel a little indebted and hopeful because he was SUCH a good thing when we met. And now its just **** and drama and YES, him being an aRsehole to me, and occasional good times. Ya know, we never even go out. We've gone to dinner ONCE together. And we go out in the desert and play around and stuff... but he doesn't even try to impress me (Guess he's just not that into me)

Man... I don't know what to think. I don't want to lose a good thing, he has good qualities, too. Underneath all this bull**** we're really great together. We have had more fun together than i think I've had with anyone. I'm all mixed up.

[SuckerFree]

What does he need a maid for?

I think your friends might be right on this one!!


Sounds like a real winner.. Just met the guy and He is already treating you crap!!!


Has He giving you any reason too trust him?


Most guys are just talk!! BTW.. I'm sorry you are only getting it twice a week.. If I was just dating that wouldn't be enough for me.. And When I was younger(Well I'm not too old) But, I used to do it 3 or 4 times a day!!!


He might have friends that are girls!!


Is this a relationship or just a going out thing?


It sounds like it!!



Wonder why she left him?



Maybe it's time to find another man that doesn't have so much baggage and try and realize on the one you get that guys can have girls that are friends as well..

Not saying this is what is happening but, I'm willing to bet that some are.. ;)


Hey exhausted, one of these days show me how you can quote partials like that. I have to copy and paste.

[SuckerFree]

I realize that I'm completely smothering him... but I wonder if its a chicken or the egg first thing? He acts strange, I question and smother, he pushes away, which I think is acting strange, so I question and smother, so he pushes away.... And of course he has girl friends... I've met some of them, he talks to them in front of me, about me... I have guy friends, too... we sometimes get frustrated at eachother about that, but overall... the guy/girl FRIENDS isn't that big of an issue. Its the ones that he's hiding that bother me... if he is hiding them. But why erase all your texts and calls??? Sure, blame it on my snooping... nice cover. I don't want to play stupid games like this. I'm blunt and honest, I don't sneak around to go through his stuff... I do it in front of him. I can see how that would frustrating for him, knowing I don't trust him.... whatever. But, I forgot this... every time I go out of town, he asks if its OK for him to get a massage. He has a couple different massueses, some professional and some "full service". I said I don't care if he wants a massage, but not from any girl that ever "serviced" him. He still wants one particular girl to come that he's seen for a couple years now. He says she's really ugly and that he won't let her do that now that he's with me. He says she knows all his tight spots.

So, how many guys out there think they could tell their girlfriend that an ex lover is coming over and he'll be naked in his bed with her hands all over his body for 2 hours and expect her to think thats ok? I even had to argue with him about wearing underwear when he gets a REGULAR massage. I guess most guys just wouldn't tell their girlfriend. Is that him manipulating me, instilling false trust? Or really trying to respect me?

Now, I am not perfect and I have made my mistakes in this. At one point I just thought we were over and I went to meet a guy I'd talked to once about a nsa fling. I got to his house and realized that if I was to do this, I'd have to break up first. I couldn't respect myself to do that, and I realized that I really do care alot about him and that I WANT us to work it out. I want so badly for us to stop all this bull****, for me trust him, for him to respect me. So, I left, went straight to my boyfriend's house and told him what happened. I'm sure he's pissed and lost some respect for ME then... and I would havme understood if he didn't want me back. But he kept me and so that means he accepts that ****ty thing I did and has to let go of it. And thank god nothing happened. So, I'm not an angel, but this was just a week ago... he's been behaving this way since about a week after we met. And I was in a pretty bad place when I met him and I've turned myself around from knowing him (NOT FOR HIM). I feel a little indebted and hopeful because he was SUCH a good thing when we met. And now its just **** and drama and YES, him being an aRsehole to me, and occasional good times. Ya know, we never even go out. We've gone to dinner ONCE together. And we go out in the desert and play around and stuff... but he doesn't even try to impress me (Guess he's just not that into me)

Man... I don't know what to think. I don't want to lose a good thing, he has good qualities, too. Underneath all this bull**** we're really great together. We have had more fun together than i think I've had with anyone. I'm all mixed up.

Next thing you know he will be telling you to go out on the street and sell your stuff. This guy is a player, a pimp. He's using proven psychological techniques to break you down. Now, when I mention such techniques many ladies in here become upset. The thing is though is they work often. I don't advocate them but they work. I have never seen an abusive man without a woman by his side. I have never seen a convicted felon have trouble getting laid. This is where Women must step up to the plate and say NO. I refuse to be treated like this. A woman coming over to give him a massage, are you insane? He is not fun, exciting, anything you are grasping at to stick it out. You are addicted to his mind control tactics. If that is the case, I have trouble feeling sorry for you. I know many Men like this. Hell, I used to be one. Nothing good can come from being by his side.

[sweetface212]

You say you used to be a guy like this one.. I just have one question: Why? I wanna understand why someone would want to put such a hold on someone else, and mess with someone's emotions. Also, you say you USED to be this way. What prompted you to stop? Just very curious. Thanks.

[markus]

Well its obvious where this relationship is heading ......... nowhere

He wanted you as his **** buddy and ended up with a stalker

[SuckerFree]

You say you used to be a guy like this one.. I just have one question: Why? I wanna understand why someone would want to put such a hold on someone else, and mess with someone's emotions. Also, you say you USED to be this way. What prompted you to stop? Just very curious. Thanks.

Well in a word it sucks. The advantages are you get laid a lot more, you make it much harder for the woman to leave. The disadvantages are neither person is never really trusting, and neither is having any real fun. You both are just kinda wasting time something breaks. We have all heard the cliche that nice guys finish last. Or the more modern, nice guys don't get laid. This, for the most part is true. An aggressive man appeals to a woman. Women like men who are men. Many men think that if they are just nice and do as their woman ask all will be well. Unfortunately this is rarely the case. If you aren't always leading and giving your woman a lot of emotions, she will eventually see you as weak and leave or stray. I consider this a reaction. Not a cause. Typically after Woman have been with dozens of these type men, they will look up and say "where are all the nice guys at". To which the nice guys will say, we were here all the time. In short it is an effect that deals with a common cause (not all the time, but alot). Whenever a woman ask me "why are guys assholes" I always reply with "cuz that's what women want". I believe I gave sound advice to this women. It all comes down to you saying is this what I want. Do I really wish to be treated like this and have my mind messed with 24/7. If it is, then don't complain. BTW, that was 2 questions, not one:D

[littlered]

Man, what you said...is SO right! Back in my twenties, I felt like I was wearing a sign that said, "If you are a user who will make me feel like ****, please date me." It took YEARS of dating those "bad boys" to come to terms with the fact that the problem was that I was overlooking perfectly nice men to choose the assholes. Women get into this, "I know deep down he's in love with me and I'll hang around long enough for him to wake up one day and realize that he does." *barf* The nice men were indeed there all along.
You should have your own show like Dr. Phil...only you'd have to be on cable because I don't think the regular networks could handle you:D

[SuckerFree]

Man, what you said...is SO right! Back in my twenties, I felt like I was wearing a sign that said, "If you are a user who will make me feel like ****, please date me." It took YEARS of dating those "bad boys" to come to terms with the fact that the problem was that I was overlooking perfectly nice men to choose the assholes. Women get into this, "I know deep down he's in love with me and I'll hang around long enough for him to wake up one day and realize that he does." *barf* The nice men were indeed there all along.
You should have your own show like Dr. Phil...only you'd have to be on cable because I don't think the regular networks could handle you:D

Damn straight. Bout time somebody starting seeing my genius.

[markus]

Yeah go for it Dr Suckerfree

I'l be your manager :D