needing advice, lots of it [Archive]

lonely

09-03-2006, 09:09 PM

i never thought that any relationship of mine would ever come to this, i've always been very overprotective of my heart, in order for it not to be broken, be in someone elses hands. I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly a year now, (we 1st kissed september 24) and have been pseudo long distance the entire time. I lived outside of philadelphia, finishing up my senior year at Villanova University, and he lived in baltimore, getting his phd at uofmaryland. We had so much in common from the beginning, we met at a sailing regatta, which my life generally revolves around. He was outdoorsy, motivated, (he owns his own house at the young age of 24) and captivating. From that very 1sts weekend on, he was either visiting me or i him, every friday and saturday night, many times more. He talked on the phone constantly and discussed plans to travel together. We camped under the stars, snowboarded, kayaked, renovated a home, went to art museums, the works. I knew that i was graduating in May and was doing an extensive job search, going to plenty of interviews, and although i applied to many places in baltimore, no one got back to me. My family lives outside of Detroit, and i have some very close friends here, so when i was accepted for a high paying engineering/managerial training position at a large chemical firm, i was both extatic and sad. When i told my boyfriend, he was so understanding and told me he would try to move out with me. Things were going so well, basically, i was head over heals, certain he is the one (and not going to lie still sortof thinking that). But always in the back of my mind was this pinge of jealousy over xgirlfriends. He still talked to all of them, and regularly went out to lunch with them, they came over to help him with his house, they went swimming together. I still talk to many of mine as well, but when one called my boyfriends dog jokingly "hers" - it seems there was a line that should not have been crossed. I discovered, being a horribly sneeky, nosy person and reading his email account, that one day while i was visiting him (in may) that instead of asking me to go out to lunch with him on his work break, he went with her, because he quote "had been thinking about you all day, i miss you" When i questioned him when he came home, he did eventually fess up, and explained that she was his best friend before me. he told me he had put her out of his life because it was getting too far. He also confessed he kissed her on Christmas Day, when i was present exchanging with him the day before. My birthday was July 8th, and things became pretty rocky after that, he no longer was able to come to detroit because he was put on salary, and had a house to maintain (which i could understand, we are both very much phone people and could likely handle the longer distance for a period of time-as long as we saw eachother on the weekends.) we were getting in fights all the time and broke up for a few days, not talking at all to eachother. He and i both decided that we loved eachother too much and we should give it a better, stronger try. I went out to visit him 2 weeks later, and read his emails again. This time, there are hundreds from this girl kirsten, who in one, asked how long they had been dating. She also commented on how cute winston (his dogs name) was when he crawled into bed with her in the morning. i was shocked, i didnt know what to do, i couldnt believe what i was reading, it seemed he brought her home to his parents, hes planning on joining a kickball league with her, he's bought her presents. He had blocked her from his relationship status on myspace and facebook, so it seems she knows nothing about me. i didnt know what to do, how to tell him, and i felt somewhat rejected, so i didnt. I instead decided that i was going to win his heart back, hed forget about her. we had an amazing week together, the best sex weve had, and i just kept it in my head. But it was eating me up inside, i couldnt get it out of my mind, couldnt put it past me. I dropped hints of jealousy, lack of trust, but we were really doing well on the outside. he sent me a package that arrived two days ago, the movie the notebook and a bag of popcorn, proposing movie night - on the phone. but before we could watch it together, something happened where he knew i knew. and he told me everything, my worst fears realized. he started hooking up with her in early july, thought it best to end it with me, which we did break up, and then just continued once i got back together with him. after i came to visit though, he changed his mind, told her it was over and devoted himself to me again. i got what i wanted, but why do i feel like this just isnt right? he has a plane ticket to visit me next weekend. Should he come? Should i just not ever talk to him again? should i question the girl?(I have her screen name) Am i a failure for still wanting him? I miss our conversations, the love that we both have. this is what he imed me earlier this morning...
i figured you wouldnt talk to me
then I will do the talking
You may never take me back and some day I won't have the strength to keep asking
but know this
you may stop loving me or even you may stop loving me or even thinking about me, but you will NEVER leave my heart
and you will always be in the back of my mind wondering if you are happy and if you are following your dreams
and if you have found that love that you have always been looking for and cursing myself for not being able to give it to you
i love you kelly
and that wont change

HELP ME!!! im freaking out!!!!!!!