Should I tell the spouse?

[wayoutjohn]

Two years. It's been two years since I found that my wife carried on a sexual affair for over 4 years. We're hanging in there, and we're doing pretty good. But some days are better than others. I'm still on an emotional roller coaster that at times takes me from "this is a better relationship because of the affair and things are really working out" to "I'm a complete idiot for letting her get away with it". All during the same day!

I never told the other wife. I never told her because I felt bad for her and didn't want to see her and her 3 kids suffer. I wanted to to let it go and concentrate on working on my marriage. Last month he sent an email to my wife thru classmates.com thinking that she wouln't tell me. Well, she did tell me. Now, other than beating the living crap out of the guy (which will feel great, but will put me in jail) the only thing I can think of to make sure he gets the message and he gets some payback, is to tell his wife.

My question is, should I have told her from the beggining? Should I tell her now? Should I beat the crap out of him anyway and get real good lawyer?

Thanks.

[SuckerFree]

Of course you shouldn't beat the crap outta him. Assault is a serious charge. But Im glad you are seeking revenge for telling his wife. Most people would say "I think she really needs to know the truth". At least you are honest.

[exhausted]

I think if he is still trying to contact her.. Than hell yes tell her!!! He has turned your world upside down so, turn his the sameway he has done yours...

But, be prepared for the other wife to not believe you.. If she doesn't than its her fault, not yours.. but, it might give ya apiece of mind and make you feel better inside..

[wayoutjohn]

Telling her for revenge is part of it. I would like to "Turn his world upside down" and make his life a little more uncomfortable. But also, by having her in the loop she might be able to keep him from contacting my wife again. I can't beleive the guy had the nerve to contact my wife after I spoke to him 2 years ago and told him to stay away. My wife tells me to forget it, that all that matters is us. And to a degree she's right, but this guy keeps slapping me in the face and I keep taking it!

I have proof of the affair. My wife and I installed monitoring software in our home computer to keep track of the kids web surfing behavior. I always ignored the parts when she was logged in. But one day, I walked into our office and she quickly closed the window she was looking at. Curious, I later looked at what she was doing and there it was! They were chatting about where to meet the next day. The program stored info for 90 days, so I went back and the emails and chat conversations just overwhelmed me. I was sick to my stomach and felt completely empty. The next day, I went into work and dug out the database of all her pager and cell phone records (it helps when you own the telecom company that provided our pager and cell phone services). I was able to go back 3 years and found that they were in touch on an almost daily basis. I then log-in our EZPAss account and downloaded the last 90 days of tolls. The same thing, she always got of at the same exit not too far from the park where they usually met (chat and email records revealed a lot of info about where they met). The next day I confronted her with all the paperwork and she immediately came clean (not much choice).

Sorry guys, I'm rambling. Bottom line is this guy has now really pissed me of and I'm having a really difficult time holding back again. Thanks for the input.

John

[elainegayla]

You HAVE to tell that poor woman. She deserves to make informed decisions about her and the children's future.

And she deserves NOT to get an STD.

If you don't want to get involved, do it through the mail or e-mail (open a false e-mail account). Tell her what you know and tell her you have proof and can get it to her if she needs proof. She might already have an idea and not need the proof. You can black out your wife's info so she won't even know who he was fooling around with. She can snoop and find all the others (and there usually is others).

From a women that has been in her shoes 10 YEARS without knowing, I'm begging you to tell her.

[wayoutjohn]

I see your point. But, I think I might want to do this for the wrong reasons. Mainly to make the guy go thru hell. I don't want that for his wife or her kids. If he would have left my wife alone after the first time I told him to lay off, I would not even be considering this. If I do tell her, I think face to face and why I decided to finally tell herwould be the best.

[markus]

Dont bother telling his wife - he's one of millions out there that would shag your wife if she was up for it - you'd probably **** his wife too
you said that your doing a pretty good job hanging in there and the fact that your wife told you about the email shows she's commited to making it work
thats all that matters

I'm still on an emotional roller coaster that at times takes me from "this is a better relationship because of the affair and things are really working out" to "I'm a complete idiot for letting her get away with it". All during the same day!


The choice has already been made and you know your not going to **** her off now so your main priorty is to get look after yourself and get all that **** out of your head

Get this book it will help http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0722535473/026-2162199-1742035?v=glance&n=266239

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0722535473/026-2162199-1742035?v=glance&n=266239

[SuckerFree]

The next day, I went into work and dug out the database of all her pager and cell phone records (it helps when you own the telecom company that provided our pager and cell phone services)......................



You keep this up and she will own it.:D

[SuckerFree]

I see your point. But, I think I might want to do this for the wrong reasons. Mainly to make the guy go thru hell. I don't want that for his wife or her kids. If he would have left my wife alone after the first time I told him to lay off, I would not even be considering this. If I do tell her, I think face to face and why I decided to finally tell herwould be the best.


Hate, anger, revenge, are perfectly acceptable emotions when the situation calls for them. Knock your socks off, let his ole lady know the truth. Ohh, and tell us how it went.

[wayoutjohn]

You keep this up and she will own it.:D

LOL! I think for now, I'll let it be (again). I have a marriage to work on, kids to feed, and a business to run. Not much time left to worry about his sorry ass. He'll get his eventually. Thanks for all the input guys!

[CaliMom]

Mmmm... I wish that I could do that. Just move on. When I found out about one of the affairs, I called the husband when I finally found him. He was furious..with ME too. Said he wanted to kill dh. I never heard from him again but I think they got a divorce. She was 36. Had slept with my dh when she was 25 and married to a different guy. This was her third marriage. I hope she doesn't ruin anybody else's lives.

The 7 year affair.. the one that ripped me up like your wife's 4 year affair.. nobody knows. Her husband died from cancer (or a broken heart?) and within 5 weeks, she was sleeping with mine again. I didn't find out until 2 years later and it was awful. But thank God I did. It explains so much about my last ten years and why I felt like I was going crazy for all that time. We did Retrouvaille a year ago and that is the only reason we are together today..but it is SO SO hard. I can barely get through 24 hours without triggering about something stupid and here comes the tears.

I would have given anything if someone had told ME years ago what was happening in my marriage. He went from the 7 year affair to another and then another. If I could have found out at some point, we could have dealt with it then. He was such an incredibly accomplished liar. Plus, I WANTED to trust him because I loved him. I have three kids. They felt the pain I was living with too.

I say telling her would do her a favor. It will hurt so much, but it will give her a chance to either begin her life with someone else or give him a swift dose of reality of what he could lose. If he contacts your wife, he is still looking and ready for another affair.

Just some thoughts... I'm happy though that you and your wife are doing so good.