He moved me out & moved her in!

[FooledInAlaska]

Almost a year ago I quit my job with a successful company and moved to Alaska with my boyfriend. He had relocated and we were crazy in love. He told me he wanted to marry me and wished he had met me 10 years prior.
He had been divorced for 5 years from a woman who he had been with for 5 years, but only married for 1 of the 5 years (no kids). She had been cheating on him for 4-6 months out of their marriage. In fact he caught her! Needless to say he ended up divorcing her and never looked back.

Well, we started our happy little life in Alaska in August of 05' and after 5 years of not talking to him she finds out he has a new woman and is in Alaska and can't handle it. At first she tracked down his work email and that didn't really work so she waits a few more months and finds a reason to call him at work. Well she succeeded! He then gave her his cell phone number in April of 2006 and from that point on it all went down hill. He apparently NEVER got over her. They talked on their cell phones for over 2 months straight before I woke up one day and found a note that said "start packing your stuff because you’re leaving". She was living in another state and this is why it was all over the phone. Through those 2 long painful months that he started having an emotional affair with her he turned into one of the meanest people I've ever met. Just acting stone cold, lying, not interested in sex, finding excuses of why we weren't good together, finding reasons to stay at work, finding reasons to leave the house without me and just pure hateful. The funny thing is, is that I told him when she emailed him that I didn't want him talking to her because I felt like she was trying to reconnect with him and he said he would NEVER fall for that. Yah right! I knew what was going on those entire 2 months, but just lied to myself. I confronted him towards the end and he wouldn't admit to any of it. He would just make up excuses of why things weren't working when between the 2 of us we were fine. It was him. HE NEVER GOT OVER HER!

Needless to say I couldn't take anymore pain and things weren't going to get any better so I moved out of Alaska a little over a week of his note.

It's been 3 weeks that I've been gone and he already moved her up there with him. They never even visisted eachother. It was all over the phone for the last 3 months. I guess living in LaLa Land and living in the past makes you do crazy things.

I found out a couple days ago that his entire family whom he is close to hasn't a clue that he was even talking to her let alone moved her to Alaska. The only reason they know is through me. They've been kind enought to to protect what I've told them. I know that they are really upset that the would go backwards in life like that. That just goes to show me he is obviously ASHAMED!

I'm trying my hardest to get through this, but it hurts a ton to be thrown out like yesterdays trash for someone who will NEVER love him the way I truly did.

I hope he gets what he deserves because she'll only screw him over worse the second time. I hope he regrets everything he's put me through!

Has anyone been through a similar situation? Everyone says "oh I give them 6 months before he's sick of her or viseversa". That makes me feel good temporarily, but I need something more. Any suggestions?

[SuckerFree]

Wow, is this guy a Major League asshole or what? Personally I think people put way to much into these type things. They dwell on them and it causes more pain that this person should have ever been worth. Think of it this way, this is not really a man. This is a sub-man. He takes his ex back like that, just over the phone. My god, what a sap. I guarantee he calls you in a few months once she's up there in other men's beds. Isn't it like 9-1 Men to women there? Goodness, this guy doesn't even realize the crap sandwich he's made himself.

[exhausted]

I agree w/suckerfree.. A total loser!! Hopefully if/when He does call you back you laugh in his ear!!! How can He treat you like that and expect you to come back to him? He has made his bed let him sleep in it..

[confused]

I could give you more....but you would HAVE To be a fly on the wall.

And yes..unfortunately you will have to wait 6 months.

Because indeed...he WILL get his.

Karma is a *****. And what goes around indeed DOES come around.

I have been thru what you are talking to...but by gawd NOT TO THAT EXTENT. At my age? I've been thru it all in relationships.

My "similar" one was a fling with (what he called) an "18 year old catholic virgin". She was ALWAYS around...she was ALWAYS calling him....she would ALWAYS find an excuse as to why she needed a ride here or there.

I was concerned...and his reply would be the above phrase. "she's an 18 year old catholic virgin!!!" I'm like...."whaddevah".

Long story short? I moved out of the state. period. it took a long time and a business move to do ...but i did it.
One day we were at a company function....and this little "18 year old catholic virgin" was following him around like a lost puppy....AND like she was upset at her "boyfriend" who was always walking 3 paces ahead of her. (there was a 10 year difference in their age and it definately showed in their actions this particular night).

I was laughing....because they STILL WOULDN'T ADMIT THEY WERE A COUPLE....but boy oh boy were they NOT having fun. He? looked like he wanted to get rid of her....and she? Looked devastated that he was having fun and getting drunk without her. AND she looked angry.

Anyhow....he came up to me all drunk and said simply "I fu**ed up with you". (Mind you, i was completely over him by this time...it had been a year or more i think). I was like "What?" (I truly didn't understand his slurred speech) He said again "I fu**ed up with you. You were the best thing in my life and I really fu**ed it up. I still love you and I always will."

Let me tell you.

This was all i needed.

Did i get back together with him? No.

Did he and she live happily ever after? No. They broke up shortly after.

In hindsight...it all happened the way it should have. I became stronger...and god only knows what the result was for the both of them.
But i do know that he had regret...and i do know that he realized he'd made a mistake.
But for him...it was too late.

Me? I went on to meet other people...and live a great life (thus far).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What can you do now to help you? I found an AMAZING book online that really helped. It tells how you can move on....answers questions like "why" did he cheat? what type of an affair this was....and then moves on to tell you if THEY will last etc. Its pretty cool. I don't know what your financial situation is...but if you can afford about $50 its worth it. You can also download it directly after buying it...to start reading right away. Its a smaller book...but again...helpful. If you're interested...lemme know.

Good luck to you!

[FooledInAlaska]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my story and all the kind words. It’s been a little over a month since I moved away from Alaska. I have my ups and downs and probably driving my friends and family crazy by wanting to talk about it over and over. I guess that is how some of us grieve.

I still can’t get the thought of them being in “our home, bed, doing the things we did” out of my head.

I just don’t understand how someone can wake up one day and totally shut you out like you never existed without signs leading up to it. Then moving his ex-wife into our home 3 weeks after I leave and leaving more unfinished business behind him self. It would be a lot different to fight, argue and have ruff times in a relationship and come to a conclusion that it just won’t work, but we didn’t have anything like that.

I’ve never felt the type of pain I feel today. I’ve never had my heart broken into so many tiny pieces. Being apart of this web-site helps by knowing you’re not alone. The situations are different, but the bottom line is we’ve all been cheated on and it doesn’t matter if was just emotional cheating, physical or both it all hurts the same.

For me, being left for another woman who he divorced because he caught her cheating hurts the most. By god they went to counseling and the counselor told him “you’re wasting your time because she’s not going to leave this man”. She tried to get him back 2 months after that and he said “no”. What the hell is he thinking???? She’s changed?? For the most part people don’t change. I remember lying in bed chatting with him one night during the time he was talking to her over the 2 month period and he kept saying “I’m just afraid of being hurt like I was 5 years ago”. I couldn’t figure out why he would say that. Now it all makes sense. It’s because he was considering taking her back and I hadn’t a clue. I guess if he were to have left me for a woman who was really successful and had a ton going for her it would have still been hard, but he left me for someone who has done nothing with her life and just wants a free ride. I left a successful company and career to be with him!!!

We had so much going for us. We were getting ready to build a house and move forward in life. He has always been the type to move forward and grow and now I feel like he’s taking 200 steps backwards. I also found out that he put off building the house we were getting ready to build. The fact that he can’t tell his family she’s in his life also says something to me. I think that if you’re truly in love you should be able to tell the world. A couple weeks before she moved there (and I still didn’t know she was moving there) he told me he hadn’t been able to sleep at night and that he just would lye in bed staring at the ceiling. I didn’t ask why because he probably would have just lied. I hope he was feeling regret and ****ting his pants for what he had done and was about to do (moving her there), but I’ll never know.

I’m a strong woman and I always land right back on my feet. I’ve already made some changes in my life to get through this hell. He and I had goals and dreams and even though he’s not around in my life doesn’t mean I’m not going to make these things happen. I’m moving to the State we were going to eventually move to move and start building the house I wanted. If it takes me working 2 jobs then that’s what I will do. Just because he decided to take a different path that will lead him to nowhere doesn’t mean I’m going to let that hold me back.

What happens to people like him after they’ve made these choices? Do they live happily ever after? Is he happy inside? Is he miserable? Does he have any regret? Do they really just forget about you like you never existed? I mean they hadn’t spent any time together over the course of 3 months that they had been talking over the phone. The last time they had saw each other had been 5-6 years prior. How can he just move here there and have so much faith especially after what she did to him?????? How can he move me out and move her in without there being any time between. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t do it. It would be natural for me to be comparing the two people and then that would drive me to unhappiness.

I know this reply is long, but I have so much on my heart and it feels good to know people are out there taking the time to read these stories and taking the time to reply.

Fooled In Alaska~

[tillymint]

firstly, i'm so, so, sorry that you are going through this.

Ive been meaning to post a reply for a few days now, but am going through some bad stuff myself and just havent been able to get my thoughts coherant enough to try and give somebody else any advice.

Firstly, i have been something similar but many years ago. I'm mid 30's and you dont get to this age without getting hurt.

I met somebody when I was 21. We got engaged and bought our first house together when I was 25.

He was my first love and I absolutely adored him. A year after moving in together, he suddenly told me that he no longer loved me, and emotionally cut me off very quickly and completely.

Being completely naive at the time. I left the house, signing everything over to him (I could still kick myself now lol).

Neway, 4 weeks later he moved my best friend in!

I am completely over this now, but at the time I was broken. I obsessed over stupid things like her using MY kettle, or eating at MY table. It was almost like she had taken over MY life. Suddenly he was introducing her to OUR friends and I fell apart.

I lost a load of weight, went on a huge drinking spree, and eventually moved 250 miles away.

They stayed together for 2 years and then he ended up doing exactly the same thing to her, cutting her off emotionally etc., I was actually upset when they split, cause if they were really truly "soulmates" then there was nothing I could have done to stop it. But it seems now that they hurt a lot of people (She was actually my cousin as well, so both families got involved) for nothing..

Like I said before I am SO over this now, but it did take time which is what you need to give yourself..

Talk about it as much as you need to. Spill out your feelings on here. Do whatever it takes to move on... Your real friends will listen as long as you need to talk.

You said in your first posting that he never got over it. I wonder if this is actually true. Or whether it's more likely that he never got over what she did to him.

When somebody you love cheats on you, it leaves you with huge feelings of inadequacy. "Why did they cheat on me? Was there something wrong with me ?" "Am I not good enough?" etc., etc.,

By coming back to him and saying she now wants him, has this opened up something he has locked away? Could it be that he has carried this feeling of inadequacy around for 5 years, and now he's thinking.. "See I am good enough!" "There's nothing wrong with me!"

If he has disillusioned himself into this mindset, it won't work. The good feeling that at the moment is eradicating the hurt he once felt, won't last, and soon all the problems which drove them apart in the first place will resurface..

All I can say too you hun, is hang on in there.. You will get over this, I promise. it will take time, but you are taking positive steps already..

Keep us posted, and take care of yourself..

Tilly xx

[FooledInAlaska]

Tilly,

Wow! Best friend and cousin....I'm thinking that tops the cake!! That just hurt my heart reading it.

One more note on this crazy situation is the fact that he can't see that she HASN'T changed. If she had changed she would have respected the relationship she KNEW he was in with me and backed off. Instead it was a complete challenge to her to get him back and get me out of the picture. She knew he was in a relationship and did everything she could to get in touch with him. Her excuse when she got him on the phones was "she felt bad for what the judge ruled in their divorce and wanted to pay him back all the money he had to give her". WHATEVER!!!!

[tillymint]

Don't let your heart hurt over it. It was a long time ago, and I am SO over it.

I saw him a couple of years ago when I went home to see my family. He was in a pub and I felt nothing when I saw him.

I relayed that tale to show you that we DO get over these thiings, but it takes time. And when you do get over it, you come back stronger for the experience.

i know you cant help going over and over it in your mind, but at the end of the day you will never know what her true intentions are, and you are guaranteed to just drive yourself crazy by trying to get into her mind.

You will NEVER be able to understand what her motives are because you are not like her.

If he is a fraction of the man you thought you knew, he will wake up one day and see her for what she is. whether he then realises what he has thrown away with you, remains to be seen.

Hope today is a good one for you, and take care...

Tillymint x

[confused]

You need some "closure" for your heart.

Seriously.

You write BEAUTIFULLY. You express yourself "so well" that i can truly f-e-e-l what you are feeling.......and my heart hurts along with tilly's when i read.

Why not write HIM a letter? You do know your old address right? Do you know his work address? maybe address it to his work...so that you KNOW he will get it rather than "her".
Or maybe send it fed-ex with a "signature" to make sure you know WHO signs for it and gets it.

i dont know. I just really think you have a lot of questions and feelings you need expressed....and i am a true believer in closure.
But NOT for him.

For you and your health.

Even if it is just to say "YOU ASSHOLE"......

anyhow...just a thought.

Other than that?

Of COURSE she hasn't changed. And you being on the "outside looking in" can spot it better than a person "in" it. they say love is blind. so HE could be blind to her ways "yet again"....and this of course is only if it IS truly "love". I tend to side with tilly here...when she stated that it could POSSIBLY be some inadequacy feelings he's been harboring for these past 5 years....and NOW that she wants him back...he somehow feels "whole" again in that he IS good enough.

You know?

He's just STUPID to believe he can get his fulfillment from another individual. Rather than getting it from himself.

Anyhow.....i believe you are doing the best you can at picking up the pieces and moving on....but you should do some reading as well. there are TONS of books on these subjects...and TONS of stuff on the internet as well. Stuff like "how to pick up the pieces after a divorce". That is what REALLY helped me when my man and i had seperated awhile ago. It made me stronger. And rather than hating him for what he did to me....OR....questioning "why" he did them. It made me focus on ME a bit more. How could "I" have improved....spotted the signs.....How can i go on as a stronger person....bla bla bla.

anyhow....write again...and please know that we ALL are here...as shoulders to cry on...or sounding boards for advice.......or just to bounce a bunch of random thoughts and *****ing at.

i've done it....and i will probably do it again...as i am only "in the middle of" a journey to save my relationship too.

[FooledInAlaska]

Confused...

Thank you for the nice words and encouragement. I have thought about writing him, but I haven’t a clue of what I would want to say. Instead I type emails with all my feelings, questions and frustrations as if I were sending it to him and I send it to myself instead.
With as cold as he was the last 2 months and even after I moved away he would still be cold over the phone for the most part.

(just some more bs from the whole stupid situation that I need off my chest)

He promised me he would pay for my move, make my June car payment and keep me on the car insurance until I got a job.
Well, he did pay for my stuff (boxes & car) to be moved back, but he failed to pay my car payment and pay my insurance. I had this weird gut feeling to call my insurance agent the day after the 4th of July to make sure I was still on there and I found out that he had taken me off 6/27. This made me furious! I had been driving around a HUGE city with no car insurance! I called him later that day at least 5 x’s and he wouldn’t answer. I left him a message saying “I can see why you wouldn’t answer my calls after finding out you took me off the car insurance without telling me. Unlike you I keep my promises. I also told him I hope he finds it in his heart one day to apologize for all the hell he’s put me through and that he’s not the person I met. I thought he was a nice and decent person”.
The one funny part about it is the insurance agent put me back on the insurance that day without his approval. She said the worst thing that would happen is that he’d call up yelling about it.

The next day is when I found out she moved there and I couldn’t help myself and called him just to confirm and he actually answered my call. Surprisingly after my message the day before. I just said “so you moved me out so you could move her in huh?” and he said “yep”. What else was he supposed to say….I guess. I mean I did put him on the spot when I know he didn’t expect me to be calling about that or find out for that matter. When I ask him why he did it he really doesn’t have an answer. He just says “I guess it just didn’t work out”. I mean if I were him I’d say “because I love her” or because “I didn’t love you”.

3 weeks before he kicked me out he tried to break up with me and then he turned around in the same conversation and said “I love you, I don’t want you to leave, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry……I will tell her I just can’t talk to her anymore. That niceness lasted 2 days and then he gradually went back to being mean again. My thoughts are he started talking with her and got back under her spell again. What a confused man……

You know, through the whole entire 2 months of him cheating on me I kept my cool. There were only a couple times I acted like a *****. I wanted to so bad, but I knew it was going to get me nowhere and he would only have more stupid ass excuses in his head to justify what he was doing. I was so nice (or maybe I was just stupid) that I left ALL of my brand new furniture. I hardly packed any of my things. I was just so worn out from what I had gone through those last 2 months I couldn’t take anymore. I get mad at myself for contacting him the times that I did after the break up. I probably contacted him 5-7 times after I moved for business reasons only. I never called crying or begging. I feel like all I did was make myself look desperate though. Only once did I tell him that I missed him & Alaska and it would be nice if he could find it in his heart to be nice because it only makes things harder on me.

I guess my point is, is that I’m afraid of ever contacting him again after seeing how stone cold he can be. I would think that he would be nice to me seeing how I’m gone and he has what he wants now. I feel like writing him anything would continue to make me look more desperate. He’d probably just laugh, through it away or take it home and show her.

I’m getting ready to move to another state in the next 6-7 weeks. After I have a job, settled into a places and have my life back on track I will see how I feel then. For now I will keep writing my feelings and focusing on my future. I will definitely look into getting some books to help build myself back up. Thanks!

Fooled In Alaska~

[tillymint]

Hi hun,

Hope today is a good one..

Reading all your posts takes me back to when I was going through my similar experience. Different circumstances, but the feelings are the same..

Confused is Sooooo right when she says you need closure, but I believe that in your situation, only time is going to give you that.

I agree that any letters you send him now are not going to affect him any way... He has closed his heart and his feelings..

He may have done this because if he listens to you or softens towards you, it will make him think too much about things and question whether he has done the right thing..

If he cuts you out completely, then he can concentrate on the route he has taken and has nobody asking him to question whether he has done the right thing. He may also feel guilty about the way in which he has treated you, so he should be, but whilst he is not taking your calls or listening to you then he doesnt have to face up to that.

I wouldnt contact him now, unless it's about finalising other things. It will give you a temporary release of pain IF he is nice to you, but that's all it will achieve.. After the temporary release you will be back to square one, and kicking yourself cause you've contacted him..

Keep writing on here... I will listen anytime you need to offload !

Take Care..

Tilly xx

[FooledInAlaska]

It's funny you say that about him Tilly....closing his heart and his feelings. It's true. Right now he is so clouded that even if he thought he was doing something wrong it's too early in the game to admit to it. Even if he realized he didn’t love her like he thought he did, he’s going to lie to himself right now because he’s in too far. There is no way acting as mean as he has is natural for a person to act. Maybe in this situation, but still I could tell he was forcing himself to act cold and mean the whole time. The truth is that he didn’t want to soften up and he was scared to because he knows he’s going backwards. He told me one time that he NEVER goes back to ex’s. This is also why he didn’t tell any of the friends, family members what he is doing because he was afraid of them telling him it was a bad idea. When he turned around and was nice for those couple of days I had mentioned he asked me to set up counseling for him. So I did. The day of counseling he purposely missed his appointment. He doesn’t want to hear the truth! The other factor here is, is that he is in Alaska where there is no family or good friends to keep him accountable so it’s easy to just move her there and live this private life.

He was bound and determined to go down this path and there isn't anything that's going to stop him. Well, except for her when she leaves his ass! I don't know that he will ever own up to any of the crap he has pulled as he's the type of person who NEVER makes mistakes.

One of his funniest break up/cheating excuses was that he felt like I was looking for a sugar daddy and I was using him. Hello!!! I was working for one of the most fricken successful men in the world, had a brand new apartment downtown and a brand new car! Yah....I was looking for a sugar daddy!!! Anyways......

I guess all I want right now is to get back on my feet and to live the independent life I was living before I moved to Alaska. Down the road I would love to slap him in the face with how I got back on my feet and working for a successful company again. I'm hoping he just finds out through the grape vine. I don't really have any connections with him so who knows if he'll ever find out. The people I do know probably don't talk about me to him.
It would just feel good to say “see you didn’t hold me back asshole”.

I only meant for this to be short and sweet and look it’s another damn book! :D

Off to a job interview...... :)

More later~
Fooled In Alaska

[confused]

You know?

I rarely checked this place when it was just myself talking about my mixed up life. But now? I come back here almost daily...*okay..DAILY YES* to see how you two are (tilly & fooled). We are all in the same. You seem "mature" and level headed....and well....we are all united!

Now...for that letter thing. I had no "time line" on it. I wouldn't be suggesting it if it were for HIM. And of course...it could be 6 weeks from now or 5 months from now....but it needs to be done. And who gives a hoot whether he laughs at it or goes home to show "her". If you write it properly? He wouldn't DARE show her. how do you do this you ask? (and this is plotting your closure AND revenge). You put things in that letter that tell EXACTLY what he was doing with you. You were "making love"...and talking of the future....and this that and the other. (he wont show her...becuz just like lieing to you.....you know DAMN GOOD AND WELL he was lieing to her as well. He probably told her you two were no longer having sex or something).

You tell him things in the letter like HIS FAMILY STILL DOESN'T KNOW...WHY DOESN'T HE TELL HIS FAMILY IS HE ASHAMED? Becuz then if he showed "her"..she'd be like "Your family doesn't know i'm here?"....and that would cause problems for them. (hehehe)....

anyhow....i guess what i'm saying is.....write the letter when you feel you need to. But you have some issue's to tell him.

and WHADDYA MEAN YOU LEFT "YOURRRRRRR" NEW FURNITURE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOU NEED TO ARRANGE TO GET THAT STUFF BACK THEN. *grrrrrr*

and the insurance thing? that woulda p*ssed me off something fierce...but good for you for getting your name back on.

He does sound like a cold bastard really. So....you are right....just keep writing emails and sending them to yourself...to work out some of your anger and hurt......in addition to moving to a new city...and finding a new job/career. Once you're on solid ground again you can find where your head is at CURRENTLY and go from there.

But what a bastard.

You know? I think he got so cold and closed off....becuz that was the ONLY WAY he could possibly move forward with her. He shut off that part of his life and feelings...so that the "guilt" wouldn't ooze thru.

You know DAMN WELL there are feelings going on there. Seriously. Just like you have all this stuff going on in your head....do not think for one second that he doesn't either. He is so f'd up right now. he doesn't know whether he's coming or going. SURE he has some good times in there....but lemme tell you......whats going to happen when he's second guessing his decision? (which he may well be doing now) Is he going to call and tell YOU he made a mistake? *hell no...and he shouldn't and you wouldn't want him too*.....Is he going to tell his family? *hell no...cuz they dont even know*....is he going to tell her? HELL NO..becuz he's a coward...and he'll tell her like he told YOU the last 2 months of your relationship. (which of course means...he'll just get cold and not talk)...

she'll get hers...
and if he aint got his yet...its comin.

HOW DID THE INTERVIEW GO?

[FooledInAlaska]

I really like how you put things confused. You have a way of putting things “the way they are”. No BS behind any of it and that is good! That is what most of us need to hear. Whether they take the advice or not it still needs to be said.

And you too Tilly! You have a way about with what you say that makes so much sense. I always look forward to reading replies from the both of you (tilly & confused).

I will definitely consider doing the letter thing one day down the road once I’ve moved and my head is a little bit clearer.

He had to have been lying to her. That is the only way he could have gotten through the whole thing. But you know? She didn’t care and still doesn’t. Any details of me are irrelevant to her. All she wants is the success he’s built himself in the last 5 years and the possibility that he will take care of her like he did before. He did everything for her and she probably had to find out the hard way that nobody else would fall for her ****. She will get bored quick though. I didn’t make it much of a challenge for her to get him and now that I’m gone I don’t call him whining and crying so that makes it even less challenging for her. Trust me here! This recycled white trash is from the south and was considering going there before he moved her ass to AK. She is going to HATE Alaska!!! She loves warm weather and lots of shopping malls. She’s in a small town and will have to drive far to get to the mall. Winter starts in September. That is going to cause some drama!

The guys and big asshole I will admit, but what he doesn’t realize that he’s grown as a person these last 5-6 years and possibly even changed. Her on the other hand I think hasn’t grown and isn’t the type to put the extra effort into herself to make any self improvements. This is what he is going to find out in the next few months. The things he used to love about her or could tolerate probably won’t be accepted after a while. For now he’s lying to himself and SHE is faking it.

Hell! A year ago he was in another state and ran into some people who had seen her. They said she had died her hair black and was wearing white make-up and looked horrible. Then when she emailed him back in November she told him she had chopped all of her hair off and died it brown. She also told him she got addicted to caffeine. She said she would drink 10 cups a coffee a day and shake all the time. Lost all this weight and blah, blah, blah! Caffeine my ass! This woman is 37 years old and sounds fricken unstable as hell! This is why I say she hasn’t changed. She’s this far in life and doesn’t even know who she is.

For some reason my gut does tell me he’s not as happy as I bet he’d like everyone to believe he is. Nobody feels good when they go backwards in life.

If he does ever call me and I think there is a possibility that he will. He will probably start off by telling me he went to counseling. Towards the end of our relationship I was pushing hard for it and he agreed he needed it. Hell he had already printed out the forms to look into it. So if he does call that will be the excuse he uses to call me with.

I hate when people say “they deserve each other” or “maybe they are in love”. That is stuff I just don’t want to hear right now.

I think I’m with the both of you with the regards to his inadequacy feelings he's been harboring for these past 5 years.

You really think he’ll do the same to her as he did to me? So when/if he does end up telling his family. How do you tell your family that you’re taking your cheating ex-wife back? He’s so big on looking perfect in his families eyes (everyone for that matter) and this makes him look like a fricken idiot!

I really need to stop putting so much into these two freaks, but I’m the type of person who needs answers and needs to understand and none of it makes sense and probably never will. All I want is for them to fail and I know this sounds horrible. I want to know that they will fail and I want to know when!!! I feel so crazy……

The job interviews are going “OK”. I can’t wait to get a job and my life back. He set me so far back that sometimes I just think “how come all this bad stuff is happening to me and he’s sitting in his life just fine. He’s getting everything he wants. Nothing about his life has changed except that I’m not there anymore and this is what he wanted”.

Hope you guys are doing well. :)

Until next time~
FIA

[tillymint]

FIA

Me and confused make a good double act don't we ?! Maybe, we should think about writing a book together on "How to put up with men, the S***s" !!!

You know what I felt exactly the same.. "why is it that Ive done nothing wrong, but he's sitting pretty and Im at rock bottom"

He was sitting in a brand new house that has tripled in value in the last 8 years, with my ex best friend and I was house sharing with a couple of girl friends whilst I was saving my butt of to get myself back into the same financial position I was in before he cheated.

I also left all the furniture, plus the car, plus gave him £1000 to help him with the mortgage for the first couple of months whilst he got used to coping with it on his own.

This was all done because I loved him, and I wanted him to look back in the future and think " God, she was good to me." "God, Ive made a mistake in letting that one go !"

This was before I found out that he was with my ex best friend!

I obsessed about them for years.. as she is my cousin I would hear about their relationship all the time.. so I couldnt get closure, which why I moved so far away from it..

Yes they were sitting pretty at first, but now ? He's 40, he's single and got no kids (he always wanted a huge family), and YES he's still sitting pretty in a lovely house BUT he's on his own..

SHE wrote me a letter a couple of years back apologising and saying how she now realises how hard good friends are to come by, and she misses me..

My response ? None.. other than to put the letter in the bin..

SHE is also single, drinks a lot and drifts by on state benefit..

ME ? Ok, Im going through a tough patch but prior to the last couple of weeks, was happy, contented and got a beautiful daughter..

I no longer think of them at all really, and if I do, its to kick myself that I was naive enough to let them get away with that ****, especially the financial side of it..

I do belive that what turns around, comes around.. We sow what we reap.. Karma..

Whilst I do know how hard it is for you to move on, its so hard NOT to think about THEM all the time and to try and analyse everything BUT as I said earlier you will NEVER understand her, because you are not made from the same ilk..

HIM, I personally think he's made a huge mistake.. He probably KNOWS he's made a BIG mistake, but he's too far in now to turn back...

I think Confuseds comments about writing the letter, filling it with personal comments, is a good one... my first thought was a letter wasnt a good idea, but i didnt think of doing it like that... However, I would put it off for a while as you may feel totally different in the next couple of months (I hope so :-) )

Its so easy to give advice when you are outside looking in, but if I could give you one bit of advice from my own experience, it would be to not let HIM/THEM steal the next couple of years from you..

My late 20's were completely crap because I let myself obsess so much on them.. and now 8 years on, I feel nothing for either them.. what a waste of a chunk of my life..

Glad the interviews are going well... keep us informed and take care of yourself...


love Tilly
xx

[tillymint]

******HIM, I personally think he's made a huge mistake.. He probably KNOWS he's made a BIG mistake, but he's too far in now to turn back...******


FIA,

Just had another thought on this..

Do you think that the he needed closure on this ? Do you think that he NEEDED to do this for his own peace of mind.. so HE could say "Ive done everything I could do, now I can walk away ?"

I feel like trekking over to Alaska, all the way from the UK, and shaking him by the scruff of the neck.. Im coming to the conclusion that all men are really little boys, just with bigger bits.. !!

Your story has really got to me, and like Confused said I found this site by accident, and originally logged in to offload my own hurt, but I log in every day, yeah me too :o , and you end up really feeling for people..

Would like to extend the Confused and Tilly club to include you !!

Take Care
Tilly x

[tillymint]

Just had a thought for a name for "our club"

TCF Survivors....

TCF our initials..

but really stands for ... The Cheating F*****s Survivors...

:) :D :) :D

What do you think ?! lol

Tilly x

[sweetface212]

You know what girls? I've been reading your posts EVERY DAY now, for a while. I originally came onto this site to unload crap about my boyfriend, and didn't realize how many people are in the same boat as me. I thought I was all alone, dealing with a cheater who refused to admit his guilt, and then turned everything around on me. However, I've come to this site every day since (and even made it a "FAVORITE" on my cmputer). You ladies truly have a way with words, and everything you write makes so much sense.

FIA, I'm so truly sorry for what you're going through, but it seems to me that you're handling it in such a classy, civilized way, in a way I could only hope to handle it in if I were in your situation. As for Tilly and Confused, your advice is priceless. My situation was drving me crazy, because I'm a very logical person (heading to law school next year), and I just COULD NOT understand how a man could do the things my boyfriend had done, but never fess up. I really thought I was going to go insane. But reading your comments and posts (even if they were meant for someone else's situation) helped me understand that it's not me, and maybe I'll never get the answers I've craved from this guy, but one day it won't even matter.

Your words are like therapy in itself (therapy that I don't have to pay for), and I hope you guys realize that there are probably many others like me, who although we may not necessarily respond, but we DO read these posts, and they help make our days just a bit easier. I don't know FIA, maybe one day this idiot of a man may realize what he's done, and maybe he won't, but all you can strive for is that if that day comes or not, you just won't care either way. I once read in a fortune cookie fortune "the minute you truly let go, it the minute he's instantly yours." It don't neccesarily mean you'll want him, but this situation is preparing you for something bigger.

We're all God's soldiars, and the ones who have the tougher battles are the ones God has a high regard for. He only puts us in situations He knows we can handle, and I promise you, you'll be okay if you focus on the most important aspect of your life right now: YOU. Good luck, and I'll keep you in my prayers.

~sweetface

[confused]

*applause* B-R-A-V-O!!!!

Thank you thank you thank you. You have NOW painted a 'true' picture of this turd girl! *lol

I'm SO excited to be even "thinking" about her in the Winter! Her and her "dyed back to brown hair and boney skinny shaky ass" up in AK in her small little town where the closest thing to a mall will be the local store selling dream catchers & turquoise jewelry! *woot woot*

Seriously tho....TOO FREAKIN FUNNY! I'm sorry but i can't resist this..."they are MADE for each other!"...

*snicker*...okay...now back to seriousness.

They are NOT made for each other...but they WERE "made" for a different time. Yes...when he was younger.....and she? 37? still aint got the sh*t together? Sheesh. What love (or lust, or the ILLUSION OF LOVE) will do to you.

You are sooooOOOOoOOOO strong! I am so proud of you! You really do have your stuff together.....your head straight....and looking at this with great perspective! (This is sometimes what I hate about myself.....I don't know how you feel)...<----What do i mean? Lemme tell you.

I am SO strong. I am a "single woman" homeowner. Business owner. Mother...bla bla bla....that sometimes? People just do not see me as weak. As a person who indeed DOES 'f-e-e-l'. Someone who DOES 'h-u-r-t'. They are always believing i will make the right decision. That i am strong...and that i shall survive.

But sometimes? i'm a wreck becuz of this. becuz i MUST be strong to hold up that "image" of me.....(and yes....that P-A-R-T of my personality)...but? There is another side of me....that NEEDS to be taken care of. NEEDS to be loved. NEEDS to be nurtured by a strong person.

And that side of me? Sometimes lays in bed crying....and thinking about what "could have been"....and "why".....etc.

I think you probably have this side as well......but on the "outside lookin in" you are controlled......and are doing everything correctly to heal from this.

Nothing seems to be the right thing to say honestly....becuz they're all cliche's really. You know what i mean.......right?

But to "end" in a cliche'....."That which doesn't kill me,,,,makes me stronger".

And this is so true.......

[confused]

AHHHhHHhHh i LIKE. You're silly.......and so is Tilly.....and we are "rockin". *lol

(i'm in a weird mood this morning)

[confused]

You bookmarked this page too? you favorited it? *me too*

Thank you so much for the compliment above! That just MADE MY DAY! There is definately a commorodity that we all share isn't there? I first came here just like everyone else....in that i was offloading my frustration...and hoping for some helpful advice.

I got it....and i did it.....and now i've met what appears to be some great people. This will keep me coming back as well......

[FooledInAlaska]

Tilly,

To answer your question about him needing closure was a good question that I forgot to post in my stories. The night we had our big talk when he was sorry and was going to tell her he couldn’t talk to her anymore. Well, I had asked him that night why he needed to talk to her and she said “he didn’t know, he guesses that he’s looking for closure or some answers”. Just a piece of the puzzle I failed to mention.

What do you mean by him thinking "Ive done everything I could do, now I can walk away ?" Do you mean he’s going back and trying it again and if it doesn’t work out he can walk away with that feeling?

You know I was looking at some of his pictures when he was with her and he doesn’t look near as happy as he does in “our” pictures. Not that means anything, but I could just see a huge difference in his stance and personality. In hour pictures he was always happy and playful. Their pictures are more serious and boring looking.

We had this connection that only we understood. We were always acting goofy and having fun. Towards the end he just turned mean and ugly. It was like the devil had a hold on him.

I guess he needed to do this for his own questions he had in his life. I just wish I would have known he had all these questions. My life is suffering in a big way from it and it sucks!!!!!!!

He sent me back here with a whole $150 dollars. He had me spend most of my savings to get all my dental work done before I left for Alaska because he didn’t want any of it lingering. Over the course that I live in Alaska he did take care of me financially, but when I moved there he said I didn’t have to work I could do whatever I wanted. He made my car payment and took care of most everything. I am thankful for that. In return I took care of him and our home. I did work a part time for a while, but that was so I could still take care of us and our home. I always tried to make it so our weekends weren’t full of household chores. But now to not know how you are going to make you car payment, pay a doctor bill, pay a cell phone bill or any other bill sucks! I’ve never lived my life like this. Trust me I’m looking for jobs like crazy, but people don’t give you call backs like they used to. I don’t know where that resume goes once I send it off in an email! 

I am fortunate to live with a friend right now that has helped me out in ways that I don’t know if anyone else could. I’ve was able to make my car payment last month due to my friend. This month is going to be a challenge. I’m doing what I can to make it so I don’t have to borrow more money.

Sweetface – Thank you for your comments. I was the same way when finding this web-site I was mostly looking to unload all my problems and now I come on here 2-3 times a day….(mostly because I don’t have a job ). If I had a job probably only 1 time a day, but I like to read the new post and what people are going through. For the first week I was just reading because I hadn’t a clue of what to say to people. I feel like I can’t even figure out my own situation let alone give advice. Now I’m feeling a lot more confident and am able to give advice here and there. Thank you for keeping in your prayers because they are much needed! I will do the same for all of you too!

Tilly – if you do go trekking over to Alaska make sure you take Confused with you! While you guys are shaking him by the scruff of the neck also make sure to do a little smack down on the recycled white trash too! Oh yah…..and make sure you take her some CAFFINE!!! :p

Tilly – I’ve been so selfish with my own deal that I thought to myself “I wonder what Tilly and Confused wrote about” so I went back to find your original post that you started on your situation and I’m still reading everyone’s post on there. I had started reading them before, but didn’t put 2 & 2 together. It’s taking me a while, but I’m sure I will get through it by today sometime (in between looking for jobs) :D

Confused – I read your posted thread and it sounds like things are back on track for you. Sounded pretty ruff there for a while, but it sounds like your man has/is coming to his senses. Glad to hear it! We need some happy endings on this web-site. :o

Later girlys~
FIA

[sweetface212]

Sometimes it's therapeutic to give advice, even if our own situations are less than ideal. I've been told by one of my very good friends that I should keep a journal and write in it all that I'm going through, and then one day publish it so that it could help others get through their issues. Although I'm not quite there yet, I do realize that there are some VERY strong women (AND men!!) out there, who get dooped on a daily basis, but we just HAVE to keep on trekkin. One day it'll all make sense, but until then, we'll always have this site, and these posts.

Sidebar: If you ladies are gonna head to Alaska for some major ass-kickin, can you make a pit-stop in Nrth Carolina and kick my man's ass too? He tends to get himself caught in situations with Southern white-trashy chicks too. Now don't get me wrong, I don't blame the females for my man's infedelity, but I DO blame them once they know I'm with him, and they continue to act on their desires. And while you're there kickin his ass, feel free to claw/bite/punch/or any other aggresive verb you can think of, any girl that he may be with.

Thanks ladies!! Have a lovely afternoon!!!

[FooledInAlaska]

Confused! :D

Yep winter!!!! Just a couple months away for those in Alaska! :p One more thing about this biatch…..she’s the type to buy furniture that you can’t sit on. Everything is for looks! She bought a white couch once and he wasn’t allowed to sit on it. She MADE HIM SIT ON THE FLOOR! I hope she likes my new furniture that I bought LAST YEAR! Actually, I hope she doesn’t like it and *****es about it so he has to go spend more money to buy whatever it is she likes. When I look at the person (him) I know or knew he just doesn’t seem like the person who would want to put up with that crap.

I have my days where I feel strong, but I think that if it weren’t for finding this web-site and reading yours & Tilly’s posts about my situations I might not feel that way. I mean it helps talking to my friend and I see a counselor once a week. He’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I had been seeing him for over 4 years before I left for AK and when I got back a month ago he’s been so nice to see me once a week at no charge. He cares. 

I seriously need to take the advice that was given to me and quit thinking about him/them and what they are doing. It only drives me insane. I think IF I had a lot more going on in my life (job preferably) I wouldn’t think about it as much. I’m in my early 30’s so I don’t want to waste a bunch of time worrying about them. Sometimes it’s so hard because I’ll think “I wonder if he is regretting doing all this, I wonder if he thinks about me, misses me, misses what we had, does he compare her to me, is he really in love with her, did he really love me, does he miss all the things I did for him and blah, blah, blah.

I KNOW things will get better for me, but WHEN! I mean I’ve been going through hell for over 3 months now and it would just be nice if something would go my way.
Hell….maybe today will be the day!

Well, I’m going to go warm my coffee up, make some phone calls and make today a better day.

As for you guys I sit and wonder sometimes “who is this Tilly person and who is this Confused person”. It’s kind of funny in so many ways that a web-site like this could bring such great people together in a weird strange way. You guys know what I mean!

Ok sistas! I’m off…..until the next postings~

FIA

[FooledInAlaska]

My good friend also says that I should write a book about my life and what's happened. I would love to, but seems to be a lot of work and thought to have to remember all the details which you want to forget so badly.

I'm with you when you don't blame the chicks, but after they KNOW you exist and they still pursue your man or don't stop it at all it becomes their fault too!

I think a real woman would say "your in a relationship right now....if you ever become single and I happen to be single also let's chat" or something like that. BUT NO! I think these fricken woman seek men that have a woman because it's a sick challenge of theirs to see how much the man wants their nasty asses!

In my situation she knew we were together back in November and between then and April she was trying to think up ways to get to him. She had a plan and it worked! No she's his problem! I say that (she's his problem) and I want to mean it and believe it, but that one is still hard for me too. I figure if I keep saying stuff like that I will train my brain to think like that.

I need to get back to business so I will chat with you girlys later~

FIA..... aka CSF!!! :D

[FooledInAlaska]

I was thinking about the letter AGAIN and I do think it’s a great idea. If I’m going to write it and put my time and effort into it I do want it to be taken some what serious when he receives it. I don’t have an exact time to do it, but I would like to do it when I a bit more stable and when their honeymoon phase has passed. I’d like him to read it when he has passed this phase as he may have given what he’s done to me some actual thought. Make sense?

There is a detail I have left out of this story as it probably makes no difference and at the same time some people may think I’m crazy for it. My flight left on a Sunday out of Alaska and the night before, him and I had sex and it was the craziest thing. For going those weeks with him not wanting to touch me and then have sex that night and all day the next day was crazy. You would think it was good-bye sex or something, but I’m not quite sure what got into the both of us. It was the best and most different kind of sex that we had ever had. He had asked me “why didn’t you tell me that you wanted this type of sex” almost like this was the answer to his leaving me, but I’m positive this is not the reason. Some of you might think how could you have sex after everything he did. When you are in the state of mind that I was in (sad that I’m leaving my home, my life and the man I loved more then anything) you might have done the same thing. I feel good about the sex part of it in a weird way. This is what I left him with. Along with the long hug and serious crying at the airport. He wasn’t crying, but I was crying hysterically. He left in a hurry as I don’t think he could handle it. I’m sure this left him with even more confusion and question with the huge decision he was making. :rolleyes:

The day I left he spent the entire day with me and left his phone in the car as I’m sure she was calling him and he just didn’t want to deal with it.

In a sense he was cheating on her with me. You think? Obviously they had some sort of connection. I’m sure she would be mad to know that he had sex with me even THOUGH it was my relationship that was ending!!! :mad:

Anyways, when I do write the letter I will make sure to mention this sex that we had! :D

FIA

[tillymint]

Hey whats been going on ?! I leave you lot alone for an afternoon, and you write a novel in my absence ! lol

My head is battered now with trying to retain all the information !!

With regards to writing a book, u should print off all the messages from this thread and you've got a best seller hehe !

All that's really sank in FIA is that you had sex the night before you left him ?

Im trying really hard to get my head around that one... I can understand this from your point of view cause you were/are in love with him BUT I'm having problems seeing it from his point of view..

I know that men can have SEX when they have no emotional attachment but if he's supposedly leaving YOU for the love of his life (this is highly questionable) then why on earth did that happen ?

As the story is unfolding, I'm becoming more and more convinced that he's gone back to erase the bad feelings that she left with him the last time..

SHE (spit in disgust) sounds bloody awful. Like she's lost the plot completely..

God i know there's loads of issues I want to comment on but im going to have to go back and read all the postings again, cause Ive got a memory like a sieve at the moment..

Looks like Ive got a posse coming to Alaska with me.. Good job really cause ive never been to the States and wouldnt have a clue how to get there lol !

Will follow this message up shortly when ive had time to digest everything else lol

take care

Tilly x

[tillymint]

Sweetface, your message was lovely and made me smile (not easy to do at this moment in time!) so thankyou :)

Tilly x

[tillymint]

Thank you thank you thank you. You have NOW painted a 'true' picture of this turd girl! *lol

I'm SO excited to be even "thinking" about her in the Winter! Her and her "dyed back to brown hair and boney skinny shaky ass" up in AK in her small little town where the closest thing to a mall will be the local store selling dream catchers & turquoise jewelry! *woot woot*



Confused, you had me howling with the above !!! It's the funniest thing Ive read for a long time !!

FIA, hold onto the above image whenever you're having a bad moment, it's sure to bring a smile to your face whenever you're feeling low !!

Tilly x

[FooledInAlaska]

First off I have some good news!!!!

I received calls from two large companies for phone interviews scheduled for next week!!!

Both of them are in the state I’m moving to so it’s even better!

Secondly, ALL of you have made me laugh with the funny things you've said!! Thanks for making my day!

I’m going to TRY to keep this post short, but Tilly when you do post your comments again will you go into more of what you mean with regards to him “As the story is unfolding, I'm becoming more and more convinced that he's gone back to erase the bad feelings that she left with him the last time”.

I received a phone call from the insurance agent in Alaska today. She said she would call me when he called her or came in to see her about me being added back onto the policy. I guess he wasn’t rude or anything, but he didn’t like that she added me back on there after he took me off. She told him that it wasn’t right to leave someone out there hanging without insurance and that I had asked to be put back on. He was like “really even if the vehicles in another state?” He said well I need her off of there because I’m not paying her bills.

I got a little upset after the phone call. I knew this day was coming though. When she added me back on there I knew he was going to have a cow when he received the bill. The good thing is he didn’t add the biaaaatch on there. My agent said she was going to ask him if there was anyone else he wanted to add on. I was like NO don’t ask him that! Who cares! So she said that she wouldn’t ask that.

Alaska, North Carolina…..anywhere else there should be some ass kicken done?

Ok, I’m done posting for now…… I’ll let you people that actually have a life catch up!

I know this is going to be a strange question, but are any of you redheads?

[FooledInAlaska]

Tilly & Confused :confused:

Did I give up on the relationship too soon? Did I not try hard enough? Or was he going to do this regardless? Would things have gotten worse if I stayed? He asked me to leave so I did. Even after he asked me to leave and I started packing my stuff he was still mean. Some days he would be nice to the point where I would have a glimpse of hope and then a couple hours or the next day he would be mean again. At the end I asked if we could please work things out and go to counseling (even though we didn't have problems that I knew of), but he said no and it was over. When I would ask him what the problems were he would just say "why are digging? All you do is dig, dig, dig. It seems like you just want me to put you down and tear you apart. Then he would say it's OVER, IT'S DONE WITH, IT'S DEAD, MOVE ON!!!"

A couple of my friends said with as mean as he has been (with cutting me out, no compassion & not following through with paying for things he said he would) says a lot about his core personality and this is who he is.

I have a hard time wrapping my thoughts around that as I've never met anyone that has acted this way. I keep blaming it all on the situation and him acting that way was due to the situation. ???? :confused:

Still to this day none of it makes sense. I guess this is where the closure letter comes in. Right?

Sorry for overwhelming you guys with post, but today is a day where I have so much going through my head and heart. I can't wait for a month or 2 from now. I'm hoping to feel better and look back on some of these post thinking wow! I’ve grown so much.

[confused]

Listen.....

You do NOT have to "send" it you know. But at LEAST "begin" writing it. Get this stuff OUT OF YOUR HEAD...and down on paper. I'm telling you...it makes you feel as tho you are a "third party" to the situation...and you can look at what you've written with some perspective. Then cross off this sentence (too harsh) and add this sentence.......delete that paragraph (too sappy) and add what JUST popped into your head a minute ago.

Get the picture? It's a "work in progress". The "final letter"? Could take you a WEEK STRAIGHT of rewriting etc. But you can get your thoughts ALL OUT...onto ONE area...rather than having them ramble around in your head knocking here and there randomly. THAT? Can make you go insane.

I am telling you. It has ALWAYS HELPED ME to get it DOWN on paper.....then the "random thoughts" become paragraphs that make sense. BELIEVE ME..you will start getting p*ssed off again. And that? Is MUCH BETTER than an aching heart.

This guy? Is an ASS HOLE. And i mean that with a capital AYY!

Seriously. When you continue to write about what he did...and how he acted....i just grow angrier and angrier. HOW DARE HE.

And HELL NO you shouldn't have stayed with him and attempted a reconcilliation. I would have been outta there as fast as you. I think that we are attempting to "save" the relationships WE'RE in...becuz of the children number one.....and that "family entity". You know? But our situations differ for a few reasons.

1. The kids as mentioned
2. The length of time in the relationship
3. (and here's a big factor) WE HAVEN'T BEEN ASKED TO LEAVE. We are the one's doing the asking. And if i were asked to leave? or TOLD to leave? That someone didn't want to be a part of my life anymore? I would of course question why...but in the end i'd be gone. It's like that Bonnie Raitt song..."I can't make you love me if you don't........You can't make your heart feel ....something it wont".

So if someone DIDN'T love me (or claimed they didn't)...and backed that up with major attitude? Being an asshole? Hey....i wouldn't have the door hittin me on my way out.

YOu did right by leaving.

And you will feel MUCH better in the long run down the road.

We just don't see it now. That ole' addage of "everything happens for a reason"? I firmly believe in that. It's true. WHY is the question. And if we could see the future...well.....hell....we'd all be livin a dandy (or crappy) life....but since we CAN'T see the future...we have no clue why all this is happening to us now.

All i can say with DEFINATE CERTAINTY is this.

I have loved in the past.....and i have been hurt in the past.....i have had some loser boyfriends.....and some winner boyfriends who didnt' feel the same about me.........and in the end? It all happened to bring me to where i am in life now. And i have survived. And i've been happy. And i've lived....and loved...and traveled.....and met people....and LIFE CONTINUED.

So no matter HOW CRAPPY my life may have seemed at that time 5 years ago....or 6 months ago.....or 3 weeks ago......or 10 years ago....or back in highschool?

In hindsight...it wasn't all that crappy after all. And now? I look back and laugh at certain things.

This too shall pass......and it will become one of those "milestones" in your life which you can look back on and gauge how you've grown.

If that made sense? Great. If not? I'm tired...and i didn't want it to anyway! *lol*

[tillymint]

Fia,

You sound as if you're having a bad day hon.. hold on to the fact that they will gradually begin to become fewer and fewer..

I agree with Con on this one. I don't think you walked away too soon. In fact I think you've given him too much of you than he deserves.

You've hit the nail on the head when you say that maybe the mean side of him is the core of his personality.

When I was going through my similar experience, he treated me terribly towards the end. We stayed in the same house for 3 months after we had broke up, and it was awful.

I would regularly be in tears, begging him to stay and he would flinch if I tried to touch him. I remember once sobbing at the breakfast table and he sat there eating his cornflakes, and just watched me like something that had crawled out from under stone.

That was the turning point for me, and I knew that there was no going back.

It was only when I found out that he was with my best friend that everything slotted into place.

I would regularly hear stories about how well he was treating her (just like he did with me at first) and I would tear myself to pieces thinking that I must have bought the mean streak out in him, and that it was all down to me.

But you know what, he stayed with her for 2 years and then threw her out. He treated her with the same meaness that he had shown me, and she reacted exactly the same way that I had. She lost a load of weight, hit rock bottom and fell to pieces.

He treated us both so badly that our self esteem was on the floor.

It was only when he did this to her that I realised that the man that I thought I had loved, didn't actually exist. What he showed me of himself at the beginning of our relationship was not him.

Im not saying that this is the case with your ex but it is a possibility.

Turning to my earlier postings where I said your ex is going back to his ex to eradicate his earlier feelings is based on when I got back with my current partner after an eight month split. he had hurt me so badly the first time around and when he got back in touch with me and said he wanted me back I went back without a seconds thought. One of my friends at the time said, "The main reason you are going back to him is to prove that you are loveable, you are worthy of his love. You're going back to stop the feeling of inadequacy that he left with you the 1st time around."

If my first boyfriend had asked me back when I moved out of the house, I probably would have done the same. I was so deep in the mindset that only he could take away the hurt, that I honestly believed that only he could make me feel better. Of course thats not true, and I can see that clearly now. If I had gone back, he would have eventually broke me down to nothing.. He wasnt stronger than me, just harder.

I genuinely believe that your ex has gone back to his ex for these reasons. To eradicate the feelings of inadequacy that she left with him.

I can't blame him for this as I've harboured the same feelings myself in the past BUT and this is a massive BUT the way that he treated you in the process is absolutely appalling and there is NO excuse for his behaviour.

This comes down to his "core" personality and you've seen the very worst of it. Ask yourself IF you would want him back knowing that he has this side of him, and knowing what he is capable of.

I think from your writings that YOU are so much better than this, and deserve SO much better than this.

There will be a turning point where you say, "ENOUGH" and when it does you will be so much stronger.

My dad says to me that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and sometimes you've got to wear a jumper to cover it, and it's true. I, like Con, have been hurt in the past and now I try and step a little bit back, and keep a tiny bit of myself back before I give 100% to anyone - self preservation.

Take care and excellent news about the job interviews.. fingers and toes crossed for you !

Tilly xxx
P.S. Have naturally auburn hair with lots of red hilights (its not this colour at the moment though). Have you been to see a fortune teller ? :)

[sweetface212]

So this morning I came into work, and a girl who works on my floor was in the bathroom looking kind of sad. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me her boyfriend had just broken up with her. That's not such a big thing, one would think, right? But it's HOW he broke up with her that she was so upset about. They had been together for a little over 2 years, and were talking marriage, kids, the whole nine. They were supposed to go to a wedding (one of his family members') a week later. They got into a little argument about what movie to go see on a random Sunday evening, and they didn't end up going to the movies. She came home from work the next day and found a note sticking on her windshield (yes, A NOTE). He broke up with her using a note. Three days later she found out he was back with his ex-girlfriend. This story just reminded my of the convos on this site, and the things you are going through FIA. Although it may not have been as long a relationship, the hurt of rejection is still the same. I told her that it wasn't her, this guy was an idiot, and she needs to let this girl have him, someone who's so weak he breaks up with his girlfiend of 2 years using a note. She said to me "I know, but I still love him. I want him back." That made me wanna just hug her cuz I knew how much her heart was breaking. This happened about a month ago, and she's still in so much pain.

Ladies, it's so sad to know that these excuses for men are everywhere. Not just in Alaska, or North Carolina, or in the UK. They are ALLLLLLL AROUND US. And the more we question ourselves when they commit an assanine action, the more we are allowing these idiots to continue on with their antics. FIA, you did the absolute right thing by leaving Alaska when you did. Why should you try to work out a relationship that seemingly didn't have any problems, but all of a sudden he created them for you? I assure you this guy's relationship now is not gonna work any better than it did the first time, and even if they do end up staying together, it won't be a happy union for long. Like Tilly said, he's just trying to make himself feel better by convincig himself "yes, she still wants me. She may have left me before, but now she wants me." It's got ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with you, and everything to do with his insecurities and his ego issues. You are so lucky you got out without children with this man, or marriage, or any other attachments.

As for having sex with him, I completely understand that one. With my guy, when I found out he had cheated, I wanted to burn my skin because I'd allowed him to touch me, but as time went on, I allowed him to touch me again. But him having sex with you the day before you left, and all day at that, should tell you that he's not in love with this girl. I know plenty of men who are with women they are in love with, and would NEVER sleep with another woman just because of how much they love their girlfriends/wives.

As for you, girl, it's gonna be so hard for a while, and there are gonna be times when you're gonna be fine one minute, and sad the next. You're gonna cry, be mad, maybe even throw things. But it's all OK. That means you're going through the motions, and one day you'll find yourself thinking of him less and less. Just put all of your energy into your interviews and building your new life. Take time to care for yourself, physically and emotionally. And just remember, the more evergy you spend on wondering about him, what he's doing, if he's doing it with her, what's going on with them, that's energy you're taking away from yourself. And you and I and Tilly and Confused all know he's not worth it. Keep us posted.

By the way, I'm not a redhead.. I have naturally black/brown hair, but right now it's light brown.. But it's gonna be redder this winter!! :)

[FooledInAlaska]

All 3 of you (Confused, Tilly & Sweetface have made my day) :D

Confused – I started writing a letter last night. Although, it was very random and nothing in it made much sense (as I was tired) it did start to help.

You mentioned “Karma” in your first post and I’ve never really been into the whole Karma thing because I didn’t know much about it. Last night I read into what it meant and basically it all boils down to “if you do bad things then bad things will happen to you” “if you do good things, good things will tend to happen to you”. Well, I hope he gets his because what he did to me was absolutely HORRIBLE. Who knows maybe he’s paying for it now??????? The reality is that he is not and he's probably just peachy keen.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. It is exactly what I need right now.


Tilly – I guess it just amazes me that people can act in these ways (cold, mean, cruel, no compassion and no remorse) and for them to not see that it’s wrong.
When you’re sitting in my position (as you know) you just want this person to hurt as bad as you are hurting. Instead they are off not even giving you one thought. They have this new distraction (ex-wife/ex-gf/new girlfriend) and to them YOU never existed! That hurts more then ANYTHING…….. They go back to living their live day in and day out like they never spent a day with you. Is this what they convince them self of in their mind? I guess the other thing that bothers me is in his mind he’s justified him self to think that I was the bad one and the relationship just didn’t work. Those are lies! Plus the things I’ve heard that he has told people of why we broke up. I’ve heard that he’s said “we just aren’t getting along so she’s moving back to WA” or the best one was “I’m getting rid of her before I build my house.” I also go on thinking he was just mean to me because I was what was holding him back from her. Will he treat her better because she is the one woman he truly loved???? He said a few times that he turned mean after her cheating on him. He was never the same after that. His sister also told me the same thing.

I can’t wait for the day that my life starts turning around and I’m on my way with my cats driving down the road moving to a different state! That is when I will know my life is turning around because by that time I will have a job and a whole new life to start over fresh.

Sweetface – I’m sorry to hear about your girlfriend. These men really have some serious personality disorders! I hope she knows about this web-site and if she doesn’t try to get her on here. It will be the BEST thing that could happen to her right now. I hope that she is not calling him or contacting him in anyway as this is what he is probably expecting and wants. I hope that she is taking care of herself and trying to get through this hard time.

I think you all are correct. He’s just in love with the fact that she wants him. He’s in love with the past. During our break up he told me had hadn’t been happy in 5 years. Well, that is when they’re marriage ended. Let me tell you, hearing him say that hurt a ton because what was that saying about his happiness with me??? People told me when he met me they had never seen him that happy and never heard him talk about anyone else they way he spoke about me.

They started their relationship back out having an affair and to me that is not a stable foundation to start a relationship on. The other factor is starting this relationship out with the f****d up ending of their last relationship.

All of this is so crazy………I can’t ever imagine treating someone in this way.

FIA

[tillymint]

Fia,

am going away 2morrow for the wkend and have just sent you a private message.

Am up to my eyes at the moment packing so cant reply in full but wil when I get home.

In the meantime you take care of yourself..

Till x

[confused]

I'm glad we made you feel a bit better......but you do realize this will change again. You know? I have a dear friend who just lost her husband....and she is still going thru the mourning & grief of that loss. (He only passed 4 months ago). While helping her through the entire thing, I learned that divorce & breakup? Is the E-X-A-C-T same thing as the "death" of a loved one.

At least, that's what the experts say.

Because, after all....the individual is no longer a part of your everyday life right? You must learn to live "without" this person.

So.....i am going to include the things that I learned...and hopefully it will help you as well. It is helping her (although again, reading isn't going to bring back your men), and it helped me when I too went through my split (and who knows, maybe will eventually in the future). Let me know if any of this rings true for you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Phases (Stages) of grief or loss.

1st stage: Shock. Shock is the first stage of numbness, disbelief and unreality.

2nd stage: Denial. Denial is thoughts or words such as, "I don't believe it -- It can't be!"

3rd stage: Bargaining. Bargaining involves making promises such as, "I'll be so good if only I can awaken to find this hasn't happened" or "I'll do all the right things if only..."

4th stage: Guilt. Guilt is a hard stage and difficult to deal with alone. This is a normal feeling characterized by statements such as, "If only I had ... If only I had not..." done or said or thought something. Guilt may ultimately be resolved by understanding that all of us are human beings who give the best and worst of ourselves to others. What they do with what we give is their responsibility.

5th stage: Anger. Anger is another very difficult phase, but it may seem necessary in order to face reality and get beyond the loss. We all must heal in our own way and anger is a normal stage along the way. However, If you don't feel anger, don't manufacture it!

then.........

• Depression may come and go and be different each time in length and/or intensity. Give yourself time to heal.

• Resignation means you finally believe the reality of the loss.

• Acceptance and Hope come when you finally understand that you will never be the same, but you can go on to have meaning and purpose in your life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So "Fooled"......understand that you are just "beginning" the phases of your journey. But learning these steps above? Can help you. You will be "identifying" where you're at in this process....and its much more manageable that way. (ie; rather than saying "GOD...WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO MEEEEEEE!!!!!!" You may now be saying "Ahh-HA! This is the "guilt" stage I am going thru. And that's normal!")

anyhow....good luck...and we'll be in touch!

[FooledInAlaska]

This is very helpful Confused. I can't really pinpoint which phase I'm in right now as I feel a few of the phases.

The one thing I have the hardest time with is the anger stage. I haven't gotten there and I SOOOOOO WANT to be there. So many people say "THIS GUY WAS/IS A JERK! LOOK AT ALL HE DID TO YOU" and I see that, but I don't feel the anger that I'm supposed to feel. Why is thAT???? Am I still in deniel? Do I still have hope???? It HAS registered that I have lost him and that she lives there for sure. I keep thinking that now that she's there and they aren't living this "honeymoon long distance phone relationship" is he regretting it. You should have seen those cell phone bills! They talked for hours!!! Even when I confronted him with the bill he was in DENIAL. He said that there was no way that he talked to her that much. ANYWAYSSSSS.....:mad:

I Keep thinking things like "how could he let go of our relationship and what we had to go back to her! Will he ever feel remorse and bad for what he did?

I also keep thinking did I make him a better person and cousel him on some of his bad behaivors so he could improve them to make himself a better person so they could have a better life together??? :confused:

I was sooooo good to him and he treated me like a piece of **** towards the end. SHEEEE cheated on him and took all his money and he was treating her better then me. This is just soooo f****d up! :mad:

Anyways, I keep thinking all these STUPID things and I don't WANT to.

For the most part I'm doing better. Normally on a Friday night if I have nothing going on I get depressed and last night I didn't feel any depression nor do I today. This is all a positive :)

[confused]

Well...I can pinpoint a phase you're in just by your writings above.
Since you haven't gotten to anger yet....(sometimes people don't by the way...but if it makes you feel better......the MAJORITY do in fact get there) thats normal. Anger doesn't get there until the other things have worked thru.

You sound like you're a mix (which is normal too) between Shock & Denial.

Seriously.

Shock because of what you write...meaning you can't BELIEVE he would do this. And Denial I say only because you haven't gotten to anger yet. Meaning.....I think you somehow still "hold out hope" that you will get that regretful phone call from him...professing his love to you...how he made a mistake etc.

This is okay too ya know! It doesn't mean you're weak or anything. It just means you're HUMAN. If your relationship was that amazing....that you talked of marriage...children etc......you left your job and life to move to AK with him....he wanted to take care of you etc.....well? Quite frankly.....this whole thing would have my head spinning.

Very fast.

So Denial is the phase you very well could still be in.....

I also felt the same way about someone in my past. He drank quite a bit...but only on weekends. He didn't drink during the week. But when he WOULD on weekends...he'd black out! Pass out! etc. ALWAYS. He never thought about the future....didn't save money......never looked at "owning" anything.....bla bla bla.
He used to put himself down......say he wasn't worthy of a family...kids...or a wife who loved him.......only his "brother" was.

Anyhow...after a few years with him......he WAS A BETTER MAN. He had money saved......he didn't drink anymore......(well the occasional drink yes..but not drunken falling down passing out drinking).....he was in a great job/career.....and after all the years of me TELLING him so....i think he finally believed he WAS worthy of family/kids & happiness.

Anyhow....guess what?

...

..

..

..

..

..

..

I took up an offer to transfer my business....and i left the state.

Well.....

it was a hard decision to make....but ultimately i had to look after myself.

Do you know what he "thought"? He thought that i was leaving because of him! That he hadn't "commited" more to me or something.

I said "Dont flatter yourself". "I wouldn't move to another state because a boyfriend wasn't acting a way i thought they should"...

anyhow....he then felt sorta stupid...BUT...i still moved.

We continued our relationship "long distance" for a time....and guess who bailed on that idea? ME. Yup....

Fast forward 10 years. He is married now...has two children....and is VERY HAPPY. But he and i? remain friends. He always says it was me who made him better.

So....did i make him better all so he could shower another woman with his "betterness"? Hmm....i sorta guess i did.

But isn't that true of all of us? Aren't we ALL better in our "next" relationships from what we learned or brought with us from our "past" ones?

I think that's just us growing you know?

Anyhow...you DID make him a better guy. But dont' think for a second that this other woman is going to reep all the rewards. It was TOO FAST. Too quick. He hasn't had time to be alone...reflect....see what it is he truly wants etc. Also don't mistake this for a man who's going to come back crawling to you. If he did? I would never take him...for what he's done to you.

Anyways, I keep thinking all these STUPID things and I don't WANT to.

That's again because you're normal. You need to occupy your mind A LOT MORE these days...so it doesn't have much of a chance to "daydream" and go off into la la land of what could be or what should be. OR WORSE YET....thinking about the two of them.

If you like to read? REad SELF HELP BOOKS. How to fix YOU. Make a better YOU. Move on after a divorce type things.

If you like to watch t.v.? Rent tons more movies. COMEDIES. One's that will make you laugh...not think or compare.

And of course...stay on this site....and stay with real friends....keep interviewing.....etc.

Just stay busy.

ANOTHER thing that is good during this time...is to get REALLY SELFISH. Do the things today for yourself that you wouldn't have done the past couple years. We are always looking after our relationships and doing for "him"....now its time for you! Do a makeover. Get into shape. Start a fitness regimen. Get a facial. Think of some goals and things you'd like to do once on your feet again.

This helps too. BUY yourself something...and if you don't have a lot right now? buy some nail polish or lipstick. Paint your toes & nails tonight. Take a bubble bath.....and imagine yourself how you were BEFORE you met this guy. When you were young....CONFIDENT....and feeling great about yourself! That's what attracts the opposite sex in the first place.

YOU'RE A WINNER. YOU DESERVE THE BEST.

Don't let this guy and girl suck your confidence & energy from you. Or steal ANYMORE of your minds time. It's not fair to you!

[tillymint]

hi hun..

Just got back from dropping jess off at my mums, and am just checking on you.

Have u had a good wkend, and r u ok ?

till x

[FooledInAlaska]

I must still be in denial. I still have that gut feeling of wanting that phone call one day to hear him say sorry that he messed up. I mean isn't that what most of us who have been totally thrown out want. To hear some remorse, guilt or SOMETHING. This is what I'm most embarressed of. That I'm even admitting that I want this (at this stage of the loss). I know in a month, 2 or 3 from now I will probably feel different. I guess it would be a feeling of satisfaction.

I had a really good Friday and Saturday, but today (Sunday) I'm doing ok. I think I just didn't get enough sleep last night. Plus it's hotter then heck here!:eek:

I think if I wasn't starting my life over from scratch things might be different. Not having a job, money and my own place to live makes it hard. I'm getting through it though. I have a phone Interview with a large company tomorrow so keep my in your prayers, keep your fingers & toes crossed or whatever it is you do :)

Gonna go find a way to cool off now.......

[confused]

You say it's hot there? It's HOTTER THAN HELL here too!

Anyhow....

Of COURSE that's what you want to hear......and yes we ALL want to hear that. (remorse, regret, ANYTHING)....

so...don't be mad at yourself for even FEELING that way...cuz quite frankly..if you didn't i wouldn't think you human.

Anyhow...i'm glad your weekend went somewhat well....and hope today goes better!

[tillymint]

Fia,

Thats one of the good things about this site.. you can be honest with your feelings and there is no need to feel embarrased over anything you admit to..

Con said at some stage likened the breakup of a relationship to that of a bereavement.. This is so, so true..

The difference is with a bereavement, you mourn, you suffer, you accept but ulimately you've got closure..

When you lose somebody that you love and they're still alive, sometimes it's harder to accept because you're mourning but the acceptance takes a lot longer. You HAVE to accept a death.. It's harder to accept that the person you love is still alive but no longer a part of your life..

Of course it's natural to want an admission from sombody you love that they have hurt you.. I waited, waited and waited for one from my ex.. I used to think he would wake up one day and realise what he had thrown away..

I thought because I loved HIM so much that he must have the same intensity of feeling and that the split would one day hit him as hard as it had hit me..

My phone call never come, and you know what ? Im glad it never did..

Of course i can say this now and feel no pain but at the time it hurt like hell.. All i promise you is that the hurt will go and the constant questions you are asking yourself will eventually stop..

What you are going through are the stages of bereavement and Con has gone into this brilliantly..

You WILL get through this hun.. I know you will.. Don't be hard on yourself for wanting answers.. you're working through this yourself.. It might not seem like that now, but you're already at another stage than you were say 4 weeks ago..

You're doing brilliantly.. Take a step back, Take a good look at how far you've come and congratulate yourself.. I'm proud of you for the way you're handling this... I fell to pieces... you've sought help and you're pulling yourself upwards all the time... Somedays, you may take 2 steps back but that's fine cause the next day you'll take 4 steps forward... You WILL get there..

Hope the phone interview goes well.. Keep us updated and take care..

till xx

[FooledInAlaska]

Confused, you are in the the US right? The hottest place in the US right now is Palm Springs 121 degrees and the coldest place in the US right now is ALASKA!!! HA! HA!

I think it's funny.....she just moved from a place that is getting 100 degree weather right now and now she's moved to a place that the temperature is almost 1/ 2 that right now.

Anyway, I guess the final closure letter I end up sending will help me someday. So you guys don't think he will EVER come to his senses and give me that satisfaction phone call?

It's so hard loving someone so much and wondering why they don't find it within themselves to remember any of it.

As of today I feel like I will NEVER understand any of this. I'm sure glad to have this web-site though. It's been awesome :)

All of you are awesome!!!!!:)

[FooledInAlaska]

Tilly & Confused,

I've sent you both private messages. Are you getting them?

Tilly I know you received my first one and then I replied to your reply. Did you get that one? My sent box says I've only sent 2 mesages, but I've sent more then that.

Let me know~

[tillymint]

fia,

only got ure 1st message re phone call.

hope ure ok..

til x