Sharing to Heal Part II

[Galactica]

Part II

The next day way the Wednesday. As I drove to work that morning I had a desire to think of something that would help put things back together, to help fix what had been shattered. I really wanted to work on something, so I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I could do, and then while driving to work I had a radical thought. How about we get tattoos? I know, I know... don't mark yourself for life until you're sure. I've also got a little bit of paranoia about putting someone's name on my body... so instead I suggested maybe a simple wedding band on the finger... tattooed as well as the gold band I wear already.

I thought it was a radical but cool way to show that I was serious about working things out, that I wanted this to be permanent. I called Louise immediately and told her about my idea. She loved it, in fact I could hear she was tearing up on the phone as I suggested it.

I'll be honest, over the next couple of days we talked a lot, and I feel we made a lot of progress. We refined the tattoo idea to a tattoo on the arm (less painful, less visible), using a slightly Celtic design. Me being of Irish origins, it seemed suitable. Between her and I we came up with a design we both liked on paper, and we drew it and put it up on the fridge.

On the Thursday, we went to my in-laws for dinner. After dinner we asked if they could watch the kids for an hour or so, and we went out for a bit. We drove to a nearby park and sat for a bit, talking. We also walked around the park a little and I finally showed my hand. I told her I knew about the picture. At first she played dumb, then as it became clear that I wasn't just “faking it” she finally admitted that she'd sent that picture, “... but it hadn't been meant like that.” I asked her to explain why she'd done it and she told me that; “I'd been feeling self-conscious about myself, and Rick is my friend. I sent him the picture because I wanted him to see why I was so self-conscious about my body.”

This didn't make much sense to me, but I mostly let it slide. I did lecture her a little about how something like that might have been misconstrued as an invitation to fantasize. I know that when I saw pictures from Michelle, I knew without reading the text what she wanted... and the first pictures that were in the email (the first ones I saw) were just topless similar to the shot she sent Rick. I was starting to have some nagging doubts about her sincerity, and so I suggested we wait on the tattoos until we were both ready.

When we got back to my in-laws house, we walked down the street for a bit still talking. I told her I still wasn't happy about the picture, and I still felt that a betrayal had occurred. I also told her that I still wanted to work things out; besides the pictures had been sent before the “cut-off-date” of the 1st that we had defined earlier. That seemed fair. We talked a little more about the whole thing with Michelle, and I told her that if she had any questions about what had happened between her and I, all she had to do was ask. The only question she had was, “Did you kiss her?” I answered no. That was the truth.

I can't say much happened in the next few days, it was a busy week at work but I still made the effort to get home at decent times. The kids were off school for summer break by this point, I really started to feel like we were getting ahead of the game, advancing day by day and improving on what we had before. We talked every evening... once the kids were in bed I don't think the TV even got switched on. We sat in our front room, we drank tea or wine and we talked about things. The weekend was busy with my regular job, but it was all stuff I worked on through dial-in... so I was home. Her calls to Rick did subside a little, but she was still calling him a suspicious number of times during the day. Like 4 or 5 calls a day, and our average of 600-700 minutes on our cell phone plan in a single month had ballooned to over 1300. Thankfully we had a bunch of “rollover” minutes, so there were no overages.

Monday rolled around. I had a pretty quiet day at work, and that afternoon I tried to call Louise on her cell a couple of times. I just got her voicemail, and presumed she'd left her cell phone in her car. She does that occasionally, and it both irritates and amuses me. Tried her on the home phone, and still no answer. Still, I presumed she may have taken the kids out to the park or something. No big deal.

I got home about 6pm, and sat down in the front room with Louise. She was on her laptop typing something, and she made us some tea. The kids were both playing in their toy room, so they couldn't really hear us... and in fact I'm not even sure if they knew I had come home. While we were sitting there she had a pensive look on her face, so I asked her what was up. She said, “Rick called me today. He said he'd locked his keys in his car, so I went to help him out and give him something to do until his daughter could come by with the spare keys. We went up to the park and walked around for a bit until his daughter got home, then she came up with the keys.” I looked at her for a moment, and the first thought that went through my head was that it sounded a little manufactured and convenient.

Understand that Rick lives in Florida, not in Missouri. His ex wife and his kids live here in Missouri since he had lived here up until earlier this year. He usually takes advantage of his status as a commercial pilot to get home every few weeks to see his kids. It also helps to know that while my wife and I are both around 30, he's 55... so his kids are grown up already. Another thing that will help you understand is that I had never met Rick. All I had ever seen was one single photo of him, and I'd never met or talked to him.

At first I had suspicions, but if she'd done something wrong, why would she tell me about it? Besides, I'm still pretty sure that she would never do anything inappropriate with the kids around. It still sounded pretty manufactured, but I was willing to believe at that point that Rick had manufactured the situation to spend time with Louise. I honestly felt that I was starting to trust her again because I honestly didn't think any worse of her. In fact, my opinion of her went up that day because she told me something she didn't need to tell me, something I may never have known about otherwise. I felt a little down that she hadn't at least called me to get my feelings on the thing, especially since in our conversations over the last two weeks I'd told her my concerns with Rick, and she had been specific that she'd be careful with him to not give him the wrong impression of their friendship.

I left it at that, and to be honest the next couple of days were great. We were having a great time rebuilding. We had both decided to give up a lot of our self-imposed limitations and start to be more open with each other, especially sexually. We experimented more, went to an adult store together (something we've never done in our married lives), picked out some toys and experimented over the next few nights. We were actually having fun, and actually having a whale of a time building something more lasting. We'd both decided to let the past stay in the past and move on with our lives. Our magic cutoff was the 1st of the month, and anything that happened before that we agreed may be discussed, but may not be held over each others heads.

Monday rolled around again. I had been having a tough day at work... a lot of emotionally charged things going on that didn't help my mind-state. Despite the great few days we'd had, there was still something nagging at the back of my head that was killing me. I wasn't sure what it was, but I got the feeling like there was something being omitted or hidden, something that she wasn't telling me. I decided that I needed to take an early day, and go home at lunchtime.

I arrived home around 2pm or thereabouts. Louise seemed surprised to see me, but she kept saying “It's OK, this will work out great.” I kept asking her what was going on, and she just kept telling me I'd see. I started to feel that weight on my shoulders again, like there was something going on that I wasn't going to like, that I hadn't been party to. My being home hadn't been planned... in fact it was a spur of the moment thing for me because I needed some down time.

I must admit, my trust was starting to get a little shaky... and I was starting to feel quite manipulated. However, I waited... then at just before 3pm her cellphone rang. She picked up the phone and talked for a minute, then handed the phone to me and said, “Here, help him out.” It was Rick on the other end of the line. This was the first time I'd ever spoken to him, and he asked me how to get to the house. I looked at Louise as I asked him where he was... he was within blocks of the house. Like within half a mile or less. I gave him directions, trying to be civil and not fly off the handle and hung up the phone. I stared at Louise for a moment and then asked her when she was planning to tell me about this. My mind was whirling, I didn't know what to expect or how to react. I didn't know what I was going to say or how I was going to feel toward this man who I now suspected was actively trying to seduce my wife... and my wife was actually going for it.

So he arrived in a rather beat up old Cadillac... circa about 1989 I think. He was dressed in a basic t-shirt and sorts... pretty casual. He was shorter than me, well enough preserved for 55 that he could pass for 45 and seemed almost as shocked to see me as I was to see him. Even as I shook his hand I wasn't sure I really wanted to be doing this; sure I'd wanted to meet this guy who was Louise's friend, but I wanted it done if not on my terms then at least with my permission. The timing was lousy, too... Louise and I were working things out but we were long way from perfect.

[Galactica]

Part II (b)

The afternoon we spent in the front room of the house. We had tea and talked about life in general. I tried to engage Rick in conversation about aviation. I told him that I had an interest in pursuing aviation as a possible future career. This was in part a test; I've never met a pilot who could resist the urge to respond to an opening like that to wax lyrically about aviation for hours. He just kept talking about things trying to engage Louise in the conversation. She didn't seem to interested in talking to either of us, but I was trying my best to be civil.

I could tell Ernie was trying to be civil as well, but his body language told me he didn't expect or want me to be there. I started to suspect that Louise was manipulating the situation.

We talked until early evening, and a part of me has to admit that I found Ernie at least pleasant company. He wasn't obnoxious in any way, and despite my reservations I was quite sincere that I didn't want to get in the way of a friendship between he and Louise so long as friendship was what it was. We actually went out to dinner, to a local pub type place. Not great food, but a good place to get a couple of kids meals and a pizza we could split between the three adults. It was nice enough, but I did catch Ernie blowing Louise a kiss when he thought I wasn't looking. I let it go, trying my best to be understanding.

Despite everything, I was sure of one thing; whether or not things had changed since the first, there had been something beyond a friendship before that date, and I let the blown kiss then go unspoken about because I wanted to let those things go. I felt perhaps it had been a throwback to earlier feelings... I didn't see how Louise reacted to that.

During dinner there were a few furtive glances between Louise and Ernie, all from his side. Louise sat to my right and behind me, so I couldn't see what her reaction was. At the end of the night we went our own ways, but again to test Ernie somewhat I offered to pick up the dinner (including the beer he drank, though I have to admit I also had one). Now, I don't know about anyone else, but I consider it decent when someone else offers to pay for your dinner (especially if it's the first time you've ever met that person), you at least offer to pick up the tip. He didn't offer a penny. That I took as a sign that he didn't want me there and therefore didn't feel charitable.

That told me a lot about where Ernie was; he wanted Louise, wanted to be with her. I didn't know if he loved her or if he just lusted after he, but he wanted much more than just a friendship from her. He didn't seem to care too much that she was married, which led me to the conclusion that he wanted sex, plain and simple. There was no desire for a relationship, nothing lasting. As I said, a part of me didn't blame him; Louise's a very beautiful woman. However, she's my wife, and as I said earlier she made a promise to me many years ago that I take very seriously.

That night was strained to say the least. I had to look at the facts; she had invited him over during the afternoon, when she knew I would be at work. He had stated that he originally planned to leave at 6pm (he ended up leaving after dinner at 7), yet there was a distinct likelihood that I would not have been home until about that time or even later. I wondered what Louise would have been doing with Ernie for those hours when I wasn't there and he was. Would she have told me if he'd left before I got home? Would I have even known if it hadn't been for the coincidental coming home after lunch. As she walked off, curiosity finally got the better of me. I grabbed her cellphone off the table where she'd left it and checked the calls and SMS messages. There was a message, sent at 9am... it said, “Lunch at my house?”

When Louise came back into the room I confronted her with it. She of course denied anything was going to happen... she said she'd planned to find a way to get me home a little early so I could meet Ernie... and then proceeded to argue with me over the “invasion of privacy” of me looking in her cellphone. I stared at her momentarily then asked her about the invasion of my space, inviting some one I considered a stranger into my house. I know it's her home, too... but if she's going to be meeting with individuals I don't know about, quite frankly I'd rather it were out in public where I could be reasonably sure nothing was going to happen.

Her response was to get more upset about the breach of privacy, while I got more mad about what I perceived as being a gross betrayal of the trust I thought we were building.

You know, I can't even remember if we slept in the same bed that night. Funny the things you don't remember in hindsight.

Tuesday was a bear for me. I went to work but ended up repeatedly arguing with Louise on the phone. I was less than happy about the previous day, and so after getting really mad at her I just told her I had work to do, hung up and threw myself into my job for the day. It worked well; I got a lot done and didn't think about things at all until that evening.

I got home that night, and Louise told me we needed to talk. I agreed; I was mad enough to leave right at that moment. I felt that she'd introduced me to her boyfriend, and now I was expected to just roll over and accept it.

We sat down, and she started to weave a tale wherein she was “... testing you and Ernie. I wanted to get you two together so I could get straight in my own head what I really wanted.” This didn't come as much of a shock to me, I felt we were being manipulated, but I still felt this didn't explain everything. I told her how I felt, and that I still don't know what her and Ernie would have gotten up to had I not been there. She claimed that she was trying to back away slowly from Ernie, and as such wanted some time to talk to him before I got home. She still insisted on her innocence, but I argued that from my perspective she looked guilty as hell. I had nothing solid to go on other than gut feeling, but right about that time my gut was somewhere around my feet, weighed down with lead.

I told her the truth, that right now the foundation we had so meticulously built over the last few weeks was already showing signs of cracking. The truth that I felt we were building things on turned out to be a lie. I was angry, hurt and manipulated. I didn't like it, and right at that moment I didn't like her.

We talked long after the kids had gone to bed. I put it to her that if she really wanted to distance herself from Ernie, that (a) this was the only way our relationship was going to work and (b) she would have to re-state her opinion and position to Ernie now and repeatedly until he got the message. I didn't know what to think right then about her motivations, and I let her know in no uncertain terms that I fully believed that if I had not been home Monday afternoon, then her and Ernie might well have ended up locking the bedroom door and fulfilling his fantasies... and I suspected hers as well. She denied it, said she wouldn't do that, had no intention of it... but I pointed out that she can say that now safely in hindsight, but in the even she were in a REAL situation like that she might be surprised by what can happen.

I know all about that. I've been in situations like that before. That's why I was so reticent to even start down that road with Michelle... I know from experience that you pass a certain point and then no matter your intentions there's a danger your hormones will take over. I've been there, I've made that mistake... I've lived to regret it. I've never made that mistake with her, but I'd be lying if I said I'd never cheated on a girlfriend when I was young and stupid.

She continued to deny it, refused to even admit that I might be right. I didn't get into a darker possibilities that were rampaging through my head, not that night anyway.

Wednesday. Today was the day things reached a head. Ernie had sent an email the prior night with some conversation about the meeting on Monday and how he felt about it, and he had attached some pictures from the day out at the park a week or so prior. I know this because Louise replied, then Ernie replied... then she forwarded the email to me. There was one paragraph in his email that rubbed me raw. He referred to the pictures as being from the “family picnic” and referred to it as “the most romantic 3 hours of (his) life”. Then, in the same paragraph had stated that “I'm not sure a flying trip down to either Dexter, MO [home of the famous Log House restaurant] or Sikeston, MO [home of the famous Lambert's Cafe] could unseat it. Well, perhaps if a mile high club award came out of it.”

It was plain from Louise's response that she had been rubbed up the wrong way by both of these comments as much as I was. She had stated in the email that they were just friends, that's all she wanted from him and that they could never be more. I was proud of her, somewhat, but a little reserved. His response? A snippy little message about how he felt deceived and that he was obviously having difficulty understanding women. He closed it by saying “Farewell”, which is what I think had REALLY sent Louise over the edge and she decided to forward that email to me. Maybe she was also trying to show she was serious too.

[Galactica]

Par II (c)

This sounds like a happy ending, but it wasn't. To be honest, Ernie's email (the original one, not the farewell) actually got my hackles up. I felt that he had been a jerk quite frankly and resented the two comments I mentioned above. I sent him an email defending Louise's position, stating how I felt that if he was deceived then it was by himself. At that moment, I was feeling incredibly positive about Louise and I... I was feeling like we really had a chance now. I also felt that Louise had been honest with me, that if she had led him on it was accidental... and that he'd taken her talking with him a lot more seriously than she had.

Like all things, the reality wasn't quite so simple. Louise was upset that night, so I comforted her and we just kept each other company. It was the first truly good night I remembered having in a while... the pressure was gone. It felt like we were all better, and everything was now resolving itself. The way it was working out wasn't the way I wanted it; I wanted them to remain friends... I really did, even then... but a part of me was secretly glad he was gone.

Of course, he wasn't going to go down without a fight.

I got up the following morning, showered and went into my study to read my email. There was an email from Ernie; a response to my email. I opened it and began reading. There was a lot to read. He started by getting the standard greetings out of the way, then said, “With regards to Louise...take a gander”. First of all, I speak with a mixed accent that sounds to most like English ****ney. While I don't mind my closest friends (not that close, see my earlier note) poking occasional fun at my accent, I didn't consider Ernie a friend, close or otherwise at that point.

He proceeded then to attach emails that Louise had sent him. Well, first of all I thought this was a huge breach of etiquette; these emails had been sent to him directly and privately... they weren't for transmission no matter the contents. But since I had been through so much, curiosity got the better of me. It was that same voice that had been urging me to check her email, to go into her account and check up on her.

First email wasn't too bad. It was a pretty decent little conversation about how Louise felt about trials and tribulations in her life. It was very eloquent, and nothing truly negative was said until the end of the email. At the end she started talking about us having sex; that to her it had seemed mechanical and remote. This had been 9 days before she had sent the pictures to him.

The second email had a lot more impact to me. Sure, I didn't much like the description of sex between us, but I had to concede that I had somewhat felt that way myself in recent months... at least until we started to work things out. Who knows who started it, and who really cares? Anyway, the second email was to me the worse one of the first two. She stated absolutely in that email that she felt that her and I were falling apart... that our marriage was cracking and falling apart and without something changing we would soon be going our own ways. I wouldn't have minded except that this was a week before the picture incident... a week during which she had literally smiled to my face while stabbing me in the back. This was also the same week her calls to Ernie escalated rapidly.

There were other things she complained about; falsely I might point out. She complained about the money we'd spent on my flight training a couple of years ago, when in fact at the time she had pretty much demanded I use the money for that. She claimed that I had borrowed the money from a friend, but that money had been a tax refund. She complained about a motorcycle I had bought for $1500 from a friend of mine last year because I figured it could save us money in gasoline as the price went up (I was right, by the way, it made a visible difference in our fuel expenses during the months I rode). This was also done with her blessing, and she had thought it was a good idea at the time.

I was starting to get a little angry, I'll admit that... but nothing in there I couldn't deal with.

The third email was short and to the point. It was a slam against me; one bit that drew my ire was “My staying with him is sympathy for all the hell he has been through”. I got angry because I didn't need sympathy... sure my life has been tough and I've never had it easy, but I've grown from adversity and become what I think to be a better person. I have built a life for myself in a foreign country with no help from my family or friends. That in itself I am proud of.

The fourth was from “a newly created Yahoo account” which started by saying “can be free to literally anything at this email address so here goes” It then went into more detail about what a bad husband I was. I'll grant this; by then I knew there were problems as well and was trying to figure out how to best deal with it.

The fifth... more stuff about what a bad husband I had been, how ignorant I had been and basically saying I was the cause for all of our problems. I'll admit to some fault, but to be honest the thought there was a problem came somewhat out of left field for me. It was perhaps because she was being too sugary sweet, and a part of me distrusts that thinking that no human being is that sugary and perfect.

The sixth and final attached email was a huge blow to my senses. I won't paraphrase... I'll just include a few choice quotes that told me a lot. It was sent on the first... I presume before we had lunch that day;

“My silence was cautious. My thought have been racing more than I'd like to admit too.”
“Up until this morning I was being some what guarded on how far my words to you went. Now that is not the case. Let's indulge in that fantasy some time. My vow is forever bound to him. Yet my exotic pleasures will now be yours. Release the woman in me. Yes I liked the picture. Instantly seeing it made me want to have tender strokes with my hands. Followed by silky kisses. From the very tip, all the way around and to the bottom. My lips can blow your mind on how tender yet firm they can be all at the same time.”
“Call me later and maybe we can have bit of phone sex."

“This Morning” was obviously a reference to the day she had asked me to play hooky... the same day we'd had lunch. Obviously, I was pretty steamed... but also pretty relieved. Obviously the dates there matched up with my suspicions of problems, and obviously from the last email I had reacted if not at the exact right moment, then at least not too late. I meant to talk to Louise at this point about the contents of the email, to say that I forgave even the graphic descriptions because I was serious about making a go of things. I really wanted to leave it in the past as we had agreed... nothing before the first. Even before lunch on the first I could understand. But Ernie hadn't finished with his volley, and there was more to come.

More direct quotes follow, I'll let you draw your own conclusions for a moment;

“And then on June 12th she had already asked me to let her know when I was to be in town. I complied and she took me and the children to a park”
“the unsuspecting clincher act was just around the corner. Off one of the heavilly laidened brush areas, Louise dashed over to pluck a wild strawberry plant in hopes of a home bound transplant. She enlisted the children to run off in search of flat stones to properly extract the plant upright. As William and Sarah dashed off in one direction Louise sprang up and grasped my hand and led me a number of steps around a bushy area. She then spun around and energetically pulled ME (Me mind you!) towards her lips for the first of 3 lenthy kisses. “
In reference to the Monday we had all had dinner; “Later, when we went to our respective cars to embark down to <snipped>, she strolled over to me at my car and softly an inconspicuously says the exact words "...I didn't know he was comming home, I'm sorry"”

He also made mention of the semi-nude picture, and mentioned suggestive “pictures” she'd sent before. I think it's fair to say I was angry at both of them. I forwarded the email to Louise's account, went downstairs, grabbed my coffee mug and left, saying only “Check your email” to her as I left.

[Galactica]

Part II (d)

I think it's probably fair to say that we both melted down our phones that day. I was extremely mad, to the point where I even told her I would leave. I asked her to deny anything Ernie had said... she didn't except that it had been “... one kiss, not three”. I laughed, told her I didn't care, and that it could have been one kiss or one thousand, that was cheating in my book. I told her that in my mind and my heart, she had cheated on me and nothing was ever going to change that now.

Of course, nothing got accomplished at work, and I went home that night not really wanting to go home. Instead I wanted to run away, to leave and never come back. I considered the idea of calling about an apartment... or as extreme as I was feeling a plane ticket back to the UK. I wanted to stand on the top of the tallest building in the midwest and scream “My wife is a cheating *****” at the top of my lungs in the hope no other man would make the same mistakes I apparently did. I started to blame myself, find reasons to believe that I had somehow driven her to this.

At home that night I didn't really want to talk. I had fired back another email to Ernie about the one he had sent, and I bought him to task for betraying Louise's confidence... as well as all the other things he had done. I went home and didn't want to talk, didn't want to listen. I let Louise explain things to me, and she told me that it had been TWO kisses now... not one or three. I asked her “So which is it, then?”

The events of that day are sharp in my memory, but the days following are hazy. Through tears and heartache we've made it this far and neither of us has left. At this point it's a week later and I still feel numb in many ways. I want to work things out on the one hand, but I have to ask myself if I can ever truly trust her again. I've reiterated to her repeatedly that I need 100% honesty, and I told her that the foundation we so carefully built over the first two weeks was now destroyed. Everything I'd tried to build on had been a lie, everything I had built with had been deceit and betrayal.

She began to hold Michelle over my head, referring to it as my “near affair”. I had voluntarily told her of that... if I hadn't told her she would never have known. Like I said before, I'm an honest man and honestly do not want to live a lie. I wrote her a lengthy email letting her know that I wasn't mad about the sexually charged emails, I wasn't even mad about the personal things she was telling Ernie... I was mad about the lies and deceit since the 1st, the manipulation.

As I sit here right now, we're making plans for things to do with the kids on the 4th of July. The tattoos... well they still come up occasionally, and it's something I still want to do when I'm really sure. Between Louise and I there's a gulf. While we're still talking, there's a certain amount of lost trust that I can't even begin the explain. She wants to work with me, and I can say honestly she's not talked to Ernie on the cellphone since the whole thing exploded. He also hasn't called her, and she's said she has no intention of talking to him after all that had happened and his attitude.

The other night, Sunday, we talked again about the whole thing last Monday. I opened up to her with a piece of my heart I had never told anyone. I told her why I was so adamant about Ernie not coming around to the house when I wasn't there. I told her a story of two friends of mine who had lived in London when I did. I told her about the day the boyfriend came home to his flat to find his girlfriend lying naked in a pool of her own blood just inside the door. I told her about the fact that analysis later showed she had been raped before she was killed, and that semen taken from the body never got as far as a DNA match; the boyfriends' brother had broken down and admitted fault when told there was physical evidence. His defense? She had “... led me on. She kept telling me how much she wanted me, then she invited me round to their place while <name deleted> was at work.” He told the story that she had invited him round to break it off, to tell him that she wanted to just be friends. Things had gotten out of control, and he had raped and then killed her “... in a rage”.

I asked her if she'd really thought about the consequences. Whether or not she could have truly controlled the situation given that she was essentially meeting a man she'd only actually met face-to-face twice that I was aware of before that in a private and secluded place. I asked her if she'd really known Ernie well enough to say that he wouldn't just take what he wanted if she didn't “give it up”. She had to admit that she didn't. I maybe harped on it a bit too long, but honestly one of my deepest and darkest fears is coming home from work one day and finding her and the kids dead. Or possibly worse; her dead and the kids in the house with her body. Because of what I'd been through, because of what I'd seen in my life I had always been terrified on that.

It's been four days since that; four extremely busy days. It's Thursday again, and I'm still not 100% convinced of how to feel. I believe her when she says she's had no contact from Ernie. Quite frankly, the way it got left off with the snippy emails between her, I'd be surprised if they spoke again for quite a long while. She still maintains her innocence, saying she was “... just trying to make him feel good about himself after all the stuff he'd been through...” but I think it's plain to see there was much more to it than that.

I know there was feeling there, there was the beginnings of love or lust. I don't really know which, and I'm not convinced I really want to know. I still don't know whether to stay or go, and while we've had good times since then I can't say that there isn't still that nagging doubt. After going through the Chris debacle many years ago, then this just recently a part of me has to wonder how long it will be before she does it again. How long before she gets tired of the man that I am.

Some good has come of it. I am trying to be more responsive to what she needs as a woman, and as a wife. She's talking to me now about her fears, wants and needs and it's helping me to provide for them in a way I couldn't before. I understand her better, and I think it goes both ways. But I can't help but wonder, can't help but be afraid. My heart and mind and soul were so devastated by all that occurred that at the moment I feel like I'm sifting through the wreckage trying to find something good I can use to build anew. At the moment I'm trying to build on a new foundation, to construct yet another new life for myself and her, but I have to wonder in the back of my mind if what she's giving me today is the complete honest truth, or “just enough of a truth”. Is what she's giving me strong enough to build on? Can it really make a foundation stronger than it was before, or will it just be a few more years before the cracks start to show and the house will fall?

I put on a brave face at work and at home. I'm too exhausted by work these last few days to really think about it much, except to type this into my journal when I have some downtime. It's taken me most of this week to write, and over that time things have changed a little. I am trying to open back up to her again, but I do it with trepidation... wondering if the pain will come back and if it's worth it.

Four years ago, I told her that next time it would drive me away. This is next time, I'm still here. Does that make me brave? Stupid? A coward? Gullible? Noble? I can't answer that question. Only time will tell for sure.

I'm not perfect, neither is she. We're both human, and we're both flawed. Marriage is all about seeing beyond those flaws you can't fix while fixing the ones you can. If you focus on the flaws inherent in the other party, it will drive you apart. Louise found nothing but flaw in me for a while, and this time it came a lot closer to destroying us than anything else that had ever occurred in our lives. What happens next time?

I hope and pray there isn't a next time, but that's a tricky thing to say when really as much as you'd like to say so you haven't actually reached the end of this time yet. I can't in all good conscience say that we'll never be back here if we do work things out any more than I can honestly say that we're definitely going to work it out this time. Perhaps we'll go our own ways in the end, then all this work is for nothing. Only time will tell, and heal those wounds which right now run so deep.

- End -

[Galactica]

Take what you want from all that I've said, I've finally written it all down for posterity. You can take it as a cautionary tale, as a warning... or as a sign that there are people in the world willing to work things out no matter the adversity. All I look for is the input of others, the feedback to help me work out these horrible feelings and help me move on in my life.

You see, I can't move on yet. I'm sitll hurting, I'm still feeling the depths to which she wounded me and made me feel cheap, lonely, isolated and even suicidal. I have come through all that, but the hurt remains. I know the scars will never truly heal, they're too deep; but I hope I can find direction.

Now you've read the entire story, please weigh in. Tell me what you think... what should I do? Did I make mistakes? Can I recover from this or is it better to just move on with my life?

Note that I'm "thirty something", and have two kids I adore. However, I know from first hand experience that "staying together for the good of the kids" is never a suitable option, no matter how well-intentioned. I'm not staying for their sake right now, I'm staying for hers while I sort this out in my head. Question is, does she deserve it? Hopefully you can help me answer that.

[exhausted]

Galactica your story moved me!! It sounds just like my story.. Except the simple fact of my wife cheated on me with her boss.. Cell phone issues and late nights w/him and all she can say is We have kissed a couple of times..

I have a hard time getting over it as well.. And we are working on our realtionship as well.. But, its tough at times.. If she is cold heatly going to be yours than yes she deserves it.. But,its a working part on both of you..

My point is what would of happened if you didn't come home??? My point is just like you have stated it might of (if it has not) to the next level.. Who says that she might not do the exact samething a month or whenever down the road? But, if your going to work this out than it must be on both of you.

If there is any regret on your end or hers than there must be something done.. Mybe seperation or a marriage counselor..

But, only time will tell.. You can't be like and always doing searches and trying to find out something, because it is not good for you or your health..

Take care and keep in touch..

[SuckerFree]

Ummm, sorry bout how did we go from rick to ernie? I missed that. Cleary your wife has cheated on you. I hope im wrong, I think you are believing what you want to believe. She has minimized everything. You seem like such a decent guy, but it's obvious to me your wife has little respect for you. I would bet a whole paycheck she has slept with this man. I don't understand why men or women for that matter, don't just go and get the truth. It's so easy, hire someone for few hundred bucks to spy, get a listening device for phones. Hidden camera, anything. I know it's invasive, but look at the questions it can answer. Also, you did the right thing with Michelle, you were the hero, you were given temptation, and you resisted. Telling your wife was a bad idea. It gave her the green light to be bad. I have learned this about life. A woman will sleep with a man she hates, she will sleep with a man she fears, she will sleep with a man she has absouletly no attraction to whatsoever. But, she will not sleep with a man she doesn't respect. Respect is the number 1 issue here. You need to get off the 12 step approach and become a badass. Bringing a stranger into your home, degrading you to him in emails....completely unnaceptable.

[Galactica]

Ummm, sorry bout how did we go from rick to ernie?

Yeah, I meant to make mention of that... that's what happens when you change named and places to "protect the innocent", sometimes you screw up. Rick == Ernie == <real name omitted>. That was just a goof in my rush to get this posted :)

[Tomcat]

You have a wife who has cheated on you and is not happy with you .

First things first, get tested for HIV etc. Hopefully she has not passed on something horrible to you.

Next, it is your decision. If you are OK living with a cheating wife that's your choice. I think the part that hurts is living with a liar, someone you can't trust. You'd need to decide if you want such a life.