Need Advice

[hurtandconfused]

My husband and I have been together for 4 years in the beginning of our relationship he was seeing someone right before we started dating that he worked with....said they were better off friends. Yesterday I checked his voicemail and there were 3 messages from this girl - one about meeting for lunch....said she said "Hi this is Michelle from //Construction and meet me at 2:30" - I asked my husband and he said it was gal named Michelle and account that he called on. Well I took the phone number and googled it and it came up with the name of this gal he dated before - he had put ///Construction as a "code name" so that when I looked at his phone I wouldn't know - and what hurts more is she was in on this secret!! He said he did it because he knows how jealous I am and that it would be a HUGE fight if I saw that Michelle called or they went to lunch - they are JUST friends!! He is right that I am insecure and jealous - both my dad and my father in law left my mom and mother in law after 30 and 40 years of marriage, and I have had past boyfriends cheat on me - so yes I am insecure and would not have approved if he asked to go to lunch with her. But WHY should he be friends with someone he use to date??? Why have this secret and code name. Not sure how I can trust him - this girl I know had a HUGE crush on my husband for years and he now works in the same town she lives and works in. HELP - ADVICE?

[domelovely]

You can look at this many ways.

First off, he married you & not her - he said something to the effect that they were better off friends. Well, it seems they are.

It is also evident that you have had insecurities about other women - he said you were 'jealous'. Were these other situations because he went behind your back to see other women, or did he flirt with women in front of you - what I mean is, did he ever give you grounds for questioning his behavior or are you always operating from your family history?

Let's pretend that they are 'friends'. Knowing how insecure you are, he went underground about their 'friendship' which may be just that. Or, he may just get off hanging with this other woman who has feelings about him that he does not recriprocate. It's a thrill for him because she placates his ego & he doesn't have to exert any energy - she accepts him for who he is & she doesn't get to see him in a bad light (which you do - you know what I'm talking about - when he has gas, when he snores, when he scratches his balls, etc). All men want to feel like they are attractive to other women whether they want relationships (sexual or otherwise) or not.

OR

He is a cheater. And you're the doormat.

At any rate, he should not have a secret life. That you have to establish. You are both partners. I suggest that before you confront him any more, you
concentrate on yourself & not put the focus on him. Why did you select to marry someone you don't trust? Is this the family history? Perhaps you should scrutinize yourself & ask yourself these kinds of questions. And, sometimes our fears become self-fulfilling prophesies.

Hope you find something productive from these comments.

[Roberto_D]

well I'm not a woman and I ain't married but I wouldn't be happy if I found voice mails of a woman who liked me husband (if i was a woman).

especially if he had taken the time to attempt to cover up these messages with a code.

instead of coming clean and saying "babe, this girl who really likes me keeps voice mailing me. i want you and me to deal with this like a couple and say that i ain't interested."

make your husband tell this woman that he loves you and not her!

i wouldn't be happy and the mental pressure it would put on me in a marriage would be enough to smash a glass on his head.

[Vet]

I have caught a cheating spouse. First of all, never ask your spouse about the situation. If they are cheating, they will simply lie. The only way to find out for sure is to hire a private investigator. Then, and only then, you find out the truth as to whether or not he is cheating. If he is, then you will no longer have to worry, speculate or wonder what is going on. If he isn't, then at least you will know and you will not have to worry anymore. Try to determine when you think his best opportunity to meet with this woman will be, and have him followed during that time. The PI will help you focus your surveillance opportunities. Yes, it does cost money; but think about what a relief it will be to know the truth. The truth will set you free. It did for me. Do this now!

[tdhg]

I jusst bought a hidden gps stick and it works great. Only about 199. I also bought the cell phione recording card and it doesnt' work. I think it is a scam.

[doedoe]

I've been looking at gps stuff - but don't know what a stick is. Everything I've seen costs big bucks. Do you have more info on this for me?
thanks.

[lybra975]

Well I am there with you. There of course are girls at my bf's work that call him all the time. He has a great personality so he can attract the attention of any one. One girl started as a temp at his job in Feb and within a month they were talking. She would text him every other night. I finally confronted him about it and of course the line he gave me was "oh she is a crazy ***** and stole my phone # from the call list". Well thank god for myspace! I found the girls ex-bf and started talking to him. Apparently right around the time my bf and her started chatting was when she broke up with her bf. But he did shed some light on the whole texting thing, she sends the same one to everyone in her contact list. I guess she did figure i didnt like the texting so now she just sends it to his work email(like i cant read that one either!) He tries to reassure me that he would never cheat on me again. But when you have completly ruined someones trust it is real hard to earn it back. He hates that I go through his phone but I told him that he needs to get used to it because he is the one who makes me do it.