Once over the line, can you go back?

[Debbie]

My husband was introduced to someone at work that could coach him with his teaching. They met once at school and then begin an email conversation on a website that can be translated to "playing with fantasies" (it is a french site) They later met for coffee and discussed art and history etc.. Her husband is very jealous and sent a nasty email that my husband told me about, when I asked to see it, he tried to make excuses and he lied to me where the email was sent. I did not know all the various email addresses that he had. I found out that when we were away on vacation in the Caribbean he was instant messaging her while I was sleeping. The desk was next to the bed. In the message he said that life was now beautiful because he had someone to talk to who understood him, that he missed your enormously and that the physical distance did not affect their relationship. I found out all this while he was away on a business trip. I blew up and started searching emails and files. I found other notes that he had written that were saved on the computer. When I confronted him, he told me that he was just trying to make her feel better because her husband doesn't listen to her and she has major problems (she was anorexic) and he was worried about her. I told him that what was going on was not appropriate and that I wanted it to stop. He wants to keep a professional relationship with her and keep meeting her for coffee and emailing and text messaging. We decided to go away for the weekend to try and patch things up. He got me a beautiful ring and asked me to marry him again. I later found out that he talked to her about it first. When I tell him that I don't want this person in our lives anymore, he accuses me of not wanting him to have friends and expecting him to live a cloistered life. I am at the end of my rope. I have no idea how to deal with this. Am I overreacting?

[stitch'sescape]

No take from someone who has been there trust your instincts. If it doesn't sound or feel right to you it's not right. I always had thoughts in my head I ignored because I always said "they would never do that to me." Guess what they did.

A woman's instincts is her very best defensive weapon.

I would talk to him and try to get him to understand that it makes you uncomfortable. If he loves you he will listen. That maybe your gate way to talk about things that may be wrong in your marriage on both sides.

[tammy]

i dont think your overreacting at all because he has to understand that your supposed to be his best friend aside from everyone, and if he cant talk to you about everything, he shouldnt be talkin to her about anything

[Debbie]

Thank you for your support. It is very nice to have people understand how you feel. My husband doesn't. We had a heated discussion yesterday and he point blank refuses to stop "being her friend". He says he will stop talking about personal details with her but he wants to keep her friendship. I look at this man that I have known for 20 years and I can't believe the choices that he is making. He has known this person for 3 months and he is willing to choose her over our relationship. He tries to make me out to be the unreasonable one since I can't understand that 2 people could be friends. Her husband who at first was jealous now is accepting of their friendship. He also told me that I didn't mind hurting people but that he was the more sensitive member of our couple. Yesterday he had an anxiety attack at work and today he is throwing up. I don't know what my next step should be. I am starting to get depressed and all he cares about is maintaining this friendship. Thanks again for your understanding.

[lovenhall]

It needs to stop! I was the understanding one I thought my husband would never cheat on me he always told me men that cheat are skummmm and very weak and now he skummmm!! He had a friendship with our bookkeeper, they joked and played had fun. Then on March 26 he sleap with her!!!!! He left our home at 4am to help his friend move his wifes things out of their vacation home 2hrs away, that's way they left so early. Well come to find out he mad that up to be with her all day he was with her from 4am and didn't get home untill 7:30pm. He even called to say they were half way home and were stopping for dinner. He did this on a Sunday our family day that he always made our kids stay home on. Our 19yr son had just come home for his week break from school. The next day he called me and said we need to talk, he wanted to move out. He said he didn't love me and he wasn't happy!!! and hadn't been for the last ten years WOW that was all news to me. It looked like we had the perfect marrige. We didn't fight we had sex at very least three times a week and we loved doing things together, he was the one that always wanted to be with me, I couldn't do things with my friends I had to choose if I wanted to have our family or my friends. Now that I have very few friend and have quite my job to be with him, he cheats on me after 23yrs of marrige!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't let it happen to you ,women are very convincing( I can't spell sorry) she has a family too and she told my husband that she wanted him!!! WOW what an ego boost!!! then it was on he did the rest. He hadn't ever been with anyone but me I was his one true love, so he said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sarah]

Here's what struck me the most about your situation-you're very hurt but your husband is more concerned about her issues and her happiness than he is yours.
Ask him why your feelings don't come first with him?

[Debbie]

I really appreciate your reply. Both my husband and I are working hard on our relationship. As you mentioned in another thread, we no longer take things for granted and are trying to be more involved in each other's lives. He is still talking to her but it is professional and he is very careful about what he says and does. I think we both realized how important our marriage is to us. I also believed my marriage was solid but I now realize that it had never really been tested. I now believe that it is a strong relationship. Although I did not enjoy going through this, I believe that we have learned from what happened.

I would like to thank everyone who responded to my thread. I hope that whatever decisions that you make regarding your own situations will make you a happier person. Life is not a dress rehearsal. It is too short to be unhappy.
Take care of yourselves. :)

[sarah]

If both partners are willing, something like this can be a learning experience that solidifies the marriage.
May I make a suggestion?
Don't fall into the trap of criticizing her to him or constantly referring to her.
She obviously appeals to him because she boosts his ego with her neediness and that attraction won't hold up for very long.
It's flattering for a while and then the constant problems become very old.
Remember that he fell in love with you and try to recreate the woman that he was first attracted to.
Make your time together fun.
Let him know how important he is to you as both a friend and a lover.

[Debbie]

I am so happy that you took the time to answer my thread. I am doing exactly that. I am criticizing and telling him that I don't like her practically everyday. At the same time I am trying to show more interest in some of the things that he likes to do. He still talks to her professionally and keeps emailing her. He tells me about what they discuss etc. I know see that I shouldn't be bashing her every chance I get. Should I tell him that I don't want to hear about what they talk about or should I listen and not making negative remarks?

Again thank you very much for your understanding.

[sarah]

If it were me, I'd just let him have his say and then quickly change the subject to something more interesting even if I had to bite my tongue.
You don't want to give her any power in your relationship.
Bashing her makes you look like a b!tch and also puts him on the defensive while blandly muttering "That's nice dear-now what did you have for lunch today..." defuses the situation.

Just my opinion of course.

[Debbie]

I have been trying to bite my tongue daily. He met with her on Friday (we both had the day off) because he had some professional questions to ask her. They met each other on Monday accidentally at the Jazz festival. They then went out for coffee again on Tuesday. I am tired of being the one that always has to deal with the negative things (going out in the rain to pick him up, taking care of him when he is sick etc..) and then hearing about their wonderful conversations. I wish she would disappear.

[sarah]

something smells sort of fish to me.
He met with her on Friday when you both had the day off?
Why was he doing 'business' on his day off when you could have been together?
He accidently ran into her at the Jazz festival?
Sounds a little too convenient to me.
And then again on Tuesday?
It appears he's trying to have his cake and eat it too.
He has you to do all dirty work and her for the fun.

[Debbie]

I think that I have again had enough. I am so sick of him telling me that he doesn't understand why he should have to give up his friend. I feel like I am talking another language. He is being extremely stubborn about it and I have never seen him this way. I don't know how to proceed. I have tried an ultimatum, I have tried reasoning with him, I have tried packing my bag (he completely broke down) but he doesn't budge. I don't know if I should email her instead or do I try the packing the bag again? I would like to thank you again for your support, you have a really great attitude.

[sarah]

You know Debbie, I'm of the belief that if either partner in a marriage is doing something that really hurts the other partner, they should be willing to give it up.
I'm not talking about a controlling sort of relationship where your asked to give up your family/friends but one where something obviously hurts you and makes you very unhappy.
Seriously, why is she more important than you?
Why do her needs come before yours?
If I were in your situation, I would write down everything that makes you uncomfortable about his interaction with her and hand it to him.
Then I'd give him an ultimatum-again.
And stick to it.
This is obviously making you miserable.

[Debbie]

I wrote about how I was feeling and gave it to him, I also found an article about how most affairs began as friendships etc... He told me that his friendship with her was as important as our marriage and that he wanted both. I wanted to leave the house at that point but I stayed because I was in no condition to drive and I completely broke down. This morning he acts as if nothing has happened and asks if I want to go for supper, when I said no, he starts asking what wanted to eat for supper, I told him that I really didn't care about anything. Is this guy for real? I am in the middle of a depression and he asks whether I want rice or potatoes. We are going to see a counselor. I don't even know why I should bother. I don't think that I can ever forget what he said unless I get a lobotomy. Thank you again for your understanding. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

[sarah]

You bother for two reasons: 1) you love the man and 2) when you married, you made a committment.
However I find the following quite offensive, " He told me that his friendship with her was as important as our marriage and that he wanted both."
What the hell?
A so called business relationship is as important as his marriage.
That's just wrong.
The man needs his priorities adjusted.
I'm glad that you're going to a counselor.

[sheriffs3536]

Want to catch those cheating bastards? visit www.InvestigationsNow.com. For $24.95 you get a lifetime membership. You can look up phone bills, criminal records, DMV records, credit records, etc. It worked for me. I suggest this website to everyone who wants to get even! Good luck and have fun!:D

[jewlz2k]

I have had this very same experience and this is where ALL the deciet and cheating began. It seemed as if the more I questioned him about his new friendship, the more he insisted on keeping it. Then he'd tell me I was being overly jealous and no doubt go complain about my 'jealousy' to his new friend who would tell him all the things he needed to hear to make him feel he had the right to carry on such a invaluable friendship. Long story short, the first time he had sex with her (from there the numbers in different women multiplied) was the night of his birthday!!! and his excuse was "you pushed me away. you kept implying i was dishonest and cheating so you pushed me to do it!" I could NOT believe what i was hearing. my whole world shattered. The special bond two people have together has been lost and can NEVER be replaced.
Sorry to ramble on about my woes (this is my first post) but the best thing to tell him is any friend of yours should be a friend of mine as well. He should give you the chance to meet her and the three of you go out, have dinner, etc... if he's uncomfortable with that then seriously concider calling his bluff and leave (temporarily). There should never be any friendships in a relationship that's exclusive to one person. He's enjoying the attention and it's turning you into a mess, naturally. Suddenly he may resent having to come home, etc.... This is all veryy sad and I feel for you. Please keep me updated.

[toamsingm]

If her husband sent a very nasty email to him, maybe a threat your boyfriend/fiance/husband needs to know that a jealous husband is VERY DANGEROUS. Also the fact that this girl is anorexic (I had an eating disorder growing up) is NOT your problem or your man's. That is an issue her husband and her have to work out. Secondly until he can get rid of her tell him to stick his ring where the sun dont shine. This has bad written all over it.