My situation

[wardag]

Hello All,

I needed to get my story out there. I sit here tonight in front of my computer alone. My wife is away doing god knows what. I am here with my step-daughter, daughter, and son. A few weeks back I got the news that she had cheated on me a few times a year ago, with her friend and worse yet his wife.

The story begins prior to the start of our marriage. I was tired of the college dating scene and I was ready for a serious relationship. I found my wife on Yahoo Personals, she stated that she was a young mother looking for a serious relationship. We hit it off but I should have seen the signs... I am one of those whom believes that they can change someone and help them break the mold and become something great. First off her biological father abandoned her and her step father was abusive. Her own mother became prone to fits of being bi-polar.

My wife was having it hard at the time I met her, she was working for next to nothing and raising my step-daughter with her mother. The father at that point wanted nothing to do with the child but this changed shortly. He made life quite difficult on us. I rushed the marriage at the advice of our lawyer to help her with the custody case. Shortly have the case was won, we both graduated and started our jobs. I am a network administrator and quite knowledgeable with computers. One day when cleaning her computer I found cookies from "adultfriendfinder.com", so I went to the site and hit the reset password button, logged into her email and went to her profile. At this point she was "looking for a woman when her husband wasn't at home", plus she had a few bad comments about me in the profile about how I worked too much, etc. When confronting her, she cried and lied to me about how that the woman was going to be for me cause she didn't think I wanted her anymore after having our daughter. We worked through it.

Then a year later she got stuck on a game and starting sending naked pictures and making phone calls to some guy out of Flordia. We worked through that.

A year later is when the unexpected happened. She had lost her job and ended up getting a job about an hour from home. Well next thing I know she has a new group of friends. They created something called the "book club". This turned out to be something highly inappropriate as they were all talking about different sexual topics. I grew very defensive. Then my step-daughter's father butts back in, calling the department of Social Services with a boat load of lies, and DSS begins the process of ripping our lives apart. I admit that I became closed up at this point, I was sad and depressed because things with her felt wrong and we had DSS breathing down our throats. I stood beside her and insisted that the DSS put me through the same investigation as my wife even though my step-daughter legally does not belong to me. But my wife to started to close up, she would stay the night with one of her friends. I ended up finding twitter posts that said in French that her heart had went to another but she was choosing to stay with her husband, etc. My heart told me that she had cheated. I ignored it and put it behind me even though she was lying to me. She became pregnate with my son and I convinced myself that nothing happened. She had a falling out with her group of friends but after my son was born they were back. This time one of her guy friends was having trouble with his marriage. At which point my wife dropped clues that she may have played a role in it. Then one morning as I ate my breakfast and we were talking about her friend, she admitted to a threesome. In a way I wasn't surprised but angry! I stood by this woman through thick and thin!

Now I am left kind of in shambles because I want to stay for my kids and to see if she truly regrets her actions. But I can't control my rage at time, leading me to yell and scream in her face. I can't get her to leave those friends alone and after a fight last night she is out an about with her friends.

I've got no comfort here because I don't have a clue what is going on...

I just felt like getting this out there.

[bchgrl2008]

First of all, don't start to blame yourself for your wife's actions. That is usually the starting point for all of us when we first find out. We blame ourselves and begin making excuses for our cheaters. Do not even begin to defend her, as she obviously didn't defend your marriage in her own head when she cheated on you.

You need to find out exactly what she has done. You have only gotten about 1% of it at this point, so I am hoping that you are able to get to the bottom of her cheating sooner than we all have. Cheaters give only enough information to get us off their backs, and you will go through months of stories before finding the truth. Sit down with her and tell her to come clean. If she can't, see how she likes it living somewhere else until she can be truthful. There is so much more to this story...

[Flynn]

Man there were alot of red flags early if you could have caught them but that is in the past. First It doesn't sound like your wife is the faithful type, so if you stay you will have to police her 24/7. She will say she is sorry but do it again when the opportunity presents itself. This job one hour away sounds bad for alot of reasons but mostly you can't check on her.

If you stay, she needs to get another job closer to home. Stay off the computer, get counseling not just marriage but for her problems. I would also get a DNA test done!

It doesn't sound like she will make it for another 5 years let alone 40 without major changes and counseling.

[Arnold]

I think you should research personality disorders. Your wife is a big time liar, and that fits the profile. She had an abusive childhood, and that often is the case with the disordered. She has sexual preference confusion,. That fits.
Her ex-husband may not be as bad as you think. If he lived with a disordered spouse for any lenght of time, he knows what she is capable of and may be looking to protect his kid.
You might try talking to him about his expierience. You may have been fed a bunch of lies about the guy. Your wife is an expert liar. Your wife is into threesomes, sex chat, and naked photo exchanges. Can you blame the guy for being concerned?

[StillinShock]

Why you would want to stay with a woman who has cheated on you so many times and continues to lie to you?

She has been lying and cheating on you throughout your marriage. I suggest you get tested for STDs asap.

She will continue to lie and cheat on you. Of course, she regrets getting caught. But that is about it.

I would suggest that you spend some time reading about narcissitic personality disorder---and then, since you have closed your eyes and "worked through it" so many times--well that is another word for
co-dependent.

She has had no consequences for her behavior. You need to kick her out and tell her you don't care where she sleeps.

A three-some!! Ughh...she doesn't even try to hide it from you. Run,run, run for your tests and let's just hope she hasn't given you something that cannot be cured.

I'm sorry---but it is time for you to get some cold water to wake you up. I know, I'm still freezing from the cold water that splashed in my face but this is one thing that you do not want to sleep through.

SIS

[SocalSadness]

So sorry bro.

Lots of good advice from the veterans although I might hold off on kicking her out for a month or so until you do the following...

Keep ALL the proof you can for your lawyer so you won't have to support this puta's shenanigans. Trick her into disclosing as much amunition as possible as if you're her best pal and sex confidant. If you can get her to e-mail you details of her sexual escapades even better. Tell her it turns you on to re-read them if you have to but start compiling a paper trail of her betrayal. After you go through the terrible disconnecting process that will be one of the hardest things you've ever done this info about her unmotherly promiscuous lifestyle should assure you custody of your biological child. There's really no going back after stuff like this my friend. You don't want to raise your child in a loveless marriage with a woman who you can never trust or respect again. And get over the savior complex it will lead you wrong every time.

Oh, If you live in California disregard everything I just wrote and pray real hard instead.

Post often here to vent your frustrations but separate quickly. Listen to the advice of the folks who've stood in your shoes.

My very best alohas. -Socalsadness

[xenthius]

If you know for sure she is cheating and has been cheating and has confessed to cheating then follow your instincts and get a divorce. Its often better for the kids in the long run because your relationship with your wife will become more strained as time goes on and the kids will always be affected by this. I am speaking from experience growing up. Of course the kids will need you more than ever.
Don't know about your state laws on cheating and what not, but I'd think getting evidence such as pics, emails, video, etc etc probably could help.
I am truly sorry to hear this and hope the best for you and your children.