Hurting/Confused/Devestated

[somethingsuss]

Hello all

Im here on this forum because i really cant discuss this topic with anyone around me. Im also here because im scared and worried. Ive noticed for some time now that my wife is very private when she goes into our bedroom where her laptop is. There has been a couple of times where i have caught her using applications on Facebook that are pretty much dating sites. Confronted her about it and got told she was just looking and nothing more. While this bothered me i kept a lid on my anger/hurt and let it slide without much more said because she kept telling me that there was nothing to worry about, and i believed her.
Anyway this has been playing on my mind so i created a false identity on facebook and made contact with my wife in a way of testing her. Why do i feel bad in doing this ? Im scared as to what might happen. I asked her with this false identity to meet up, if she says she wants to meet up for a coffee does that mean i should leave her ? Even if she does nothing physical ? Im a little lost in my thoughts and am hurt and really confused.

i feel a mess and i keep making excuses to myself like "oh she is just flirting to feel good" or "she isnt thinking straight, she thinks its innocent"

Anyways what if i find out she has met others? Im scared to even ask. I was also thinking to confront her about this contact that she is having with this false identity i created or expressing the infomation i gather with this identity and im sure the answer will be "i was just chatting" or she could easily say she was lying (to the identity)

I never expected this from my wife i thought we were better than this, i feel like crap. It makes me wonder if my wife is the person i really thought she was..... and that makes me sick in the guts.

I would have gone to the end of the earth for this woman that i have been married to for 8 years, and now this ?! :(

[doesmybuttlookfatinthis]

First, you must put away all fear. Your wife is the one that should be afraid. Definitely meet her. Make sure you suggest the possibility of sex. When the time and place are arranged, Let her get there first. Why? You want to rule out, her having second thoughts. When you catch her, you have to man up and show outrage but not anger. You will need to tell her that at this meeting, two things will happen. One is that you will decide whether to go home and throw all her **** out the door and file for divorce. Or to try and reconcile. If you get excuses or an arrogant attitude, you will see her in court. If there is tears and contrition, you will move to the next step. Complete transparency. Key logger on her computer (don't tell her, just ask for access and all passwords. You can put it on later when she is away from her computer) and absolute truth in all matters. You need to ask her how many men she has been with since she started this (if you find out its even one, move to divorce, if you have no kids). If she has parents or family around there, make her move out and work to win you back. Since these are meetings with other men for sex and not an affair, if she has done some guy, it was for sex and sex only. Dump her, she has turned into a ****. She likes the sex and she won't give it up easily. YOU MUST BE STRONG, CONFIDENT AND NOT ANGRY OR NEEDY. YOU HAVE TO GET THE TRUTH.

[StillinShock]

doesmy has good advice.....I'm sorry this is happening to you and it is very sickening.

You should find one person that you can confide in though--these things make us sick if we try to keep it just to ourself.

She has no business on these sites--and then they typically lie about so be prepared that whatever she tells you about other men may, or may not be the truth.

It's the doubts and lack of trust that the cheater instills that starts to destroy everything.

SIS

[bchgrl2008]

I agree with the others. Whether she has cheated or not, she shouldn't be online "looking" at dating sites. There is no privacy in a marriage. Unfortunately, you are scared to see what is already in your gut. God....I remember being out of town one week to see my best friend. I knew that my marriage was struggling, but I woke up one night and thought, "He's screwing around on me". I flew home a week later, and began searching the house looking for condoms. For some reason, I just knew it!! I didn't know with who yet, but I suspected that it was my neighbor. About a week later, I saw her and had this urge to hit her. I knew it, but denied it to myself. I checked phone records, but didn't look at the texting part of my bill. I didn't want to see it. Come to find out later, 2 days before I left for that trip was when they slept together in my home for the first time. I knew it. I had known it in my gut, but I tried to ignore it. I should have confronted the both of them, but like you I was so scared. Because of that, this affair dragged on for 8 months. It was horrible. You need to face this and get it all out in the open before things get to a point where you are hurt more than you need to be.

[somethingsuss]

ok so with the facebook identity i asked her if she had met other people from facebook and what her experiences had been, she said she had met two others!!!!
she went on to say that the meetings had been.... well heres what she said....

"they hit onto me in a real sleazy way............
the first one asked within the first 5 minutes ........."so.......when do i get the chance to see the dirty side of you" ????? WTF....he was lucky i gave him the extra 5 minutes!!!!"

Then she asked if i had msn.

i replied with why chat on msn when we can chat here ?

Anyways she left for a christening interstate yesterday and to go an visit family, and ive never really given it a second thought or really had any doubts but now? well this time after this if feels very different.

I dont know if she has cheated physically but i tell you what im hurting to find this out. Could she be lying to this identity ? Or maybe thats just me holding onto hope?

I feel i need some concrete evidence of some sort so i have no doubt.

[StillinShock]

sigh....get a keylogger....it sounds like the only way to ease your mind.
Sorry you're going through this...
SIS

[Doofus McDoofus]

ok so with the facebook identity i asked her if she had met other people from facebook and what her experiences had been, she said she had met two others!!!!
she went on to say that the meetings had been.... well heres what she said....

"they hit onto me in a real sleazy way............
the first one asked within the first 5 minutes ........."so.......when do i get the chance to see the dirty side of you" ????? WTF....he was lucky i gave him the extra 5 minutes!!!!"

Then she asked if i had msn.

i replied with why chat on msn when we can chat here ?

Anyways she left for a christening interstate yesterday and to go an visit family, and ive never really given it a second thought or really had any doubts but now? well this time after this if feels very different.

I dont know if she has cheated physically but i tell you what im hurting to find this out. Could she be lying to this identity ? Or maybe thats just me holding onto hope?

I feel i need some concrete evidence of some sort so i have no doubt.

First off, I am sorry this happened to you, but you have definitely arrived at the right place by being here.

I know that the freshness of these events are painful, but please listen and take heed by what is said on this forum. This place, and its members helped me through a very difficult time myself. Fortunately in my case I took their advice and I couldn't be happier that I did.

So its obvious that she is emotionally if not physically cheating. so yes you are going to have to get proof and if that means pouring through phone records or using a keylogger, so be it. No one deserves to be cheated on in any circumstance.
I would also consider getting yourself tested for STD's. It may be frightful,. but if your wife did in fact sleep with guys she met online, then god only knows what she could be carrying.
Love may not last forever, but an herpes does.

Also take the initiative and consult an attorney to see exactly what you need to do.

Once again I am very sorry for your pain. It is sad but true that social sites can be harbingers of doom for relationships. If your wife is acting on her impulses rather than working to try to strengthen her marriage, then It may be time to find the nearest curb and drop her off at it.

[holikdad]

Nine times out of ten when you feel there is something wrong it's because there is. All of your assumptions are probably correct she's cheating. Moving forward you can't trust anything that she say's, cheaters will LIE, this is an absolute fact. If she said she met two guys that she found online she probably met ten, if she said one guy was sleezy and she wouldn't give him the time of day, she probably slept with him.

The hardest part of this process is your acceptance of what is happening in your marriage. You need to be strong, you need to be firm, and you need to decide what you want to happen next, don't dance around her because you don't want her to leave. YOUR HAPPINESS IS FIRST PRIORITY!!.

If you don't have kids that's a good thing, having kids ALWAYS makes this a harder process. If you do have the then they need to be at the very top of your priorities as well. Be smart, be sane, and at the very least be rational. If you feel that you want your marriage to work, try to decide(which is difficult) if you would still want to be with this person month's down the road.

And remember, this isn't just crap advice from anonymous people on this site, we've all been there, and we've all had to deal with this type of situation so we know exactly where you are coming from, and exactly what you are feeling right this second. GOOD LUCK!!:D

[somethingsuss]

Nine times out of ten when you feel there is something wrong it's because there is. All of your assumptions are probably correct she's cheating. Moving forward you can't trust anything that she say's, cheaters will LIE, this is an absolute fact. If she said she met two guys that she found online she probably met ten, if she said one guy was sleezy and she wouldn't give him the time of day, she probably slept with him.

I REALLY hope you're wrong about this! There is one thing i do know and thats the truth.
i just hope its what i want to hear/find

[StillinShock]

The problem, unfortunately, is that the cheater lies. They lie to sneak around, then lie when they are caught and then pretend to tell the truth so that we think they are no longer lying, and then lie that they ever lied.
around and around and around

And the other problem, unfortunately, is that the victim/spouse really really wants to believe their loved one. So, at the FIRST sign of even the smallest thing that we would want to believe, well, WE BELIEVE THEM!!

And then we are devastated to find out that they were lying! and even more devastated to find out that they are STILL lying.

I have been amazed on this site by how many of us believe almost anything. Notice is said "us" because as I look back I cannot believe how much I believed at first.

But some of the stories are as obvious as: "I caught my wife sitting in her pajamas looking at **** while my neighbor was rubbing her shoulders when I was supposed to be at work but she said nothing happened. What do you all think?" And several will post "she's cheating" "of course they are having an affair". And the victim will write back "do you think? I will try to get proof". And those who have been down the road wish that we could help but the spouse/victim has to find out for himself/herself.

But, alas, we all need our proof. And some of us, myself included, had to have this proof over and over before it starts to sink in.

Good luck to you--but remember, you won't hear the truth from your spouse. How do you know when the cheater is lying? The lips are moving.

[somethingsuss]

I guess all there is left to do is bite the bullet and put my wife to the test. If there is something to find, dont you worry i will find it!
I have never questioned my wife about much in a suspicious manner, i give her freedom and work to the bone to provide a better life for us. Like you all say i DESERVE to know the truth!
Ive always said it and she knows it as well as the next person, that im as sweet as sugar when i love and cherish you but watch out if you cross me! The only people that i have ever FULLY trusted to do right by me are my parents, brother and sister and my wife. I always keep everyone else at arms length. FOR THIS EXACT REASON! IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO BITE YOU IN THE ARSE!

sry about that.
rant over

[somethingsuss]

OMG i just finished talking to my wife with the fake identity over msn and she arranged to meet me for coffee!
im devestated like you would not believe! i feel like screaming yet im trying to keep it together at the same time !

How do i keep my mouth shut and go along with the meeting? Im so crushed! and i have no one to go to! She is interstate and i dont know how im going to face her when she gets back!

[StillinShock]

:mad: That's horrible. Just plain horrible.

You'll be in shock and rage for awhile. If you can try to think clearly...secure some finances, and then take a taperecorder with you...if nothing else, it will help when she starts being "so so sorry" and wants you to forgive her, and tells you that "nothing would have happened" etc etc....

Then you can remind yourself---

I'm sorry. This is a very tough road to travel....We're here for you....

[holikdad]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, cheaters are terrible people who will do anything to get what they want. But I know it's difficult to keep a cool head and not start raging.

I don't know if you've already done this but maybe take an opportunity to read our old posts, it may help to read about everything that others have gone through to give you strength.

Good luck, we're behind you.

[somethingsuss]

i just had to talk to someone so who did i call ? my wife interstate. i dont know why i did that! i think i want to hear her tell me something reassuring? and she did say all the right things! i broke down crying to her that i felt alone in the house and that im sorry for this and that (things she resents me for) she says she understands and wants me to stop crying. i was a mess an absolute mess so i got off the phone. Without blowing my cover of the false identity.

She sends me a text Stop crying, everything will be alright i love u !

Where do i go from here ? My mind is RACING! Why do i still think she loves me and thats she is making a horrible mistake, and that she doesnt even relise what she is doing ? I still love her so much and will never love another in the same way EVER again!

[StillinShock]

Very common....a lot of us turned to our spouse for comfort after they betrayed us and, yes, it makes us think we're crazy! But it reminds me of how a child still loves their parent even when the parent slaps them around. Or the way a dog goes back to its master--no matter what the master does to them.

It is hell feeling the way you do--I cried and cried--and called my H when I was down--sometimes I would let him just hold me (and then I would want to hit him). The betrayal and grief by a loved one is so confusing and the shock just messes with our emotions and our minds.

This is what happened to you. Don't beat yourself up too much over it. Of course, it is better to turn to someone else but even now after over a year, when I am down, I will sometimes still call to hear my H's voice.

The mind knows that we have been betrayed and that we should exit--it takes awhile for the heart to catch up.

Good for you for not spilling to the beans on the false identity.

But, yeah, at first I kept thinking that my H just didn't know what he was doing to me! That he didn't realize what he was messing up because we had such a great marriage and I knew he loved me dearly....but he keeps lying and I have to realize that he doesn't feel the same way toward me or he wouldn't have risked my life to disease and all--and he wouldn't have been with other women!!...that is NOT love!!

Yeah, she loves you--loves you so much she is willing to text and meet other men--just keep reminding yourself this while you cry and long for her.

I'm osrry this is happening to you too.....
SIS

[Doofus McDoofus]

I am so sorry. It seems that your wife has absolutely no scruples. Now you know she is a cheating liar. They go hand in hand...the cheating, and the lying to cover it up.

Dont reveal anything to while in this wounded state of mind. It will be hard at best, but you now need to decide whether you want to try to repair ior dgive it up.

You can certainly see that her lying to you and wanting to meet you for coffee that she is not much of a life partner.


I wish you the best

[cz1bcs]

6 months ago I found out that my husband of 30 years had been having an affair with a co-worker for 6 years. He lied like crazy trying to get out of it but I knew his mistress and went to talk to her. Boy did I get the truth! You think you know your spouse but you don't. Love doesn't count for nothing when they start an affair. Their only concern is what they want. Then when you catch them they suddenly develope this undying love for you and can't live without you. So much bull! You are left feeling like you will never be whole again, you want to die. The only satisfaction I got out of the whole thing is beating him with a coat hanger.

[spyder01]

If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain...don't know the rest of the song, but you get the idea. I'm going through some serious crap with my wife right now and have learned something. You can talk and give and love and support and trust. But in the end, the only person that you can really know and really trust is you. I hope that everything works out, but take care of you first.

[StillinShock]

6 months ago I found out that my husband of 30 years had been having an affair with a co-worker for 6 years. He lied like crazy trying to get out of it but I knew his mistress and went to talk to her. Boy did I get the truth! You think you know your spouse but you don't. Love doesn't count for nothing when they start an affair. Their only concern is what they want. Then when you catch them they suddenly develope this undying love for you and can't live without you. So much bull! You are left feeling like you will never be whole again, you want to die. The only satisfaction I got out of the whole thing is beating him with a coat hanger.

Well cz, looks like we have something in common. 30 years of marriage. I had to chuckle about the coat hanger. I really know how you feel--and they do suddenly develop this undying love once they are caught. Except they continue to lie...
Tonight is a bad night for me. I went to a 50th wedding anniversary of some friends and then I came home and cried and cried. I had so much love for my husband all these years and just really thought he loved me. And now, all the little signs are creeping into my awareness and, you are right, it makes you just want to die. Sometimes I think that I shouldn't feel so sorry for myself as I had 30 years of happiness and raised great kids but then, I see these other couples and I just sob and sob. It is like a nightmare--and it still feels like this almost two years later. Tonight I just really missed what I used to have or thought I had--dancing with him, hugging him. The husband I had died and I'm left with tainted memories and grief. I wonder how much was real and what wasn't real between us. He didn't just take away the future--he took away my past----
And I don't know how to stop the pain or how to stop crying...

[bchgrl2008]

You know the interesting thing is....our cheaters USED to be these people that we miss. They used to be the man/woman who made our hearts come alive, the man/woman who made us happy when we hugged, danced, laughed, married, etc...I really believe that life gets in the way sometimes. Marriage is like the ocean...it is so strong and so important that you can't turn your back on it or it can take you and you drown. The ocean/marriage has to be respected and nurtured for the beauty to remain. I realize this may sound corny, but just think...when you are swimming, you can't stop putting forth the effort of swimming or breathing for a second or you can drown.

I think all of us at one point believed that our marriages could sustain because they started like great dreams....I am not saying that we did anything wrong in our marriages, but none of us saw them for what they were as time went on and we changed. Our lives changed...through kids, through jobs, and just getting older we all got stationary. Marriage is work, and marriage is hard. That's what we all miss. We miss the DESIRE to put forth all of our efforts to our marriages. Many may disagree and that's fine, but I want anyone to sit and ask themselves if they EVER sat back BEFORE the infidelities and asked if they were truly happy in the marriage. I know I wasn't. That's why we don't want the old marriage back and we can't bring ourselves to put forth the effort to make this all better. We didn't cheat. Our spouses made the wrong choices, and THEY are 100% responsible for the directions to which our marriages went.