My wife cheated because she was Angry at me

[Sirric]

This is my first post so sorry if it is a little long....
It all happen in a span of 2 weeks where she finally snapped and decided to hurt me as much as I hurt her. 16 years of marriage and 15 years of no real intimacy, you know, once a month sex and light cuddling, thoughts of being with other people..the usual issues with relationships developed around lies and half truths...
Me, 39yo, never really tell her how beautiful she was/is, carrying on an emotional affair with my xHSGF who is now a lesbian, no sex involved and broke up before I met my SO because I cheated on her but she accepted me back as a friend and came out to me as a lesbian.
Her 41yo, feeling like the other women in my life and always told that it was in your mind that I loved my xHSGF more than you...

Well as it turns out, I went to be xHSGF best man and give her away at xHSGF's wedding and my SO told me if I went, she was going to really hurt me and I didn't listen. She was angry at me for 15+ years because I loved My HSGF more that her in her mind and I never thought she was in that much pain. She decided to have the A after I swore no more contact after the wedding, but she saw my xHSGF on my facebook page and that's when she decided to hurt me back.
D-day was March 17 when she told me that she was going to lunch with a girlfriend who's mother had cancer. After listening to her go on about her friend, My gut was screaming at me that nothing added up about her lunch date, So I followed her from work to her meeting with OM. I rolled up and saw her in OM arms and I went cold inside. I pulled up and she came over and we talked for 3 hours about all the hurt she had and why she did it, but claimed that there was no sex involved. I found out later that wasn't true. I started searching and found all here e-mail's back and forth. I told her to end it with him and I cut all ties to my xHSGF so we could start over again, she told me that she ended it with OM. I also call the OM and told him everything I knew and to leave her alone or I would tell OMW. Well, the following week I found a second e-mail account started up from her to continue the A and that's when I decided to leave. I gave up and died inside. She pleaded with me to stay and then she made vague hints at suicide if I did leave. I know she loves me and through all the e-mails it was strictly a physical A.

We talked all night and opened up about all our hurts and feelings about each other. I showed her all the emails to my xHSGF and she saw that it was not physical nor was I cheating on her. She made all the right moves to convince me that the A was over, NC email, open access to phone and email, answering all my ? about OM and there trice and we are now trying to make this marriage work.

I am still hurting and trying to rebuild trust but as most here have said, It will be a long a bumpy road. I know that she loves me more than ever and has said she is in love with me again and the sex is better than ever, but I am still vigilant and suspicious of all her movements. I hope this will make us stronger and she doesn't relapse. I know I won't.

Thanks for forum to vent, It helps to read I'm not alone... :o

[MuffinMan]

Ok, what you did was wrong. I can see why she was hurt if you were carrying on some sort of EA with an X. But that doesn't excuse what your wife did.

She actually spread her legs for another man while married to you thinking what you did was an excuse.

So while you were a d!ck for developing feelings for someone else, she actually crossed the physical barrier.

So you have alot of making up to her for what you did to her, but don't let her think she can't sit there and benefit from her affair by taking all your efforts, but her making none.

And if she ever throws things in your face while you are trying to work on the marriage, then I'd say, "at least I didn't go out and have sex with someone outside our marriage...you, however, can't say the same".

[Sirric]

Thanks for the reply...
Question for all women, do you feel that an EA is better, worst or the same as an SA. I've felt that women can handle a SA by their SO better than an EA. Chime in please.

[demoralized]

Don't you just love the one-up-man-ship nature of the society we live in?

You hurt me by doing that, so I am gonna hurt you worse by doing this.

Sirric, realistically as Muffin said, you should not have carried on a relationship with your ex, but that did not give your wife justification to be unfaithful. Other options were on the table, she chose the one that benefited her the most, and simultaneously would cause you the most anguish.

Not so much an eye for an eye, more like a head for an eye.

Best of luck with your recovery.

Cheating out of Anger could open the door to cheating out of sadness, cheating out of boredom, pretty much anything they want to use to justify it in their selfish minds.

[Sirric]

Thanks for the advise and reality of this situation, D. True about the 1 up man ship we do... It is our nature to do so, you bring a knife, I bring a gun and so on... In all fairness, She warned me. I know I'm her first true love and it is a powerful feeling to overcome and to cheat on, so I'm willing to give her 1 more chance. I dread the day she decides to continue the A as I would D her so fast. I have already retained a lawyer and he is on speed dial with all the paperwork ready to go.

[bchgrl2008]

As far as emotion vs. sex? I feel like they are both equally bad, however, an emotional attraction is far more dangerous. That usually leads to the sex. The OW in my situation baited my husband with sex, but then completely roped him though emotion. That's when things got out of control. They developed feelings for each other. A purely sexual relationship is so much easier to break away from than an emotional one. I can see why your wife was bothered, but the ex was a LESBIAN. You should have respected your wife's feelings about it, but there is no excuse for cheating.

I have had relationships that were totally sexual, and I had no problem walking away. Emotional relationships are solid, and tough to break. Hopefully that helps you out a bit.

[sadpatricia]

S-

You are not going to like what I have to say, but here it is.

You are both very immature people. You are involved in some half-ass backward nutty relationship with an ex girlfriend from high school who is now a lesbian - GROW UP. You should be emotionally connected to your wife, not some nutty old flame from high school. You are 39. That was over 20 years ago...

Your wife, who you admit you ignored for the last 15 years (or was it she who ignored you, I am not exactly clear on that?) took revenge on you. Regardless, you have been in an admitted lousy relationship for the last 15, mind you FIFTEEN years of your life and now you are worried about what your wife thinks and is doing? She, too, let the lousy relationship go on with you for the same fifteen years. Why are either one of you worried about the other? With all your short cut e-mail speak on this web site, you are probably a guy who spends way too much time e-mailing and texting people. You are 39 years old. This is what the teenagers try to do all day that I teach. It's time for you both to seriously emotionally connect with people on a human level. Start doing things together. Get off the computer. Just check a couple of necessary sites each day, do some therapeutic stuff (like this site), do only important emails (not to the lesbian), and shut it off.

It is time to grow up. Let go of the past. Try to figure out who you are married to. Why did she do what she did? Is she a worthwhile person? Is that why you spend all this time worrying about your lesbian ex? Are you a worthwhile person? In my mind, you are both cheaters, as Bchgrl pointed out. You are as guilty of an affair as your wife. You have been emotionally cheating on her for years. Though, I do agree with Muffinman, your wife did spread her legs. But, maybe she was aching for a real person, not her SO who is still HOH in love with his xHSGF who is now a lesbian that he was BM for at her recent wedding. LOL

I don't have patience for cheaters of any ilk. I wish you the best.

Sincerely,
Sadpatricia

[Sirric]

SP,
Noted. You are most likely correct...We are both reconnecting and I've realized that I was most to blame since I was the one with the issue that would not talk about it. What the issue I have now is whether I can ever trust my wife again. I know I'll be good, but like demoral said, what next problem will cause her to spread her legs again for someone else.

About cheating, I'm willing to bet 80% of all people will cheat and the other 20% will never admit it. So if you have no time for cheaters, you are going to be very lonely...LOL:p

Thanks anyway for your harsh words as this is all part of my transition to a better person.
Sirric

[MuffinMan]

I too feel that an EA and a PA are equally as bad.

However, a physical affair is the one that stays engraved in your brain and those are the visions that come back to haunt you over and over.....unless you get rid of the cheater that is:D

[sadpatricia]

Sirric:
So 80% of us admit to cheating, and the other 20% cheat, but won't admit it. That means 100% of us cheat. Sorry. Wrong. This is your justification for you and your wife's sins.

No, I am not lonely a bit. But, I was lied to, cheated on, and my husband desperately is seeking to get back with me. Yes, I let things get out of hand in my relationship, but I never will again.

Quit throwing around your own statistics to allay your own guilt.

Sincerely,
Sadpatricia

[Sirric]

WOW, You do need to see a therapist....The statistic WAS IN JEST!!!!:eek:

Any how I do appreciate around 95% of the advice provided here:rolleyes:

[sadpatricia]

Sirric:

You and your wife are both cheaters. Go ahead, spend time on your defective wife. You deserve it.

Been to therapy, still there, am proud to admit it. Hope to see you there soon. Your wife, too.

Sincerely,
Sadpatricia

[bchgrl2008]

Wow. Don't go after Sadpat. She is wise and really cares about people here. Not everyone will agree with you, but taking jabs at people based on their opinions isn't cool. You may have been kidding, so make that clear, don't turn it into a bad encounter between you and another poster. I have a huge amount of respect for Sadpat, and she has been a very big piece of my surviving.

Thanks Sadpat...you are a healer and I am glad to hear what you have to say.

[Sirric]

In all fairness, I never attacked her, I thanked her for her harsh words and made a joke that was clearly that, A JOKE with tongue in cheek, and what do I get, Personally attack out of left field in not 1 but 2 messages, I'm immature and my wife is defective and I deserve it?!? What utter Crap! She had some constructive criticism that helped and I listened, but sounds like she is a bitter woman that paints everyone with the same brush....And I'm immature?

Listen here, I didn't post here to be slandered nor did I ask anyone here to put me or my wife down. I didn't say I was perfect and neither was my wife, but Damn is there any Frakking hope for those that have cheated or have been cheated on? According to miss holier than thou SP, Nope! Then why bother to post a reply to me? Either provide direction or just leave me alone.
Did you get what I trying to say Bitter SP? I hope so..... And no you don't fully help with your colored glasses on, keep seeing that therapist, maybe you will be able to move on, I hope so. And yes we are going to a MC to help us through this difficult time. Good day to you!

[Skirtchaser]

Personal attack? Slander? Boy ur feckin dumb. Immature? Yea I think so to.
Your a cheater, a loser, low life. Is that personal enough? There is no hope for cheaters, you don't change. You repeat your behavior, and the only hope for those who get cheated on is to get away from the cancer.

Stop your slobbing and go slumming with your sainted wife. Don't let the door hit your as.s on the way out of this forum.

[Sirric]

Wow, You really made me see the errors of my way, Thank you Skitzoid, Your a valued member of any society that values your way of communication.

[Skirtchaser]

Wow, You really made me see the errors of my way, Thank you Skitzoid, Your a valued member of any society that values your way of communication.

Your wife charge by the night or by the hour?

[Sirric]

You couldn't afford her on your pay....Hey, could I get fries with that? Now I guess I'm being immature. huh, Moron?

[Skirtchaser]

You couldn't afford her on your pay....Hey, could I get fries with that? Now I guess I'm being immature. huh, Moron?

I see, she doesn't charge, she gives it away. Wonder what you call a man who lives with her? Moron's taken.:cool:

[Sirric]

Anyhow, here's an update. I finally contacted the Other Man Wife and provided all the e-mail's with their conversations about the affair and it turns out that OM has cheated on his wife before after the 1st kid was born...She kicked him out of the house. I told my wife what I did and she was happy that I told the OMW but sad that she had caused pain in this other women's life by doing this affair. I agreed and then we continued to talk about all the things we did to each other and how it ruined so many things and what we must do to continue our recovery. I feel better that the other wife knows about the affair, she suspected he was cheating on her before I even knew it and was looking for the proof that I provided her...
That old adage of trust your gut is so true.

[Skirtchaser]

Do you really think anyone here really gives a sh.it about your update?

[Sirric]

Do you really think anyone here really gives a sh.it about your update?

"IGNORE ON"

[Skirtchaser]

Ban On:) like that?

[Skirtchaser]

Too bad sick rick, that was fun. You should'nt have hammered Sad P. :cool:

[sadpatricia]

Skirt/Bch/Dogs:

Thanks for watchin my back... Sorry I caused a problem, but I just thought this guy, Sirric, was just too cavalier about carryying on an emotional affair for that long in his marriage. And then when the skank goes and seeks revenge, he gets all nervous and sick to his stomache and even has the gall to confront the other man's spouse to make sure his wife's affair is over. Man, these people are toying with each other, with the most precious gift you can give to a person - their trust, their complete, blind, and sadly misplaced faith and trust. He's completely oblivious to the pain he caused his wife for god-knows how long, and when he finds out he's been cheated on, he's got to come on this site to try to figure out how he can ever "trust" her again. How the h*ll can either one of them ever trust the other? They seem like shallow sub-humans. Unfortunately, as Sirric pointed out in his one moment of lucidity, they represent a large part of the world. Though, not 100% as Sirric would want us to believe. Oh, I forgot, that was in JEST!

Thanks again, all.
Sadpatricia

[Skirtchaser]

don't you worry over this sad p. Sick rick is not a valuable member here, you are. He is a cheater. THIS IS what happens when cheaters post here. We cant help them. They are lost. Don't apoligize for what they post. :cool:

[bchgrl2008]

Sadpat-
We ALWAYS have your back. Invaders just don't get that we have all formed strong friendships here. I will not sit back and allow some waste of space piece of garbage go after my therapists!!! I was in Vegas this weekend and missed the Chaser whooping a$$!!! Dangit!! Good job though!!