candip
04-06-2009, 11:23 AM
When did things become so complicated and wrong? I have been cheating on my husband and I want to confess, but I can't let go of my lies. The anticipation is killing me. I keep going over how this all started and hope that a look back can help me diagnose my malfunction and how to get me running like new and staying honest.
I was dating a man for a couple of years, some of it long distance.. things were great, or so I thought, and he asked me to marry him.
Half a year later I move in and we begin to adjust ourselved to each other. It as very hard, but I was up for the challenge and completely swept away.
About a year later we begin to hit a rough area in our marriage and I start to suspect that my husband is not being completely open to me about the reltionships he keeps at work.. I was right. I found deleted emails and overheard conversations with one of his co-workers about how they had plans to meet up.
I was devastated.
Maybe I had not been hit by a car or struck by lightning, but it sure felt as if I had been knocked out.
How naïve had I been to believe that MY marriage would be exempt from these things.. How could I believe that I had been such a good girl that the favor would be returned.
But that's just it. It wasn't about me. Maybe I influenced him now and then in his major life decisions, but in the end, his struggles were his own.
I was heated, very upset.. at a time when I was beginning to feel locked out from his heart and mind... he was starting to make room for another woman, or women. So... I launched an investigation. Started looking through bank account statements, phone records, and computer files.
My dream marriage turned out to be a harsh reality. he had been calling several women thought his work day.. and he was subscribed to a dating service.. I also found out that throughout our engagment and for those 2 years we were together before marriage, he cheated on me the whole time with different women.
He denied the whole thing. He didn't know how or where I fund my information, so he denied having conspired toward any for of infidelity.. soon afterwards he had to leave once again on business.
He let me know that he didn't have time to talk about such nonsense and that I should stop being so paranoid.
A few business trips later, I find myself unable to tell my husband that I decided to seek revenge.
I should have left him. That would have been the right thing to do, but I was determined to get a confession out of him. I thought I had it all together, I convinced myself that if I put a decent amount of effort into our marriage, he would confess to his ways and change the direction he was headed in.
I was not strong enough. Each lie and each hurtful word was like a slap in the face.. but I was like a drug addict. I felt compelled to continue even though I was getting beat up. I knew what he was doing, the calls he was making and the time that was unaccounted for was increasing. We weren't having sex........ which was A NIGHTMARE. I was practically arguing for sex. But to no avail. He was distracted and was not about to make love to me.
The first time I cheated was gross. Something inside of me snapped.. I was becoming increasingly horny and irritable. I got hit on by men all the time, which was a horrible reminder of what I wasn't getting at home. I've been told all my life that im very attractive, both physically and mentally. I was enraged that I had the ability to turn guys away automatically even when my husband was being a hypocrite. Because that's who I was and what I stood for. I figured that if I was so sexually initiating that my husband wouldn't think twice about looking elsewhere. I needed to prove a point. I have been capable of cheating all of my life, yet I never did. And now I was compelled to do what everyone else seemed to be doing. I did it. Halfway hoping that I would get caught. I took a long hot shower after I did it. And I felt bad when he didn't suspect me. But I kept it to myself.
I started feeling even worse about my marriage. I never imagined cheating on a husband that I loved. Never accounted for the strong emotions and the decisions made when swept away. I cheated with a man that I didn't know, didn't love... and I got away with it.
I tried to make up for what I did so I decide to pick up where I left off driven by guilt to try to get closer to my husband. I even caught myself trying to hint about my one night stand. But I get rejected big time. He even told me that im not the type to cheat and that I don't have it in me. So wrong. I did have it in me, I onl needed motivation.
Things blew up after that. He was looking for more reasons to leave the house, longer working hours.. and more phone calls. He was getting better at hiding it. But not god enough. Then comes another business trip.Another lie.
I went to work. I amassed a list of numbers with guys willing to have an affair, "no strings attached".
I wasn't strong enough. I became the enemy I was preaching against. I acted out of spite and was extremely unhappy. It was easy to go undetected and I flew completely under the radar.
If a guy got attached, id move on to someone who wouldn't ask too many questions so I wouldn't get caught. I started to look forward to it because of the sex. I wasn't getting any at home.. so I was sleeping around and I didn't stop.. knowing my husband was doing the same.
He finally confessed. Well, sort of. He came home from a business trip sad and apologetic. Like he wanted to make amends. He confessed to having cheated on me before we married. Only once. He still doesn't know I have evidence to prove he had been around the world so to speak. I wanted him to confess on his own. He also confessed to talking to a lady at work. Just one. Even though I know that there are more and that he did more than talk. He was apologetic. And although he didn't really come clean.. he looked sorry.
I was really getting used to this.. pretending to fix our marriage while getting mine on the side. Playing some game that only I knew the rules to. I was growing accustomed to having sex with a man that eemed to appreciate me. Someone I knew I would never leave my husband for.
So now im at a crossroads. I am not going back to another man. I don't have the appetite for more problems, just the ones I already have. I hve to decide whether to fess up to a man wracked by guilt or to live unhappy knowng I have secrets.
If I don't fess up, it would be that much easier to fall back into someone elses arms... because I would have no one to hold me accountable. But I also don't want to confess to my husband. He confessed with half of a tuth. And half a truth is not a truth at all. I know all about lies now. And im getting very good at living one.
I was dating a man for a couple of years, some of it long distance.. things were great, or so I thought, and he asked me to marry him.
Half a year later I move in and we begin to adjust ourselved to each other. It as very hard, but I was up for the challenge and completely swept away.
About a year later we begin to hit a rough area in our marriage and I start to suspect that my husband is not being completely open to me about the reltionships he keeps at work.. I was right. I found deleted emails and overheard conversations with one of his co-workers about how they had plans to meet up.
I was devastated.
Maybe I had not been hit by a car or struck by lightning, but it sure felt as if I had been knocked out.
How naïve had I been to believe that MY marriage would be exempt from these things.. How could I believe that I had been such a good girl that the favor would be returned.
But that's just it. It wasn't about me. Maybe I influenced him now and then in his major life decisions, but in the end, his struggles were his own.
I was heated, very upset.. at a time when I was beginning to feel locked out from his heart and mind... he was starting to make room for another woman, or women. So... I launched an investigation. Started looking through bank account statements, phone records, and computer files.
My dream marriage turned out to be a harsh reality. he had been calling several women thought his work day.. and he was subscribed to a dating service.. I also found out that throughout our engagment and for those 2 years we were together before marriage, he cheated on me the whole time with different women.
He denied the whole thing. He didn't know how or where I fund my information, so he denied having conspired toward any for of infidelity.. soon afterwards he had to leave once again on business.
He let me know that he didn't have time to talk about such nonsense and that I should stop being so paranoid.
A few business trips later, I find myself unable to tell my husband that I decided to seek revenge.
I should have left him. That would have been the right thing to do, but I was determined to get a confession out of him. I thought I had it all together, I convinced myself that if I put a decent amount of effort into our marriage, he would confess to his ways and change the direction he was headed in.
I was not strong enough. Each lie and each hurtful word was like a slap in the face.. but I was like a drug addict. I felt compelled to continue even though I was getting beat up. I knew what he was doing, the calls he was making and the time that was unaccounted for was increasing. We weren't having sex........ which was A NIGHTMARE. I was practically arguing for sex. But to no avail. He was distracted and was not about to make love to me.
The first time I cheated was gross. Something inside of me snapped.. I was becoming increasingly horny and irritable. I got hit on by men all the time, which was a horrible reminder of what I wasn't getting at home. I've been told all my life that im very attractive, both physically and mentally. I was enraged that I had the ability to turn guys away automatically even when my husband was being a hypocrite. Because that's who I was and what I stood for. I figured that if I was so sexually initiating that my husband wouldn't think twice about looking elsewhere. I needed to prove a point. I have been capable of cheating all of my life, yet I never did. And now I was compelled to do what everyone else seemed to be doing. I did it. Halfway hoping that I would get caught. I took a long hot shower after I did it. And I felt bad when he didn't suspect me. But I kept it to myself.
I started feeling even worse about my marriage. I never imagined cheating on a husband that I loved. Never accounted for the strong emotions and the decisions made when swept away. I cheated with a man that I didn't know, didn't love... and I got away with it.
I tried to make up for what I did so I decide to pick up where I left off driven by guilt to try to get closer to my husband. I even caught myself trying to hint about my one night stand. But I get rejected big time. He even told me that im not the type to cheat and that I don't have it in me. So wrong. I did have it in me, I onl needed motivation.
Things blew up after that. He was looking for more reasons to leave the house, longer working hours.. and more phone calls. He was getting better at hiding it. But not god enough. Then comes another business trip.Another lie.
I went to work. I amassed a list of numbers with guys willing to have an affair, "no strings attached".
I wasn't strong enough. I became the enemy I was preaching against. I acted out of spite and was extremely unhappy. It was easy to go undetected and I flew completely under the radar.
If a guy got attached, id move on to someone who wouldn't ask too many questions so I wouldn't get caught. I started to look forward to it because of the sex. I wasn't getting any at home.. so I was sleeping around and I didn't stop.. knowing my husband was doing the same.
He finally confessed. Well, sort of. He came home from a business trip sad and apologetic. Like he wanted to make amends. He confessed to having cheated on me before we married. Only once. He still doesn't know I have evidence to prove he had been around the world so to speak. I wanted him to confess on his own. He also confessed to talking to a lady at work. Just one. Even though I know that there are more and that he did more than talk. He was apologetic. And although he didn't really come clean.. he looked sorry.
I was really getting used to this.. pretending to fix our marriage while getting mine on the side. Playing some game that only I knew the rules to. I was growing accustomed to having sex with a man that eemed to appreciate me. Someone I knew I would never leave my husband for.
So now im at a crossroads. I am not going back to another man. I don't have the appetite for more problems, just the ones I already have. I hve to decide whether to fess up to a man wracked by guilt or to live unhappy knowng I have secrets.
If I don't fess up, it would be that much easier to fall back into someone elses arms... because I would have no one to hold me accountable. But I also don't want to confess to my husband. He confessed with half of a tuth. And half a truth is not a truth at all. I know all about lies now. And im getting very good at living one.