She stopped lying this morning [Archive]

SocalSadness

03-19-2009, 02:09 AM

My fifteen year relationship took a devistating turn for the worse when I began a cognative outpatient program to deal with the grief and loss of my stepson murdered at age six. I had stuffed emotions from PTSD which turned depression, anxiety and misplaced anger resulting in estrangement. Seeking medical help I was put on two drugs which both have sexual side effects of decreasing libidoand fatigue. During my first week in program my wife "hooked up" with a stranger she met on-line and says she will continue to do so every Thursday and Saturday when I am at work! She admitted cheating only THIS MORNING though refused to answer any specific questions I had about the affair or the man she calls her "F-buddy". She tells me she loves me though one side of her mouth but refuses to give up her promiscuity though the other. I believe she waited till I was at my most vulnerable to begin her affair. What kind of a person has sex with a stranger, admits it and expects to share my bed and life? I was cheated on when younger and told her the only unforgivable thing she could possibly do would be to cheat. It seems so unreal. I would never cheat and consider men who do to be less than men. I was only twenty eight when we met and now am beyond middle age. I do not relish the thought of beginning my life over again with grey hair and a bald spot. I am so broken hearted and confused I could not sleep and found this blog. I can't imagine my life without her but can hardly imagine forgiving her or even ever trusting her again. I've considered hiring a private detective to locate this other man but have no idea what I would do with the information other than end up arrested for assault. I've worked so hard to better myself for US and this is apparently the payoff. Hardly worth all the work. Any advise would be helpful.

Prevailing emotion of the day: Confusion
Prevailing thought distortion of the day: I am worthless

Flynn

03-19-2009, 08:10 AM

She obviously believes you are not strong enough to divorce her. She thinks you will ***** and moan about it but will not leave. See a doctor about your libido but she does not really love you if she does this in your face!!! She may need to be on the verge of divorce before she stops this. Don't show weakness anymore.

MuffinMan

03-19-2009, 09:19 AM

My fifteen year relationship took a devistating turn for the worse when I began a cognative outpatient program to deal with the grief and loss of my stepson murdered at age six. I had stuffed emotions from PTSD which turned depression, anxiety and misplaced anger resulting in estrangement. Seeking medical help I was put on two drugs which both have sexual side effects of decreasing libidoand fatigue. During my first week in program my wife "hooked up" with a stranger she met on-line and says she will continue to do so every Thursday and Saturday when I am at work! She admitted cheating only THIS MORNING though refused to answer any specific questions I had about the affair or the man she calls her "F-buddy". She tells me she loves me though one side of her mouth but refuses to give up her promiscuity though the other.

Nuff said, divorce the wh0re.

What kind of a person has sex with a stranger, admits it and expects to share my bed and life?

A wh0re

I was cheated on when younger and told her the only unforgivable thing she could possibly do would be to cheat. It seems so unreal. I would never cheat and consider men who do to be less than men. I was only twenty eight when we met and now am beyond middle age. I do not relish the thought of beginning my life over again with grey hair and a bald spot.

I didn't relish the idea either. But starting over was more attractive than living the rest of my days with someone that cheated on me.

And in your case, she refuses to stop cheating. And the part about her loving you is bullsh#t. If she loved you, she wouldn't cheat.

I am so broken hearted and confused I could not sleep and found this blog. I can't imagine my life without her but can hardly imagine forgiving her or even ever trusting her again. I've considered hiring a private detective to locate this other man but have no idea what I would do with the information other than end up arrested for assault. I've worked so hard to better myself for US and this is apparently the payoff. Hardly worth all the work. Any advise would be helpful.

Its easy. You divorce her. don't let her know you are doing it, the day she gets served with papers is the day she finds out. Get all your ducks in a row and take the steps to cancel this skank out of your life.

If not, you will regret it. That I can promise you. Otherwise you would just have to settle for being a cuckold....the husband of a cheating wife.

Good luck my man.

fitzge

03-19-2009, 11:05 AM

Sorry she is pulling this crap on you. She has been up front that she is going to do whatever she wants to do. She has some balls telling the days she plans on being with F-buddy.

She is in fact a wh0re, sl*t, whatever. This is a very low woman -- ditch witch.

Protect yourself financial, she may be burning through a lot of $$ as we speak.

Get tested for STDs right now. Buddy, this has been going on for awhile, and I guarantee you it ain't the first time.

Get your sh*t together and stop worrying about the bald spot. She has programmed you to believe no one else will ever love. Once you figure out what a POS she is, you will realize SHE is the problem, not you. It is called an ephipany, and the feeling is wonderful.
Hang in there pal -- dump

SocalSadness

03-21-2009, 04:45 AM

Thank you for your support. Another sleepless night...

I have to empathise with her having lost her son as well as suffering other life tragedies, although I'm not sure acting out by betraying your comitted partner who stood with you through it all is just reward. I do believe her to be bi-polar and has craftilly avoided treatment of same for many years, manipulating a string of therapists with her sweet artificial facade.

This does not excuse her behavior nor does it lessen the almost unbearable pain, confusion and rage I am feeling.

Does this make me weak? Would you consider a man just worked over with a lead pipe weak also because thats how i feel. That kind of weak. Not weakness of WILL. While my ex may be able to divorce herself from emotions and the consequenses of her actions for what she has actually called the "momentary" tranquility of increadable expert ****ing, I simply can't turn my love off like a faucet. Believe that I wish that I could. HATE is such an easy emotion compared to LOVE and one which I am most intimately acquainted. I Hate the man who killed my boy and stole my chance at fatherhood. I HATE the man who lured my ex astray at least fourteen times in the past few months but I can't bring myself to HATE her even though I don't believe a single word she says. Perculiar eh?

This morning she was angry at me for begging her give up her boyfriend but by noon she was sobbing and swearing never to contact him again, tearily professing her love for me and deep regret for her reckless hurtful and deceptive actions. I was totally numb by this time of course. I know she still has presents for him burned from MY cd collection wrapped in a green bow in her napsack, no doubt has mementos of the exciting affair hidden somewhere in my home and... actually tore his phone number off a love note and ATE IT to protect him.

Be this as it may, I have scheduled us to see a marriage family therapist on Wednesday and have resigned myself not to discuss the transgression until in the presence of a licensed professional. The therapist has her work cut out for her since I can't imagine how I willl ever truely trust my partner again. I have a hard time even looking at her at the moment. Each passing day my sadness, negative feelings and disgust grow, however she is definately not the only one to blame for the affair.

I must own my responsibility for enabling her to stray: A man wracked with untreated PTSD, major depression and anxiety which both according to my many new doctors can cause gluttony, sloth and illiminate libidinous energy (even without the pills and their similar sexual side effects) lead to a life devoid of physical gratification for both of us. Sure we'd laugh, watch movies, go out for dinner and snuggle in bed but whenever I was able to get it up I would rarely orgasm and its sensation was no more pleasurable than vomiting or taking a long overdue crap. Often after she had climaxed once or twice I would fake orgasm just to end the sorry excersise hoping I had at least provided her with some small pleasure. She is a tall slender G-cup brunette bombshell and deserved much better. Embarassing facts but I own every one.

Still, each relationship in my life eventually revealed the women I have chosen to be incredibly gullible, cruel or conscienceless. If I choose to be an optimist and think her merely as gullible then her boyfriend is the ultimate villain as well as the only clear winner in this situation. Revenge fantasies torture me moment to moment. Preying on a woman's sorrow and lonelyness knowing her mate is ill and in a treatment facility... Had he known my diagnosis and ongoing treatment for PTSD Anger perhaps he would have viewed his Thursday and Saturday **** doll as potentially very dangerous to his physical wellbeing. I feel the need to square things in some way to regain a sense of balance in my universe. I'm just too broken hearted at the moment to exact that righteous punishment. Men that do this to other men and women have no honor. I can imagine him doing it right now with someone elses wife or girlfriend.

Tomorrow i work and it would normally be "happy **** day" for my ex. Who knows what she will be doing or daydreaming about? Each day is a revelation as the bi polar rollercoaster speeds along unchecked. I will try to keep it together and not frighten my employees.

Prevailing emotion of the day: Anger
Prevailing thought distortion of the day: I will die alone

Your thoughts are very much appreciated.:confused:

sleeplessnights

03-21-2009, 05:54 AM

wow!!!!, socalsadness, all these emotions and descriptions of emotions have hit home with me. you've said things that i have been feeling and dealing with everyday, you've described them perfectly. i am truly, truly sorry for your loss of your son. nothing can ever replace your son except memories. God bless you, brother.
my heart goes out to both you and your wife, or is it ex-wife. i'm a little confused on that. it seems clear to me that the loss of your son has the both of you in a wreckless frenzy one way or the other. each of you is dealing with this in your own way.
when my brothers' twins died at birth, he drank his self to oblivion. noone approved of the way he was handling it but he didn't care about those people because they wasn't the ones who "suffered the loss", or they didn't "feel what he felt". i'm not saying he was justified in drinking himself to oblivion, i'm saying he handled his pain the way HE handled it. its HIS pain!!!! to many of us are quick to judge out here in this world. but eveyone is different. we handle things differently. understand what i'm saying?
your purpose on here is to vent, take what you need from anyones advice, accept the fact that there are going to be things said on here that you won't like but there is an awful lot of good here. keep coming here to vent.
in my opinion of your situation, i think you 2 need some serious help and some serious time away from each other, she has exhausted all her options of therapeutic help, from what i've read in your posts. she can only deal with it in HER time, the way she handles HER pain.
you need to let her go at least for now. you need to let nature take its course and she'll eventually either self distruct or come to her senses and seek help with you, after she hits rock bottom. at this point, she just plain out doesn't give a fu*ck, dealing with her feelings is too hard so she'll put it on the backburner when shes feeling bad and do what makes her feel good. its not that she doesn't love you or isn't taking your feelings into consideration, she seems to be hurting too. a loss of a loved one, such as a son or daughter, is by no means easy for anyone. she is having a hard enough time as it is dealing with her own pain. if i lost one of my children, i don't think i would give a fu*ck about anything or anyone either. nothing personal, i'm just saying if the shoe was on the other foot, would you wear it.
get help for yourself, let her go, maybe, just maybe, she'll follow you.
let her go, my friend, get help for yourself, maybe she'll follow suit when she sees you getting better.....but here is the one i don't like to say because i should be practicing what i preach, you 2 need to go your seperate ways, even if for a while, until you can get yourself straight.

sleeplessnights

03-21-2009, 06:04 AM

i'm sorry about saying your son in my above posts, i meant stepson. i'm sure he felt like your son. but remeber, he was HER son, and his death wasn't "natural". again, put yourself in her shoes....that is why i say let her go and seek help for yourself. did you ever see the movie "Reign Over Me" with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. excellent movie. Adam Sandler is a sept. 11th widower, he lost his whole family in the terrorists attacks, and he deals with it the way he deals with it.
it opened up my eyes alot when it comes to dealing with loss and kind of lets you know that you only have one life and it is very, very short. get some time, at least check out the movie, its worth watching....maybe you and your wife could watch it together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!be aware, its a tear jerker.

bchgrl2008

03-21-2009, 11:20 PM

Wow. I am so sorry for the loss of your stepson. I really think that you both are handling his murder in different ways, and she obviously is dealing with this quite differently than you are. If I am understanding this correctly, this was her son. I am no doctor, but I think a very important point has been missed here, and you both need to see a psychologist IMMEDIATELY. Depression isn't far behind here, especially over this horrible tragedy. I realize that you have made an appointment with a marriage/family therapist, however, I really think you need someone who specializes in this kind of tragedy. Is there any idea of who did this to your stepson? I am so sorry. The loss of a child is something that I hope and pray that I don't ever have to face. Best of luck to you.

sleeplessnights

03-22-2009, 12:16 AM

i agree with bchgrl2008, get help my friend, both of you. deal with it seperately or together but get help now. you may have to lead her way, you may have to be the 1st to take the step, you may need to do this by yourself and hopefully she'll eventually come with you. the other guy, shes blind to him, but she'll eventually see.

SocalSadness

03-22-2009, 07:11 AM

Day Four

Thank you for your empathy but feel I need to clarify some misunderstandings.

This should cover just about everything.

Our relationship began fifteen years ago when I met my estranged HER son four and was stabbed through the heart by his biological father when he was six. My father had died less than a year before and having barely crawled out of that depression the compound loss and grief just shut me down emotionally. One of my last conversations with my father was about how to be a good parent. I 've never been the same since they lowered that tiny coffin into the earth. It didn't seem to matter to anyone that I was the man who tucked that little boy in at night, was responsible for getting him in a proper preschool where his mother could work as a bookkeeper and see him throughout the day or was there as a parent and read books on parenting like 'Living In Step', he was HER son... not mine.

The trial dragged on and was a media circus in our New Mexico city with the defense trying to character assasinate HER daily. Even though I was also traumatized I still had to deal with the district attourneys, be at the courthouse every day and orate in front of the judge at sentancing begging for a life sentance, I was always excluded by her bubble of condolences and support, religated to being THE LIVE-IN SUPPORTER who's job was soley to take care of HER since, after all he was "HER son not mine"... I vividly remember telling the judge how I had reasured "my boy" the only son I will ever know, that there were no such thing as real monsters and that he'd never need to fear because I loved him so much and would always be there to protect him. I was proved a liar by his own father and a screwdriver through the heart.

Her immediate family who habitually avoid conflict and drama was not physically present and supportive in the aftermath. They couldn't fly home from the funeral quick enough. I remember her brother saying to me "Hey, whatever your name is, thank God you're here for HER." My role was quite clear from that day forward. I had symptoms of a heart attack, (the beginning of an developing anxiety disorder) and was hospitalized only to check out ASAP to return to HER side. Duty called. And when the bubble of local freinds and consolation disipated, back to their normal lives, the grief and soul crushing horror were still there everyday and so was I.

We saw a PLCC from the police dept for grief counselling who continued to invalidate MY loss and focused entirely on HER, after all, I was merely a "periferral character" and the child "wasn't really MY son", so I stuffed my own natural emotions and helped her as best I could.

I had to train myself to be emotionally absent to survive. I held her as she cursed her ex husband, the universe and ME. She tried to stab me with a broom handle when she felt "cornered" in the powder room. Insanity and Endless dispair. I cannot adequately describe the cloud of darkness that engulfed us in the following years. Eventually at PLCC's advice, I packed up and relocated us to the beach for HER sake, of course, but the cloud inevitably followed.

We openned a small business and tried to be happy, but every laughing child was enough to trigger a lapse into depression for us BOTH but my sole purpose was to lessen her pain. Another Trial almost immediately as SHE winessed the police shooting of NFL player Adolphus Demetrius DuBose in front of our shop. No matter what they say he was racially profiled, provoked and murdered in the street. We were required to testify and were again character assassinated. We joined weight watchers, she gave up cigarettes and we looked great on the outside at least. While the real problems weren't cosmetic she now hated her new slender body. Her post childbirth breasts, once an E, would not fill bras or clothing properly as well as being a constant reminder of her loss so SHE wanted reconstruction. She was sure this would lead to better sex and happiness.

IE: SEX = HAPPINESS.

I accompanied her on a search for surgeons, held her hand in post-op where she awoke cursing me. She cursed me through the discomfort of recouperation. Eventually we could be intimate again and there was a brief glimpse of sunshine until she began self medicating with marijuana (a depressive though legal in California when perscribed by a doctor) and suffered a bi polar episode, punching herself in the head and screaming threats of suicide from the bedroom as I frantically called hospitals. Commited to a treatment center she dropped lots of weight resumed smoking cigarettes but looked amazing after dischage. Too psychologically damaged to entertain my sexual interest any time soon though. Brief sunshine followed as well as a new sexy wardrobe but peri-menopausal mood swings shut me down over and over again and shortly she began gaining weight and experiencing unatural fatigue but MY libido was already in decline, still untreated for PTSD and depression.

Unending menstruation, unpleasant odor and a mouthful of smelly discharge during rare cunnilingus indicated symptoms of an enlarged pre cancerous uterus and she required an imediate comlete historectomy. As always I remained in my role as wannabe savior and as usual I was the object of rage acompanying the discomfort of recouperation which was long and painful... and still no treatment for my festering feelings of loss grief and illigitimacy.

She promised better sex w/o birth control as the silver lining. She lost weight and looked fantastic but sex was out of the question for a long time during which my depression deepened, my libidinous desire decreased. She gained her weight back as did I. We had never entertained marriage. Both of us had been there before I once and her three times but suddenly she was hungry for it. No other ring would do but her grandmother's although now she shames me for not even buying her my own diamond. I pretended to drag my feet but planned a trip to Hawaii for her 50th birthday where I would propose via a message in a bottle and present her heirloom ring in a miniature wooden treasure chest while snorkling along a beautiful reef. She said yes drifting in the Pacific surrounded by angelfish...

Those were the days.

The economy prevented our return to Hawaii to be wed by our friend on his boat.

On a recent solo visit to my parent's home I had a breakdown thinking of my dad and my loss of fatherhood and my peers who have had normal lives and raised beautiful children... I sat in my fathers office holding his servce revolver crying and laughing at the same time. I decided I needed help. Finally. Just for me. It was MY TURN. I called home and was soothed by HER voice and pledge of support. I asked her to call my doctor for me to get the ball rolling.

On the layover at the Houston airport my cell rang. It was HER and she was raging. She read me a three page anger letter blaming me for everything bad in her life, that she thought I was going to be the man of her dreams but turned out to be the man of her nightmares. She now cursed me for not taking her to Italy for her 50th birthday to propose instead, for MAKING her get a boob job, for not diagnosing my own PTSD, depression and anxiety, for our vacant sex life... everything but 9/11 basically. Already fractured I sobbed in the airport and boarded the plane wishing it would crash.

She stands by her letter. These are what drove her to cheat she now says. I did what life trained me to do and ignored my own well being. Few men would have stuck around though all this and now someone else is reaping ( or raping) the benefits. I've been in an intensive Cognative outpatient program for two months and as I said before she began her physical affair the week I began treatment. The other day I pulled into the garage and closed the door. As I reached to turn off the ignition my hand stopped and dropped to my lap. I could take a nap I thought. the engine rumbling gently and Let it Be on the stereo mezmorized me for several minutes. I shut off the car and coughed though the fumes into the house.

My life now: Mental Therapy Monday and Wednesday nights, Physical wellness training Monday and Thursday mornings Private psychiatric on Fridays and now couples counceling on Wednesday morning and working on her f-buddy days, (allegedly over).

Hell lies in between.

Prevailing emotion of the day: Dispair
Prevailing thought distortion of the day: I am a Failure

Your comments and advise appreciated as always.:confused:

bchgrl2008

03-22-2009, 11:54 AM

Holy Sh!t. I don't know what else to say. I sit here in tears wishing that I could make all of this go away for you. I am devastated over what has happened to YOUR son, as I stand beside that he was YOUR son too. My brother and I share our mom, but we have different fathers. My Dad adopted my brother, and I always see him as my full blood. A father has nothing to do with sperm donors. Being a Dad is much more than that. God, I am so sorry.

For all of those whom are faithful to God and all, this is where I start to question....why does this man deserve this hell that he lives? I realize that there is a God, but why do young childeren have to be murdered, and why do innocent people trying to do the right thing get tortured? I am so sorry for all of the losses here. Your wife, your son, and your life. I am glad that you are in therapy, and you are obviously trying to pull it all together. I only hope and pray that the sunshine comes back into your life and there will be better days ahead. My God, I am so sorry.

Flynn

03-22-2009, 02:25 PM

Get out of this nightmare!! Your wife is gone if she was ever really there to begin with. Sounds like you have not had much experience with women in your life. There are better ones out there that will treat you better.

sleeplessnights

03-23-2009, 08:33 PM

God bless you my friend, thank you for being a good person, thank you for enduring the hardships you are going thru. my reason for thanking you is because you have helped me lean toward God and say a prayer for you and those in your life. there is no doubt that your step son is with the good Lord in heaven and there is no doubt that God loves you, too. God believes in you and puts his trust in you because he knows what kind of a person you are. whether you know this or not, your life is helping others out here and that, my friend is a blessing. you are blessed and you have helped me, a person with an extemely hardened heart, a hateful heart, become soft and even break down and cry for you and pray for you. you have helped me be thankful that i have the kids that i have, you have made me feel blessed. God bless you and i promise to pray for you. i am so, so sorry for what you and your wife are going thru. there is no doubt that she is tortured from this, too.

sleeplessnights

03-23-2009, 09:00 PM

as i read your lasts post for a 2nd time, something hit me. thru all this life of change that you 2 have seemed to constantly go thru, thru all this life of trying different things to make everything all better, you 2 forgot to do one of the most important things in the world that everyone seems to not do anymore.....thats stop and smell the roses, thats see the forest for the trees. alot of people out there are to caught up in what the world has to offer, they forget the simple little things. you need time alone, you need time away from everything. even if its something like a cabin in the woods and go fishing. catch your fish and cook them on a grill. have a fire, drink a beer, something to bring you back to real life and get away from all this madness. make piece with yourself and God. do it in Gods country. look at the little things that have been overlooked by society like daisies in a field, maple trees, an open fire out in the woods or even in your back yard, drink a beer, cook on the grill......look at what God has created for us, and count your blessings. there is more to be greatful for, you just have to look.
God is watching over you and you was right when you told your stepson noone will hurt him, because the truth is, noone will ever hurt him ever again. God will deal with that boys real dad, in time. but we don't have any patience. if you really think about it, what is , say, 75 years on this earth as compared to a life time in heaven or hell.
as far as your wife, you have enough on your table, you don't need hers anymore, too. she is going to have to pick up her own pieces. you can only tell someone the sky is blue so many times, if they still don't get it, then quit telling them and let them figure it out on there own. in other words, you've done the best you can, let her go.

SocalSadness

03-27-2009, 10:14 PM

Didn't sleep a winklast night. I think i'm going for a record...

Went to Marriage Family Therapist on Wednesday morning. My SO liked the therapist and so did I very warm and optomistic. Called us Adventurers and that If we could get thru the physical loss of Noel together we can get thru this difficult time or indeed anything. She had us do an observation excersise where we sat arcors from each other close enough to hold both hands and had us look into each other's eyes. We were then to say "I notice ( for example) your eyes are brown and twinkly and I care about you." My SO giggled like and the excersise was very bonding. We were given homework to Respect Boundries, Make an effortto express small Kindnesses daily, notto monitor each other but t rather self monitor noticing and journalling thoughts and separating helpul VS non-helpful, supportive VS non-supportive, Clearing unuseful thoughts. A positivity mantra of "Trusting" was recomended.

When we left the office she chatted to me excitedly about her positive feelings about the session. she mentioned a rock she saw on the ground and I picked it up for her when she wasn't looking (like her f-buddy did on one of their dates) and we came home to do our fill out our life histories. As we filled them out at different tables in the same room we'd laugh at some of the questions and say things like what'd you put down for question 75, etc. She finished before me and as I was still working she grabbed a cigarette and started to pace. I asked her what was up and she said she was going for a long walk with her phone to call her f-buddy and wish him a happy birthday. I was knocked back on my heals. I couldn't believe it and said so. She said she was doing what the councelor said and being truthful and that when she promised she wasn't ever going to see him again she only meant till after therapy. She left and I cried again.

I can't seem to stop crying these days... it's very embarassing and humiliating. I grabbed my stuff and flew down the stairs to my study as she returned leaving the rock I had piced up on the staircase. Shortly she returned and in a couple moments she knocked softly on the door, said he didn't answer and left him a birthday message. She got on her knees in front of me holding MY rock and "trading-in" a package containing the gifts she'd been carrying for him and the rock she'd been keeping as a momento of their affair professing once again renewed comitment to our relationship work that she loved me etc etc. What a roller coaster.

That afternoon we went to Group councelling and she held MY rock in her hand touched me affactionately from time to time as if she couldn't help herself. We went to dinner and giggled and exchanged glances like the old days. Of course I am thinking the only reason she's doing this is because lover boy didn't answer the phone I saw my Psychiatrist today and he urged me to get out of the relationship ASAP, that it was increadably damaging to me. He was adamant that she was escaping her grief through self destructive and escapist behaviors like smoking lots of pot or ****ing a stranger and that she'd continue this pattern indeffinately until she got real face to face psychotherapy with a DOCTOR in our city not on the phone from three states away. He said that couples therapy usually fails when one of the patients continues substance abuse. I told him she has said in the past that she would choose her herbal self medication over me any day. He said she was spiralling the bowl and that I was in danger of going down with the turd. My colorful language , not his of course but he he seemed genuinely horrified at her behavior and I was a little freaked out at how "in my corner" he was, I've never felt this kind of support before but I guess that's what I pay him for.

Anyway, for the past few days I've been waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop and right on schedule as I served her T-bone steak dinner I asked point blank if her gigalo had called her back yet and she admited that indeed he had just this afternoon. I felt angry and betrayed she hadn't mentioned this immediately and she got defensive saying with a mouthful of steak that she didn't feel adored by me! Well imagine that!

Even though I knew this was coming the new version of me (the one that that cries all the time) started to loose control and I left the table to do a half hour of mindfulness meditation. Very helpful.

I began typing this post and she knocked on my study door twice and when seated inside I told her I was at this very moment in therapy on a support group webstie called Chat Cheaters and with this site's logo over my shoulder gently pressed for details about the phonecall. She said she had told him I had asked for a second chance and that she couldn't work on our relationship if he was in the picture... going on to say she'd told him not to expect to hear from her again for SEVERAL WEEKS, months or possibly never again. This of course leaving the f-buddy door open for her and the doubt/mistrust machine running full throttle in my head.

Who is this woman and where did she get my once loving partner's face?

doesmybuttlookfatinthis

03-27-2009, 10:39 PM

Dump her. There is nothing else to say. You may love her now. She is abusive. She knows what this does to you, She actually likes doing it to you.

Skirtchaser

03-27-2009, 11:30 PM

I can't believe you have any hopes of this working out, everyone's right, it's over move on and leave this bad memory behind. Jeeze. :rolleyes:

SocalSadness

03-28-2009, 08:06 AM

I thank the senior members for their frankness.

You seem frustrated that I haven't kicked her cheating butt onto the streets and I understand. All imput is appreciated regardless of tone.

Indeed I have modest realistic hopes this will work out for us as a couple. Please understand that it is hard letting go of fifteen years of trauma bonding and yes, happy memories too in just one week. All lovers are foolish and I am the fool wishing I could have and supply those Limerent feelings in my broken relationship rather than making it HAPPEN years ago by seeking individual treatment. Will couples therapy be the glue that works? Time will telll and I will share my story as it unfolds.

Yes I feel wronged, hurt, angry and that a deep trust has been broken but still see this woman as my greatest love.

I also live in California which means even if she had ****ed the Pittsburg Steeler offense and the entire E-street band on live TV during the Superbowl halftime show I would still most likely loose half of everything I own. The economy is terrible and spinning my wheels in a difficult, possibly doomed relationship through my bussiest money making season seems somehow less nauseating than closing and dividing my business and personal assets and starting over. There are many factors and my head is still spinning. When all is said and done I will survive, but it seems the only thing I can control in my life at the moment is the speed and manner in which it unravells or rebuilds. I am grasping at that last shred of control and honor. Couples Therapy may make this parting unessisary or less volitile or it may not but I'm hoping for the former.

I am merely sharing my experiences and emotions and hoping for EMPATHY and that you might share your advise on how to cope with these FEELINGS and THOUGHTS as they arise.

doesmybuttlookfatinthis

03-28-2009, 09:47 AM

So just close her off financially. Tell her to have her F-buddy pay for her Botox and and hydro therapy. If you can't trust her with your heart, you can't trust her with your money.

bchgrl2008

03-28-2009, 10:15 AM

I know finances are tough for everyone, however, how much is your sanity worth? She has no intention of ending the affair. She will continue on with or without therapy. It is only natural for you to engage in behavior with her like she did with the OM, (the rock), but you aren't him and it isn't healthy to continue on while she is having two relationships at once. If finances are a problem, then file for separation. At least it's on record, move out, and she's on her own without you legally having to do anything. She is going to continue to tear you apart if you continue to let her. I hate the California "no fault" divorce law. There is fault. She is cheating on you and blatently doing it to your face. She's not taking therapy seriously and I really think this is more than you can handle.

Some may make you feel like they are frustrated with you, but really, we aren't. We have ALL been there, and until you are ready to go, you will end up fighting to work this out. Only YOU can determine when you are ready. I have this close friend who was in a physically abusive relationship for years. She kept going back....her reasons. Ultimately, she packed up and left him. He found her, raped her, and tried to kill her. When he choked her out and she fell unconscious, he went into the kitchen to get a knife to cut her up. He thought she was dead. She came to, ran out of the house and called the police. He ended up in prison for 15 years. He just got out and she's in hiding. Even through all of that, she JUST went to counseling this year. She even says that a part of her still cares for him, as much as she went through, she still wants answers. Answers she will never get. When I told her about my H's affair, she told me, "If you decide to go, you will go when the time is right. You know when you are ready, and until then, focus on you. Only you know when you are ready to go and the decision is yours. Those who really love you will stand beside you no matter what the decision." I always pass that along. You will make decisions when you are ready, and don't do it before that. Don't rush decisions, but don't let her to continue to abuse you either. She is treating you this way because there is no consequence. If you must cry, then cry....it's a great release.

We all just want you to see what is right in front of you. A deceptive, cold woman who is playing you. It will take time, but clarity will hit you and you will see her for what she really is. Love is blind, and that is why affairs themselves are unrealistic. Nothing is what it seems. We see what she is because we aren't married to her. We have no emotion for her. You on the other hand do and you clearly want things to work. You have hope. Question is.....what does she want? What is her intent?

Flynn

03-28-2009, 01:56 PM

How and where do they get together? I ask because now you need to be able to monitor your wife. What prevents he from sneaking around and doing it again. Has your sex life with her improved? Who is this guy?

SocalSadness

04-02-2009, 10:07 AM

I know exactly who this guy is and where they meet.

I'd love to drive right over and bust his noggin for violating Guy Code #1 with his knowledgable participation in this sad triangle but... he was deffinately lured, and not wanting to end up in San Quentin (I'm way too purdy for prison) I've embarked on what I am calling...

REVENGE : PACIFIC PACIFIST STYLE ;)

I decided to challenge the Limerent Equation for myself this week. (Affection + Hope + Roadblocks= Limerence) Since I've been starved for affection and hope and see nothing but roadblocks to reconsiliation with my SO, I did something ... questionable.

I arranged a super secret lunch date with one of my most attractive female pals I'd not seen in a while at a Jamaican resturant up the coast. She used to work for me but is now a teacher. This gorgeous surfer girl is almost half my age but from the moment we met years ago we shared a sparky flirty chemistry. I believe I held what I would now call limerent feelings for her then: couldn't get her off my mind, hoping I'd see her, etc.

She's in a commited relationship now and knows what's going on in my life so I figured it was a safe way to regain some balance, equity and self confidence. I was just as nervous as if I were going on a real date, just as worried I'd get caught and just as sparky as ever with her. We swapped all kinds of life stories to catch up and It was wonderful. We held hands briefly and embraced several times. Special friends are hard to find and this was the first physical contact I've had with a woman since Limerence disrupted my life months ago via my SO's infidelity. Intoxicating feelings to be sure. I went to my final Mindfulness research group feeling ten feet tall and as bright as the sun.

"Surfer Girl's" already asking about a future SECRET MOVIE DATE and I've asked a couple other female friends to dinner or whatever just to get some practice. Theyre all into the secretive phoney date idea too and I can hardly imagine a woman who wouldn't be: No strings and no pressure for sex, just friendship flirting and fun with an, um ... distinguished older man. I've asked them to critique me afterward as if they had been real dates. I've spent most of my adult life with my SO and could use the evaluation. I think they're going to try to teach the old fella how to dance!

I still want to reconcile and forgive my SO so am I making a big mistake planning for a worst case scenario while getting retribution for my SO's secret trysts in this bizarre manner?
______

Oh yeah I drove directly to the hospital for my final Bhuddism based Mindfulness research group after the date, and upon returning home around 9pm my SO told me she was lonely and had to Struggle not to call or e-mail her Limerent Other while I was gone. I commended her for her restraint but when I brought it up the next morning by asking why she didn't text or call me when she was feeling lonely she replied "Because I don't like you". Cest la vie. One day at a time.

Any recommended reading matterial like Not Just Friends or Surviving Infidelity?

circuscat

04-02-2009, 01:10 PM

I just read the whole thread and I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through in your life.

I totally understand you wanting to try and make this relationship work but I don't beleive she wants it to. It seems like such an emotional roller coaster ride with her. Plus I cannot believe she hasn't completely cut off communication with this guy and your therapist just wants her to be honest? They don't want her to end the relationship? That's the first thing they tell you in all of the books that I've read on infidelity.

I see nothing wrong with what your doing in practicing on your skills with your friends; it's time to worry about yourself from now on. Hell if I lived any closer to you I would join you for lunch to practice as well. :-)

I hope you find your true happiness.

These are the books that I have read; you can probably find them at your local library instead of buying them to save a buck these days. :)

After the Affair - Janis Abrahms Springs
Infidelity A Survival Guide - Don-David Lusterman
Not Just Friends - Shirley Glass
The Truth About Cheating - Gary Neuman

bchgrl2008

04-02-2009, 09:24 PM

I don't think you should rush into anything right now. We all have this feeling like we too need to go out, get attention, sleep around, revenge, revenge, but truthfully, in order to heal from this, we all need to be on our own in some level in our lives.

SocalSadness

04-08-2009, 02:06 PM

Thanks gals. Too bad smart caring women like you only usually exist online and in my imagination.

So, my Secret Date Movie was bittersweet:

I met my Surfer Girl in La Jolla where we enjoyed a healthy lunch at Wild Oats: Veggie Samosas and Chicken Vindalu (Elvis' favorite food nexxt to PB& nanners) and set off to THE WATCHMEN. She's great and we laughed as she dangled gummy worms in my face during the nude scenes! I've never seen so many computer generated penises onscreen in my life!

The afternoon would have been a big hit were it not tempered by new deciet, stumbled upon quite by accident during a discussion w/ my "Father in law" during which he brought up my SO's recent trip to visit them where she arrived on Tuesday.

Unfortunately she had left early Monday morning.

When I inquired about the confusing discrepancy she crumbled admitting that she had gone to the beauty parlor, nail salon and then to her LO's until the following morning. They did however leave his condo long enough to take the huge SUV I rented for her safety to a drive-in to see... yep THE WATCHMEN.

Oh, and somewhere between the sheets had texted me that she had arrived early and was excited about going to bed early. How considerate. :rolleyes:

We cried and went home together pledging renewed effort toward honesty and reconsiliation but within a day she was insensative about her behavior on craigs list looking for an apartment.

The rollercoaster pauses long enough for Marriage Family Therapy today and group therapy tonight.

Wish me strength.

bchgrl2008

04-08-2009, 04:44 PM

Socal-
You have way more strength than you think. When the dust settles in this, you are going to be OK. I want to believe that there are more honest, caring, women out there and you deserve nothing better. Keep working on you, because you are the only guarantee you have in YOUR life. We are here.

doesmybuttlookfatinthis

04-08-2009, 07:52 PM

Socal. Can I ask you a question. What exactly are your expectations? She admits that she has/is/will cheat. What are you hoping for?

holikdad

04-09-2009, 06:53 AM

That's what I want to know, if she's still cheating, and doing it badly because you're catching her easily, what's the point? Why stay? She's continuing to make your life a roller coaster of bad emotions so why not get out now?

SocalSadness

04-09-2009, 09:26 AM

I'm not going anywhere.

I love my sunny house on the lagoon. I wake to the sound of seagulls each morning. I walk three minutes a day to MY businesses on the beach where I carve tikis and chat with tourist coeds in bikinis and rollerskates who tell me I'm talented.

I've done nothing wrong so why should I split.

The hard part will be letting go of the fifteen years of what I thought was love forever and hardship bonding we shared and persevered. In just a short few months I've lost my mind, my supporter, my sense of reality, my best friend, my lover, my equilibrium, my confidence, my vision of the future, my ability to trust what in love conquering all. I have nothing left to loose but tears and with each drop I heal.

I will wake in the night and reach for the empty place in my bed where she should be or clutch my chest for the place in my heart where her memory will live forever, but I am done resisting.

She should be packed and living with a couple spinster roomates in Pacific Beach by Saturday. Her single room has a queen size bed which is all that matters to her at this time and suppose it suits her new hobbies. She has asked for her negative STD results which she had her doctor send me, perhaps to post on the wall by the bed. This should keep conversation with her playmates to a minimum.

holikdad

04-09-2009, 11:39 AM

Very nice, I'm a firm believer in the one who cheats has to leave.

It'll take time, as it does for everyone, but you'll get over it. Especially after you invite a few bikini co-ed's back to your place. :D

StillinShock

04-09-2009, 08:09 PM

I've been separated now for several months since I asked my H to leave. It is hard at first--the house feels empty and you miss the conversation.

I cried so much at first...but, it's true that you really do get used to it. I was surprised because I thought I would never feel that way. But now, when I come home, I feel at peace. And I feel like it my place. It is actually okay to be in solitude.

I noticed that when all the kids come home and the house is loud, I'm almost ready for my own quiet time. Who would have thought...

Well, I just wanted to share that with you. Occasionally I really miss that hug goodnight....I imagine it will be a faded memory too one day.

doesmybuttlookfatinthis

04-09-2009, 10:03 PM

Alright, finally. Time to go and share some more of them gummy worms. *wink* *wink*

SocalSadness

04-10-2009, 08:34 AM

doesmybuttlookfatinthis

04-10-2009, 08:48 AM

Six months from now when you and your movie partner are melting each others gummy worms and your cheater comes crying and begging, you need to think of what you will do. She will miss her meal ticket. She will miss her enabler. And she will somebody who actually gave a damn about her. I hope you stay strong.

StillinShock

04-11-2009, 12:08 AM

Stillinshock-

Thank you so much. This is the kind of gentle positive experience of healing I need to hear right now. I didn't cry once yesterday. Amazing. I know those hugs will come again from another more deserving source in time, but if you like, please imagine a big warm hug floating thought the ether from California to Texas just for you tonight.:)

Butt -

I've already got the invite to the new batman flick. Gummy worms included.;)

Hey all-

I can't tell you all how much your support has meant here online through these difficult changes but I'd also like to find an infidelity survivors group in the real world here in San Diego with meetings and coffee and real people with faces etc. All I've found through google are private investigators and more web blogs.

Any suggestions or should I start my own comforting assembly?:confused:

Several of the churches have some groups in their single ministery---one was titled "romantic betrayal"...of course, there was DivorceCare...that was okay and the groups were good to be in once a week. It actually helped more than I thought it would although I didn't go to all the sessions.
The first one was about the shock, then one class is on anxiety, another on depression, etc....I think the biggest part of it is actually signing up and walking in and facing the reality that you are now part of this group--literally--the group of separated/divorced people. I cried the whole first meeting along with some other lady across the room.
But after a short video we had a group sit in a circle thing that was actually very good. Hearing others talk and sharing--it was helpful. I noticed that as the weeeks past I had come a long way. Of course, there was some bible focus but not too much--
Anyway, I would suggest it---the churches seem to have a lot of activities for singles--coffee chat night, bowling, this type of thing...

Ravage

04-11-2009, 12:22 AM

Social have you filed for divorce??? First?

I mean yeah it fun and new to be dating a hot woman, but seriously you should be focused on getting your divorce. then start dating.

SocalSadness

04-12-2009, 10:33 PM

Butt- Haha She's truely just a friend, half my age and in a comitted relationship with a nice young frat boy who's well aware of the situation. We're just pretending. To paraphrase Freud, sometimes a gummy worm IS just a gummy worm. I've realised all my friends are half my age! I must be very immature. I'll have to shanghai my buddies wife to go shopping with me to buy some contemporary threads. I dress like a skateboarder or a hot rod mechanic and am always covered with woodchips and sawdust from sculpting. Not a good look for meeting intellectually mature women.

Shock- Thanks so much for the info. I checked and found the office of the author of Surviving Infidelity. She's right up the street! I intend to ask her for recommendations as well and if our MFT session disintegrates I'll probbably switch to her as my post-infidelity therapist

Ravage- I know there's a lot of info in my posts so it's possible you missed that we were never married which is why I'm getting ready for her to try and wipe me out with a palimony suit. I do thank you for shaking me out of pretend date world though. I've postponed my grilled salmon & veggie dinner & movie till another night (Yes i can cook). I've got a lot of unpleasant business to take care of tomorrow including what I can only imagine will be a potentially uncomfortable day beginning w/calls to lawyers, accountants, doctors and sitting at the computer learning bi-polar bookeeping and Quickbooks from my XSO. At least with me there she'll be less tempted to sell things for cash and put the money in her bra instead of the register. She's an expert gaslighter and has actually convinced some of my friends that she's sad and hopes for reconsiliation. (Of course she was hitting them up for a loaner TV at the time). Oh & I've gotta go to the gym and grocery too. Treat myself right and stay healthy.

OK so I'm talking like a big tough guy now but a few hours ago my XSO called to ask me to bring her pillow to the shop and I quickly jumped in the shower, shaved and spruced up, just because I'd be seeing her for like three minutes. God I miss her voice. She of course was cold as ice. I'm such a ****eyed optimist (South Pacific reference).

Anyway I'm gonna wash away those unrealistic ruminations of hope with a double feature courtesy of Netflix. Fatal Attraction & Unfaithful!

I might even have some popcorn. ;)

SocalSadness

04-20-2009, 08:33 AM

I am definitely obsessing beyond my cognitive abilities to control. :confused:

I posted the following on my Tribe blog @ 4 am Sunday morning, did some meditative breathing exercises and returned to bed, hoping to catch a few Z's at sunrise only to wake in tears following another dream of her.

"Today is the fourteenth anniversary of my fathers death. I miss his wise counsel greatly. As the years have passed I have heard his voice in my head less and less. It's comforting timbre diminishing in my memory.

I wish I could dream of him.

Perhaps the last conversation we had was about my XSO and her young child. I remember him asking me if I were ready to be a father. I laughed saying that The boy already had a father, although a deadbeat dad who wanted little to do with him. My dad paused and said If you are going to be there, be in his life then you will have to parent. Try to be a friend and love, fear, resentment and joy. Children are such wonderful things he said. He was glad I had an opportunity to know such things.

Less than two years later they were both gone, may father to a heart attack and my little boy to the murderous hands of his own biological father.

I wish I could dream of them.

Now as I lay in bed I dream only of her... That we have reconciled and that I have forgiven and forgotten. I see her smiling at me with a love vanished from the daytime... her lovely dark hair and dark eyes. I hear her voice softly say my name. I could live in this dream forever but flinch violently and am awake sitting up bewildered in the darkness. I look to my right at the gentle indentation that once cradled her sleeping body, at the place where her pillow no longer lay. I see the emptiness but extend a hand to be sure.

The sheets are cold ...and this is real.

Through the window the night skies are starless. "

bajamama

04-20-2009, 09:40 AM

SocalSadness

04-22-2009, 10:54 AM

hello there...if you ever make your own Infidelity club..lol
in san diego somewhere in a nice cafe setting...let me know..iam there..ive looked too..but found the same as you, and by the way..you say each tear is healing you?..gee
i cried a river..for the past month..and still feel like it just happened...maybe my tears are not salty enough!!! lol.

keep up the healthy lifestyle...be good to yourself...

a big Baja smile..from your neighbor Accross the Border...

seeya!

Ola Bajamama! I used to live in IB...

I will keep you posted on the peer group. I'm going to approach Claire De Lune's in Northpark. They've got a secluded balcony that would be perfect and of course, a must for any support group: lots and lots of coffee! haha

That being said I'm not a facilitator, just another wounded soul and welcome any and all imput regarding the whens, where's and hows of building such a support group. I'll post a thread about this for SD locals. Please chime in when you see it up and that way we can get started.

About the healing tears, my headshrinker told me that gem and the image has helped me alot recently. Men are raised not to cry or display what somebody decided long ago were exclusively feminine emotions. Instead we rage or fistfight or swallow our emotions like poison till we die young from stress. Since my PTSD therapy & my cheating fiancee split, the floodgates are wide open. Maybe I'm becoming more balanced w/my feminie side, embracing the X in my DNA as as much a part of me as the Y, but I'm still terribly embarassed when I "loose it".

Doc said I needed to give myself permission to cry and I have done just that. Now when I am overcome I tell myself that each tear heals me and it actually lessens my selfconciousness and I feel cleansed after the wave passes. When the tears roll down my cheeks they almost burn my skin and afterward I can actually SEE visible scars, not lasting of course, but almost imperceptable raised red welts. Little riverbeds of my pain release.

Allowing myself to shed these frustrations thru them is like purging myself of a toxic substance.

SocalSadness

04-23-2009, 01:44 PM

What do you think of this e-mail I got from my XSO monday evening only hours after she threatened me with Marvin Action yelling that she'll take half of everything I own. CA law doesn't seem to care that she's filed W2's for the past ten years as a bookkeeper employee, and I am 100% shareholder of my company. She bragged she has attorneys in her family and won't have to pay them a cent to ruin me... Oh and I just found out that a credit card on which she was listed as an additional user that she told me she'd cancelled STILL EXISTS and that she used it for a $2000 cash advance on her hump shack... I took her off all cards today and if she doesn't turn over the mystery card I'll report it as Lost Or Stolen.

Contained within this textural atiface are her greatest weapons: the pity party, the passive blaming, the mind ****, the guilt trip and of course the dangling carrot...ie: reconsiliation on her terms, presumably once she's sampled every swinging **** in Pacific Beach.

Please understand this. I am too sensitive right now. You are too volatile right now.

I need the time to nurture myself and not expect anything from anyone. I am rediscovering myself. I'm still me...I just don't know who that is anymore. I believe you need time to do the same. I believe it will have a calming effect on both of us.

I have a very deep love for you. That love has been so heartbreaking in the past that it's very difficult to face. That has to change. I'm sick too. I need to heal. You are very ill. You need to heal. The healing can't come from me. I don't have it to give right now. I am weak. I am tired. I am sad. I am adamant about taking good care of myself, without the distraction of your illness. I am an adult and I have chosen a course of treatment that I am confident of and comfortable with.

10 days out of the house is not sufficient time for me to regain my self confidence. Self confidence must be regained independantly of each other before we can be strong enough to work on us. I really, really believe that. Couples counseling would just be too hard right now, certainly for me. Also, the fact that you want to work so hard on us bothers me right now . I'd rather you be all gun-ho for yourself. You have all the time in the world to indulge yourself in all the things you need and love, without having to consider anyone else. I call that heaven. I wish you did. This is temporary. Please be patient with you and me. Let us heal. Please.

sadpatricia

04-23-2009, 03:10 PM

Socal:
Loved the toxic communication your XSO sent you. She's just seems so much more focused and logical than you...NOT! She is cleaerly a manipulator; attempting to take the moral high ground with you. Making you feel foolish for not knowing that you're in HEAVEN right now. You just didn't realize it. What a crock of s**t! Hitting up acquaintances for TVs. She's doesn't have an ounce of pride...Oh, but wait a minute. Would someone with a personality disorder care about pride? No, just like my ex, it is all about their own validation. Their own "healing". Baloney.

Don't spruce up for her. As much as you might like to believe she cares about you now, she doesn't. She won't care until she learns that it's going to get pretty tough out there, unless she finds abother enabler, quick. If she does, you're toast. If she doesn't, she'll be back. Same thing happened with my ex when he discovered that his new "love" wasn't as warm and maternal as I was. That made me feel real sexy when he told me that...At least it was the truth. He wants back, but I am taking as long as I need to make up my mind. I don't know what I am going to do. You need time too.

Hide your anger: this will frustrate her. Be aggressive legally: this will anger her. Ask her to pick up all her belongings, you might have someone over: this will raise her anxiety ( it might be slight, but it'll be there.) Tell her you are sad for what you lost: this will hint that you arestarting to heal and puzzle her. Tell her that you had special years together, but now, you and she both realize that you have to protect yourself financially, so you must cut her off: this will drive her nuts.

I have 2 bros, 1 sis, 1 bro-in-law, 1 sis-in-law that are all lawyers and palimony cases are VERY, VERY difficult to prove, even in California, where I , too, am from. If she does find a lawyer willing to take her case, he or she is going to want a big retainer. If one of her sibs is willing to do it for her, he's going to be doing a lot of pro bono. Let's see how far that goes.

Sincerely,
Sadpatricia

doesmybuttlookfatinthis

04-23-2009, 05:09 PM

I will be very sad to hear, if you give the tramp a dime. I wouldn't worry about palimony either.

bchgrl2008

04-23-2009, 06:40 PM

Wow. She's a trash pit. You are volatile? I don't see it. Mad maybe, but you know what....she was banging someone other than you....what did she want you to do, smile and ask if you could watch? How are you supposed to be patient with yourself? Sounds to me like she is pissed watching you rebuild yourself. Your confidence is rising, and I think her being gone has been the best thing for you.

Here's what I don't get about cheaters like this...they are the ones at fault and they want to screw you out of your hard earned life. Not enough that she broke your heart, but now she wants your money? Awful. My H is no saint, but he offered me most anything I wanted if I chose to divorce him. He knew what he did was wrong and he owned up to it. She wants you to eventually take her back, then she should have taken responsibility for what she did.

I am so sorry Socal, it's like the never-ending nightmare. Stay strong, you live in paradise and there are plenty of ladies out there looking for a good man.

StillinShock

04-24-2009, 06:04 AM

Social Sadness...her post is amazing...
You have all the time in the world to indulge yourself in all the things you need and love, without having to consider anyone else. I call that heaven. I wish you did. This is temporary. Please be patient with you and me. Let us heal. Please.

Talk about one for the books under narcissism!! She actually admits that she thinks it is heaven to be able to indulge yourself without having to consider anyone else. Amazing. Wow. That is what she has been doing when she cheated on you.

Yeah, the cheater thinks this is just great not to have consider anyone else.

Oh, and yeah, it's temporary--temporary till she takes you to the cleaners! If you have not cancelled the card do it now! Did you say you are not married?

Sigh....we are unlucky enough to have fallen for a charming, cheating, narcissist and just because we know this doesn't make the pain any less.
I find this forum helpful because it keeps my eyes open. And through others I can see my situation more clearly. When I'm not online here for a few days, I start to forget how my H betrayed me and cheated on me and exposed me and that he could not care for me if he did those things....and then I go online and read about these other cheaters and see that my H is just like them.

And just like me--the victims have a hard time opening their eyes to reality.

Hang in the Social sadness--I think it is great that you are so close to that author--good book. I need to read it again...
SIS

doesmybuttlookfatinthis

04-24-2009, 09:22 AM

You so need to move on from this. The greatest revenge you could ever have is to be happy. To be walking down the boardwalk with a younger, nicer, more beautiful, smarter, better in bed, better in life, woman. And for her to see that, and realize what she left, before ever letting someone like you go.

Again, please tell us that you aren't giving her a single piaster.

tomasingm

04-24-2009, 02:11 PM

What do you think of this e-mail I got from my XSO monday evening only hours after she threatened me with Marvin Action yelling that she'll take half of everything I own. CA law doesn't seem to care that she's filed W2's for the past ten years as a bookkeeper employee, and I am 100% shareholder of my company. She bragged she has attorneys in her family and won't have to pay them a cent to ruin me... Oh and I just found out that a credit card on which she was listed as an additional user that she told me she'd cancelled STILL EXISTS and that she used it for a $2000 cash advance on her hump shack... I took her off all cards today and if she doesn't turn over the mystery card I'll report it as Lost Or Stolen.

Contained within this textural atiface are her greatest weapons: the pity party, the passive blaming, the mind ****, the guilt trip and of course the dangling carrot...ie: reconsiliation on her terms, presumably once she's sampled every swinging **** in Pacific Beach.

Let me translate it for you.

"Right now I am blaming "us" for this by saying we are both "sick" because I don't want to fessup and admit I this is all my fault and I am a failure as a wife and human being. I am ill, so because of this it is not by fault, you have no right to be angry, or say anything that I dont like, i can't help it. Right now I need some time and space to try some more penis from various men and if that fails then I'll want to be with you. In the mean time keep your self busy with miscellaneous things that are of not important and if you choose to get some side action like I have been doing it will make me feel better about my self and what I am doing, and you'll lose all moral high ground to judge me as the ***** I am. I am a narcissist and what you feel is of no importance, I have to go as their is so much penis and so little time.
Toodles.

Dude, here is what you do. Spend every dime you have then divorce her broke, so she can have half of nothing. Call in that card Lost already that should have been done yesterday. Close all joint bank accounts, take at all CASH in everything. (Or travler checks) Cash, Stash in it some where safe, like a safe safe deposit box etc. Then drive to vegas, for a weekened get a room at the Travelodge or Sahara, Sleep all day watch some movies. Come back and tell her sorry i spent the cash in Vegas, on me as you asked it was the best therapy I am healthy now, but broke, file divorce with assets at broke and nothing. They can't award the skank what you dont have. Tell her and legal expert relatives where to go. Tell her you spent it ALL in the casinos gradually form table to table. A little slots, a little balckjack, here and there and before you know it it was gone. It happens to thousands of people every day. THen file, once all assets that can be proven are shown at zero. Then let your "Debbie does Dallas" wife try to get her family of lawyers to do their worst.

SocalSadness

04-24-2009, 06:31 PM

LOL! Thanks for the translation! :D:D:D

I actually just spoke w/MY NEW LANDSHARK.

It will be very difficult to prove my XSO has any interest in any property all of which is titled under my name, that she must prove by clear and convincing evidence that ownership of anything: Car, Business is property belonging to anyone other than shown in documents of incorporation etc AND if she were to bring such a frivolous lawsuit I would have legal recourse for any fees I incur after I PREVAIL to sue for malicious prosecution and libel thus recovering all fees from the first case.

Yabadabadoo!:p

But I won't write off the Vegas idea. You're coming right? All we'll need is two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine and a whole galaxy of multi colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of budweiser, a pint of raw ether, two dozen amyls and a tape recorder blasting "Sympathy For The Devil"!

sadpatricia

04-24-2009, 10:18 PM

socal:
Sounds like you're feeling a bit better now that you got some info from your new landshark. Glad to read your upbeat attitude.

sadpatricia

doesmybuttlookfatinthis

04-24-2009, 11:35 PM

SocalSadness

04-25-2009, 12:02 PM

Thought I'd finally get a good nite's sleep after speaking w/the shark but shot up at 3AM following familiar nightmares of reconciliation. I feel betrayed by my own subconcious.

It's been almost four months since the affair became real and she's been out of the house for over a week but I'm still wrestling with unresolved ****. Sure I can smile dress nice and flirt with women but the gaping hole in my chest is just beneith the new threads.

What is f-ing wrong with me?

I have the urge to run away from all this. Liquidate and go to Hawaii and carve tikis on Maui's north shore for tourists. I'd rather be poor and happy than spend another obsessing about things that are so obviously beyond my control. Anything would be better than living and working in a constant reminder of happier days and betrayal.

I see her @ work in Her new cloths that my credit cards bought, $75 bras that I've never seen, new cute shorts and skin tight tops and I feel tortured. It's maddening. The f-ing dangling carrot. She called my cell four times yesterday and I didn't answer once. I don't want to hear her voice or see her but can't stop thinking about her all the time.

I actually checked out match.com in the middle of the night like THAT"S what I need right now. No way, I really think I need to be isolated and process all these mixed up emotions.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH :mad:

StillinShock

04-25-2009, 02:00 PM

The waking up in the middle of night was horrible...it stops though...but it took me about six months. I would get on the internet...it was so hard to get up and go to work..

I remember thinking that on the outside I was going through all the right appearances but that I felt like someone had literally stabbed me. I hurt in the heart all the way to my back.

And I wanted to run away too...never did...but thought about it a lot. I guess I ran away to my room which wasn't all that healthy. Watched every video at Blockbuster.

Good for you not answering the phone. Be strong.

When I checked out match.com I started feeling ill at the thought that this is where I was now...thought I would be on my second honeymoon, enjoying grandkids and one day a 50th wedding anniversary.

But I can say that I felt like you the first few months---as so many on this site---and I can say that it will get better. It really will get better. I wish it wasn't as painful or that it took as long. This site really helped me...

Do something nice for yourself today. Seriously....this is what they mean by "take care of yourself". Ask yourself what you would do for a buddy if this was happening to him and then go and do it for yourself.

Let me know--of course, guys are different---but I'm always open for ideas on how to take care of oneself.

SIS

SocalSadness

04-25-2009, 03:55 PM

Mahalo SIS, your responses are always a great comfort.

I also felt totally sick browsing Match.com.

I'm only 43 but feel totally obsolete like some relic from the time of gentlemen. My folks were older and as an adopted orphaned infant felt raised rather ill equiped for contemporary realities my entire life. Girls on my beach like guys to treat them badly as long as they have good abs, killer tattoos or a plentiful stash of meth.

I openned a car door for a "girl" friend the other day after a burrito dinner and she said "God my boyfriend NEVER did that for me!", but those are the guys a 30 something girl goes for no matter how they're treated. One of my closest "Girl" friends, Polynesian & African, kept a live-in backward hat wearing baggie panted caucasian boyfriend who used to call her the N- word whenever he was angry at her! This is one of the sweetest women I know but since my seperation she's kept a cold distance like I have the koodies.

I'm sooo sad today I'm on the verge of tears as I type. I feel like the best years of my life were a lie, my thirties in the rearview mirror are like a series of wasted sunsets leading nowhere.

bchgrl2008

04-26-2009, 09:26 AM

Hey Socal-
SIS is right, the nightmares do happen a lot less when time wears on. Of course she came to you in her "best outfit". She wants to drive you crazy because she feels like she doesn't have you wrapped around her finger anymore. She wants the control back, and she is fighting you for the "alpha" position. I know it's hard, because it just feels like games. You have supported her for so long that she wants you to keep doing it and go play with her boy toys. Stay strong, and I know it's hard, but you CAN do it.

My husband was/is like you in regards to opening doors and being so polite that way. That was always part of his charm in other's eyes. He too is the kind of man that most women used to tell me that I was so lucky to have. I used to agree until he cheated. Now, it's so hard to say nice things about him to others. That was part of the mistake I made to the wh0re. I always said great things about my H and never aired our dirty laundry. No wonder she thought he was ssssoooooo amazing. Lie, lie, lie.

Socal, things will get better. You just need time to heal. Give it time and be patient. I don't react the same when the visions pop into my head. I don't get so angry, cry, or just get anxiety anymore. Time will heal you, and in time, you will just get stronger. Believe that. It's not a fast process, but it will happen.

SocalSadness

04-26-2009, 09:35 AM

Mahalo for the encouraging PM SIS,

I would have sent my reply there but seems you need to clear out your old mail before you can accept new messages.

Yesterday was tough.

My "little brother" is one of those genetic lottery winners who women actually stop and stare at slack jawed. Chiseled face w/ blonde hair past the middle of his back etc, like a mini Fabio. He's honorable too which stops him from taking advantage of all the possibilities. He works for me and and is one of my closest friends but I always feel invisable around him. Three of his female friends are visiting from the east coast and watching them cattily compete over him was heartbreaking while I have no one...

Perhaps my past wasn't really a waste but it seems a fraud now.

I had ample opportunities to leave this doomed relationship and "play the field " while still a young rookie. I look back to when we first openned the shop on the beach. I was the one with the long hair, dark and wavy, with whom women would flirt and behave outrageously, I guess the combination of sun, tequila and vacation can make some single woman go wild. I'd be called to the fitting room for my "opinion" often to find a topless customer waiting w/a grin, asked to "adjust" their bikini tops, If I liked their new nipple piercings or if I thought they should shave!!! Truely CRAZY stuff, but I was commited to the woman who would eventually betray me and never strayed for the eye candy so much so I stopped carrying bikinis. I didn't want the temptation of a flesh fling, I WANTED the commited loving relationship. One woman to share my trust, life and dreams. Now I view those uncomfortable situations of my youth as missed oportunities.

Lately, loosing weight and excersising has helped a great deal but on occassion I'm just too down to get going. I was able to jog yesterday but half my usual distance. The engine room just didn't have the steam. I am however closing in on my college weight, a little further and my body mass index will be average for the first time in ages. I've been thinking of dying my hair since I still insist I'm PRE-maturely grey! LOL! Salt & Pepper w/ an extra dash of salt. About half my female friends tell me not to that they like the look but for some reason I feel they are just being kind.

I'm a licenced tobacconist and had a big group of wedding guys in for cigars for the groomsmen. That is exactly where I'd imagined I'd be this year, having proposed in Hawaii I expected this was the year we'd return and be married by our friend on his boat. I wished the groom luck and tried to enjoy the feelings of hope radiating from the group.

When I'm not consulting w/attourneys or imagining my cheating XSO entertaining her new men, I spend most of my down time now escaping via movies of books. I'm reading a great one about Headhunting in the Solomon Islands! Scary movies are best since they remind me things could always be worse... haha

My Very best alohas - Socal

doesmybuttlookfatinthis

04-26-2009, 02:00 PM

You're being a little hard on yourself. Have you considered just shaving your head completely. You know what they say. The less hair you have the more head you get.

holikdad

04-26-2009, 08:10 PM

It sounds like it's time to put the bikini's back up on your shelves. :D

It's hard I know, but don't allow the 20+ crowd to skew your own personal view of your attractiveness and how women are attracted to you.

I've found that most young women these day's are idiotic, their ideals are in the toilet. When I was younger it was the smarter more financially stable men who could attract the more attractive women. Now from what I've seen all young women want is a guy with a prison record that looks like he spends most of his money in the tattoo/piercing parlor and also has a part-time job at McDonald's or some other go nowhere minimum wage job. It never ceases to amaze me when I see beautiful, smart, and attractive women with the male trash of our society.

Honestly though, these are the women you don't want to be associated with, unless you want a quickie, then you'd have to worry about catching something.

What I've learned over the years is that everyone is attractive to somebody, you just need to find yours. And honestly it may even be someone that you currently know that you put out of your mind early on because you were already spoken for. But when it hits you, you'll know it. :D

Be proud of your accomplishments, revel in the fact that others are out of work or without a home. Some women, the right women, will find that very attractive in you. Also don't give up, I know it's hard when your Ex is already actively playing the field, but remember most guys will sleep with anything, and she'll probably pay for it in the long run somehow.

SocalSadness

04-27-2009, 08:57 AM

BUTT- Funny as usual and a belly laugh is occasionally as healing as sound advice!

HOLIK- Strange thing is the older I get the more I stay the same.

I don't feel 43. My soul hasn't changed that much since I was in my twenties, the container has simply weathered. I'm surrounded by people half my age; my employees and a majority of my customers so I feel as if they are my peers. This is a delusion of course, I'm the safe old guy in the group. I get lots of hugs cause I'm perceived as harmless. It makes me a little sad and jealous but I'm in no emotional shape for real dating anyway. Bajamama remarked in a PM that she was proud of me for only mentioning my XSO twice in one post! LOL that's some progress huh?

I agree w/u about the next generations lowered standards. While not necessarily idiots, the generosity of beautiful women never fails to amaze me. I blame MTV. If girls aren't careful they will grow up thinking they are playthings and that mistreatment is better than no treatment.

I have a seedy acquaintance who told me why I would see him with a parade of different gorgeous girls. He said something like the following, I'm not kidding...

"All girls love bad boys so I wear white shirts that show off my tattoos and tan, I flirt hard and explicit and don't waste my time with girls who are put off. Those that respond are pliable and a well rehearsed rap will have them at my apartment within forty five minutes or less. At home I keep the shades drawn for mood No clocks, a bottle of vodka in the freezer, OJ and Jager in the fridge and a cigar box filled with party favors: marijuana, meth, coke, etc... I'm clean and sober so pretend to indulge while the girls can't get enough of that stuff. A box of toys under the bed insures experimentation. I'll keep 'em for a few days to a month and boot them out. Sometimes I'll have a few there at a time."

This is a southern California lifestyle, he's my age but that's not my style.

No quickies. I've got a good imagination so I really don't even need to leave the house. A little jazz, some incense and before I know it I've taken advantage of myself! lol.

Hey, If we end up having to split assets does that mean I get one of the G-cups? I was always partial to the right. It cost me four grand and I KNOW it helped her self esteem. :rolleyes:

SocalSadness

04-29-2009, 09:09 AM

I awakened yesterday to a call from the Fraud Department @ my bank regarding lots of charges on a credit card I was told by HER had been destroyed over a year ago. I may have mentioned the $2000 cash advance my XSO took w/o my knowledge to finance her new promiscuous lifestyle... but also apparently hundreds of $$$ at Target for creature comforts and Enterprise Auto where she would rent cars EVERY day she had off. A few hundred $$ every week. After I removed her as authorized user Enterprise tipped off my bank Tuesday morning as she tried to get a $300 rental.

Only Monday we came to an agreement that I would keep her on as a bookkeeper and clerk through the summer and even gave her a $400 cash advance for this week. Foolish me.

She did all bookkeeping for my business for a Decade. My trust was absolute. I hoped I would be able to get through our busiest season I'm a technophobe and was happy to not have to fill my head with all that. The perfect yin to my yang.

Yesterday when she arrived for work & my arranged bookeeping tutorial I asked her about the charges, and to give me all the credit cards she possessed for the business. I explained that being an authorized user on those cards was based on the trust founded in our relationship, which now no longer exists and that I could not allow myself or my business to financially subsidize her new lifestyle. She exploded and quit on the spot surrendering her key to the business and leaving after much yelling. I tried to calm her and even change her mind but she was in a rage. She threatened to call the cops if I didn't unlock the front door so she could exit.

Not the kind of morning I had hoped for nor expected. A sudden end to an agonizing process, one that you all have urged me toward form my very first post. I dragged my feet clinging to the memory of a love long unreciprocated and perhaps fears that if I'm not XSO's white knight, then what indeed is my own identity.

All that remains is to untangle some utility services that remain in her name. The end, it seems to this fifteen year chapter in my life. Her new life has already begun, and I am jealous.

So, I struggled all day with a computer which unexpectedly froze up, (talk about timing) was on the phone with India ALL DAY, had to open the tower and play with it's electric guts. UUUUUGH! I should have been wrestling with the books all day instead, I feel the clock ticking, but will meet with my accountant next Wednesday to employ his regular bookkeeping services. Till then, I must learn alone and on the fly. Trial by fire. So much is a puzzle. Her style was complex and confounding.

I'm intimidated and regret giving her so much control over such an important part of my life, but after the death of her child when she worked as a bookkeeper at his daycare, I wanted a seamless transition for her benefit. I asked many times over the years to learn from her but she had little patience for me. I believe now she saw this knowledge as power and job security although she had nothing to fear from her devoted SO.

I feel very lost today but strangely calm and resolved. I will jog and head to the shop to arm wrestle w/the computerized monster. I loath it now more than ever knowing it was the cyber door through which her commitment to me vanished.

Pray for me or wish me luck.

My very best alohas - SoCal

StillinShock

04-29-2009, 08:02 PM

It's hard..and it's not what you wanted...but you are free. And you'll probably be able to move on and get to a better place now that this tie is cut.

Those of us who are still lingering---well---it's probably a bit like taking off a bandaid--we think it will hurt less a little at a time where as, sometimes, one quick jerk and it's over.

Glad you're feeling okay though....
SIS

demon_slayerz

04-30-2009, 05:27 AM

SocalS....

Have you heard? the 40s are the new 30s..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are in the prime of your life :)

I believe that to be truly happy in your next relationship you need to work through all your issues that the last one has raised. I don't mean your issues as in it was your fault, but how you feel now as a result of what has happened. It is always easy for the one who cheated to jump straight into a new 'relationship' but the reality is that they never deal with their issues so they will keep making 'mistakes' for the rest of their lives.

Give yourself time to heal. it's been said so many times but the only definite in all the mess we are in is that time will heal our wounds. How much time it takes will depend largely on each individual person.

I cling on to the hope that i will find someone who will cherish me the way i would like to be. Sometimes the memory of what my X used to say to me (during the good times) overwhelms me and i cry for what i have lost:(, but i remind myself that i need to be strong, because there is no one else to do that for me.

Sometimes i wish that cheaters had a huge tattoo on their forhead to warn us of their evil :mad:

SocalSadness

04-30-2009, 06:30 AM

Mahalo my friends.

SIS - Your bandage analogy hit home. As for you, stay out of that dreary attic, stay balanced @ the gym and keep an eye open for double rainbows. ;)

DS - In Nathaniel Hawthorne's novel the scarlet A did quite nicely as a badge of shame. :rolleyes:

My very best alohas -SoCal

SocalSadness

05-04-2009, 08:02 PM

I recieved this e-mail less than an hour after my XSO split the store after barely helping me w/ the book and again thretening me with a marvin acion or some sort of lawsuit...

You ruined my life with your sickness. Your sickness took everything from me I cared about EVERYTHING! People. Places. Things. Security. Employment. Sense of Self. Sense of community. You name it...in every corner of my life, you squashed me like a bug. It was all just a big illusion anyway, thinking anything to do with us belonged to me. You have turned out to be a liar too, saying that store was half mine for a decade. I always had a little voice in my head telling me that you never meant that. I just refused to listen to that voice...my mistake! What you really meant was that for as long as I put up with you...things were half mine. What a farce we presented to the public, ay???

My reply...

"Are you kidding??? I loved you from day one. I loved you and urged you to move Noel to a day school where you could see each other throughout the day. I loved you and took care of you after Noel's death despite my own PTSD, through the enduring depression. I loved you and got you off welfare, moved you to an expensive city, an apartment on the beach and employed you in a familiar job at your crisis counselors insistence. I loved you and trusted you in my business, in my finances and in our personal relationship. I loved you and took your wrath when I insisted we include a smoke shop in my store a shop that would afford you a comfortable life with me. I loved you as you forbid me to be a musician in San Diego, giving up one of my greatest pleasures for your twisted sense of equity. I loved you and watched you screw up the books blowing thou$$$ands because you claimed you were "too drugged-out" and made mistakes. I loved you and passed up an opportunity to expand my business to buy you bigger breasts so you would feel better about yourself. I loved you as you lied and broke promise after promise to quit drugs, and give up your Internet sex partners (even after swearing me never to do such things), at least as far back as my fortieth birthday, now that party was quite a farse, ay?? I loved you as you destroyed my self confidence, telling me I was fat, stupid and ugly. I loved you while you withheld sex to punish me over and over as my depression deepened and feelings of self worth diminished. I loved you and my business paid for your treatment by a team of professionals who diagnosed you as having bi-polar disorder, something which you found distasteful and denied, deciding that you should indulge yourself with illegal drugs instead of continuing real therapeutic treatment. I loved you as year after year you spent any money we could have saved for our future on drugs. I loved you as your LPCC urged you to find a local therapist and you refused. I loved you and cared for you during your prolonged peri-menopausal illness and hysterectomy. I loved you all the while being the convenient target of verbal, mental and physical abuse for years. I loved you as you pretended to enjoy the things I enjoyed and then damned me for taking you to Hawaii. I loved you when I finally could not take my own sadness anymore and sought treatment for myself and you totally abandoned me and the job you claim to love for sex with strangers. I loved you as you sabotaged my overdue cognitive treatment turning it into an obsessive drama about Rita's infidelity instead of my chance at last to heal. I loved you as you bragged about your lovers money, good looks, anatomy and superior sexual prowess. I loved you as I finally emerged from the cloud of trauma, depression and anxiety I'd not suffered if not for you, seeing the world with new eyes, ready and willing to forgive and enjoy our remaining years together in mutual cherished harmony, but you preferred the beds of multiple strangers and breaking my heart. I loved you as you blamed me for my employees and friends shock and anger at your promiscuous betrayals. I loved you, and my entire life for the past fifteen years has been focused on struggling to please you, your whims and indulgences, ignoring your never ending drug abuse, mean streak and mental instability. I love you today. The only sickness I currently feel is lovesickness... but I'm searching for a cure."

Doofus McDoofus

05-04-2009, 09:57 PM

I think the only thing you left out were her directions to the curb!

Im sorry that she has turned your world inside out. I just read this thread again...all I can say is WOW. Get that cure as soon as you can

StillinShock

05-04-2009, 10:23 PM

I'm sorry Social....play your music again...it's good for the soul...
SIS

holikdad

05-05-2009, 06:29 AM

That was really good, I loved it. I hope she read and absorbed every word.

doesmybuttlookfatinthis

05-05-2009, 06:33 AM

Socal, it is so time to cut this skank off. And that's what she is. I know you love her, but there is no other way to describe her. You have to get her out of your life. Hire a manager for the store and have them fire her, if you can't do it. You need to move on. Look, there is some wonderful (non skanky) lady out there waiting for you. You can't even think about finding her, till Gloria Swanson from sunset blvd. is gone. I hope you consider this.

demoralized

05-05-2009, 07:39 AM

SoCal, your cure is in your music. Play it, hear it, feel it. She's not gonna tell you you can't anymore.

Best of luck, and take care,
Demo

spyder01

05-05-2009, 10:16 PM

Good God. I want to come with encouraging words of advice and faith and hope... but GOOD GOD!!

The one thing that she has done for you is to rip off those rose colored glasses, broken them into a hudred pieces, and burned them in front of you. You don't love her, you love the illusion of what you thought she was. You took the blue pill, and now the matrix has shown itself.

She obviously doesn't care about you. YOU have to care about you. To paraphrase Clint Eastwood from Heartbreak Ridge, "Don't give the ***** the satisfaction.

You and I are going through the same/different crap. Make you a deal. You stay strong, and so will I.

spyder

MuffinMan

05-06-2009, 10:07 AM

I recieved this e-mail less than an hour after my XSO split the store after barely helping me w/ the book and again thretening me with a marvin acion or some sort of lawsuit..."

SAVE THAT EMAIL FOR YOUR LAWYER.

She is a delusional entitlement c#nt isn't she?

She cheats, then expects you to be all flowers and candy about things you might have said long ago??

Sure, I loved my wife when married. And everything I said...I MEANT.

But once she was found out to be a cheating b!tch.....all the things said during marriage from me became null and void.
Ya, your "store" was half hers .....when she WASN'T a cheater as far as you knew. Cheating negates any feelings of "sharing". What a dumb ho.

SocalSadness

05-07-2009, 09:12 PM

Mahalo everyone for the support. Thanks for all the PM's too.

I had my accountant come in yesterday to help undo all the sketchy methods my XSO used. It's gonna cost me some bread to fix everything but It'll be worth it knowing she's totally obsolete.

Rode my bike up the beach to my friend's house on Tuesday, a couple we were friends with and the only people who haven't totally disowned her since all this. In fact they've been sort of enabling her by giving her a TV, running errands for her and selling her a Jeep for $500 bucks. I don't really care about her anymore so I don't really care who she's friends with. Theyre good people trying to deal with this f-ed up situation the best they can. They also told me her relationship with the rich Jaguar driving a-hole she was seeing while I was in the hospital is already falling apart and she's cheating on HIM with some poor sucker who I believe is an unemployed liberal talk radio host she's been stalking online for a year or more. That's doomed too.

I'm feeling pretty solid right now. I've got loads of female friends who are just friends and thats all I need. I've always loved women and prefered their company. Dinner, a movie or some sincere conversation with a girl who knows how to laugh is my idea of a good time at the moment. Sure I get lonely but I've never been one to jump into the sack with anyone and have never undertood how people can live like that. I remember all my XSO's stories of how she'd hook up with people before we met... running into a total stranger with meth in a nightclub in Texas and being in the mens room snorting lines off his johnson ten minutes later. Just crazy stuff. I guess i should have seen all that stuff as red flags but love can make a guy overlook just about anything.

I hope you all are well and not dwelling on the past, which will only bring you heartache. I'll keep you up to date on my progress. I'll be seeing Dr Gloria Harris again next week to learn how best to move forward without being crippled by betrayal. I promise to share her insights.

My very best alohas -So Cal

http://tikiroom.com/img/4129x48c1c503.jpg

Doofus McDoofus

05-07-2009, 11:53 PM

Well as hard as it has been for your situation, it seems that you are beginning to feel somewhat better. And as much as I am sure that your pain is still constant, at least the info that your friends gave you lets you see another reason that you need to move on.

Best of Luck, and please keep us posted.

tomasingm

05-08-2009, 09:20 AM

I remember all my XSO's stories of how she'd hook up with people before we met... running into a total stranger with meth in a nightclub in Texas and being in the mens room snorting lines off his johnson ten minutes later. Just crazy stuff. I guess i should have seen all that stuff as red flags

http://tikiroom.com/img/4129x48c1c503.jpg

Holy crap, can you say super-skank?? Be glad you are done with her my friend. Also get your self to the Physician and request to be tested for EVERYTHING. The reason why I say this is that she dosen't sound like the most cleanest lady, not say she isn't Polly purity or anything like that just that the excessive milage tends to come with complications if you catch my drift.
I am glad to see you are doing great man........

bchgrl2008

05-09-2009, 10:04 AM

Wow. She's a dragon. I certainly see why we are all here. We loved our partners so much and their selfishness and narcissistic behavior is so overwhelming that it is so hard to not be broken. We have all been pushed down and we keep getting back up. Unfortunately, it seems that there are many times that we get kicked when we are down. Socal-your XSO makes me want to vomit. I cannot believe that she can look herself in the mirror and not think that she has done anything wrong.

Remember, you love who you thought she was once, and I really believe that your love for Noel has been perceived as your love for her. Channel that love to him, even though you can't physically share it anymore. Don't lose sight of him, and play your music again. Be who you want to be, not this man that she has spit out. She's gross. In no way does she deserve to even look at you. She's the one who's ugly. Cheaters are ugly. Their hearts are mush, and one day they meet the maker and they pay. You can piss on her from heaven. It sure is hot where she's going...

doesmybuttlookfatinthis

05-24-2009, 04:10 PM

How are you doing Socal? give us an update.

SocalSadness

06-04-2009, 01:01 PM

Aloha all!

I can't seem to bring myself to read all these sad stories any longer and have avoided checking in. The avalanche of cheaters seems to keep barreling down the mountain. My God, I'm so sorry for what has happened to the ethics and general foundation of decency in the lives of all Americans. No I'm not in the GOP! There simply seems to be an epidemic of disregard for honor and the feelings of others. It breaks my heart.

I have been trying to live a life of honesty and health, avoid ruminating about the past and my XSO's new life as an prostitute; a plaything for powerful men with money enough to support her lifestyle.

I now see a future that is mine alone as a fresh start. I am working on more art and involved in the foundation of several music projects. Yes I am lonely and yes I miss having an intimate playmate or someone to tell my secrets to. I will no longer compromise my self in order to meet someone else's comfort level. I wear my heart on my sleeve and let people know what I'm all about from the beginning. I have been dating a handful of incredibly sweet women from twentyone to fourtythree but keeping things cerebral, sweet and not torrid. The word has spread on the east coast too with female friends from high school and college already buying airline tickets to spend a no expectations week on the lagoon with me. Perhaps I'm not entirely the hideous Ogre my XSO convinced me I was.

I'm savoring un acted upon sexual tensions. If there's one thing that will keep you out of bed with a new partner it's having your last leave you for sex with strangers barking your inadequacies from the doorstep.. The blow to my ego is still a very fresh wound. I have however been amazed by their kindnesses and compliments. If not for the salt and pepper I've been told I would easily pass for fifteen or more years younger. I still see old in the mirror so this is a pleasant surprise!

I have my bad days when I don't want to exercise or even get out of bed, but texts and e-mails from my new female admirers are a great motivation. I am learning to value myself and slow work to undo the terrible damage of years of physical and emotional abuse will be a long process that I do not expect to emerge from unscarred.

My very best Alohas to my dear ohana of fellow survivors. - SocalGladness

bchgrl2008

06-04-2009, 05:11 PM

I so hear you on that SoCal. I disappear for a while sometimes to just clear my head. When I don't log on, I forget the pain for a while. When I log on, I just get more pissed about how stupid people can be (cheaters).

I am so glad you are feeling good about the female admirers!!! that's great!! keep it up!!

StillinShock

06-04-2009, 10:25 PM

okay Social Sadness...you just have to stick around and help the rest of us get through this. I know, I too just get sick sometimes at the heartache that so many of us are going through--especially when the newbies log on.

But as you know, helping others is quite therapeutic for a person and you have so much to offer all of us! Please try to hang in there and at least occasionally drop in. We need you!!

And by the way, if you continue to describe all those female admirers that are coming your way and how young you are looking these days--some of us may just jump on that plane and come visit for a cerebral visit as wel!!;)

But seriously, I am so glad that you are sounding good and that the skys are brighter your way.

Today was a momentous day for me. I called the attorney to set up an appointment to file. Sigh....I feel okay. A bit numb. This was a huge step for me. But I think I can go through with this with a little help from my friends.
I know it is the best thing for me...

As my therapist put it--it has been a bit like I had this food in the frig that I really didn't want to throw out...couldn't really have it right now...and now it's pretty well spoiled. Time to throw it out before it starts to stink.
Wow...what an analogy...

SIS

SocalSadness

06-05-2009, 07:18 PM

Thank you sweet ladies of CC for your invaluable support.

You helped me to realize that the image created of me by my XSO was one designed to keep me in doubt and pain. I feel like I'd been brainwashed am sticking my toe in the dating pool and it's kind scary. You gals have raised my standards pretty high. :)

Ola Bajamomma! Gracias for the gentle boot to the head to remind me not to forget all my pals here. I'm sorry we couldn't get that peer group going but maybe we should just re calculate how many people are needed to make up a group! There are scones just north of the border.

SIS you better get that plane ticket before its an international flight. Aren't you Texans forming your own country? I'll have to wink from over the barricades! ;) Cowgirls are tough and you are a strong and lovely soul. I have no doubt you will pull up those boots and kick life in the butt!

Bchgrl- like the scarecrow from the wizard of OZ, "I think I've missed you most of all." It's so hard to come back and see my friends suffering. You have been a rock for so many people but don't forget to be tender for yourself.

I'm always just a PM or email away. Dig my profile.

Gentlemen of CC, I finally agree. Listen carefully... My XSO is a manipulative cruel **** dog ***** beast from hell. Happy now?

Take care of yourselves all. Get out of that f-ing house and go for a walk or bike ride. No matter how much time you feel you've lost there's so much to embrace. Unless you're Hindu you've only one life to live and precious little time to waste on some old cheater.

My VERY VERY best alohas to all of you, my friends. - SocalGladness

PS Breath IN...... and OUT....

bchgrl2008

06-08-2009, 07:58 PM

My boy SoCal just made me tear up!!! Damn you!!! :) This is the 2 year anniversary of when this nightmare started for me. Just hard to know what was happening behind my back 2 years ago. I know I need to put it out of my head, but it's so damn hard. Thanks to all of you for the support. I have been having really bad dreams lately, but I am trying to sleep. I did go for a bike ride this weekend, and I have taken SIS's lead to lose weight and get back on track. I have set weekly goals for myself, and I am proud to say that I have accomplished my goals for last week. Thanks to SoCal and SIS especially. You guys are the best!!

SocalSadness

08-09-2009, 09:17 PM

Old Shoes

08-10-2009, 05:52 AM

Fast forward one month. Have sunk into terrible depression. Business being destroyed by city interloping. Desperately lonesome. Don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Was hanging out with a nice girl who's company I really became addicted to and I think my baggage scared her away. No replys to texts etc. Can't believe I'm in this f*cking hole again. Told my doctor I'm in a lasp and he gave me a list of positive things to repeat to myself, about myself. Stuart Smally stuff. I really hate my life right now. The two people I trusted in my life have betrayed me and I feel like a cork on the ocean. Big events this coming weekend and I've run out of steam. Can't shoulder this level of failure and loss much longer.

I honestly am not being mean, but... you're letting her win. Why are you letting that happen?

Get up.

Take a shower.

Ride your bike.

Go outside.

Talk to people about anything but the what happened.

Go see a movie (a funny one!).

Whatever you do, don't get lost in this and don't let what happened take anymore away.

Life is waiting. :)

StillinShock

08-10-2009, 06:21 AM

Okay Social Sadness, first off I just have to say how glad I am to hear from you again because I have really missed you! Seriously...I have to tell you that when I would read your posts a few months ago I would just smile and think "there's some guy out there in California on the beach with salt and pepper hair that is a decent man in spite of all these cheaters I am hearing about!! And in my mind I would always think, hey, I could fly over there and join that support group he is talking about!!;)

Now, you'll just have to pick yourself up before some Texas lady cowgirl has an excuse to come knocking on your door! You are particularly at risk because I filed for divorce last month and you know what happens to women who are finally set free!!:D

OK, hopefully I put a smile on your face...I'm feeling upbeat because my STBX moved most of his stuff out of the house but not before making enough comments to knock the silly sadness away that I had been feeling the day before. I'm missing the old days but seeing more clearly that they are gone and it is ok.

I think you could benefit from an antidepressant and/or increase in dosage. Along with some exercise...start with just a walk along that great sounding beach of yours..sigh it is 102 here. And come back and post and then let us know if any of us need to come to your beautiful state to cheer you up!!;)
SIS

bchgrl2008

08-12-2009, 09:46 AM

Socal-
I know we go through these times....where it all hits just a bit worse on some days than others. I hear your confidence waining. I don't want to hear that anymore!!! You are an AMAZING man....one that a kind woman would latch onto for the rest of their lives. I know you know all of this....you just have to start believing it.

SocalSadness

08-13-2009, 10:29 AM

Doofus McDoofus

08-13-2009, 12:31 PM

Thank you for the great support and very kind words. I've been burning the candle at both ends lately and due to openning my new art gallery and being short staffed i haven't been taking proper care of myself. Working till 2 am some days and catching a few zzzzzs before haviing to meet a sign guy or electrician at six. I know twenty somethings do that sort of thing all the time but i'm quite out of practice. I've had to cancel several sessions with my therapist due to un avoidable schedule conflicts. To top off my already shaky footing my XSO came raging into my business yesterday stammering and yelling and rifling frantically through some plastic bag for something important to give me. It was a horrible unexpected moment that I was unprepared for. She gnashed and spit and left only to return moments later to again blame me for her family breaking off contact with her and her sullied reputation. I told her we were no longer a couple and didn't need to behave like this anymore, that I wished her well. She screamed in the street that she did not believe me. Believe it or not I missed that angry face and it was good seeing her again after several months. Crazy huh? That thought just kept rolling around in my head all day along with flashes of all the things we'd gone through together to get to this unhappy place.

Socal,

I know it seems right now that the world is turning you on your ear. I was rereading this thread and I know that you seemed to be really moving forward just two short months ago. But you know as well that you really have to make that time to get to those sessions. Business may be hectic right now, but what good are you to your own business if you aren't taking care of yourself first.
So by all means you gotta look out for Numero Uno.

Seems almost like a bad movie that you XSO would some storming back like that. She must have really hit the skids with her family and friends over this. And still in denial as well. So nothing will change with her anytime soon. You may have missed that angry face and seeing her in that condition may have also triggered some conflicting feelings. But you know as well as I do that those feelings were more likely pity towards her. For she still hasn't figured out just what she has wrought.

You remember that pic of the Spam you posted? Think of that every time her name is on the tip of your tongues or you think about her. Remember that she Spammed and hacked your life and happiness account and squeezed you for all she could. She is nothing more than Spam that leaves a foul taste in your mouth. She is way past her shelf life, but she has not hit rock bottom, yet.