New to the site, need your thoughts.

[noideawhy]

Hi,

I am new to this site and this is my first post. I have been married for 22 years with three children. I have suspected my wife of cheating 4 different times, all 10 years ago or later. I have never come to terms of accepting it. This fall it came to a head. I had to clear my mind. I confronted her again this time with the ultimatum if she did not come clean the marriage was over. She denied everything.

I came back with if you don’t tell me now the marriage is done, and I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow. She then in tears told me she had an emotional affair 12 years ago with our son’s hockey coach. My sons were 8 and 10 years old. She kept saying it was only emotional with no physical contact. I told her that if she wanted to stay married we needed to take a polygraph test. She got to list questions to ask and I had my list. She was extremely nervous for a week until we had the test done. I told myself that if any affair happened 10 years or older I would forgive her. She failed on 4 of the questions; all were about my previous suspensions.

I told her we needed to seek consoling now. Are marriage was pretty rocky for the first 10 years; I worked a lot to provide for my family. The marriage was not good but I did not want to leave because of the effects it would have on my children. Well my youngest will be in college this fall, no more child binding. Now my wife is scarred I will leave her. I have lost a lot of weight and have gotten in good shape for being 46 years old. Now she has become extremely jealous of me.

The counseling is going ok but I have my doubts. She has openly admitted to the past. This is how I am looking at my marriage. If I am lucky I might live another 20 years give or take 2. I don’t want to spend the last years of my life with someone who does not love me. I would never do what she has done regardless of any circumstances. I am having a rough time lately letting the past go. I keep thinking about the men she was with during our marriage and it is eating at my sole. I love my wife very much, now more than ever but I think it will only be a matter of time until it happens again. I do not trust her now, and probably never will. So my question is has anyone’s marriage survived after conditions like these, and can you get over the pain of unfaithfulness?

I appreciate your thoughts and comments.

[demoralized]

My thoughts,

1) You do NOT love your wife now more than ever. If you loved her, you loved her, and if you stayed faithful, that is how you demonstrated your love for her. When you as a spouse, contributed to the best of your ability to the marriage, relationship and ultimately, partnership, you sent a clear message that you wished to be with none other than her. If she took it all for granted, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! It is her own, and she is the one that doesn't understand the covenant.

2)Very few marriages survive this horrible betrayal. I am deeply sunk in the quagmire as we speak. I have realized that, at current, I am staying for the benefit of my son. Were it not for his age, and the needs he requires at present to finish his adolescent development, thus ensuring he can find a fruitful, and happy future for himself, I would be GONE. This is undoubtedly a sort of self imposed torture I have selected for myself, nonetheless, I remain.

3) Counseling will only help those whom understand that, a counselor, can only help those who SEEK their guidance, and are willing to truly open the vault, and be dissected, with the hope that such dissection will be understood and acted upon in a manner beneficial to themselves.

3B) A counselor is nothing more than a consultant, and if you hired a "business consultant" and gave them only partial information as to the ins, and outs of your business, what expectations would you demand from them, all the while knowing that they did not have ALL of the information they needed to make the best recommendations for your business? ie....Show them 50% of the actual business operations, and expect a 100% improvement? Unrealistic and self dooming.

4)You say you have 20 years, give or take, left to live. Let's, for the sake of the argument at hand, say that is true. 20 years, my friend, is a long time indeed. Think about how long the last 20 years felt. Now imagine the next 20, happy, fulfilled, and independent of someone unworthy of your companionship. More important, the next 20 years, spent with someone, who truly values your companionship.

What better way to go out with a BANG than that?

[tomasingm]

Hi,

I am new to this site and this is my first post. I have been married for 22 years with three children. I have suspected my wife of cheating 4 different times, all 10 years ago or later. I have never come to terms of accepting it. This fall it came to a head. I had to clear my mind. I confronted her again this time with the ultimatum if she did not come clean the marriage was over. She denied everything.

I came back with if you don’t tell me now the marriage is done, and I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow. She then in tears told me she had an emotional affair 12 years ago with our son’s hockey coach. My sons were 8 and 10 years old. She kept saying it was only emotional with no physical contact. I told her that if she wanted to stay married we needed to take a polygraph test. She got to list questions to ask and I had my list. She was extremely nervous for a week until we had the test done. I told myself that if any affair happened 10 years or older I would forgive her. She failed on 4 of the questions; all were about my previous suspensions.

I told her we needed to seek consoling now. Are marriage was pretty rocky for the first 10 years; I worked a lot to provide for my family. The marriage was not good but I did not want to leave because of the effects it would have on my children. Well my youngest will be in college this fall, no more child binding. Now my wife is scarred I will leave her. I have lost a lot of weight and have gotten in good shape for being 46 years old. Now she has become extremely jealous of me.

The counseling is going ok but I have my doubts. She has openly admitted to the past. This is how I am looking at my marriage. If I am lucky I might live another 20 years give or take 2. I don’t want to spend the last years of my life with someone who does not love me. I would never do what she has done regardless of any circumstances. I am having a rough time lately letting the past go. I keep thinking about the men she was with during our marriage and it is eating at my sole. I love my wife very much, now more than ever but I think it will only be a matter of time until it happens again. I do not trust her now, and probably never will. So my question is has anyone’s marriage survived after conditions like these, and can you get over the pain of unfaithfulness?

I appreciate your thoughts and comments.

My thoughts are my friend that you are a collected and realistic individual you hung on as long as you did, and I can respect that. Your wife on the other hand, took that for granted and knew you wouldn't leave now that her bargaining chips (ie: Kids) are taking out of the equation she has no leverage in any way whatsoever. You are about to be liberated. But, be sure that your mind (while realistic intelligent and logical as it is) is intuned with your emotions and heart. There are many many many times that many men know have their mind in the right place but their emotions off the chart and that is when things get difficult. Focus on your grown-up kids and also now that they are grown-ups let them know the truth. Because the first thing that will happen is mommy is gonna say that daddy left her. Be sure to fill in the whys? Without sugar coating.

[doesmybuttlookfatinthis]

Fact. She is an over the hill serial cheater. You look distinguished. She just looks old. Dump the cheating skank. And get the newer model. One that won't cheat on you. Your kids are going. Now is the time to move on.

[StillinShock]

Well noideawhy....it has been a year and a half since I found out that my "wonderful" husband had been cheating on me for the past 12 years and I was clueless the whole time--we've been married for 30 years. Of course "it didn't mean a thing" and he doesn't want a divorce. Sigh...

I know I will never get over it--and I too, think about the fact that I have about 20 good years left and, who knows, i could feel great until I'm 80! So let's make that 30! It is sad, though, that the kids are raised, the careers established, the house paid for, etc, etc....we should be enjoying each other and the "fruits of our labor" so to speak and he goes and screws it all up.

The thing that scares me the most is the exposure to disease--I hope that you have had your tests now that she has admitted to physical contact. It sounds like you did a great job with the polygraph test. That usually works really well with the cheater. I'm surprised though that she even tried lying about it on the test--amazing....

Wish I has some words of wisdom but I'm asking the same question these days....

[cats8398]

She should be the ideal wife now. Is she? She should be doing everything to make you happy after betraying you.... is she? Has she ever?

I was cheated on my by ex and gave him 3 chances after that only for him to betray me. Now, one chance and you're out. That is my experience with a cheater. Some will say that it was only a one time thing and their marriages went on successfully. You have to ask yourself if you can ever trust her and get past the betrayal. Can you live like this .... with the doubts? Will you always be wondering if shes cheating again? For me - I won't live that life ever again. I would rather cast off the cheater and find a person that I can trust and not live a life wondering whether a man I loved was out with another woman.

For me - Never a second chance - but that's me. You have to decide if you want to live your life in doubt and if you can ever truly get past this. Personally, I'd never be able to look at the person that cheated on me the same again. LIfe is just to short to live it wondering if I'm being cheated on.

[noideawhy]

Thank you for the replies and thoughts.

[MuffinMan]

She kept saying it was only emotional with no physical contact. I told her that if she wanted to stay married we needed to take a polygraph test. She got to list questions to ask and I had my list. She was extremely nervous for a week until we had the test done. I told myself that if any affair happened 10 years or older I would forgive her. She failed on 4 of the questions; all were about my previous suspensions.

What were the 4 questions she failed? And I bet there was physical contact. When confronted, if a cheater made denials previously, then when the do "sort of" come clean, they only tell half truths.



Well my youngest will be in college this fall, no more child binding.

F#ckin' A right on that one. Although children are never the reason for someone to have to stay and put up with a cheater.



Now my wife is scarred I will leave her.


As she should be. I hope she has a nervous breakdown.



I have lost a lot of weight and have gotten in good shape for being 46 years old. Now she has become extremely jealous of me.


Yup, thats what happens. She cheats...you start to look good, now she is thinking that there is a better woman out there for you....and there is!!

I hope she is eating her heart out knowing good women out there would love to have a man in great shape. She is also thinking that you might be considering a little payback. I advise against it, but the thought that she might be thinking that is all too delicious.


The counseling is going ok but I have my doubts. She has openly admitted to the past. This is how I am looking at my marriage. If I am lucky I might live another 20 years give or take 2. I don’t want to spend the last years of my life with someone who does not love me. I would never do what she has done regardless of any circumstances. I am having a rough time lately letting the past go. I keep thinking about the men she was with during our marriage and it is eating at my sole. I love my wife very much, now more than ever but I think it will only be a matter of time until it happens again. I do not trust her now, and probably never will.

Nope, you won't and CAN'T trust her. Best to put her out to pasture.

you are still young with life left to live. LIVE IT!!! I can't stress this enough. Life with a cheater is no life at all.

You mentioned that she said she only had an EA with a hockey coach. then you said you can't bear the thought of her with all these other "men". So there was more than one. And if you think that she simply has only had EA's with more than one man....think again. She spread her legs for them. I can guarantee you that.



So my question is has anyone’s marriage survived after conditions like these, and can you get over the pain of unfaithfulness?


Oh there are stories out there about a marriage "surviving" infidelity. But I don't call getting over infidelity and having to spend the rest of your life with a cheater as "surviving". I call it settling and being content with the status quo.

[Adam Bomb 1701]

I don’t want to spend the last years of my life with someone who does not love me...I love my wife very much, now more than ever but I think it will only be a matter of time until it happens again. I do not trust her now, and probably never will. So my question is has anyone’s marriage survived after conditions like these, and can you get over the pain of unfaithfulness?
I appreciate your thoughts and comments.
My marriage didn't, as anyone who read my posts on this board knows. I'm grateful it didn't, as she never really loved me. I was just her fall guy and whipping post. That's someone else's job now, and my ex is not my problem anymore.
How can you love someone you don't trust? As you seem so sure it will happen again, the answer is obvious. Get rid of her. NOW!

[Flynn]

Just curious....after she failed the 4 questions and you stated she came clean...what did she admit to?? She already said she had a emotional affair with the coach or your kids. What did she fail? I mean your kids were born around that time.....how about a paternity test?

[fitzge]

When you finally figure out that she was so convincing when she lied, that she could look you straight in the eyes and lie, that you and your children meant the square root of zero, you will know what to do.

A number of us have gone through the multiple cheater scenario. It does not get better the second or third time around.

She has no honor nor self respect. Protect your assets, don't trust her, find yourself and press. No booze or women until you are squared away. Leaping back into that life only makes it worse.

You'll wake up in due time and wonder why the h*ll you put up with the b*ll****. And, then you'll be okay.

[noideawhy]

Thanks again for all you thoughts and comments.

After reading your comments I have started to look at my marriage differently, and that is I have no marriage. Our marriage ended with her first affair. The four questions she failed were adultery questions with specific names and times. Over the first twelve years of our marriage I had suspected you’re of cheating four times with different men. After our first child was born, before our last son was born with one of my best friends, with a Toledo police officer that worked with my wife at the Lions store as security, and my sons hockey coach.

Every time I confronted her I had no evidence just suspicions. She always blew up and said I was crazy. When she failed the test she was crying like a baby. It didn’t work on me, all I kept thinking about was how could you have done this to me. I started to look at what I did not give her, I focused on it maybe was my fault. I dont have those feeling anymore. I was a committed husband that worked hard for his family. If she had any issue with that she should have talked to me not spread her legs for some stranger's attention. My wife has very low self esteem and I don’t know if this is part of the reason or not.

Our marriage started to get better about seven years ago. I was at the upper end at work, two of the kids were in High school, and my wife’s job was going well. I decided to build her her dream home. Things even got better when we moved. I bought her a new car for Christmas. She was a different person. Now this was done before any testing was done. Within the last six months I started to have suspicions again, I ran her cell phone records and found calls coming in on her drive to work, on her lunch hour, and at the end of the days drive home.

That’s when I lost it, the number was mark private. I confronted her about the present and the past and had the polygraph done.

I told her last night that I could never trust her again. She was bawling and kept asking why. I could not believe the comment she made.

I need to know if anyone knows of a good divorce attorney in South Eastern Michigan. I don’t want to get stroked to bad. I know in Michigan it is a fifty split. I was told to put a key logger software on her work computer. Has any one ever used these software types before with success? The lie detector can not be used; I need proof of her cheating for the courts. I aready know the truth.

Please let me know if you have any thoughts on how I should proceed.
Thanks again for all of your help!

[doesmybuttlookfatinthis]

See if you can draw up an agreement between you using a mediator. Whats there to prove. She was a skank. You don't need to prove it in court. Unless there is some benefit to the financial outcome. Just dump her and move on. The mediator will be nothing compared to a contested divorce.

[MuffinMan]

Nuff said.


Cancel the b!tch