Help! I need somebody! Help!

[demoralized]

Oh man, I can't even believe I am gonna put this out there but, I have no one to talk to about this without fear.

This will open me to some criticism, but I am a big boy and can handle so let me have it, all thoughts and advice are welcome.

I met someone, A young woman that is very interested in me. She is beautiful, kind, and extremely intelligent. She has a wonderful sense of humor. She has endured some tough times of her own, and is very strong, and has come out better for it. She recently moved to my town from about 50 miles away. She is starting her life over so to speak after a bad relationship. She came right out and told me at the culmination of our first conversation that she would really like to get to know me better. She said she can see that I am a wonderful man, that deserves to be treated better than I have been in the past. ????? I didn't breathe a word of my situation to her, is it printed on my forehead? Is it really that obvious? Is she just another player, that can recognize weakness and manipulate it? IS she sincere?

Which way now?

This is all totally by accident. Our second encounter, she gave me a hug, it felt awesome!!! Man am I vulnerable right now or what? I haven't been back to where we met in a week, but she told me she lives down the street from me. I AM SCARED TO DEATH!

I know it isn't right, but I deserve to feel good about myself too. My wife "agreed to see other people" she just didn't bother telling me about her decision. Don't I deserve to get mine too? But then, what if this girl is vulnerable? What is on her side of things? Would I be taking advantage of her? Am I just looking for revenge, no matter what the cost, or who gets hurt?


Unfrikkinbelievable, why now?

[Skirtchaser]

Your playing with fire, I can't believe that you came here to ask this question. You are still with your wife. You should have left her when you knew she was cheating. If you want to date other women, you need to separate from your wife and start your divorce. You can date then with a clear conscience.

Does this new woman know your still with your wife? If she does and considers hooking up with you anyway, she is no different a woman than your wife.

[law]

Skirt said it all! But I read the quote at the end of your message and it says "infidelity is the rape of a soul." If you believe that why would you even consider hooking up with this other women? That is just wrong. Go clean your own house before you mess someone elses. And if this ow knows you are married and she is coming on to you then she is not better then your cheating wife or you if you go through with this. Don't do something you will regret. The price is too high to pay.

[demoralized]

You're right Skirt, and I know you are. Like I said I can't believe what I am feeling either. I realize that I am emotionally vulnerable. I don't WANT to be with anyone else.

What I WANT is a monogamous relationship with my wife.

Like my Grandfather used to say...."want in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one fills up faster."

[Slim]

Yeah, skirt is right---- You need to do things right, listen to the big man. Dont put yourself on her level, It may make a bad situation worse.

[MuffinMan]

Oh man, I can't even believe I am gonna put this out there but, I have no one to talk to about this without fear.

This will open me to some criticism, but I am a big boy and can handle so let me have it, all thoughts and advice are welcome.

I met someone, A young woman that is very interested in me. She is beautiful, kind, and extremely intelligent. She has a wonderful sense of humor. She has endured some tough times of her own, and is very strong, and has come out better for it. She recently moved to my town from about 50 miles away. She is starting her life over so to speak after a bad relationship. She came right out and told me at the culmination of our first conversation that she would really like to get to know me better. She said she can see that I am a wonderful man, that deserves to be treated better than I have been in the past. ????? I didn't breathe a word of my situation to her, is it printed on my forehead? Is it really that obvious? Is she just another player, that can recognize weakness and manipulate it? IS she sincere?

Which way now?


Nobody can blame you for feeling the way you do especially after finding out you have a cheating wife.

But how you act upon it will pretty much define you.

If you think you'd like a relationship with a wonderful woman, then I beg of you, don't lower yourself to your so-called wife's level and cheat. Divorce first.

If you don't want to leave your marriage, then be flattered all you want by this other woman, but don't "get to know" her as she might want to do with you. its ok for her to be an acquaintence.

You said she doesn't know your story, but then you said she thinks you deserve to be treated better. Am i missing something my man? You can tell us.

but if she knows you are married and still wants to get to know you in a certain way, that should throw up a red flag to you. Even if it were with me, which would never happen, I wouldn't want to be with anyone who would willingly be an "other woman". To me "other women" and "other men" would easily cheat if given the opportunity.


This is all totally by accident. Our second encounter, she gave me a hug, it felt awesome!!! Man am I vulnerable right now or what? I haven't been back to where we met in a week, but she told me she lives down the street from me. I AM SCARED TO DEATH!


Yes, you are vulnerable. but like I said, if you succumb to her advances, then you will become no better than your wife.

Be strong my man. You are better than that. And yes, I know it must feel good. You deserve to have that good feeling. have you ever considered divorcing your wife?



I know it isn't right, but I deserve to feel good about myself too. My wife "agreed to see other people" she just didn't bother telling me about her decision. Don't I deserve to get mine too?

only if you have an open relationship. And if you get "yours" too, then you would forfiet any right to complain about her unfaithfullness.



But then, what if this girl is vulnerable? What is on her side of things? Would I be taking advantage of her? Am I just looking for revenge, no matter what the cost, or who gets hurt?

You want revenge? Best revenge is to divorce your wife, live well, and be happy. I know that may be far from your mind, but take it from someone who found the strength to leave my marriage, being divorced from a cheater is like coming up for air when I thought I was drowning. A HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders.

Think about it. You deserve to be happy, especially after what your c##t of a wife did to you.

[MuffinMan]

Your playing with fire, I can't believe that you came here to ask this question. You are still with your wife. You should have left her when you knew she was cheating.

We know this all too well Skirt. I think, however, we both know the despair, desperation, and fear of losing what we have worked so hard for in life for our kids that sometimes people out there will stay in a bad situation thinking that they are doing the right thing for their kids.

We can't best them for that. We can try to push them in the right direction to get rid of their betrayers, but i can't look down on someone that decides to stay with their cheaters. Because I think we know its hard for them.

Now if someone decides to stay and defensively fires back at us for our suggestions, THEN you bet i'll get down on someone who stays with their betrayer.

[demoralized]

Guys, I will never fire anything at anyone about this stuff. I cannot judge anybody's decisions or decision making process when handling infidelity. It's just too damn hard, and everyone is different.

I do really appreciate you guys being so blunt and upfront with your opinions. I don't need anybody sugar coating sh*t for me anymore. I never did.

I don't want someone else, I want my wife, but she has hurt me. And though she is trying to make it up to me, the hurt is still there, and I guess I just wanted to know that feeling good about another woman's interest in me is "normal" for someone being where I am right now, and that having those feelings, doesn't automatically mean that I am giving up.

Make no mistake, I have no intentions of pursuing ANYTHING with this woman. I do NOT want to be a cheater, I can't allow myself to do to anyone, the thing that I hate most which was done to me.

It's BIG man time!

[Slim]

I agree muffinman, take it or leave it, dont fire back at any one who is trying to help.

[bchgrl2008]

Demoralized-What is it that you want? Do you want your wife? Do you need to feel better about yourself? Do you want another relationship? What is it? Until you figure that out, if you pursue anything with this other woman, you will stoop to your wife's level, and coming from a woman, whether she did it first or not, she will kick your a$$. Both legally and in the psycho woman way.

I understand that the attention makes you feel better, considering that you have been crushed by your wife. Acting on it however, isn't going to make it even. No matter what, you will never match the revenge with the pain you felt when this came crashing down. You are playing with fire, because now, you are doing exactly what was done to you. You already saw how that ends, based on your own experience, and ours. You wanna get more a$$, then divorce your wife and get some. Until then, do what you said you were going to do when you agreed to give your marriage another try.

[What]

Man hit that ass... she did it she did not care ... why should you maybe that is a woman for you for rest of your life... who knows... at least you have some fun and who cares you still maried .. your wife did it you got the right to do it too.

I would if i stayed and found one like that... payback is sweet. And most of all life is to short to not use chances like that.

[betrayed again]

Why would you suggest he lower himself to her level? We are all here because we have been cheated on. We know how it feels. He can at least stand up and say that he has honoured his vows, been faithful, loyal, trustworthy etc.

I can understand to some degree - I am sure we have all had thoughts of revenge, making the people we love/loved feel the same way we felt when they cheated on us..... But we are better than that. We have morals and ethics and self-respect. They have nothing.

[demoralized]

Again, please understand everyone....the purpose of the thread was to try to gain some insight into weather or not any other victims of infidelity have gone through similar experiences, and how did they react, and am I reacting normally given the circumstances?

[bchgrl2008]

Yes, you are reacting normally to this. I now understand a bit more what you are asking, so I apologize if I seemed critical before. I have a guy who hits on me constantly. We slept together 10 years ago, when my husband and I were only dating, but we had split. I love the attention, and yes, it feels good. I have often wondered what it would be like to go out and sleep with whomever I wanted, however, I don't because I don't want to put myself in the same category as my husband or the pond-scum eating white trash piece of sh!t that he slept with. You are absolutely normal in wanting this attention from someone else. Just don't get caught up in how it makes you feel, because that is exactly why our spouses cheated on us. They wanted to feel that rush of attention from someone else. It's ego. You always want to be validated that you are attractive, sexy, and f--ckable. It is dangerous though, because in time, you may act on it. That's what you have to think about.

[demoralized]

No need for an apology, I asked for input. I have come down from the mountain so to speak, and realized I don't want that at all. Never have.

I guess what I was thinking was, gee...wouldn't it be nice if the wife knew that I was attractive to other women, that I am not a pathetic doormat, that has to stay with her because I can't find anyone else to be with me.

And I guess maybe to see if she got jealous or not, but I have put all of that out of my mind.

Wife has been doing some good things lately, good talks, staying calm, beginning to understand that our marital issues were so minor, everyday stuff all married couples go through, and that she looked at EVERYTHING the wrong way, and made a terrible decision, because she didn't want to talk to me about how she was feeling.

She told me she felt unimportant to me, thought I didn't love her, thought I was having an affair, and didn't want to confront me about it because she was afraid it would be true and she would lose me. So she just kept everything inside for months, got depressed, and when ahole started talking to her, she got really lost. She says he started out as a friend. Yea he did! That's how all predators do it. She said during their talks, prior to anything getting physical, she talked about how she loves me so much but, is hurting because she is so afraid I have found someone else. Know what POS said? You need to move on, you need to be with someone who gives you what you need and appreciates you for the beautiful person you are inside, and all of the wonderful things you have to offer. Some F*CKIN friend.


I can't help but keep going back to one thing in all of this. Wouldn't a REAL friend have said, "hey....you need to talk to your H about this stuff. He may not know you feel this way, and he may not feel the way you think he does. After all of the years you've been together, you owe it to you both, and your son to find out the truth, and tell him you need more, he'll understand or he won't but at least you'll know. Don't do anything silly, without knowing where you truthfully stand in your marriage.

What makes it worse is this VOMIT-PILE knows me and has for years, and knows the caliber of my character. He knew enough to know I would never do anything like that, and didn't give a damn.

To be honest, I am in some sick way, almost proud of her, it took months of this crap, for him to wear her down.

So tell me everyone, is she "owning her sh*t" or not?

Not being a smart-ass, I just am unfamiliar with with the visual appearance of sh*t ownership. Ok may be a little smartass, sincere though.

Demo

[Skirtchaser]

Again, please understand everyone....the purpose of the thread was to try to gain some insight into weather or not any other victims of infidelity have gone through similar experiences, and how did they react, and am I reacting normally given the circumstances?

Yea normal. You got the same sense of false hope that she will change, that she is telling you the truth, that she won't ever do it again. Yea, that's normal to want to believe. It's just not real. Stay with her if you want, when it happens again, lick your wounds and come back. We will still tell you what an ungrateful slu.t she is. Some people have to bleed a little until they discover there is an uncurable wound.

[StillinShock]

I may have missed something in the other posts but what exactly has she done to make you believe she might be taking ownership? I mean, of course, since you cannot believe anything she says because she lies?
I have to remind myself to look at actions because my H's words are always what I want to hear. He is very good at that--knows exactly what someone wants to hear and then delivers. So I have to look at action. See exactly what she is doing differently and that may help.

But more importantly, I'm not sure that "taking ownership" makes much difference. I mean, if she were not taking ownership and still blaming you then that, of course, it would be curtains. But the fact that she is realizing she was wrong to cheat is a bit like the thief admitting he knows it is wrong to steal. uh....not sure that means he won't steal again. It's just what you say when you are caught. "I know it is wrong to steal. I shouldn't have stolen the pencil". uh...not sure this means the kid won't swipe the $5.00 bill on the table the next time.

Once the kid steals we know to protect our belongings from this kid because he is likely to steal again.

With kids we hope we can teach them to act honorably because they are still in their developmental stages---but adults? mmmm....

[bchgrl2008]

My H used the same reasoning for why he had his affair, but at the same time he readily admits that there was no reason for him to cheat. He SHOULD have talked to me about it, not another woman, and of course she isn't going to tell him to talk to me about it, because that was never her agenda. She had already been waiting for 6 years for he and I to have marital problems. Her husband admitted that he knew she had a crush on my husband since she met him, and that is why he kept my husband close, so he could keep an eye on it. Unfortunately, he didn't catch it in time. Neither did I. The man that was sleeping with your wife didn't offer suggestions because he wanted your wife. Plain and simple.

[Skirtchaser]

I may have missed something in the other posts but what exactly has she done to make you believe she might be taking ownership? I mean, of course, since you cannot believe anything she says because she lies?
I have to remind myself to look at actions because my H's words are always what I want to hear. He is very good at that--knows exactly what someone wants to hear and then delivers. So I have to look at action. See exactly what she is doing differently and that may help.

But more importantly, I'm not sure that "taking ownership" makes much difference. I mean, if she were not taking ownership and still blaming you then that, of course, it would be curtains. But the fact that she is realizing she was wrong to cheat is a bit like the thief admitting he knows it is wrong to steal. uh....not sure that means he won't steal again. It's just what you say when you are caught. "I know it is wrong to steal. I shouldn't have stolen the pencil". uh...not sure this means the kid won't swipe the $5.00 bill on the table the next time.

Once the kid steals we know to protect our belongings from this kid because he is likely to steal again.

With kids we hope we can teach them to act honorably because they are still in their developmental stages---but adults? mmmm....

True words of wisdom, Sis.

[Papillon]

Just going through past posts. Demorilized your story is basically the spit of mine. Also do all cheating women just use the same lame excuse *ull**** about feeling lonely and unloved once they cheat. Because I was looking up some old work emails just now, and about 2 weeks before she shagged some gimp, her emails said stuff like "love u lots" etc. Now to me if you say that to someone it should meen something. You shouldn't end up in bed with someone a couple of weeks later.

[StillinShock]

My husband told me he loved me all the time--seriously, we hugged and kissed every day---including all the days through a third of our 30 year marriage that he was cheating.

Go figure. I've decided that if I didn't know the man I was married to for 30 years then there I do not know anyone. He had two lives. He didn't even bother to make excuses---simply said "it didn't mean a thing" "it was just $ex"....you are the only one I've ever loved....blah blah blah

Loved me so much he risked my life to who knows what and loved me so much he let me do all the work around here while he was out "on business" ...Yeah, real love there--no I don't think so...

Their excuses are lies. Their reasons are full of holes. They have no morals, no honesty and no character. And you don't "grow" these traits just because someone catches you and points out your bad behavior.