Just found out wife is cheating 3 days ago my 31st birthday

[crushedinmyrtlebeach]

So here it goes. I have no one else to talk to and ask advice. I have been married almost 9 years with an 8 year old and 22 month old boys. My wife started being distant with me never wanting to have sex or hold each other in 2001 but I said to myself it was just the new baby. In 2004 she told me she could never have sex with me again because she was depressed that went on for a year I stayed faithful. She started accussing me of an affair which is so not true in 2006 and I could not figure out why. Then she wanted another baby things were good for a while but got worse again 5 months into pregnancy. I started noticing a hotmail address in the history a year ago and asked she denied having a hotmail account several times. Well on Dec 18th the night before my birthday I came up behind her and saw an open hotmail page then she closed it. I waited and bought a keylogger. I then checked it on the 19th my brithday she had the account open since 2004 with a guy that she left her first husband for in 95 they lived together for a few years. He lives near her families vacation home in N Carolina I knew that and even let her go up with the kids a few times without me because I trusted her. The emails are so bad talking about every detail of our marriage from our kids names to me getting hurt at work to past sexual encounters from before her and I meet. They have been Instant Messaging and writing very personal emails. He is married too. I can tell that they never meet up but always planned it but never went through with it. I can also tell that it was finally about to happen but I caught them first. She even almost named our new son after his middle name with out telling me thank God I did not like it. She denied after she was caught that she tried to call him she said it was all a fantasy. She told him in an email how she tried to call him but forgot his number even called 411 and wanted him to come over after the kids were asleep. She told me she didnt really call him that she just told him that to keep the "fantasy". Well I checked the phone records and she did she was just off by one number that one number is all that kept her from sleeping with him.So she was still lying. She got our little one a halloween custom that reminded her of him and told him.She sent pictures of our boys to him. She sent e cards at holidays there birthdays she wrote him on my birthdays anniversary valentines. No wonder I have never had sex with my wife on our anniversary or my birthday. She has been emotionally cheating all these years that is why I could not get close to her she was giving herself to him. And she accussed me of cheating she was doing it. The last email on my birthday she told him how in a store parking lot"while she was gettting my birthday present" that she thought about how they did it up against her car years ago ( it was before her and I) they were laughing about it. Nothing was ours nothing was sacred it was all shared with him. I can see they talk about the last time they saw each other was in 2001 when my oldest was a baby. She is trying to tell me that they did not but it is in the email. So I believe she is still lying why would that be in an email people dont just make up stuff. They saw each other then. She says in the email that she only keeps it going for the boys. Not for me. OF course now that I have all 420 emails since June of 2006 she is telling me she will never talk to him again she is so ashamed the thought of him or the vacation home makes her sick now that she knows what she was doing to me and how she hurt me. She wants me to get over it. I look at simple things curtains christmas trees pictures and think it was all a lie nothing was ours she shared everything in our daily lives with this person. I feel like a fool lost alone. I told her I needed to talk to someone I am closest with her older brother she tells me I am going to make something so simple so big that her family would make it more and disown her. They had a hard time when she did it to her first husband with this same guy now me they love me and she knows it. I cant even look at what I thought was a cute Halloween custom on our little boy because she got it because it reminded her of him. How if ever could I trust anything and stay in this. I told her our marriage sucked before I dont want that back. She agrees and says she will change and finally give herself to me. I cant help but remember all the things she said to him about just staying for the kids. I think she just doesnt want to be the reason for our split. I think things would be good for a while but probably go back. I did not want to hurt these kids. I love her family and all my nieces and nephews I dont want to lose them either. But I dont think I can get over this. The silly thing I always love this time of year now it just feels like a lonely summer day. I am still here on the couch because I dont want the kids to have this memory during Christmas and I want both parents here for Christmas morning. How can I should I try. I feel violated and betrayed and lost and like a FOOL.

[Flynn]

Get a DNA Test done!!!

[StillinShock]

I am so sorry Crushed....What a horrible thing to have happened to you. The other man is married and she is married and it has been going on for years. I suspect he will not leave his wife for her and she is staying just to be comfortable (as she wrote to him--for the kids). Obviously you are supporting her well enough and she can "have her cake and eat it too".
I doubt there has been no physical liason but it is surprising that you didn't see it in the email. Never mind---the fact that she is staying with you only for the kids says it all. She has no plans to leave you until she is sure she has somewhere else to go--which means you are being used big time.
I agree that you cannot believe her. If you have not read the emails it would still be going on and then some. Don't believe that she feels differently just because you caught her. She is sorry--so so sorry she got caught.
I know you love her. That doesn't change automatically.
Based on my experience:
* Get checked for STDs in case you are wrong about the physical stuff
* Get a counselor--you need to be able to talk to someone to while you are in shock,etc. Don't brush this off--do it for your kids--they need one sane parent. You will be a better father and insurance usually covers it.
* Save all the evidence in a safety deposit box. Ask her to write you a letter apologizing and putting everything she has done in the letter (save that too)Right now she feels guilty and she might just do it--you will need this later.
*Don't do anything stupid---ie, no revenge affairs, no dating, no drinking and driving, etc. Keep your head about you even though you are in shock
*tell at least one good close friend or family member--you need to see their reaction for all this to sink in
*don't believe ANYTHING she says---tell yourself "she wants me to believe this or that" so that you are not sucked in..
*Most guys won't do this but if you can write your thoughts in a journal each day it will really help. It will allow you to look back at a week later and remember how you felt, what you were thinking etc. and it will keep you on track. I know you probably won't do this--but it does help.
*Secure the money. While she is guilty she will let you take over the finances. She gets an allowance--she is the one that betrayed you. While you are deciding what to do, you must protect yourself. Move the money under only your name and give her cash to spend. She won't like it but she won't leave. And she deserves not to be trusted and even she knows this.
Stay in touch--I know it is hard because you love her so much but if you think about it, you loved the person you thought she was...You will feel a lot of grief as you mourn the loss of that so it is understandable that you are frozen now. It's okay. You don't have to make any decisions right now. No hurry to decide anything so stop trying to figure out what you are going to do.
Give yourself some time to get over this traumatic shock.
Keep writing.

[MuffinMan]

I'd first find out if your kids are yours or not.

then either way, I'd divorce the b!tch.

She wants you to get over it? F#ck her. I'd tell her family anyway, then get a good lawyer.

I know this is hard for you and that the thought of divorce would be way too scary. this is too new for you and you are probably in the desperation phase.
Trust me, you will never trust this ho again and she already did this to one husband, which should already have been a red flag to you.

Get rid of her and for god's sake, get a DNA test done!!

[Skirtchaser]

Don't be fooled, if she is doing these other things, she's had more sex than you on those occasions. I'll bet you havent even scratched the surface of what she has done.

Muffin's right, divorce this bi.tch.

[Realist]

So here it goes. I have no one else to talk to and ask advice. I have been married almost 9 years with an 8 year old and 22 month old boys. My wife started being distant with me never wanting to have sex or hold each other in 2001 but I said to myself it was just the new baby. In 2004 she told me she could never have sex with me again because she was depressed that went on for a year I stayed faithful. She started accussing me of an affair which is so not true in 2006 and I could not figure out why. Then she wanted another baby things were good for a while but got worse again 5 months into pregnancy. I started noticing a hotmail address in the history a year ago and asked she denied having a hotmail account several times. ...

Throw her out. The kids stay with you - if she has a problem with this, inform her that you'd hate to be FORCED into to giving the gory details of her infidelities to your inlaws, and having her sons grow up in the knowledge of what their mother was up to.

Some would call this cruel and severe. That's loser talk. It is she who has dishonored you. You're the one whose been lied to. The idea that you should part ways on her terms is assinine.

I'm normally very pessimistic about the prospects of cheating wives. Too often their affairs are emotionally invested, or otherwise involve the betrayed spouse basically being made to feel like a stranger in his own house. In your case, I'm especially pessimistic about reconcilliation. Her heart is elsewhere. What she loves about you, if anything, is the stability that your relationship provides. And as you intuited, she is dreadfully afraid of being exposed to her family - she doesn't want to be perceived as the cause of a divorce, let alone for such reasons.

Don't waste your life on someone who checked out years ago. Your wife didn't cheat on you because she wanted to feel young and sexy again, or have a one-night stand due to having an over-active libido - she simply thinks fondly of this guy, and thinks it's okay to treat you like garbage.

So, you can be a sucker, or put this woman in her place. If she sheds enough tears, and doesn't wait to try and reconcile (after you throw her out) for a few months while she see's if she can her bf leave his wife - MAYBE you can consider it. But in your case, I'd ask WHY even bother? What is there to save? If you say "for the kids" then I pity you - for it won't be for the kids. That'll just be an excuse - it'll be because of your own sentimentality and fear of change in your own life. Your kids already have an adultress for a mother - why do they need a puss-y for a father as well?

Good luck.

[MuffinMan]

Dude, get a divorce!!! You are only 31. You have your whole life ahead of you. DO NOT waste another precious minute of your life living with a cheating s!ut. Trust me on this, or you will go throughout life wondering why you settled for this sh!t.

[crushedinmyrtlebeach]

I don't know why I am going on with these emotions. You would think it would be easy to pick up and walk on after something like this. I always thought I could. I still think that is what is going to happen. Maybe if I had just left when I found out instead of trying to fake it for my boys over Christmas. I left the other day and she was saying that she hoped I regretted for the rest of my life doing this to these kids. I was floored I did not do anything to them. She seems to get defensive and angry and try and turn things around on me and point out that I have not always done this or that for her. I tried for years but grew distant from the constant rejection. Why is she trying to turn it on me? It is like if I say that I can try for a few days to see if I can get over it she gets real nice and loving but I start having all these thoughts in my head. I remember all that was said in the emails. How I was such a fool. I find myself still not trusting or believing. I wish things were the way I thought and hoped they were all these years. She swears that she will be the wife I always wanted and she will never talk like that or do anything to hurt me again. I feel like I owe it to my kids to try but I don't think I can ever get past this. I am so back and forth and feel like now I am just going to hurt her or me or these kids more by not just staying on one decision. I feel more at peace for a moment if I think to stay and work it out but it always comes back in my head what has happened. I tried to go eat with her last night and felt like I was on an uncomfortable first date with someone I did not know. I can't even look her in the eyes. Why am I so back and forth? I talked to a friend who went through this 3 years ago after a ten year marriage. He says that sometimes he wishes he had tried harder to stay and that it is still hard on him. Can any one tell me why this is so hard and why I can't decide or make up my mind? You have went through this and I am sure you understand these emotions. Maybe I am just fooling myself and letting her continue to use me. I have moments of anger and deep sadness. But have not had any moments of happiness or forgiveness or a willingness to let myself forget.

[Flynn]

First get a keylogger for your computer. It will track her emails, passwords, and other accounts. Even deleted emails. Sounds like this will re-surface in the future....it is rare to all of a sudden go cold turkey on this.

Second contact his wife and let her know!!! She deserves to know and she can restrict him.

Third she has to do all the work if she is to be taken seriously about wanting to recover the marriage. She treated you like crap, denied sex for long periods and emotional divorced herself from the marriage.

Is there a chance that your oldest may not be yours?? If the last time they saw each other was when he was a baby then he was around prior. A easy doctors visit without your wife knowing can ease any doubts. A swab in the cheeks and its done.

Don't be a doormat...take charge of your marriage if your staying in it and it sounds like your are. Unless there is major counseling and a complete turnaround by your wife....this will then only be temporary.

[StillinShock]

Crushed, Flynn has good advice. This is so hard because we've had something terrible happen to us. We had to learn that the person we love is really not worthy of us--unfortunately, it doesn't change the fact that we love the person or erase the history that we have together.

I am suffering as you described and I don't even have the guilt dumped on me about kids. But don't let her dump this guilt on you--she did this--not you.

The think is--if my H would have put forth a half-decent effort I was so ready to forgive him the first time while I was in shock--it is the lies afterwards and then seeing just how narsistitic he really is that has made it hard to stay. But, yes, the other feelings make it hard to leave.

So I'm just sitting here. Not sure how long this can go on though.

[doesmybuttlookfatinthis]

Sometimes the infidelity is so egregious, such a complete betrayal that there is no chance for the marriage to work. If there was such a situation it would be yours. Your wife basically had another husband that she completely shared her life (and you life) with. She obviously has no guilt whatsoever. It is all an act. I feel so bad for you. You are entitled to love and be loved by one woman. She is nefarious. There is no other word I can think of. I think if it was an affair or an ONS that you would be able to work through this. But it's like you said there is nothing in your life she has not shared with this other man. How do you even wrap your mind around something like this. She actually took sadistic pleasure in denying you sex all this time. DIVORCE HER and find someone to love only you. Separate your bank accounts and cancel your credit cards. Say they're lost.

[crushedinmyrtlebeach]

You know after a day or two of us trying I feel really stupid. I see her going on with things acting as if it is not there. She is trying to love up on me even saying she loves me but I have a hard time believing it is real. I went to the store yesterday with her and the boys and felt weird wondering is this going to be shared with that guy. I am not going to be made a fool of again and staying around is making me feel like one. She just does not seem to get how hurt I really am. As for the key logger that is how I found out. But she works and has her parents computer so I can't access them. I did get into an old email from about six years ago. All the emails are gone but I see him in the contacts and even some other name I have never heard of. I think I have just been lied to from the start. Why would she have stayed with me all these years? Why does she want so bad to stay and make it work now? I love her but this is to big to forget or forgive. Am I just wasting time? I can't figure out if I am trying to stay for the kids or because I am afraid of change. I always thought of myself as tough and able to roll with the punches but this one is way bigger than me.

[doesmybuttlookfatinthis]

Again, what is there to salvage. All of a sudden she is in love with you again. When it was only a short time ago. She was having fun watching you squirm for sex. She is a serial cheater. You asked why she would stay with you if she didn't love you? Because she is a cake eater. She has security with you and the other guy(s) are there to meet her sexual needs. Kick her a$$ out.

[Ravage]

Divorce homie, you could do better than a cake eating chick like her, go for physical custody with no alimony and be happy with yourself. She is the one with the issues not you. Be happy your a good man and you deserve better.

[bchgrl2008]

The reason my H's wh0re stayed with her husband was because mine wouldn't take her when she asked him to come get her so they could be together. Now I hear that her and her husband walk up and down the street holding hands to see how "happy" they are. Funny, he might not think she's sincere when I sent him the "I just want to be with you, I love you" letter she sent my husband shortly after the affair came out.

I would really be questioning her intentions here. Try to figure out if she is staying with you because she really wants to make it work, or if you are going to be her bread and butter.

[Realist]

I don't know why I am going on with these emotions. You would think it would be easy to pick up and walk on after something like this. I always thought I could. I still think that is what is going to happen. Maybe if I had just left when I found out instead of trying to fake it for my boys over Christmas. I left the other day and she was saying that she hoped I regretted for the rest of my life doing this to these kids. I was floored I did not do anything to them.

This woman is a poison in your life. She's maneuvering with you - playing games. Do you want to be doing this nonsense for the rest of your life?

I say "poison" because whether she's aware of it or not, she takes YOU for the enemy. You are her foe. She may fear you. She may be attached to you in some way, perhaps to the life you have together. But that's the funny thing about the subconscious (who we REALLY are) - it speaks louder than word or thought even.

She seems to spend a lot of time waiting for any opportunity (however flimsy) to shovel some of her "blame" onto your shoulders. This is typical selfish-broad talk. Don't even bother trying to understand - you're basically dealing with a suck determined to get whatever she wants. Give it time - eventually you'll have sufficiently diminished yourself in her esteem (through simply being human while living with a judas like her), that she'll feel justified in blaming even more on you, until she attains the ultimate victory...

"THE AFFAIR WAS YOUR FAULT!"

You really want to stick around for this? You're not getting any younger, and the longer you wait the potentially more disruptive this might end up being for your kids.

The whole "staying together for the kids" business is degrading nonsense. It's part of the syrupy "cult of nice" which substitutes building character in one's children with treating them like fine china. If you are determined, you can make things work out for your children, even if that means not being married to their mother.

A part of the "cult of nice" which is really misguided, is it's failure to acknowledge the importance of the pragmatic. While it SOUNDS really noble to say that you'll crucify yourself daily for your children (at least until they're out of the house) by playing "happily married father" for them, it's really an illusion. Why? Because the man you may very well become by eating this turd, may not be nearly as positive, confident, and emotionally available to his kids than the one who admits that he has been shamed by this, and wishes to be cleansed of it in the surest possible way. While no one can predict the future for sure, do you think the tortured guy you are now would be a better dad to your kids than one who MAY not live with them, but who clearly has a second lease on life. Hell, if you're SMART, you may even learn something from this and find a woman who WON'T keep you wondering all of the time about her true affections.

And frankly, I think that kind of a situation for dad will make him a BETTER dad for his kids, when all is said and done, than one who is pretty much disgusted with his lot each and every day. Even if you never overtly take it out on your kids, they'll "see" it.

So, when all is said and done, it really is prudent to look after #1 pops. You can't help anyone else, if you yourself are hobbling around like a cripple.

[doesmybuttlookfatinthis]

Everytime she loves up on you. Read her one of her e-mails where she talks sh!t about you to the other guy. Next time she tries to kiss you, imagine her sucking his d!ck and then coming home to give you a big kiss. And laughing in her head. He's giving my lover head by proxy. She sadisticly withheld sex while she was masturbating to him on line. You want more of that?

[janine'stoy]

Send her packing with the clothes on her back. I know east for me to say and if you read my post you will realize I can't take my own advice but I do know what is right and what is wrong. You are right kick her out and the kids stay with you or her mom & dad get copies of the e-mails. Let the kids see her they need a mother and never talk bad about her to or in front of them. Don't fool yourself into thinking you got the whole story she probably only told you 1/2 if that and she will not change it is not possible.

[MuffinMan]

Send her packing with the clothes on her back. I know east for me to say and if you read my post you will realize I can't take my own advice

which is why the OP can ignore anything you have to say


but I do know what is right and what is wrong.

Obviously....you don't.

[dr buckeye]

myrtlebeach, i can completely relate to your situation. mine is a bit different. i found out almost 2mo ago that my wife of 5 yrs has been cheating on me with someone from work. about 2 mo prior to that, she told me one day that she was upset w/ our relationship and felt as if she didn't love me anymore. i asked at that time if there was another man, and she said no. in her defense, she had not slept with him until afterwards, but i suspect that she was already forming a strong emotional connection with him. after she'd told me about the affair, i've been through the wringer emotion-wise. for a while, i was very upset with the other man. i've found out his name, where he lives, his wifes name, what cars he drives, home and work phone numbers, etc. the more i think about it, the more i realize that it's not about him and my wife...this problem is about my wife and me. while she was the one that betrayed my trust and violated our marriage, i do realize now that i am responsible in part to not make her feel wanted or safe. i now realize that our communication had completely broken down, and that this was the result of two people not talking anymore. we are currently both in individual counselling and in couples counseling. she still claims that she doesn't love me anymore, but has yet to ask for a divorce. i am still trying to be hopeful about the future (we have an 18mo old son) but need to take each day as it comes. i still wake up every morning in a cold sweat and can't get back to sleep. this has been going on for at least 1mo. there isnt' a day that goes by that i don't think about the affair, my son, or the future with my wife. things do get better however. i'm finally starting to get an appetite back and gain some weight back (lost 10 lbs). sleeping is getting easier. but the hurt is still there. you and i both need to take care of ourselves first. we need to remember to eat, sleep, and exercise. we need to do things that make us happy. we have to remember what life was like before we met our wives. no matter how things turn out, we will be stronger individuals for having gone through this. i'd like to be hopeful about my future, but am also prepared to move on if things don't proceed as expected. remember that you are not alone. good luck.

[StillinShock]

Buckeye...I just have to jump in and respond here to some of your post:
"in her defense, she had not slept with him until afterwards": If you think you know this because she told you--well, you have not come to the realization yet that the cheater rarely admits the whole truth at first. Just some of it--so that you think they are "admitting" things. It is almost always partial. You cannot believe them.
I'm glad you realized that there is not much reason to direct things at the other man but where you lost me was when you didn't redirect your anger and blame toward your wife but ya'lls "relationship".
I'm sorry--but I don't think that the problem is about your wife and you but about your wife. Period. She could have done so many things differently. She could have come to you or gone to a therapist or done a 100% things besides sleep with another man. The communication broke down because she let it. She is right if she says that ya'll were not communicating or that there was a distance between you--but it was she that was distant. You never had a chance because she didn't tell you how she was feeling--she didn't tell you that she wanted to go sleep with someone else. Had you known you might have been able to do something about the "communication".
You were not given a chance and that is why it is HER fault and not the relationship. Don't let someone dump that on you. (therapists love to do this---go into this song and dance about "recognizing the role we each played in this". Many of us on this post suggest telling them that you are not going to drink that kool-aide. She was at fault. She did this and while you may want to see what you can do differently going forward, I for one, would not for one second say you should let them make you feel in ANY way responsible)
People love to say "there was something wrong with the marriage, etc, etc". That does not excuse or explain the cheating because other people have problems with their marriage and when they do--well, they go to counseling. They don't get to just jump in bed with someone else and blame someone or the relationship.

I'm sorry but I just want to scream to hear you say that you were at fault when she could have said "dear, you are not giving me enough attention and I am thinking about jumping in bed with someone else". Guess what--that would have gotten your attention--but you didn't get a chance. My H lied to me and for years told me he was happy, that I was a great wife, that he loved me almost every day and he kissed me and hugged me and my daughter said she wanted a marriage "just like ya'lls" and all the while he was in bed with other women instead of "working". No. I was not given a chance--and neither were you. Even if she had told you there were problems--she didn't say "I'm going to go screw someone else". Now if she told you that before she did it and you ignored her then, maybe, I might let you blame yourself. But I doubt that happened, now did it?

Now she says she doesn't love you anymore. That is cold hearted. I'm glad, though, that you are sleeping and eating better and that you are preparing yourself to move on since she has told you this. And you have a toddler. I understand your wanting to try and work on things.

You sound like a nice person and I'm sorry that this has happened to you...
SIS

[bchgrl2008]

I agree with SIS. No matter what the problem, cheating is NOT the answer. There is no valid excuse for it for anyone to say, Hey, I get it, it's OK. It's not OK. We can understand why and how, but we don't have to excuse it. Don't make excuses for a cheater. Take back control and realize that THEY are the ones with the problem. THEY made a poor choice.

[sleeplessnights]

bu11sh1t buckeye, you never held her hand while she went and did this stuff behind your back, you never encouraged any affair.....she did it becuz she wanted too, without any regard for you. and your being manipulated by blaming her affair on your problems in the marriage, well here is the real problem, she has brought infidelity into your relationship, thats the problem. once you jump off that cliff, you ain't going back up, your going down.

[tomorrow12]

Just to let ppl know if a person comes out accusing you of cheating or having an affair. 9 times out of 10 they are the one who is cheating.

[bchgrl2008]

Absolutely right both Sleepless and tomorrow. My husband was constantly in my business when he was screwing around. I had been nothing but loyal to him for 11 years and he was always asking me questions. You can tell when someone is cheating on you...they are constantly paranoid about EVERYTHING.

[oscarland]

Buckeye, your situation sounds exactly like mine, except my son is 15 not a toddler. I feel for you. I know what it feels like to have your wife tell you she is not in love with you anymore, and then find out she is sleeping with another man. Believe what SIS is telling you about not getting the whole story. Don't let her manipulate you into believing it is about you and her. Bullshat!! It is about her my man, and her only. Glad you are being strong and preparing yourself to be on your own. Believe me, you will be much better off. I know it is tough, to consider seeing your son on more limited schedule, but it will be more quality time, when your not worrying about her needs and unhappyness.

[lisa691986]

I fell so sad for you! are the children yours?

[Flynn]

I fell so sad for you! are the children yours?


I am worried at least about the latest one. No sex for awhile....the affair...then she out of the blue wants to have a baby!! My first thought was to cover her already being prenant by the OM.