Mutt
11-12-2008, 12:02 PM
Hello everyone,
Like everyone else her, I though I’d get some theory through expression, Here’s my story. Get ready, it’s a long one. :D
We’ve been married for 9 years and have two great kids, 5 and 7. I moved to our present home and me my wife here. From the beginning of our relationship I made it clear that my intention was to move back my home town if ever the chance came up. We’ll about a year ago, I got transferred back to my home town. I was living there during the week and flying back to my family on weekends for about 4 months. Needless to say it was hard on both of us.
During this time, My wife was connecting with old friend on Facebook, (sounds like the usual story so far doesn’t it). She started talking with an old GL and between the two of them, they found and connected with several old friends from high school. One of those was a casual acquiesce she knew through an old BF. They started talking, just casual at first. He would get a little suggestive, she would respond in kind and then giggle about it on-line with her GF. They were sort of egging each other on and both didn’t think much of it as he lived a long way from our home.
She started opening up to the POS, confiding that she did not want to move. He of course was so supportive and she somehow gained a level of trust with him. All the while, they were getting more and more suggestive in their conversations.
I started to feel distance developing when I would come home and felt there was something wrong. She finally told me she did not want to move. So we didn’t. I stayed as long as it took to set up the new department I was running and then made plans to come back. But when I got back, the distance seem to broaden. And then out of the blue, my wife announces we were taking a family trip to what I didn’t know at the time was where the POS lived. We had talked about visiting the area several time, but never that specific city and never made definite plans. The bells started going off big time.
I installed a Key logger, got her password and read her e-mail messages to the POS. They were not all that suggestive as she often e-mailed him from work. The one that hurt me the most was one where she told him she didn’t know how she felt about my coming home for good. I was crushed.
I had intended to let the matter go at the time and see where the conversations lead, but I couldn’t keep it bottled up. I confronted her and her immediate response was panic. She told me the e-mails were not what they seemed and asked whether I only read her e-mail. I said yes and made a mental not to check elsewhere for other conversations. I told my wife I had figured out her Password but didn’t tell her about the key logger. I went back later to check her IM logs but she had already deleted them.
She explained that she had been feeling trapped by our situation, that she felt like she had no say in whether we would be moving and that lead her to confide on the POS. She said she didn’t want to burden me with more problems as I had enough working so far from home. Through-out our relationship, she has not been the most open and communicative. I’ve often tried to get her to express her feelings with little success. She tells me that when she does open up, I get preachy and tell her what she should do and how she should be feeling. I disagree but I can see how I was trying to solve problems rather than just listen and being supportive. Regardless, she felt safe confiding in him since he was so far away.
I asked her to tell him to send me an e-mail, explaining his side of the story. I asked her not to coach him and to just let him explain his actions. I wanted to see what she would tell him since I still had the key logger in place and could monitor her e-mails. What followed was the worse betrayal I could imagine. Not only did she tell him everything we talks about and instruct him what he should tell me, she said that she “told me what I wanted hear” to calm me down.
I didn’t know what to think. During this whole time, I was getting mixed signals. She told him those things and then she would cry on her GF’s shoulder and say how she knew how good she had it and didn’t want to loose me.
I told him in an e-mail that she had developed real feeling for her and asked him to do the right thing. She got very upset and thought I had ruined their friendship.
Over the next few months, I continued monitoring and I started talking with her GF, using her as someone I could talk too, at the same time knowing what she and my wife and the POS were saying to each other. I got the GF on my side and she started torpedoing the POS to my wife. I had a Private Investigator lined up to follow them during our “Family Vacation” but I couldn’t pretend it was OK for them to meet after everything that had happened. I told her there was no way I could be OK with their meeting and that she had to make a choice. She complained to her GF that had issues an ultimatum to her, but I didn’t see it that way. They never ended up meeting and the PI was not needed.
When we got back, she said she would not communicate with him again, but she did. He would POKE her and they would trade e-mails at work. They never did get suggestive again and I never learned the extent of their discussions. From what I did read and her e-mails between the POS and her GF, she never said she loved him or anything of that nature. I’m left to fill in the blanks and wonder.
In a later e-mail she asked him if he had developed feeling for her, but he blew off the question without really answering her. I guess I sort of scared him off some what. He never kept up his side after that. She started to feel abandoned by him and eventually “had a realization” he was a user and stopped trying to talk with him. I still monitor her e-mails and IM use and for a while she was visiting his Facebook page but that seem to have dropped off to almost nothing, but she still does it every now and again.
If I hadn’t gotten on top of things, I think she would have gotten physical with this guy, even though she is adamant she would not have. She still believes it was just a mistake and she has apologized. I’m just not so sure she would even admit to herself how far gone she was over thing guy. She would tell her GF she was feeling conflicted and that she couldn’t stop thinking about him. She frequently asked him in their conversations “We’re only joking around, right?” and things like that.
Our trust has been shattered over an on-line con artist. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to let this go. She had me written off, and it only luck that brought us back from the edge of destruction.
Like everyone else her, I though I’d get some theory through expression, Here’s my story. Get ready, it’s a long one. :D
We’ve been married for 9 years and have two great kids, 5 and 7. I moved to our present home and me my wife here. From the beginning of our relationship I made it clear that my intention was to move back my home town if ever the chance came up. We’ll about a year ago, I got transferred back to my home town. I was living there during the week and flying back to my family on weekends for about 4 months. Needless to say it was hard on both of us.
During this time, My wife was connecting with old friend on Facebook, (sounds like the usual story so far doesn’t it). She started talking with an old GL and between the two of them, they found and connected with several old friends from high school. One of those was a casual acquiesce she knew through an old BF. They started talking, just casual at first. He would get a little suggestive, she would respond in kind and then giggle about it on-line with her GF. They were sort of egging each other on and both didn’t think much of it as he lived a long way from our home.
She started opening up to the POS, confiding that she did not want to move. He of course was so supportive and she somehow gained a level of trust with him. All the while, they were getting more and more suggestive in their conversations.
I started to feel distance developing when I would come home and felt there was something wrong. She finally told me she did not want to move. So we didn’t. I stayed as long as it took to set up the new department I was running and then made plans to come back. But when I got back, the distance seem to broaden. And then out of the blue, my wife announces we were taking a family trip to what I didn’t know at the time was where the POS lived. We had talked about visiting the area several time, but never that specific city and never made definite plans. The bells started going off big time.
I installed a Key logger, got her password and read her e-mail messages to the POS. They were not all that suggestive as she often e-mailed him from work. The one that hurt me the most was one where she told him she didn’t know how she felt about my coming home for good. I was crushed.
I had intended to let the matter go at the time and see where the conversations lead, but I couldn’t keep it bottled up. I confronted her and her immediate response was panic. She told me the e-mails were not what they seemed and asked whether I only read her e-mail. I said yes and made a mental not to check elsewhere for other conversations. I told my wife I had figured out her Password but didn’t tell her about the key logger. I went back later to check her IM logs but she had already deleted them.
She explained that she had been feeling trapped by our situation, that she felt like she had no say in whether we would be moving and that lead her to confide on the POS. She said she didn’t want to burden me with more problems as I had enough working so far from home. Through-out our relationship, she has not been the most open and communicative. I’ve often tried to get her to express her feelings with little success. She tells me that when she does open up, I get preachy and tell her what she should do and how she should be feeling. I disagree but I can see how I was trying to solve problems rather than just listen and being supportive. Regardless, she felt safe confiding in him since he was so far away.
I asked her to tell him to send me an e-mail, explaining his side of the story. I asked her not to coach him and to just let him explain his actions. I wanted to see what she would tell him since I still had the key logger in place and could monitor her e-mails. What followed was the worse betrayal I could imagine. Not only did she tell him everything we talks about and instruct him what he should tell me, she said that she “told me what I wanted hear” to calm me down.
I didn’t know what to think. During this whole time, I was getting mixed signals. She told him those things and then she would cry on her GF’s shoulder and say how she knew how good she had it and didn’t want to loose me.
I told him in an e-mail that she had developed real feeling for her and asked him to do the right thing. She got very upset and thought I had ruined their friendship.
Over the next few months, I continued monitoring and I started talking with her GF, using her as someone I could talk too, at the same time knowing what she and my wife and the POS were saying to each other. I got the GF on my side and she started torpedoing the POS to my wife. I had a Private Investigator lined up to follow them during our “Family Vacation” but I couldn’t pretend it was OK for them to meet after everything that had happened. I told her there was no way I could be OK with their meeting and that she had to make a choice. She complained to her GF that had issues an ultimatum to her, but I didn’t see it that way. They never ended up meeting and the PI was not needed.
When we got back, she said she would not communicate with him again, but she did. He would POKE her and they would trade e-mails at work. They never did get suggestive again and I never learned the extent of their discussions. From what I did read and her e-mails between the POS and her GF, she never said she loved him or anything of that nature. I’m left to fill in the blanks and wonder.
In a later e-mail she asked him if he had developed feeling for her, but he blew off the question without really answering her. I guess I sort of scared him off some what. He never kept up his side after that. She started to feel abandoned by him and eventually “had a realization” he was a user and stopped trying to talk with him. I still monitor her e-mails and IM use and for a while she was visiting his Facebook page but that seem to have dropped off to almost nothing, but she still does it every now and again.
If I hadn’t gotten on top of things, I think she would have gotten physical with this guy, even though she is adamant she would not have. She still believes it was just a mistake and she has apologized. I’m just not so sure she would even admit to herself how far gone she was over thing guy. She would tell her GF she was feeling conflicted and that she couldn’t stop thinking about him. She frequently asked him in their conversations “We’re only joking around, right?” and things like that.
Our trust has been shattered over an on-line con artist. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to let this go. She had me written off, and it only luck that brought us back from the edge of destruction.