New twist

[shellshocked]

Well, I have read a whole lot of threads here and haven't found my peculiar situation mentioned. My wife (of 24 years) and I are both ministers in a church where she just had an emotional affair with our head lay person (no pun intended). who is also married. I suspected something was going on with her over the last month, but never dreamed it would be an affair. She was always the "good girl", always preaching about how wrong cheating is, how it ruins marriages, etc. The cell phone bill and visiting a web site about "soul mates" gave it away. I knew I wasn't her soul mate anymore. When confronted she admitted that they professed their love for each other and had kissed passionately about 5 times over the last month. She said she had felt unloved by me and understood by him. I can accept my part in her feeling unloved (I am a real jerk sometimes) but that doesn't excuse what she's done. If you have a sucky marriage then end it or fix it, not find someone else. She wants to stay and work on fixing our marriage. I have temporarily removed OM from position of authority. My wife has voluntarily stepped down from pulpit and leadership positions for a while. The church does not know anything about it yet (I'm sure they are bound to see something has happened). Here is my dilemma. There is no way complete contact can be broken between them because of their positions. She says there will be no more cell phone calls, e-mails or private talks, but will still have to see OM every Sunday and sometimes during the week. I don't know if I can stand seeing them together (even to talk about weekly announcements), but I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?

[Skirtchaser]

Sorry to hear your having to deal with this.

Most people who cheat will lie as well. You may not have all the truth. As far as fixing your marriage, it's her that need fixing. You can't do this for her.

I guess no one's immune from being cheated on.

[shellshocked]

I have to believe I have all the truth or there is no hope for real reconciliation.

I know she needs fixing, but if we are really going to make it work, our marriage needs fixing too. Trust me when I say that I have been a crappy husband. I have counseled many couples over the years and know what they look like. I guess I just felt so comfortable that I didn't try anymore.

[Skirtchaser]

If you are going to stay with her, you need to investigate this further. If you rebuild on a lie, it won't last. It may not anyway. You should confront the om and see what he claims to have happened. Have another elder do this with you. He may have more to tell you or he may lie as well.

No matter if you weren't attentive enough, that is no excuse for cheating.

[breemood]

My situation isn't exactly like yours, but it is close. Go back and read some my old threads about the former deacon. I do understand the NC thing. And if she or he doesn't leave the church, you won't reconcile. The former deacon stood in front of the church and asked for forgiveness, he still continued the affair.