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[dazedandconfused001]

My Wife had a six month affair (EA and PA) that was discovered about 4 months back. We have been working on rebuilding the marriage (3 kids and great history) and seemed to be doing OK. I have fogriven her for the affair and understood the situation (long hours of work and not much emotional support all around) but have difficulty forgetting (if that is possible). The pain is there every day and I feel as if my life has been broken along with my beliefs in what is normal and what is expected. I tried to contain this and we had not spoke about the affiar for about 3 weeks and the conversation last night turned to the affair. I told my Wife my feelings that I love her and am committed to making this work but I felt broken. She has been 100% remorefeul and expresses her sorrow for hurtimg me but last night she had a full meltdown (tears, panic, etc.) and feels she destroyed our marriage with no hope. She is fully committed to making this work as well but I do not know how to make her feel better. I cannot bury my pain and need to express it (our communication is better than it ever was) but when I do it seems to hurt her deeply and it hurts me to see her like this. We tried MC but that seems to not be the answer sinc we do communicate and she has ben in IC for years now (and continues several times a month). I do feel better when I share my feelings but it just results in her sinking deeper. We have many good days but these bad days are terrible. Is it better to try to avoid speaking about my pain and working through this myself or is this all part of the healing process? I do not want her to feel there is no hope and brining out the pain seems to indicate to her that this will never go away. I reassure her that time is making it better but it is not, and will likely never, totally be forgotten.

I seem to be lost on this one.

[holikdad]

I'm experiencing the same thing that you are. Whenever I talk about it she gets more hurt and upset.

One of the things they need to remember is that it's not all about them, it's about you and how you are feeling. So she needs to quit turning it around on herself and just be supportive to you.

She obviously didn't feel that way when she was out screwing around.

Someone wrote a really good book that I think all guy's should read, I believe it was called "Men are from Mars, Women are from my Anus". :D

[urasneak]

Why should you reassure her? She should be reassuring YOU. Sounds like a ton of manipulation to me. This is HER fault, not yours. She needs to take responsibility and be supportive of you. And if she feels bad for what she has done? She SHOULD.

[dazedandconfused001]

I did not look at it that way but it makes you wonder. She stopped trying to make any form of justification (she did in the begginning with the "you were not there for me", "I was alone", etc.). She must have forgotten that I was working long hours to support the family and afford for her to be a stay at home Mom. I am so confused right now on whether I should let her suffer with the guilt/saddness or comfort her. My heart says comfort and my head says to let her get over it herself.

[Skirtchaser]

Sometimes I read things here that just turn my stomach. Wasn't there for her? You neglected her?

How many women in the world would give anything to have a man who loved them enough to get up and bust his as.s supporthing them?

It should be up to her sorry as.s to deal with the guilt. There is no excuse for cheating. And no matter how many tears and I'm sorrys, she will likely cheat on you again at some point in your relationship. May be 10 years down the road.

[MichelleB]

She's the one at fault. You're allowed to feel the anger you feel

[urasneak]

Why should you comfort her? She created the situation. She SHOULD feel the guilt--all of it. She should feel a modicum of the pain she brought to you. I work 16 hour days to support my family. I would have been thrilled if my H worked all hours to support us. I would gladly sacrifice the time with him for some financial comfort and a little less stress and a little more rest. And that time will come. Why is she not supporting your efforts alittle, then, so you don't have to work so much if she has a problem with it? Sounds like she is a spoiled little brat to me.
They always justify. It's never their fault, it's always yours. No. excuses are just that--excuses. She cheated. She should be worried about YOUR feelings not ou hers. It is her job, now to make YOU whole. not the other way around. The waterworks are a crock. She is just shifting positive attention to herself instead of working to help you get through this--hich is what she SHOULD be doing.

[dazedandconfused001]

The day after the meltdown my Wife seemed to be in a daze and slept most of the day. She was really low and I brought her a rose to try to cheer her up. It seemed that she did not really acknowledge this (put it on the end table) and laid back down. The night was mostly silent and she fell asleep.

Today she is distant now and left to shop for my sons birthday party tomorrow. I feel like the conversation only resulted in putting distance between us. I thought talking about things was helpful. It was constructive but painful and she brought up some reasons she was pulled to the affair - kind of justifications but not excuses. I accepted some and discussed others but will not take the blame for her choices. I did not attack her but did say that the affair was her choice and it hurt me like nothing I thought ever would.

I am not sure if she is afraid or resolved that things will not ever recover. Is this her way of protecting or justification? Is this normal?

[KATURN]

If she has issues with the marriage she should have spoken to you instead of turning to an affair. That is what committed people do is work it out together. Not bring the 3rd party into the marriage. The affair is not your fault no matter what she feels was lacking. It was up to her to be up front with you and try to work things out in the marriage. Bottom line. I think she now feels guilt and that is why she is being so disant it is eating her up inside and she doesn't know how to deal with it. It sounds like she has issues with communication...and that is where this whole mess got started she needs to learn to get things out in the open.

[dazedandconfused001]

I agree and my heart says to try to help but my head says she should deal with it and work through the guilt. I try to explain that the cycle is normal and things are improving but the conversations end with her in tears and remorseful for what happened but then seem to head towards justifications that she was not appreciated and in need of emotional support and I was not there for her. She did bring up the ditance in the past and I did not take her seriously since I felt I was doing as much as possible balancing a job (to allow her to stay at home with the kids) - the hours were many. If I could have spent more time at home I would have been at risk with my position with my company. It is the excuses that follow that really set us back but I do try to understand where she was (emotionally) at the time of the affair. I cannot accept any of the blame for her choice and that is what seems to really eat at her. Sometimes I feel that we will not make it through this jounrney but we both want to and are (at least were - so it seems) giving it our focus.

[Flynn]

All the more reason to have marriage counseling. He/she will force you to discuss issues and can act as a referee. By your posts you thought you could discuss it but now you know she would just rather it be swept away but you want/need to talk about it. Scheduling a MC prepares her for the discussion rather than it coming out of nowhere leaving her rattled. Just a thought!!

[Skirtchaser]

I'm with dogsrule on this one. As far as her not being able to open up, she opened up that thing between her legs pretty well for the o/m. No problems communicating there.

[holikdad]

Man, you have got to stop blaming yourself for something else that she did. If she doesn't want to make amends for this then it's time for her to go. This was all her fault, no matter how she tries to turn some of the blame on you.